Having a BLAST!

Hanging at Jennifer's has been AWESOME! The kids have been getting along GREAT and I have had a good time catching up with Jenn! We are now closing in on the end of day 2 and I am definitely glad we came!

Today has been nothing but play for the kids. The boys have been non stop since we all got up this morning. We've played outside, ran around the house, played tickle monster and just the kids doing their own thing. So much laughter and yelling!!!

Jennifer and I were chit chatting outside this morning and came back in the house after hearing the kids knocking on the windows. When we walked in, we realized that it was Darien who was knocking and didn't see the other 2 boys. She could hear them so went to check on them thinking they were in one of the bedrooms. They weren't there and this is what she found :



Apparently they decided they wanted to play in the water. This doesn't surprise me in the least with Adrien. He threw a HUGE fit when we took them out, but was quickly distracted with toys.

After having lunch, we decided to take the kids outside! Riding the bikes and hot wheels, they had a blast. It was so much fun just sitting out there watching them all have a great time together. With kids and toys, there is inevitably going to be some fighting. With them, so far, its been as easy as calling one of their names to get them to stop and move on. Such great kids! Here is what they look like having fun:






It's been a great time so far!!! Can't wait to see what else is in store for us while we are here! Definitely going to be more pictures soon!!!

WHEW... what a trip

So, traveling from Germany to the US alone with two children was NOT my brightest idea. Though, now that we are here and the hassle is over, it was definitely worth it!

We made our first attempt Saturday afternoon. We got our boarding passes and even made it through security before being told the flight was rescheduled for the following morning due to a fuel leak. I wasn't too happy, but what could I do? Just show back up the next day and hope we got out.

We got to the terminal the next morning and waited about 2 hours before even being able to go through security again. Then, waited about another hour or so to get on the bus to go to the plane. Then, got on the bus, drove out to the plane and had to wait about 30 minutes for them to clean out the lavatory. Got on the plane and it was about another 30 minutes before we even started to move. Quite a wait.




Now, just imagine me with 2 kids, a double stroller, 4 carry on bags, a sleeping bag, booster seat, blankets, pillows, sweaters and a lap top. Lots of stuff, not near enough hands. Though, very thankful for another couple with 2 older kids that helped me a great deal. It was definitely a stressful process.

Once we were in the air, it was pretty smooth sailing. Because we flew in a C-17, the kids got to get up and walk around and were even able to lay down on the floor. They did pretty well with it.





The flight was about 10 hours, and at the end of it, I think we were all about at our wits end. Getting ready for decent, Adrien was pretty irritated. He didn't like having to sit still, and just screamed. I ended up in tears. The couple who had been so awesome to help me, ended up noticing even though I was really trying to hide it, asked if they could take Adrien and help with him. I am not real big on letting random people have my kids, though I was thankful for the 2 minutes I got to breath.

They took him, and he screamed the whole time. I took just enough time to breath and regroup before taking him back. As soon as I got him back, he fell asleep in my arms until we landed.

We landed in a weather advisory, heavy rain and lightening within 5 miles. We have to wait another 30 minutes for Customs to come out and brief us and whatnot. Then, get off the plane to ride the bus to the terminal. Wait 30 minutes for luggage, and then find a way to the hotel.

A very nice retired couple offered to take us to the hotel since it was raining. As we are packing up the car, it starts pouring like no ones business. The back seat of the car was completely soaked, along with ALL of our stuff. Even some of the stuff inside the suitcases were wet because it just came down so hard and so fast.

We get to the hotel, and the rain had settled a little. After I got the kids inside and they were getting our bags, it began to pour again. That means, the stuff that was already soaked, got even more soaked. I wasn't able to use my laptop because everything was so wet.

The night went pretty easy, though. Got the kids relaxed and asleep by 1030. Darien and I were up around 530am, but Adrien slept until about 7. I think we were all fairly well rested and had a nice morning just hanging out.

THEN, I thought I'd have a meltdown. Because I flew right into the base and had a ride to the hotel, I had no reason to use a cab service. Well, thankfully I didn't have to because what a hassle that was.

I had a friend in town to get me, though I would have to go to the visitors center to get her on base, but that meant needing a ride up there. Then I thought I could just get a cab to take us and all our stuff and just meet them somewhere and go from there. Because of all our stuff, we needed a van or something of similar size. The few that had a van weren't available for 2 hours, another couldn't even get on base and the other I would have to call to let the gate know I called a cab. If I had to do this for a cab, why couldn't I just do that for my friend. Well, thats the military bases for ya.

So, finally I get a cab to come get me and take me to the gate to get my friend on base. Get there and had to wait a bit for them to get a fax of the insurance and registration. Because of the new way of doing things in GA, they aren't required to have those in the car and I didn't think to tell them before hand. Once they got that, we got on base and got all my stuff.

The trip from Charleston to Covington was pretty calm and smooth. Only 2 stops, and the kids barely made a fuss. Adrien slept for about half the ride, and Darien just watched movies. Very different from the flight.

But, I must say, even with all the hassle and headache, I am glad I decided to come. Just 1 day here and I already feel much better. The kids have just been playing and having fun with Jennifer's kids. They all seem to get along well, and keep each other busy.

Now we are getting ready to go to bed! Can't wait to update more with photos!!!

Just 1 week!!!

This is my last full week in Germany until December!!! I am hoping to get out of here early next week, and then its off to my awesome vacation with friends and family! First staying with a friend in GA, then to FL with my family, then up to VA with the hubby's family! I am so excited to get to see everyone!!!

When I was active duty, and even the first 2 years after I got out, I would see family at least twice a year. December 2008 was the last time I saw my family, and March 2009 was the last time we saw hubby's family. It was a little rough going from twice a year to not at all for almost 2 years. So, I am definitely glad I get to take this trip and spend some time with everyone!

I am going to miss my husband dearly, it's really too bad he can't go with us. But he will be meeting us in VA to see him family, so at least we have that! Then we will come back together!!! I just hope he can manage his laundry while I am gone.

So far there are all kinds of plans being made. While I am in GA, I will be busy going to church, getting baptized, attending CR, and other fun stuff! It's going to be a great time! In FL, we got Halloween Horror Nights, Silver Springs and other fun stuff while we are there! I can't wait.

Not too sure if much will go on in VA, but just getting to spend time with the family will be awesome! I see my family a lot more than the hubby's, so it will be nice to get that time with them. The boys will get to see and play with all their cousins and just have fun!!!

So, for the rest of the week, I have cleaning, laundry, packing and planning to do. Along with my school work, so I will be a busy bee all week! I know its going to go by faster than I realize since there is still so much to get done. Hopefully I can get it all done so that the hubby doesn't have to worry about much once I am gone. Guess I better get back to it!

Going on a Date!

Today has been all about cleaning up and getting ready for a date with the husband! I've got so much cleaning to do, and have to get it all done by next weekend so that I can leave knowing my house isn't a disaster! Plus, hubby and I get to have a date tonight and I'd like to come home to a clean house later!

My husband and I don't get out alone too often. There are so many worries about people watching our kids and what not, so most times we just do something we can take them to with us. It does make it hard because it is always about the kids and what they want. Tonight, though, is all about us and what we want!

I really don't mind that we take the kids with us most of the time, we are a family and that's what happens when you have kids. But it is nice when we can go out and be able to focus on each other and have that time for just us. Plus, I am leaving in a little over a week and will be gone for a few weeks, so it will be nice to get some time before I go.

I think in the whole 4 1/2 years we have been married, we've had a whole couple of weeks to ourselves. We either had roommates or children. So, we never really had that time to focus on each other and be a couple, alone together. I thinking dating is such an important aspect of continuing to fall in love with each other, and I am glad we, even though its not often, get the chance to date each other. Maybe when we are back in the states and have family or closer friends near us, we can do it more often.

Until then, I will take advantage of every chance I get to have a date. I put so much time and effort into being a mother that sometimes I slack in efforts of being a wife. My husband needs and deserves more of me, and I hope tonight will allow me to put all of my efforts into being a wife!

The "light" with a name

I know that many people go through life in darkness, never finding happiness. I have definitely had my share of darkness, and I have finally been shown the light, once again! Here's a short version (though not that short) of how I got to this point in my life.

I had a less than perfect childhood, though I know now it could have been worse. As a teenager, I was using drugs, drinking, partying, having sex, and not paying attention in school. I was seriously out of control. After graduating, a year late, I decided to join the military. I felt, at the time, it was the only way to get myself out of the situation my life was in.

I really enjoyed the military, and started off doing really well. I met my first husband, got married and things were looking up for me. Then, I lost my grandmother and it took a HUGE toll on my entire life. I fell into depression and it affected every aspect of everything I did. When my, then, husband got deployed a very short time after her death, I began having an affair. My first marriage was already over in my eyes, so it didn't seem so bad.

I divorced my first husband and kept on with that new relationship I had going. That man is now my husband. We have 2 kids together, have been married for almost 5 years and have struggled just about the entire time. Well, I came to a breaking point about 3 or so months ago and was going to leave him. I was so done with everything that leaving just seemed like the only solution. Then a light came to me, and the light has a name, Jennifer.

I unloaded everything on her, told her what was going on, how I was feeling and how I wanted to leave. I don't remember exactly what all was said, but something she said made me think a little differently. So, I prayed. That day, my husband came home and told me that he had given up something that had been a big cause for why I was so angry. WOW (World of Warcraft). I was immediately stunned, and really had to reconsider what I was going to do. If he loved me enough to give up the game, then it was worth trying a little harder.

Over the last few weeks, I have talked to Jennifer more and more about things I can do to improve myself, my marriage and just my life overall. She started telling me about her church and sent me to their website where they post podcasts of their services. I immediately began watching them, and along the way noticing how every thing kept hinting that God himself was speaking to me. Whether it was an unspoken prayer being answered or a Bible verse being posted by friends on Facebook.

I decided that it was time to answer him by giving my life, body and soul back to him. Part of this means asking him to reenter my heart and save me from my sins. I did this without telling anyone, just on my own, in the shower actually. Then, I thought some more about it and decided I also wanted to be baptized again. I was baptized as a child, but this time I fully understand it and have the right reasons for doing it.

I have spoken to the right people at the church and will be getting baptized on Oct 3rd. It's very exciting and has had me smiling ear to ear for a while tonight! I am so glad to get to share this next step with the person who helped get me here!

I've known Jennifer since I was about 3 or so. Her mom lived next to me growing up, but I'd only see her when she came to visit. We weren't friends, per say, but I still talked and stuff anytime we happened to see each other. Well, a couple years back, we connected on Myspace. We would comment on each others pictures and status updates, but never really had an actual conversation to often. So, when she reached out to me a couple months ago, it was quite nice! And now look at where she has taken me!

She has been the light that guided me back to Christ, helped me get to this point of wanting a better life! She inspires me to want more for myself and my family, through God. It's kinda funny to think about, but I really believe that God wanted us to meet all those years ago just so she could be here for me at this very moment. He knew I would need a light, and he used her to be that light for me!

I have asked her to be the person who baptizes me, as I do feel she is the majority of the reason I have been able to get to this point. I don't know if she will ever realize just how truly grateful I am that she stepped in when she did, but she will always be known to me as a guiding light that helped get me to my savior.

My journey to God

As a beginner on this journey, I am finding it hard to make changes in my life. I am trying, though probably not as hard as I should. I know that I need to make a lot of changes, but I have started very small and will try to build on that.

On of my friends wrote about learning to play pool and all the required changes it takes to get from a casual player to a tournament player. She compared this to what it's like turning your life to the Lord. There are so many things you have to learn, though because there are so many required changes, it's best to learn a couple small things and then keep building from there.

Right now, my focus is on reading the Bible, listing to and watching a pod cast from a church in GA, and just trying to find the deepest faith. Because of this, there have been changes in me already. Things I know I need to change, and things I am willing to change to make myself better in God's eyes.

I have begun to pray again. I have made the choice to quit drinking. I have tried to be more attentive to my husband and children. I have begun to feel peace within myself again. These are major changes in just a couple weeks, but just some of the things that simply come from believing in Christ.

I know that it's going to take a lot of other changes to really get myself "right", but I know that in order to be the best person I can be, I need to make those changes. I know I won't change over night, and that's okay, its a process. I have been this way for so long, its hard to change. I will just keep praying for the courage to make those changes and the strength to keep with it.

I am going to need strength, because I know this isn't going to be an easy process. Not only am I going to have to make major changes to my life, I am going to have to really review and evaluate myself and the things that I should be doing that I am not, and the things I shouldn't be doing that I am. I don't know about you, but sometimes its hard to think about it and know that you were wrong.

With that said, I will also pray for perseverance to not allow my fears to get in my way. This is something that I really want and need, so I can't let my fears keep me from doing it.

In about 2 weeks, I will be leaving and heading back to the US for a bit. Along the way, I will be stopping in GA to see someone I have known almost my whole life and who turned me onto the church I listen to on podcast. I will be attending a service with her, and I am extremely excited about it! After watching and listening online, and being so moved by it all, I can only imagine what its going to feel like in person! I can't wait!!! I will let you all know how it goes!

First Grades

I have received my grades now for week 1 of class! I was a little disappointed, but I know where I need to improve. I have an A, so I am happy for that! As long as I can keep it an A, I will be quite pleased!

Because it's all online, we do discussions in a forum board style. Depending on the week, we have anywhere from 1-3 different discussions, and must participate to get credit. We make 1 initial post, our main assignment, then have to respond to 2 or 3 of our classmates. For an initial post, its required to have 100-150 word minimum. For responses, its a 75-100 word minimum.

Where my grade took a hit was the responses. Even though I had the required number of minimum word responses, because the rest of my responses lacked length, my grade suffered. I wasn't expecting it to affect my grade, especially since the other postings were already above and beyond the required amount, but apparently it did.

Now, I know if I am going to respond, even if its my 7th or 8th response, I need to make sure it meets the length requirements. I don't need to have a 100 in the class, but I'd like to get as close to that as possible. Guess I will be taking advantage of the word count feature a lot more now!

Tis' the Season

Finally, the shows I love coming back on! I watch a TON of stuff, but the majority of my favorites are on during the winter/spring seasons. Last year, I watch so many different shows that there wasn't a single day that I didn't have at least 2 different shows to watch! There are a few nights that 3 or 4 aired, so I spread it out to have a constant amount of daily tv entertainment each week.

One Tree Hill is probably one of my ultimate favorites. I have been watching it ever since the very first episode and feel more and more in touch with the characters. Call me whatever for this, but I just LOVE the show. It's real life stuff, with the obvious over exaggerations, to make it seem more real.

Then, there is, of course, 90210 and Melrose Place. I used to watch these shows back in the day and it has been quite interesting to see where they decided to take the shows after all these years. I think I prefer 90210, but Melrose Place is still something I will watch as long as it's airing.

House. Who doesn't love House? I have also watched this from the beginning, and love every second of it. I don't know that I'd like to have a doctor like that, though I guess I could deal with a jerk if they are saving my life :)

There are many more, Brothers & Sisters, Gossip Girl, Burn Notice, etc. All shows I love, and the season is finally here! It kinda stinks that I don't get to see it the night of, but a sacrifice I make for my husbands career! Hope everyone else is enjoying tv as much as I am!

Week 2 Day 1

Today officially starts my 2nd week of being a college student. I am feeling pretty darn good about it, and glad I made the choice to start! I am still sure its going to get harder, but I am excited for this experience.

In middle school, I was a pretty good student. I normally made the honor roll and was in advanced math. I got in trouble a few times, but my grades were always pretty good. I wish I had know then what I know now.

When I got to high school, things changed. I started to be more interested in boys and parties and ignored school work. I rarely ever did my homework and slept in class, and that was if I even showed up to school. I was always getting in trouble, being in detention and Saturday school. It was definitely an experience.

Well, because of my lack of concern for school, I graduated high school a year late, and barely at that. Though, I give myself credit for graduating at all because it would have been a lot easier to just give up and drop out. Instead, that last year I actually tried. And though I still barely made it, I did it and I am proud I stuck with it.

So, going to college wasn't much of an option for me at the time. I knew I could barely handle high school, I could only imagine what college would have been like. So, I joined the military instead.

With the discipline I gained from the military, even though it wasn't much, I feel now is a good time to give it a go. I have waited long enough and made enough excuses that I have run out of time and excuses not to go. Plus, I hope this will show my kids that school is important and that I think enough of it to choose to go back. I want to be a good role model for them, and I think this is a good way to be one.

The people in the class have all different reasons for going back to school, but the common thing I find is that we are all there to better ourselves. It's interesting to see everyone's reason and motivations and get a wide understanding of what drives people. They seem like friendly folks, and have made this experience, so far, a great one.

I have been complimented on my writing, being told that it looks like I am dedicated to my work. I know I could use a bit of education for writing, but it makes me feel good that other people notice my efforts. I might even end up looking over this blog over the years and see a noticeable improvement in my writing. That would be pretty awesome to see.

I hope that there are some people who continue on this journey with me and also notice improvements along the way. I can't wait to look back and see how far I can take this!

Sick kids :(

Today decided to be the day that both my kids get sick. I don't think they have ever been sick together, normally a few days apart, so a new experience for me. Guess there is a first time for everything, especially as a parent.

When I went to get Darien from school, they were both fine. Came home, started a movie, had a snack and I checked my email. We were home for about 15 minutes and all of a sudden, Adrien was extremely hot and just starring at the tv. He was responsive, but mainly just by looking at you and saying "NO". The heat radiating off him was enough to make me sweat when I held him for just a couple of moments. I quickly got him some tylenol, and with a forehead thermometer, got a 102 temp. reading. I decided to go buy a thermometer I could use for a rectal temp, since they are more accurate.

When I got back from the store and took his rectal temp, it was 102.8. I gave him some motrin and gave it some time. About 40 minutes after giving him motrin, his temp had gone up to 103.2. So, I said 20 more minutes and I'd check again. Checked again and it was back to 102.8. This is scary for me because this is the highest temp I have dealt with as a mom. That, and with him being perfectly content in the same spot on the couch for hours when he is normally my "can't sit still" child, I really worried.

So, instead of putting them in their rooms, I decided to pull out the couch bed and let them sleep there. Then Darien started complaining of not feeling well. Of course, I thought it was because Adrien was getting all the attention and he wanted some back, so I kinda ignored it. Though, I did touch him and he didn't seem warm to me, so I figured he was for sure just wanting the attention. Nope, not long after he said he didn't feel good, he was running a fever. His isn't as high as Adriens, but it was 101.8 rectal, so enough to warrant some motrin. About 35 minutes later he was 100.9. So, still a slight temp, but down quite a bit from what it was.

Now, its just after 11pm and my kids JUST fell asleep. I sure hope they sleep in a little bit, otherwise tomorrow is going to be a VERY long day. They should sleep in at least a little bit, as I have all the windows and rolladens closed so the sun won't wake them up! More than I could say if they were in their rooms.

It's not time for me to hit the hay so that if they happen to not sleep in, at least I got some sleep. Night!

Laura

We met sometime in middle school. You moved into the neighborhood and we immediately became friends. I remember that over the summers, generally if you found one of us, you found the other because we were ALWAYS together. We had a good time together and rarely let other people get between us.

We have been there for each through some of the best and worst of life, and you were always the person I counted on when I needed a friend. I know we weren’t always there, and sometimes irritated with each other, but I always knew you were one of the true friends.

We’ve been in a couple disagreements that had us not talk for periods of time, and I kick myself now because that was time wasted. You always defended me when other people had something to say. You never let my lack of popularity end our friendship.
You were popular, and me not so much. Most of your other friends couldn’t stand me, with or without good reason. Though, I don’t remember us not hanging out less than often. You even let me live with you when things at home got difficult. We even worked together, which normally complicates any relationship. So, working together while living together and hanging out, I am surprised we never had a physical fight, though happy about it.

We have made it through a lot of stuff together, and you are one of few people that I can honestly say is one of my best friends. We don’t get to talk too often, but when we do it’s like no time has really passed. We update each other and pick up where we left off. Every time I am home to visit, you are one of the first people I see and one of the only people I want to see.

I know that being far apart will always put some stress on a friendship, but know that I am always here for you and I can’t wait to see you again!

Grandparents Day!

In honor of Grandparents Day, I am writing this to my grandmother, Barbara A. Aubin.

Grandma,

Even though you are no longer with me, you are still a very large driving force in my life. You were one of the people who always believed in me no matter what I was doing wrong. You gave me more chances that a lot of people would, and continued to encourage me to do better. Unconditional love was always flowing from you. To this day, I still try to answer the question, “what would grandma say?” when making life decisions.

You lived long enough to see me get married, and even though that marriage ended, it’s something I am glad you were here for. After you left us, I had a hard time dealing with the everyday life, to include my, then, marriage. I divorced him, but quickly found my soul mate. I wish you would have lived to meet him, because you would have understood just why I am so in love with him.

You haven’t met my children, and I wish you could. They are amazing and you’d probably laugh because they are so much like me. They drive me crazy but make my life so much more beautiful. I know that they’d love you just as much as I did because you are just that amazing.

I miss our Sunday talks, and still sometimes have to remind myself that I can’t call you. We used to talk about anything and everything. You’d share your wisdom and give me advice. You’d tell me when I was messing up and when I was doing a great job. Sometimes I wish I could just hear you tell me one more time that you love me, and you hear me say it too.

When you started taking a turn for the worst, I had planned on getting home to see you. Unfortunately, I didn’t get there in time. I remember mom calling me to let me know you had gone to take a nap and was not waking back up. I felt like piece of my heart broke off and was lost forever. I did everything I could to be strong and hope for the best, but you never did wake up. A couple days later, I was back home, a week too late.

The day of your service, it took 4 tries and a little force from Larry to even get myself into the room. I remember mom telling me that you looked beautiful and I disagreed and said you’d look better alive. It was a selfish comment, but how I felt at the time. I know it wasn’t true, but all I wanted was for you to sit up and talk to me. You did look very beautiful and very peaceful, no matter how much I wished it wasn’t so. The service itself was beautiful, and you obviously had lots of people who loved you.

I know we all took it pretty hard, mom and I especially. I still have very difficult days, though I don’t often share that with anyone. You will always be a driving force in my life, and I hope I can make you proud. I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to understand so that I can tell them about you. Though, they will know a lot since they do have mom as a grandma.

I love and miss you more than anyone will ever understand. I will see you again someday.

What and why I am writing

You can probably see that I have had a large increase in blogging. Well, I have been reminded to let those I care about know it. So, I am going to try to do one post per day with a new person that I feel has touched my life, whether I still talk to them or not. It's nice to try to remember all those special people and let everyone know how they changed my life.

I don't know that I will get to every single person, because I could be here for years if I do that, but I want to at least touch on the people with the biggest affects in my life.

The other night, I talked about 5 of the most important people in my life. Leslie, my sister, my mom, Penny and my husband. There are a few more that I didn't get to, but I will very soon! Just got to get my thoughts together about them and write it out.

Some of the things I write will be emotional, and probably make some teary. This is the warning. You may cry, you may not. I know some I will probably cry just writing, but I feel this important to do.

I will be updating on school and other things in between, but I want this to be my main focus of writing. By the way, school is going GREAT! Will be posting again soon!

My Favorite Penny

Pennies shine in the sun
they shine really bright
you should let it tarnish
always treat them right

AAAHHH... Penny. The person who still surprises me, by being my friend. She really is the exact opposite of me, or at least she was when we first met. She was the quiet, friendly, dependable person that everyone liked. I was the self centered, stuck up, crazy person that everyone didn't like. Though, somehow we became best friends.

We didn't like each other, it went both ways on that. I didn't like her, she didn't like me, so where, when and how we became best friends is still even a mystery to us. We hung out with the same group, lived in the dorms and worked together. So, we did spend a lot of time together whether we wanted to or not.

I remember us avoiding each other and staying on opposite ends of the room for a while. Then, one day we woke up and realized that we happened to be best friends. Neither of us can say when or how it happened, just that it did. The how and when doesn't matter, all that matters is that I am glad to call her my friend, and that I realize how lucky I am to be able to.

She was with me the day my 1st child was born, patting my forehead with a wet towel and cheering me on when I was pushing him out. She was there through my first marriage and the divorce. She was there through my troubles, and there through my separation from the military. She was a person I could lean on when times got difficult.

I know she didn't agree with my choices, and I know she had her opinions about them. Though, she rarely spoke of them, rather gave me a shoulder and advice when I needed it. She did tell me briefly when she disagreed, but also reassured me that she was there for me no matter what, and always was.

Though we have oceans, 8 hours and lives that make it hard to talk as often as we'd like, I know she is always there when I really need her. I hope that our paths cross again someday, though I am sure they will!

I love you girl!

My Mommy :)

You stood by me through thick and thin
You didn't give up on me when I didn't win
You had patience when I kept pushing you away
You cared when I said I didn't need you anyway

Still corny, can't help it :P

You are my mom, my friend, my teacher, my everything. It's crazy because I can see that I am so much more like you than I ever imagined I'd be. You've been so much more than a mother, and I can't believe I was so lucky to have you.

I know the past years were rough, and you did everything you could to give us a decent childhood. I know the effort you made to show your love and guide me through. I wasn't always grateful and sometimes even a jerk, but I look back now and know. I am grateful, and ecstatic that you cared about me so much.

You have been there for me through most of my life's toughest times. You've helped me through and kept me going. Without judgement, you made sure that even my bad choices were done with someone to talk to. I always knew when you disagreed, but I also always knew that no matter what, you'd love me anyway. Not everyone is as lucky.

Now, you are the person I call first for just about everything. The person I talk to about just about everything, and one of the people I know I can depend on without a doubt no matter the issue. I can't wait to see you, in just a couple weeks, and be able to have some mommy/daughter time with you. I love you, mom.

Sweet Sister Shannon

You were given to me by God
He gave me such a precious gift
You are my sister and my friend
Always to give my spirit a life :)

Corny, I know. I said poetry isn't my thing...

You are my sister by birth, friend by choice! We have been through our entire lives together, yet we don't see each other imperfections. We have been through quite a bit together and I can't imagine going through those things with anyone else.

We survived divorced parents and a less than perfect childhood. We made it through our own fights and battles with each other. We just made it through, and as much together as we could.

You have been an amazing little sister. Yes, we fight and get on each others nerves, but at the end of the day, we still love each other. There is no question in my mind that we were meant to be sisters, and that God has a purpose for putting us together. You are one of my biggest motivators in life, trying to set an example that I'd be proud for you to follow.

There have been times I wanted to smack you stupid, and times I just wanted to hug you tight, but the constant factor is love. You are one of the most important people in my life, and you should know that I love you more than anyone will ever understand. I am glad you are my sister, and even more happy that we are friends.

My Friend Leslie :)

Leslie,

I met you, but didn't like you.
I hung out with you, but stayed weary.
I started to care for you, and the wall broke down.
Now your my best friend, and that makes me teary :)

It's kinda fruity and lame, but I am not good at poetry... Either way, it shows the steps we went through in our friendship at a glance. Because Leslie is such a huge part of my life, even with an ocean between us, I am writing about her tonight!

Before we even met, I had heard rumors about her. Though I am not one to really judge anyone, I found myself not liking her just based on what I was hearing. So, when we met, I automatically had a wall up. The more we talked and hung out, the more I realized how idiotic those people were for saying the things they said, she was NOTHING like what I'd heard.

I'm not exactly sure when or how, but she has become one of my best friends in the world! We were pregnant together, and 4 weeks apart our children were born. She was a HUGE resource for me since she'd had her 2nd child and I only had my 1st. She was the person I called for advice and helped me through all the crazy times I had being a new mom.

Then, we had a fight. Yes, a BIG fight. We are both extremely head strong, defensive people and unfortunately that got the best of us both. I don't even know how long we went without talking, but I do know that we both found ourselves back together, and stronger than before.

She was the person who, when I was in labor and swore I wasn't, made me go to the hospital. Had she not made me go, I probably would have had my son on her living room floor. She stayed with me and was there when I had my 2nd baby, and still she was the person who got me through all the crazy stuff.

We've had our ups and downs, but I think its because we are more like sisters than friends. Sisters fight, but they still love each other no matter what, and thats how we are. We will tell anyone, our friendship has issues, but we take comfort in knowing that even with the issues, we have each others backs and will always be there for one another.

I can't wait until the day we see each other again, though a massive amount of tissues and eye drops may be required :) She is my best friend, and the person who, even with the ocean separating us, keeps me sane when things are crazy!

I LOVE YA GIRL!!!

Loss and grief

Everyone knows that with life, there is death. The moment of conception, life begins, and at any time can be met with death. It's sad to think about, and can cause a lot of grief.

Why do people think that when a life is lost that people can just cry and be over it? Some people can do that, but for some of us, its not as easy. I've lost a few people that I was very close to, and a baby. It's not something I can just cry over it for a day and bounce back and never have emotion for it again. Do I cry everyday about it, no, but I have my days when it effects me more than others.

There are many days I think of my friend Amanda, and cry. She died 8 years ago, but I still think about her and shed tears for her. I still think of my grandmother. She died 5 years ago, but I still think about and shed tears for her. I lost my baby less than a year ago, so I definitely still think about and cry for my child.

This doesn't mean I am weak, it means that I had very strong feelings for them and still feel sadness that they are not here with me. The day that I think of them without sadness is the day I have forgotten who they were to me and what they meant in my life. This isn't saying that all people feel this way, or because they feel differently means they have forgotten, thats just how it is for me.

I hope that people understand that crying and feeling pain isn't something some us choose to feel, it just is. People really should try harder to understand that and be more sympathetic to people who have a harder time with their losses. Telling someone to get over it isn't being either, and actually is a bit harsh. Something as simple as saying "I am sorry, hope you feel better soon" can be enough, or just say nothing at all. Sometimes nothing at all is better.

School so far!

It's technically only day 2 of college classes, but I feel pretty good about this first class. We are learning about how different learning techniques are used, and figuring out our own learning styles.

A lot of what we are writing about is based on experiences, so there isn't any research or anything involved. I know once I start getting into the core classes, it will become more involved with research and a lot more writing. Though, for a start, I feel I am off to a pretty good one!

It seems like most of the people in my class have been out of school for years, so I am having a hard time understanding their work. I know that my writing skills aren't perfect, but it can be difficult when you are trying to read stuff that isn't written in the same format or style I would write.

I guess this is all a learning experience and I should take full advantage of it by putting in my full effort. I was told that doing too much could cause my instructors to expect more of me, and I feel they should. I haven't been out of school that long, so I remember the basics and feel that I should put what I know to use. Why should I slack on my work when I know I am better than that?

There are going to be times I don't do great, and times I will excel. I just want to be confident that even the times I don't well that I gave it my best and learn from whatever mistakes I made. It's better to fail doing your best than to fail for lack of effort.

It's now time to start working on my next writing assignment, then some reading about Celebrate Recovery, a religious based recovery program that I have decided to become part of. Be sure to check for more updates!

First day of class!

Today is the first official day of me being a college student!!! I am excited, nervous, and ready all at the same time! I've wasted too much time on people and other things that don't really matter, and now I will put that energy into my classes!

Turning in the first assignment was such a great moment for me! It was just an introduction of myself, but I felt great getting it done and getting it turned in on time! I have already completed the other assignments for this week, and will be turning them in soon! It just feels great getting started!

My husband also starts his first class today, as a way of support and to further his own education. It's wonderful that we are taking this step together! I feel grateful because he has been such a huge supporter of this decision and stands behind me!

I am also grateful to the other family and friends I have standing behind me and supporting my decision to go back to school. With them supporting me, my desire to do it and my new decrease in distractions, this is going to be a wonderful journey! I can't wait until my kids are old enough to understand it and see me doing this! I think it will be great motivation to them!

Guess I should probably get these other assignments turned in and ready for the rest of my day! I will be sure to write again soon!

Friends come and go

Friends come and go, though recently I have had more go than come. Maybe its me, maybe its them, who really knows. I know that not everyone is going to like me, my choices or my habits, so I am okay knowing that these people are no longer going to be part of my life. It kinda sucks, but my life goes on and it just makes room for new friends.

Though, one thing I have come to realize is that I need to be more careful of who I try to befriend. I have gotten hurt a lot recently by people I thought were friends, and I think its because I haven't really paid a lot of attention. I've been so lonely and just wanting people around to talk to, and I haven't really paid much attention to if we have things in common or not. If there is no common ground, there isn't much to talk about. If there isn't much to talk about, chances are things will get very old very quickly.

I can't blame anyone for walking away and choosing to end a friendship with me, especially if there just wasn't any common ground. You gotta have something there to make any relationship work. And from this point on, I plan to be a little more choosy and try to make sure that I am befriending people with similar interests who can also handle me.

First and foremost, though, I want to really set my relationship right with God. I have worried too much about other people and what they think of me when I should be focused on God and what he thinks of how I have been acting. I am not perfect, and yes, even lately I haven't been acting right, so I need to really put forth more effort to quit the same old habits and patterns. Once I can get myself into a better place, I am sure to start making better friends.

I set out a couple weeks ago to build this relationship with God, and got preoccupied with other things. I am done with that. Today I realized that maybe some of these people leaving my life was another way of telling me to focus. Focus on more important things, like my husband, my children, and most importantly, God. Quit focusing on the friends, or lack of, here in Germany, and focus on building stronger and more loving relationships with the few people that truly matter. Maybe then, I won't feel so lonely and can find people on common ground and build strong relationships with them.

This is going to be a tough road because I can already see how easy it is to be distracted. I just hope that sometime in the future I can find those people who will be great friends to me, and me to them. Until that happens, its all about God and really trying to make myself a better person.

Positive Power

How many times have you heard that misery loves company? I know I have heard it, and said it, more times that I'd care to count. It's such a true statement, and I see it everyday.

I've rarely ever heard statements about positivity and what that does. Though, I am starting to see it in my life. Positivity has a way of rubbing off on people and you start seeing more smiles.

Because I had such a negativity towards, well, just about everything, my days seemed to consist of lots of crying, whining and fighting. Not just from me, but my husband and my children. The house just seemed to scream all the time. Not anymore!!!

I haven't ever seen my kids as happy as they have been the last few days! They play more, laugh more, smile more and even hug and kiss me more!!! Just me feeling better has caused a chain reaction into them and they are feeling more positive too!

Its been a great feeling seeing my kids in such a different light. Knowing that they are happy and have fun is even more reason for me to be that much happier! I see how far Adrien has come with his talking, and how smart Darien is. It's just amazing the things you notice, and the thing that happen, when you feel good!

The one I have to thank the most for all of this is God. He has given me life again! I believe that he gave me my boys to help guide me back to him, and gave me all my troubles to use them for something important! He will now be the guide to my new adventures, and I expect they will be tough, but worth every single moment! All I can do is smile because I know with God, I have the positive power!