Paths and Guides

Going to church has been great for us! We are really starting to focus on what is important and every week we get a good reminder of the important aspects of life. Today's service was about sharing God's word with others. The question was asked if we remembered the name of the person who turned our lives around. Well, I do!

I know as a child the first person was our babysitter. She had taken us to church with her and I was very active with it! I was in the girls group and participated as much as possible. I went on retreats and everything. It was good for me.

I also had neighbors who went out of their way to make sure any child who wanted to go to church could. He drove a bus and picked up kids from all over our area and transported them. I wasn't AS active with that church as I had been the last, but it was still good for me. I got that time in and still had the reminder there for me twice a week.

All of the people involved in these churches (getting me there, teaching to me, just being there and everyone in between) played a large role in where I am now. My childhood could have been a whole lot different than it was but because of these God sent people, it wasn't.

Now, there is probably 1 name that I can attribute my new found faith to (God, of course, but the person who reached out and "touched" me). Jennifer. For years I had walked far from the path that God had planned for me and just as I was about to take another bad turn, she grabbed me and pulled me back! She reached out and spoke the words I needed to hear. I honestly believe that she doesn't think much of it, but her words (not at the time but now) meant more to me than most anything I've been told my entire life.

She reminded me that there is more to life than hiding and that when we really accept God's power, our lives can be better! And even when we happen to take a wrong turn on our paths, there is someone there to reach out and grab us! Whether it be a live person or the Spirit, someone is there to guide us to where we should be going.

I believe that because of Jennifer, I am back on the right path to where God wants me to be. I still have a long way to go, a lot to learn and many turns before I fulfill His ultimate plan for me, but at least I am back on the right path and heading in the right direction. Wrong turns are inevitable but with Him guiding me and the right people in my life, I am sure to be grabbed or quickly guided back to the right path!

Who touched your life in a big way? If it wasn't religious, who was the person who touched you in a such a way to guide you and your choices?

Different Dinners, One Table

For dinner I had fajitas, Filip had his fajita quesadillas, Darien had a corn dog and Adrien had pizza. Very different meals but we were all eating at the same table at the same time. Well, something else that I realized while having dinner last night was that while no one is eating the same meal, that shouldn't keep us from sharing one table.

Have you ever really sat and looked at all the people in your life? How many of them are exactly the same as the others? None, right!? We can apply the different meals sharing one table to the people in our lives. Even with our differences, we can come together as friends, and even as family!

What I mean is we are all human. We may not lead the same lives or make the same choices or even share the same opinions but we should love each other. God doesn't tell us that because we don't believe a certain way that he doesn't love us, He loves us no matter what we believe. Why can't we all have that same love for everyone around us?

Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. Our place isn't judging those around us, our place is to love and accept them. We don't have to make them part of the family and be their friends, we just need to show love and acceptance. When we judge or degrade others because their beliefs are different, we are sinning against God.

It's even said that opinions are just that, an opinion. We don't have to agree, we just have to try to learn to accept the difference and move on. Calling people dumb or any other mean/degrading remark against another person, no matter the reason, is not our place. Would God call someone stupid or degrade them the way we do to each other? NO!!! So why do we continue to do this even when we call ourselves Christians?

The idea is to live life as close to the Godly way as we can. Not allowing people, with their differences, to share one table with us is wrong. We may be eating different meals, having different discussions, but we are all loved by God and should be loved by each other!

I am guilty of this myself. Judging people, making comments about them. I have really tried lately to make that one of my changes. In my last post I mentioned the thoughts I have that I pray right then for God to remove them, those are some of the thoughts I was talking about. When I see someone and automatically judge them based on appearance or how the speak, I pray for God to remove those thoughts and I then force myself to think of something nice about the person. Even if it's something as simple as they are wearing nice socks. Just something to veer away from the negative thoughts and not allowing myself to see that person in a negative way.

It's not easy to do and I am sure there are times I haven't caught myself and passed judgment or even laughed to myself about another person. I just want this to be something I continue to work on. I also want to teach my kids that judging people isn't right. They shouldn't look at a person and feel they have any right to do so. None of us do.

No matter how "Godly" we believe we are. No matter how moral we believe we are. No matter how another person acts, dresses or lives. NO MATTER WHAT! We don't have the right to judge, degrade or belittle others. Everyone will have their judgment day so lets learn to love each other and leave judgments up to the one person who has that authority, God!

Realizing His place in my life!

While cleaning the kitchen this morning, I realized something. I always listen to music when I clean, just makes it easier to do and I can sing along and have a good time with it. I just put my iPhone in the docking station and turn it up! My music ranges from Country to Rap to Christian. Well, what I realized this morning is that I might as well delete most of the songs that aren't Christian songs.

I've found that I tend to skip most other types of songs and listen to just the Christian bands. Now, this isn't like the normal Gospel music people are used to. This is Christian rock bands, Skillet and Kutless being the main ones. I just seem drawn more to those songs that anything else now.

There are some songs, like Breakfast At Tiffany's or Strawberry Wine, that I just can't skip over. It just seems weird to me that without me even acknowledging or realizing it, this is one change that has just taken over me.

I haven't really paid much attention to the changes in me, just trying to live for Him and go with the daily stream. Though, sitting here writing about the music, I realize there have been other smaller changes in my life. Like me slowly veering away from certain people or catching myself thinking bad thoughts and praying right then for Him to take those thoughts away. It's actually a much different life than what I had just 6 months ago. I like it!

I even find myself appreciating and loving my husband differently than I did just a few months ago. I try harder in everything I do, for Him and my husband. I've been happier than ever with where my life it at and find myself in much better moods on a daily basis! And we all know that women in good moods is a good thing for their husbands :)

Things are changing for me. GREAT changes that I welcome! Some will be harder than others, like releasing certain people from my life that have been around a while but are just bad for me. I am hoping that I continue to change and grow in His will and become a better person everyday!

Here's a few songs that have been my favorites to listen to lately! Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

http://youtu.be/7elxC8LXfzE

http://youtu.be/6Fxbz67SzSo

http://youtu.be/c_GD4MQspvc

http://youtu.be/BjSvml7iWeQ

http://youtu.be/i8qluy1ISL0

http://youtu.be/82hLvgGuDu8

http://youtu.be/A4ZRxcX1uYE

http://youtu.be/EUs4KxETz8Y

http://youtu.be/v3AzG6C6Q6w

Eye yi yi

Well, poor Adrien and I have been sick for a week now. Just haven't seemed to have any relief. So when Adrien's eyes started to pus, I honestly thought he may just have such a bad sinus infection that it was causing that to happen. Nope. He has pink eye.

Today was the first experience with an off-base doctor. I didn't get to go because I wasn't able to locate my ID, but Filip took him and said it was great. Filip isn't one to care for any kind of doctor visit, especially with the kids, so him saying that is amazing. He said the whole thing was super quick and that he really liked the doctor they saw. Makes me want to make sure we continue to go off base from now on.

Plus, Adrien has a tendency to freak out with doctors. He isn't a fan, which what child is? Though, he REALLY just doesn't want any of the doctors we've seen here to touch him. I think Adrien is a little more picky about people than most kids, but when he likes a doctor, it's rare and should be deemed a good thing.

As for now, eye drops and nasal spray. Hopefully this will all clear up soon and we can get on with our lives. The weather today was FANTASTIC and I am sad I didn't get to enjoy it with my boys. So ready for no more illness and just good times outdoors!

Questions

Life in Germany isn't easy or for the faint at heart. While it can be an amazing experience for most, it can also be a horrifying experience for others. Being in a foreign country, away from family and close friends and sometimes starting or expanding families so far from home can be scary.

I for one feel half and half of it all. While I think living here is a once in a lifetime opportunity that should be taken advantage of, I still have a really hard time being so far from those I love. Honestly, the last two years have seemed to drag, making it feel like I've been here for five already.

We haven't done a whole lot of traveling, which I am sure is part of the reason I find it so blah and not completely happy. We are going to start planning more trips but it is hard with 2 small children and a baby on the way. Most tours and areas aren't necessarily child/stroller friendly and it makes the traveling a little difficult.

Missing family and friends is hard for me. I have met a lot of really nice people here but I don't know that I have too many I'd actually call real friends. They are nice, we get along but there isn't much time being spent hanging out. Between the colds that get passed around, husbands getting deployed and sent on TDY's, its hard to get people together. That, and those of us with small children find it more difficult, and more expensive, to get out than those who's children are in school or grown.

I do also hate that my family doesn't get to see my boys that often. Not having them around and knowing that the kids are missing out on having that closeness that I had as a child makes me sad. That causes a lot of grief for me, along with the fact that all my close friends who have small children and we aren't around them either. The boys seem to get along very well with my friends children and I'd love for us all to be closer.

Though, Filip's family is who'd I'd love to be close to. His family does have more children (since mine are technically the only kids of the family I am close to), all of which the boys seemed to bond with on our last trip to see them. Darien says that one of his cousins, Dominic, is also his best friend. He just loved him to pieces. I just wish we were closer to them and that the kids got to grow up knowing their cousins and other family.

Over the last two years, being in Germany has raised a lot of questions for me. Am I cut out for this lifestyle? Do I love Filip enough to continue living in unknown parts of the world and constantly being separated from family? Am I a strong enough person to still be mentally stable at the end of this assignment, or the end of his career??? Questions that do make a marriage hard and can sometimes end it. But, based on people I know and have talked with, this seems to be a normal part of being a spouse, especially a military spouse. We all wonder at times if we are "cut out" for this, but then we look at our husbands and realize that YES, we can get through this because they are there with us.

I may have questions at times, especially when the homesick kicks in, but I know that no matter how difficult living here may be, when it's all over I have a story to tell that many others will never have! I get to live my life with a man who has stood by me, every up and every down and never looked at me any differently than he did the day he married me. No matter my faults or short comings, he comes home to me every night to tell me he loves me and I know that I have his entire heart and body for the rest of my life!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want all military spouses to understand that having these questions is normal. It's a normal part of marriage and especially military relationships. It just depends on how you answer the questions and what you do with them that determines their importance. I choose to answer them by saying my marriage is more important than the other stuff and that while we aren't close to them now, we will be close to family someday. He won't be in the military forever, so it's not like this will be the only thing we do. We just need to soak up what experiences we can while he's in and make the best of the next 10 years.

If you can look at it and answer the questions like that, just keep reminding yourself that it won't last forever. Even those who don't think they are strong can survive these times and make the most of it! Just remember to continually fall in love with your spouse as often and as many times as possible! Keep communicating and never hold your feelings in. Talk about them, to someone. Til next time!

Sick Sick

Being sick sucks... just so everyone knows. It started off with Darien just having a simple cough and has led to me not being able to breath through my nose and feeling like someone has beat my face in. Even the boys haven't had it quite like this, they still seem happy-go-lucky.

Dariens was enough stress on his body, however, to cause him to break out in hives all over his face. At first we believed, as well as the ER doctors, that it was an allergic reaction. Though, after watching for a couple days, I really think it was just his cold causing it, and so does the doctor we saw today.

I, however, feel like a train wreck. Stuffy nose, horrible cough, headaches... just BLAH. You can tell when you come in my house too, it's a horrible wreck. I did some cleaning today just because I was sick of looking at it, but the rest can wait until I feel better.

Even school has taken a backseat to this cold. I am still doing my work, just not with as much effort and dedication. I am still doing pretty well though, so I am okay with it for now. Just ready to feel better and get back to being on top of my game again!

Sick kids :(

Today decided to be the day that both my kids get sick. I don't think they have ever been sick together, normally a few days apart, so a new experience for me. Guess there is a first time for everything, especially as a parent.

When I went to get Darien from school, they were both fine. Came home, started a movie, had a snack and I checked my email. We were home for about 15 minutes and all of a sudden, Adrien was extremely hot and just starring at the tv. He was responsive, but mainly just by looking at you and saying "NO". The heat radiating off him was enough to make me sweat when I held him for just a couple of moments. I quickly got him some tylenol, and with a forehead thermometer, got a 102 temp. reading. I decided to go buy a thermometer I could use for a rectal temp, since they are more accurate.

When I got back from the store and took his rectal temp, it was 102.8. I gave him some motrin and gave it some time. About 40 minutes after giving him motrin, his temp had gone up to 103.2. So, I said 20 more minutes and I'd check again. Checked again and it was back to 102.8. This is scary for me because this is the highest temp I have dealt with as a mom. That, and with him being perfectly content in the same spot on the couch for hours when he is normally my "can't sit still" child, I really worried.

So, instead of putting them in their rooms, I decided to pull out the couch bed and let them sleep there. Then Darien started complaining of not feeling well. Of course, I thought it was because Adrien was getting all the attention and he wanted some back, so I kinda ignored it. Though, I did touch him and he didn't seem warm to me, so I figured he was for sure just wanting the attention. Nope, not long after he said he didn't feel good, he was running a fever. His isn't as high as Adriens, but it was 101.8 rectal, so enough to warrant some motrin. About 35 minutes later he was 100.9. So, still a slight temp, but down quite a bit from what it was.

Now, its just after 11pm and my kids JUST fell asleep. I sure hope they sleep in a little bit, otherwise tomorrow is going to be a VERY long day. They should sleep in at least a little bit, as I have all the windows and rolladens closed so the sun won't wake them up! More than I could say if they were in their rooms.

It's not time for me to hit the hay so that if they happen to not sleep in, at least I got some sleep. Night!

Laura

We met sometime in middle school. You moved into the neighborhood and we immediately became friends. I remember that over the summers, generally if you found one of us, you found the other because we were ALWAYS together. We had a good time together and rarely let other people get between us.

We have been there for each through some of the best and worst of life, and you were always the person I counted on when I needed a friend. I know we weren’t always there, and sometimes irritated with each other, but I always knew you were one of the true friends.

We’ve been in a couple disagreements that had us not talk for periods of time, and I kick myself now because that was time wasted. You always defended me when other people had something to say. You never let my lack of popularity end our friendship.
You were popular, and me not so much. Most of your other friends couldn’t stand me, with or without good reason. Though, I don’t remember us not hanging out less than often. You even let me live with you when things at home got difficult. We even worked together, which normally complicates any relationship. So, working together while living together and hanging out, I am surprised we never had a physical fight, though happy about it.

We have made it through a lot of stuff together, and you are one of few people that I can honestly say is one of my best friends. We don’t get to talk too often, but when we do it’s like no time has really passed. We update each other and pick up where we left off. Every time I am home to visit, you are one of the first people I see and one of the only people I want to see.

I know that being far apart will always put some stress on a friendship, but know that I am always here for you and I can’t wait to see you again!

Grandparents Day!

In honor of Grandparents Day, I am writing this to my grandmother, Barbara A. Aubin.

Grandma,

Even though you are no longer with me, you are still a very large driving force in my life. You were one of the people who always believed in me no matter what I was doing wrong. You gave me more chances that a lot of people would, and continued to encourage me to do better. Unconditional love was always flowing from you. To this day, I still try to answer the question, “what would grandma say?” when making life decisions.

You lived long enough to see me get married, and even though that marriage ended, it’s something I am glad you were here for. After you left us, I had a hard time dealing with the everyday life, to include my, then, marriage. I divorced him, but quickly found my soul mate. I wish you would have lived to meet him, because you would have understood just why I am so in love with him.

You haven’t met my children, and I wish you could. They are amazing and you’d probably laugh because they are so much like me. They drive me crazy but make my life so much more beautiful. I know that they’d love you just as much as I did because you are just that amazing.

I miss our Sunday talks, and still sometimes have to remind myself that I can’t call you. We used to talk about anything and everything. You’d share your wisdom and give me advice. You’d tell me when I was messing up and when I was doing a great job. Sometimes I wish I could just hear you tell me one more time that you love me, and you hear me say it too.

When you started taking a turn for the worst, I had planned on getting home to see you. Unfortunately, I didn’t get there in time. I remember mom calling me to let me know you had gone to take a nap and was not waking back up. I felt like piece of my heart broke off and was lost forever. I did everything I could to be strong and hope for the best, but you never did wake up. A couple days later, I was back home, a week too late.

The day of your service, it took 4 tries and a little force from Larry to even get myself into the room. I remember mom telling me that you looked beautiful and I disagreed and said you’d look better alive. It was a selfish comment, but how I felt at the time. I know it wasn’t true, but all I wanted was for you to sit up and talk to me. You did look very beautiful and very peaceful, no matter how much I wished it wasn’t so. The service itself was beautiful, and you obviously had lots of people who loved you.

I know we all took it pretty hard, mom and I especially. I still have very difficult days, though I don’t often share that with anyone. You will always be a driving force in my life, and I hope I can make you proud. I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to understand so that I can tell them about you. Though, they will know a lot since they do have mom as a grandma.

I love and miss you more than anyone will ever understand. I will see you again someday.

What and why I am writing

You can probably see that I have had a large increase in blogging. Well, I have been reminded to let those I care about know it. So, I am going to try to do one post per day with a new person that I feel has touched my life, whether I still talk to them or not. It's nice to try to remember all those special people and let everyone know how they changed my life.

I don't know that I will get to every single person, because I could be here for years if I do that, but I want to at least touch on the people with the biggest affects in my life.

The other night, I talked about 5 of the most important people in my life. Leslie, my sister, my mom, Penny and my husband. There are a few more that I didn't get to, but I will very soon! Just got to get my thoughts together about them and write it out.

Some of the things I write will be emotional, and probably make some teary. This is the warning. You may cry, you may not. I know some I will probably cry just writing, but I feel this important to do.

I will be updating on school and other things in between, but I want this to be my main focus of writing. By the way, school is going GREAT! Will be posting again soon!

My Favorite Penny

Pennies shine in the sun
they shine really bright
you should let it tarnish
always treat them right

AAAHHH... Penny. The person who still surprises me, by being my friend. She really is the exact opposite of me, or at least she was when we first met. She was the quiet, friendly, dependable person that everyone liked. I was the self centered, stuck up, crazy person that everyone didn't like. Though, somehow we became best friends.

We didn't like each other, it went both ways on that. I didn't like her, she didn't like me, so where, when and how we became best friends is still even a mystery to us. We hung out with the same group, lived in the dorms and worked together. So, we did spend a lot of time together whether we wanted to or not.

I remember us avoiding each other and staying on opposite ends of the room for a while. Then, one day we woke up and realized that we happened to be best friends. Neither of us can say when or how it happened, just that it did. The how and when doesn't matter, all that matters is that I am glad to call her my friend, and that I realize how lucky I am to be able to.

She was with me the day my 1st child was born, patting my forehead with a wet towel and cheering me on when I was pushing him out. She was there through my first marriage and the divorce. She was there through my troubles, and there through my separation from the military. She was a person I could lean on when times got difficult.

I know she didn't agree with my choices, and I know she had her opinions about them. Though, she rarely spoke of them, rather gave me a shoulder and advice when I needed it. She did tell me briefly when she disagreed, but also reassured me that she was there for me no matter what, and always was.

Though we have oceans, 8 hours and lives that make it hard to talk as often as we'd like, I know she is always there when I really need her. I hope that our paths cross again someday, though I am sure they will!

I love you girl!

My Mommy :)

You stood by me through thick and thin
You didn't give up on me when I didn't win
You had patience when I kept pushing you away
You cared when I said I didn't need you anyway

Still corny, can't help it :P

You are my mom, my friend, my teacher, my everything. It's crazy because I can see that I am so much more like you than I ever imagined I'd be. You've been so much more than a mother, and I can't believe I was so lucky to have you.

I know the past years were rough, and you did everything you could to give us a decent childhood. I know the effort you made to show your love and guide me through. I wasn't always grateful and sometimes even a jerk, but I look back now and know. I am grateful, and ecstatic that you cared about me so much.

You have been there for me through most of my life's toughest times. You've helped me through and kept me going. Without judgement, you made sure that even my bad choices were done with someone to talk to. I always knew when you disagreed, but I also always knew that no matter what, you'd love me anyway. Not everyone is as lucky.

Now, you are the person I call first for just about everything. The person I talk to about just about everything, and one of the people I know I can depend on without a doubt no matter the issue. I can't wait to see you, in just a couple weeks, and be able to have some mommy/daughter time with you. I love you, mom.

Sweet Sister Shannon

You were given to me by God
He gave me such a precious gift
You are my sister and my friend
Always to give my spirit a life :)

Corny, I know. I said poetry isn't my thing...

You are my sister by birth, friend by choice! We have been through our entire lives together, yet we don't see each other imperfections. We have been through quite a bit together and I can't imagine going through those things with anyone else.

We survived divorced parents and a less than perfect childhood. We made it through our own fights and battles with each other. We just made it through, and as much together as we could.

You have been an amazing little sister. Yes, we fight and get on each others nerves, but at the end of the day, we still love each other. There is no question in my mind that we were meant to be sisters, and that God has a purpose for putting us together. You are one of my biggest motivators in life, trying to set an example that I'd be proud for you to follow.

There have been times I wanted to smack you stupid, and times I just wanted to hug you tight, but the constant factor is love. You are one of the most important people in my life, and you should know that I love you more than anyone will ever understand. I am glad you are my sister, and even more happy that we are friends.

My Friend Leslie :)

Leslie,

I met you, but didn't like you.
I hung out with you, but stayed weary.
I started to care for you, and the wall broke down.
Now your my best friend, and that makes me teary :)

It's kinda fruity and lame, but I am not good at poetry... Either way, it shows the steps we went through in our friendship at a glance. Because Leslie is such a huge part of my life, even with an ocean between us, I am writing about her tonight!

Before we even met, I had heard rumors about her. Though I am not one to really judge anyone, I found myself not liking her just based on what I was hearing. So, when we met, I automatically had a wall up. The more we talked and hung out, the more I realized how idiotic those people were for saying the things they said, she was NOTHING like what I'd heard.

I'm not exactly sure when or how, but she has become one of my best friends in the world! We were pregnant together, and 4 weeks apart our children were born. She was a HUGE resource for me since she'd had her 2nd child and I only had my 1st. She was the person I called for advice and helped me through all the crazy times I had being a new mom.

Then, we had a fight. Yes, a BIG fight. We are both extremely head strong, defensive people and unfortunately that got the best of us both. I don't even know how long we went without talking, but I do know that we both found ourselves back together, and stronger than before.

She was the person who, when I was in labor and swore I wasn't, made me go to the hospital. Had she not made me go, I probably would have had my son on her living room floor. She stayed with me and was there when I had my 2nd baby, and still she was the person who got me through all the crazy stuff.

We've had our ups and downs, but I think its because we are more like sisters than friends. Sisters fight, but they still love each other no matter what, and thats how we are. We will tell anyone, our friendship has issues, but we take comfort in knowing that even with the issues, we have each others backs and will always be there for one another.

I can't wait until the day we see each other again, though a massive amount of tissues and eye drops may be required :) She is my best friend, and the person who, even with the ocean separating us, keeps me sane when things are crazy!

I LOVE YA GIRL!!!

Loss and grief

Everyone knows that with life, there is death. The moment of conception, life begins, and at any time can be met with death. It's sad to think about, and can cause a lot of grief.

Why do people think that when a life is lost that people can just cry and be over it? Some people can do that, but for some of us, its not as easy. I've lost a few people that I was very close to, and a baby. It's not something I can just cry over it for a day and bounce back and never have emotion for it again. Do I cry everyday about it, no, but I have my days when it effects me more than others.

There are many days I think of my friend Amanda, and cry. She died 8 years ago, but I still think about her and shed tears for her. I still think of my grandmother. She died 5 years ago, but I still think about and shed tears for her. I lost my baby less than a year ago, so I definitely still think about and cry for my child.

This doesn't mean I am weak, it means that I had very strong feelings for them and still feel sadness that they are not here with me. The day that I think of them without sadness is the day I have forgotten who they were to me and what they meant in my life. This isn't saying that all people feel this way, or because they feel differently means they have forgotten, thats just how it is for me.

I hope that people understand that crying and feeling pain isn't something some us choose to feel, it just is. People really should try harder to understand that and be more sympathetic to people who have a harder time with their losses. Telling someone to get over it isn't being either, and actually is a bit harsh. Something as simple as saying "I am sorry, hope you feel better soon" can be enough, or just say nothing at all. Sometimes nothing at all is better.

School so far!

It's technically only day 2 of college classes, but I feel pretty good about this first class. We are learning about how different learning techniques are used, and figuring out our own learning styles.

A lot of what we are writing about is based on experiences, so there isn't any research or anything involved. I know once I start getting into the core classes, it will become more involved with research and a lot more writing. Though, for a start, I feel I am off to a pretty good one!

It seems like most of the people in my class have been out of school for years, so I am having a hard time understanding their work. I know that my writing skills aren't perfect, but it can be difficult when you are trying to read stuff that isn't written in the same format or style I would write.

I guess this is all a learning experience and I should take full advantage of it by putting in my full effort. I was told that doing too much could cause my instructors to expect more of me, and I feel they should. I haven't been out of school that long, so I remember the basics and feel that I should put what I know to use. Why should I slack on my work when I know I am better than that?

There are going to be times I don't do great, and times I will excel. I just want to be confident that even the times I don't well that I gave it my best and learn from whatever mistakes I made. It's better to fail doing your best than to fail for lack of effort.

It's now time to start working on my next writing assignment, then some reading about Celebrate Recovery, a religious based recovery program that I have decided to become part of. Be sure to check for more updates!

First day of class!

Today is the first official day of me being a college student!!! I am excited, nervous, and ready all at the same time! I've wasted too much time on people and other things that don't really matter, and now I will put that energy into my classes!

Turning in the first assignment was such a great moment for me! It was just an introduction of myself, but I felt great getting it done and getting it turned in on time! I have already completed the other assignments for this week, and will be turning them in soon! It just feels great getting started!

My husband also starts his first class today, as a way of support and to further his own education. It's wonderful that we are taking this step together! I feel grateful because he has been such a huge supporter of this decision and stands behind me!

I am also grateful to the other family and friends I have standing behind me and supporting my decision to go back to school. With them supporting me, my desire to do it and my new decrease in distractions, this is going to be a wonderful journey! I can't wait until my kids are old enough to understand it and see me doing this! I think it will be great motivation to them!

Guess I should probably get these other assignments turned in and ready for the rest of my day! I will be sure to write again soon!

Friends come and go

Friends come and go, though recently I have had more go than come. Maybe its me, maybe its them, who really knows. I know that not everyone is going to like me, my choices or my habits, so I am okay knowing that these people are no longer going to be part of my life. It kinda sucks, but my life goes on and it just makes room for new friends.

Though, one thing I have come to realize is that I need to be more careful of who I try to befriend. I have gotten hurt a lot recently by people I thought were friends, and I think its because I haven't really paid a lot of attention. I've been so lonely and just wanting people around to talk to, and I haven't really paid much attention to if we have things in common or not. If there is no common ground, there isn't much to talk about. If there isn't much to talk about, chances are things will get very old very quickly.

I can't blame anyone for walking away and choosing to end a friendship with me, especially if there just wasn't any common ground. You gotta have something there to make any relationship work. And from this point on, I plan to be a little more choosy and try to make sure that I am befriending people with similar interests who can also handle me.

First and foremost, though, I want to really set my relationship right with God. I have worried too much about other people and what they think of me when I should be focused on God and what he thinks of how I have been acting. I am not perfect, and yes, even lately I haven't been acting right, so I need to really put forth more effort to quit the same old habits and patterns. Once I can get myself into a better place, I am sure to start making better friends.

I set out a couple weeks ago to build this relationship with God, and got preoccupied with other things. I am done with that. Today I realized that maybe some of these people leaving my life was another way of telling me to focus. Focus on more important things, like my husband, my children, and most importantly, God. Quit focusing on the friends, or lack of, here in Germany, and focus on building stronger and more loving relationships with the few people that truly matter. Maybe then, I won't feel so lonely and can find people on common ground and build strong relationships with them.

This is going to be a tough road because I can already see how easy it is to be distracted. I just hope that sometime in the future I can find those people who will be great friends to me, and me to them. Until that happens, its all about God and really trying to make myself a better person.

Positive Power

How many times have you heard that misery loves company? I know I have heard it, and said it, more times that I'd care to count. It's such a true statement, and I see it everyday.

I've rarely ever heard statements about positivity and what that does. Though, I am starting to see it in my life. Positivity has a way of rubbing off on people and you start seeing more smiles.

Because I had such a negativity towards, well, just about everything, my days seemed to consist of lots of crying, whining and fighting. Not just from me, but my husband and my children. The house just seemed to scream all the time. Not anymore!!!

I haven't ever seen my kids as happy as they have been the last few days! They play more, laugh more, smile more and even hug and kiss me more!!! Just me feeling better has caused a chain reaction into them and they are feeling more positive too!

Its been a great feeling seeing my kids in such a different light. Knowing that they are happy and have fun is even more reason for me to be that much happier! I see how far Adrien has come with his talking, and how smart Darien is. It's just amazing the things you notice, and the thing that happen, when you feel good!

The one I have to thank the most for all of this is God. He has given me life again! I believe that he gave me my boys to help guide me back to him, and gave me all my troubles to use them for something important! He will now be the guide to my new adventures, and I expect they will be tough, but worth every single moment! All I can do is smile because I know with God, I have the positive power!

Moving fast, but it feels right!!!

Well, I decided to go ahead a request information for schools with the psychology degree plan just to get a feel for what the process was. I requested information from somewhere around 10 schools, maybe more. Within 24 hours I heard back from 3 of them.

Now, I understand that things get busy and sometimes it takes some time getting back to people, but I especially take in to consideration the amount of time its takes for me to hear back from someone when I request information. Its been roughly 48 hours, and I have still only heard from 3 schools. Now we are into the weekend, so chances are, I won't hear anything from anyone else until Monday at the very earliest. Guess that helps me with the Top 3 list.

Another thing I am taking into consideration is the work load. How many classes would I be taking at one time? How long are those classes? What is the average required time to complete class work? Stuff like that. I want to make sure, especially since I haven't even seen school work since 2003, that I don't get into a program and become overwhelmed and end up quitting. If I look at work load, and really weigh out the options, I have no room to complain if things don't get done.

I am also looking at tuition and how they work with me using the G.I. Bill. Since I was active duty and got out on a medical discharge, I still get full benefits! I want to make sure that it will cover costs, but also be the only form of assistance I am going to need. Sometimes, because the G.I. Bill only pays out once you verify class attendance, that I won't be required to take out a loan. They should rather do a deferment plan to give those payments time to come through.

The other thing I am looking for is the required number of days per week I am required to log in. I am going to really try to make a good schedule to where I do at least 1 hour a day, but for just in case life happens, I don't want to be required to log in every day. I have 2 kids, a husband, a house and other things to do too. School is definitely going to be a top priority, but I need to make sure that what they are asking is what I can give.

So, with these requirements, my Top 3 schools is now down to 1. I believe I have chosen the school I want to attend, they have the exact course I want to take, and it seems the work load, required time, and their ability to flex through the G.I. Bill fits my needs. I will take 1 class every 5 weeks. They will work with me and using my G.I. Bill, and they only require you to log in 2 days of the week. I feel that is a pretty reasonable load for me. The enrollment counselor even spent about 3 hours on the phone with me answering questions and walking me through the process step by step. Just the friendly staff won me over.

One school was out because you do 2 classes at one and are required to log in 4 days of the week. I am sure I "could" do that, but if something happens and I can't log in 1 of those 4 days, I fail. Not something I want to risk. The other school still hasn't gotten back after the initial contact, so, they made it easy too.

I definitely wasn't expecting things to move this fast, but it feels right. I have made enough excuses to not get back in school, and my time is running out to use the G.I. Bill, so I really need to get the ball rolling. As of right now, it looks like I may be starting my first class on Sept 7th!!! YAY! It's exciting and scary all at the same time! Though, I know it will all be worth it in the end!

I have to give praise to God in giving me the strength and motivation to take these steps! I feel that bringing him back to my life has lead me to take these very large leaps and be confident doing it!!!