Unnecessary, Unsolicited Advice

As a mom and wife, I am constantly hearing "advice" from other people about how to parent my children or on my marriage.  Now, there are times I seek advice from people.  Either because they have older kids or I know they have gone through similar things or because they are simply someone I trust to give me Godly parenting/marriage advice.  Though, there are times I get advice when it's not asked for, and by people with no children or who have never been married.  Though, this really goes for any kind of advice.  People who have never been divorced giving divorce advice, someone who has never been in the military giving advice about military service... whatever the case is, it bothers me when people give unsolicited advice just because they think they know better than me.

Why does it bother me?  Well, first I didn't ask for it.  If I need help, or if I feel inadequate in a specific area of parenting or life, I will reach out to someone I trust for what I need.  If I did not ask you for the advice, there is likely a reason for that.  Mostly it's probably just because I do not need the help.  I am definitely not a pro at this but I know myself, my family and the needs of my family better than anyone else does.

Now, getting advice from someone who doesn't have kids REALLY bugs me.  Mainly because they don't have kids.  How can they seriously give me parenting advice if they don't have parenting experience.  And I am sorry, but younger siblings and babysitting does NOT count for experience.  I used to babysit A LOT and it is vastly different than having my own children.  So, when someone who has no real clue tries to tell me how to parent my children, I do get very frustrated.  The kids I babysat were given back to their parents after a few hours.  Yes, I spent a great deal of time around small kids as a teenager, but nothing ever equated to being an actual parent.  I can't depend on another person to take over responsibility of my kids.  Even younger siblings do not give you a full sense of parenting because there is a parent that cares for them (unless the parent is really just that useless).  Until your life, 24/7, revolves around the care, concern and welfare of a child that has no one else that takes care of at least 50% of their care, you do NOT know what it's like to be a parent and should not be giving unsolicited advice to people who are parents. 

I always told myself I wouldn't be like my mom.  I would choose the punishments she chose, I wouldn't yell at my kids, I won't spank my kids, I won't ever do anything that my mom did to me.  Not ever.  I had the idea of the kind of parent I would be, what punishments I would use and how I would treat my kids.  Ha.  My "idea" is far from what my reality is.  I do spank, rarely but it happens.  I yell from time to time.  I even say the exact same phrases my mom used to use.  So, when I punish my kids, I don't want advice from someone who doesn't have kids about how bad that punishment is or how stupid it may be.  I have to decide punishments based on the behavior, the current situation and other factors that people may not know about in the moment.  I wish I had the time to come up with awesome and creative punishments, but sometimes life just doesn't allow for that.  Sometimes I have to think quick on my feet and still keep moving.  That means some punishments will be simple while others are more harsh.  I will likely use punishments others think are stupid or too easy/too mean.  But, until you are the one raising my kids or unless I come asking specific advice, please don't critique what I choose to do as a parent... Whether it is punishment, rewards or whatever.  I have actually been told once that I should not reward my kids a certain way.  Why not?  They are my kids.  They deserved a reward.  What is wrong with what I chose?  The way I see it is... if I am not doing anything illegal or harmful, what is so wrong with my choice of rewards?  If I am harming them, please do call me on that.  But, unless you think my kids are in danger from what I am doing, then is what I am doing really all that bad?

The same with getting advice on my marriage from someone who has never been married.  Marriage is far different from dating or simply living together, and anyone who argues this point definitely doesn't get it enough to give advice anyway.  Yes, a lot of aspects are the same but marriage IS different and should definitely be treated differently than dating.  When you are just dating a person, when things go wrong it can be easy to just end things and walk away from it.  There is no reason to really fight for the relationship, unless you want to.  Same as living together.  Yes, you care for each other and probably don't "want" to end it, but it's much easier to walk away.  However, marriage is very different.  Marriage is when you vow your life to another person, when you vow that death would be the only thing that will separate you.  The first time I took vows, I treated them like they were just another sentence.  However, I am not that same girl and I now take those vows very seriously.  So, hearing advice to just end it simply because we hit a rough patch in our relationship, and from someone who has never been married, infuriates me.  I am not a perfect wife, and I do not have the perfect husband... and there are times we get irritated with each other... we've both made some pretty huge mistakes in our marriage... we've both hit points of wanting to end it... we've been through some really rough things... but walking away is too easy.  Walking away is the weaker choice.  Walking away just isn't what we should do.  We should fight for our marriage.  It isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be.  I love him and I am pretty sure he loves me.  That is what matters!

Ok, I think I am done with that bit of a rant... But really.  I will ask for advice if I need it.  And you will know when I am asking because I will specifically state that I need advice.  I know I need help once in a while, so I do ask for it.  Please just wait patiently until that happens!

New Year, New Beginnings

Today is the last day of 2013.  The year has sure flown by, seems each year goes quicker and quicker.  And as we bring the year to it's closing, I look back and feel extremely blessed!  I won't say it's been the best year of my life but it has definitely been a year of growth and maturation.

I don't think I have a "best" year of my life.  Every year has it's up and downs, just some years had more than others.  Just as some years the downs won my emotions more than the ups did, it happens.  However, this year I feel that there were more ups than downs and that I handled the downs much better than in previous years.

2013 in reflection:

We made a second international move from Germany to Illinois.
We got to visit family in VA, NC and FL for the first time in years.
We found a wonderful new church and church family.
I finally started attending CR and made 6 months sobriety from the habit I went there for (it's really more than that but I am only counting from the time I actually started attending). 
I've met and began friendships with some pretty amazing women!
I have more confidence than I ever had before.
My marriage is the strongest it's ever been.
I am still taking college classes, and doing very well!
I've learned a lot about myself, my family and the people I've surrounded myself with.
I've learned better ways to cope with stress.
I've learned to take responsibility for myself and my actions.

Jorden and Jonathen have both given us serious health scares.
I've grown as a mom, a woman, a friend and a Christian!
There really is so much that has happened this year, many very small things, that have helped me grow in maturity and spirituality. 


To me, each new year is a new beginning for personal and spiritual growth.  Each new year is a beginning for me to continue changing my life for the better. 

So, I have stopped making New Years resolutions.  Really, who ever sticks to them anyway?  I never have.  I have made so many resolutions and get through, maybe, a few weeks and it's over.  I stopped making resolutions years ago, because I knew it was nothing more than a broken promise to myself.

Instead of a resolution, I will make a vow.  A vow to continue growing and seeking God in everything that I do.  A vow to try harder to be a better follower of Christ.  I am not perfect and I know I will still make mistakes.  But as long as I am trying and as long as my heart is truly seeking God, then I know I am doing the best I can! 

If I focus on God and His will for my life, each year can only get better and better!  So, I reflect on 2013 with a smile knowing that I have had a wonderful year despite the hardships.  And I look forward to 2014 with hope because I know God is in my life!

I'm Not Their Dictator

I remember walking around the grocery store, hearing people's kids having massive fits and being total brats.  Why on earth weren't these people controlling their kids?  Make them shut up already, dang.  It was so rude that people would bring their kids to a place like that and ruin the grocery store trip for everyone in the store. 

"If I ever have kids, they sure won't act like that, especially not in public" I remember saying to myself.  And if I did ever have a kid who thought to act a fool like that, I would beat their bottom.  Yep, that was the kind of mom I was going to be, IF I ever became a mom.  I didn't even want kids, so it was a major IF for me.
 

So, for those of you who know me and my kids, you know that I didn't exactly turn out to be THAT mom.  Now, don't get me wrong.  My kids are very well behaved and respectful.  However, they have bad days.  There are times I am the mom I hated in the grocery stores.  My kids get upset, they have fits and I let them.  Shoot, there are times I have even left them laying on the floor and walked to the next isle and let them stay behind. 

I don't "control" my kids.  I have a relationship with them.  They are disciplined and have boundaries but I am not a dictator.  I figure, they are people just like I am.  They need to learn how to think for themselves and how to act even when someone isn't there telling them how to act.  They can't learn that if they are constantly bogged down with rules and discipline.  Plus, they are just kids.  I want them to enjoy being kids while they can.  Life passes too quickly not to enjoy it.

My kids have feelings and emotions just like anyone else does.  I try to teach them appropriate ways of dealing with it all.  They lose their cool and have bad days just like anyone else does.  I just try to teach them acceptable behaviors. 

We give them options.  We can't always be around to choose things for them, so they need to learn to choose things for themselves.  I don't want to be the mom of a 20 year old boy that can't make decisions for himself. 

I want them to learn that there are consequences to those choices, good and bad.  I can easily make the right choices for them, but they should know how to do that for themselves.  Plus, they have to know that when they make bad choices that there are consequences to that.  But I also want them to enjoy the outcome of good choices and to see the reward in that!


So, now, I kick myself for the thoughts I had about those parents in the grocery stores.  I completely understand it now and wish I hadn't been so quick to judge them.  Because no parent can have complete and total control of their kids, and they shouldn't.  Because no child is perfect, so there will be bad days.  And I am honestly glad for that.  I love that my kids are all so different, with amazing little personalities and do not act like others want them to.  They are their own people, they are blessings.


I wake up knowing that I have four blessings that need direction, discipline, and most of all, love!  They are definitely loved, A LOT!!!  I may not have had this plan for myself, but I LOVE that God's plan involved me being a mom and teaching me the lessons that can only be learned from being a mom!

 

That Moment, LOVE.

Last night at dinner I was asked about the moment that I knew I was in love with Filip.  And honestly, my answer surprised even me.  Without thinking about it, I could say that it was love at first sight or make up any number of "magical" moments when I felt THAT moment.  However, most of it would be romantic dreaming and exaggerating the feelings I didn't have. 

When we met, we clicked immediately.  It felt as if I had known him for years.  We got a long well and the chemistry was intense.  We immediately liked each other, well, at least I liked him.  Though, being honest, most of that was sexual.  I was at a time in my life that I didn't even love myself, how could I have possibly loved him?  But, I sure thought I was in love. 

As time progressed and we spent more and more time together, I grew to like him a lot.  So much so that I honestly thought I loved him.  So, when I got pregnant, it wasn't the worst thing life had ever happened to me.  Though, I was upset because I never had any intention of spending my life with him.  I still planned to move back to Florida, because I just wasn't all-in for a relationship with him.  But, the pregnancy changed a lot of things, and it made me want to give a relationship with him a chance.

It wasn't long before we got married.  I would have considered marrying him if I hadn't been pregnant, though I can't honestly say for sure if I would have.  I fooled myself into believing it must be love if I would even think about it.  So, I was a newlywed woman, pregnant and acting as if I was with the love of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I did have love for him, but I definitely was not IN love with him.  We really were just good friends, as far as I was concerned.

I thought that having kids would make my feelings deeper.  Though, after our second child I quickly realized that I was very wrong.  I didn't love him any more than before just because I had kids with him.  I was actually feeling further away from him.  I felt as if we were growing apart because of the kids.  And I believe that these feelings, the lack of true love and feeling like we were growing apart, was what led me to be a foolish idiot.

A separation, an affair and thousands of miles now separated our marriage.  I wanted to end it.  I just couldn't imagine continuing life with a man I didn't have those feelings for.  However, the man I had the affair with reminded me of all the jerks that I went through.  Not all the guys I knew/dated were jerks, but the majority were, especially this guy.  He reminded me of how truly amazing Filip was.  Oh no.  What had I done?  I was about to lose the one thing that was ever really good in my life.  Though, I still wasn't sure if I really loved Filip or if it was the love of an idea. 

Well, after I confessed my affair, I knew it was over.  My heart sank and I was completely prepared for the end of my marriage.  And honestly, I think part of me wanted it as the "easy" way out of everything I was feeling.  But God, and Filip, apparently had other plans.

Filip told me he had to go to Paris for a training thing.  He had mentioned it once before, so it wasn't something I really questioned.  So, preparing for a week of not hearing from him and now having to worry about to real state of our marriage, I talked myself into looking forward to divorced life.  Man, what a mess it was.

A few nights later my phone rings.  It's Filip.  I was about to scream at him for making an international call like that because it was going to be insanely expensive using his phone in a different country.  But, before I could say much, he told me to look outside.  He was there.  He showed up at my friends house to surprise me.  I was excited, nervous and worried about what this could possibly mean.

To my surprise, though, he was there to take me home with him.  I still remember the speech he gave me.  First, a few things are important to know... I LOVE dolphins, prefer gold over silver and my wedding ring had been broken for 2 years and I hadn't worn it for about that long.  I had also decided that I needed to turn my life over to God, FOR REAL this time, so I was going to attempt a new path.

So... first I got a rose.  With the rose came a box.  The box held a necklace with a charm of two dolphins, one gold and one silver, that came together and made a heart.  Filip said that it symbolized how two completely different people can come together and create love.

Then another box.  In this box was another necklace, with a cross charm.  He said that this was to symbolize the new found faith I had.  He also got himself a similar one, so that we both had this new faith.

Third was another box.  This one held my ring.  He had gotten it fixed before arriving.  He said that the ring was a symbol of how anything that is broken can be fixed and made new. 

And there is was... THAT MOMENT... The moment I knew, 200%, without a doubt, with every fiber of my being, that I not only loved the man standing there, but that I was completely and utterly IN LOVE with him.

So, when he held out the ring and asked me to marry him again, I didn't hesitate in saying yes!  Because it was there.  It was really there.  A feeling that I had never felt before, not ever.  I was finally feeling something that was unlike anything I've ever felt, and seeing this man I'd lived with for years in a completely new light.  It was an amazing experience, and one I will remember forever.

So, when I thought about the question of when I KNEW that I was in love, it kinda surprised me that it was over 4 years into our marriage.  Though, at the same time, it didn't really surprise me.  For a long time I didn't even love myself.  It took me years to truly find the love for myself that was needed to be able to love others.  Though, that only came from God. 

Honestly, I didn't mean for this to turn that way, but it was only because of God and deciding to truly go on blind faith for God that enabled me to love myself, and anyone else.  It was when I asked God to lead the way that I woke up to those new feelings.  It wasn't until His light was in my heart that I knew what true love really felt like.  It was because of His love that I was open to the love of others, and able to truly share my love with others.  I owe all the glory to God.  I owe my happy marriage, the love for my husband and the love for myself only to God!!!

Faith is more than belief, it is OBEDIENCE!

Growing up I heard all about God and the Bible.  I even heard stories that were told as Bible stories that do not exist within the Bible.  However, I did grow up believing in God.  Believing that God sent His son, Jesus, to die as our savior.  I believed in it all.  But, I never really understood what it meant to have faith.  I am learning a lot now as I walk closer to God and following the word.

Tonight's sermon touched on the meaning of faith.  I love that the pastor said that faith isn't just believing, it's about being obedient.  You can say you believe the Word, you can talk all day about what you know, but do you obey it?  You can listen to the Word, you can listen to people tell you stories and you can read the Bible all day long.  But do you search for meaning, do you live your life in God's honor, pleasing Him and following His commands?

If you don't follow the commands, how do you prove your belief in His word?  It is foolish to know what is taught and not want to follow it.

Matthew 7:24-27 (NLT) says: Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock, Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.

As our sermon said, this has multiple meanings.  Life has storms.  Trust me, I have been through some crazy hurricanes of life.  However, if you have a solid faith that includes truly living your life by God's commands, you will stay strong and be able to beat the storms.  However, if you waver in faith or choose not to follow His commands, you will find the walls closing in on you during the storms. 

Look at the storms that my life has been through.  There are many times the walls closed in on me.  My faith was non-existent and I was not strong enough.  That was how drugs and alcohol won me over.  It's how alcohol, sex and depression was the controlling factors of my life.  It's the reason I lost control and was off my rocker.  I had no real faith.  I believed in God, I believed in all I had heard about Him.  I just didn't want to follow His commands.  But, by not obeying, I was showing disbelief.  I was showing that I believed my flesh more than I believed Him.

Now look.  I've weathered some insane storms in my life since I have started to seriously relinquish my control over to God.  God never promised there wouldn't be storms, He only says that we can get through them.  And I have.  One of the worst storms of my life had the power to tear my entire life to pieces, but it didn't.  It didn't because I obeyed.  I followed what I believed was God's commands for me and I was blessed by a stronger marriage, an amazing support group that helps keep me focused on my walk with Christ and I am much happier and content with life that I've ever been!  That doesn't come just from believing, that has only come from my obedience!

So, if you say you believe but don't truly follow His word, then you are only telling the world that you don't really believe.  Because a true believer wants to follow His commands and wants to obey because it is what we are instructed to do.  We don't get to Heaven simply because we believe, we get to Heaven by being obedient.  I am choosing obedience!

My Education for Their Education

As most of you are already aware, I am a full time college student!!!  I've been taking classes on and off over the last couple years and I am finally well over half done with my degree!  I changed my major three times and added a minor!  I am now set in as an Education major with a Sociology minor.  I am so excited to see what lies ahead for me by obtaining my degree!!!

School hasn't been easy.  Trying to balance my time between a husband, four kids, two dogs, a house, school and still managing to have my own time and honoring God in everything has been tough.  I know I have failed at times, but I believe that God knows my heart and is forgiving of my flawed efforts. 

Through the difficulties, I've managed to hold a GPA of 3.83!  That is pretty amazing to me!  I have surprised myself and feel very proud of myself!  Though, I know that I would be able to do any of this without Christ in my life!  So, I thank Him daily for the blessing of education!

But why is my education so important?  Because the education of my children, and all children, is of the utmost importance.  They are the future of our world and should have the best educators they can get!  Plus, children deserve the best and I will continue to strive to be the best I can be for the children I will eventually teach!

Come January I will begin teaching my own son, who is in kindergarten, in home school.  How can I give him the best possible education if I am not educated myself?  I can't.  I know that I will learn even more through teaching him, and I welcome all the learning I can get before standing in a classroom full of students that will be depending on me to teach them. 

I fell that my education is important to better their education.  I hope to never stop learning and that what I learn can be used to be the best teacher I can be for the students of the future!

AH!!! My marriage!

I love it when I get inspired!!!  There is a "game" going around facebook; people post a number of facts about their marriage and if you "like" their status, they give you a number for you to post facts about your marriage.  It recently took part in this and realized just how amazing my marriage is!!!  And after talking to a friend about it, I am even more amazed at how awesome my husband and I are together!!!

Our story starts in a bar.  I was married and he had just gotten divorced.  Heck, the first nine months of us knowing each other consisted of lots of alcohol and parties... and sex.  It was one hot mess of a relationship, if you even want to call it that.  People even told us we were doomed, and honestly, we were.  How could a relationship work when it started on such terms?  Good, solid marriages begin on a strong foundation of friendship, not alcohol and sex. 

Add to it that we had children very quickly.  Less than nine months after meeting each other I got pregnant.  We weren't married yet, but here comes a baby.  So, of course marriage quickly followed.  Now add that I was unemployed and our bills definitely outweighed our income.  He had to sell his house and we were living paycheck to paycheck for quite a while. 

Then, a move to another country with 2 babies.  I became depressed and started "acting out".  The stresses of living overseas, not being able to see family and just feeling so alone began to eat at me.  Then, just when we think things are good, I get to go see family and BOOM... Satan attacks and wins.  Whew...

I wanted to leave the marriage... 2 kids just weren't enough to make me stay in it.  I wanted to be back in Florida and was willing to lose my marriage for that.  Then, I had an affair.  Yep, I did.  Hey, what did it matter, I was leaving the marriage anyway so it wasn't like I was pretending to be a good wife and doing it... at least, that was my rational. Though, even that didn't end us.  We still came back together.

Now... things were getting better (at least I thought they were).  I was pregnant with our third child and we were finally getting back to our normal!  My hormones were a little out of whack during the pregnancy, but otherwise I thought things were pretty swell!

And little issues here and there came up but for the most part, things were going GREAT!!!  I had finally gotten to a place I felt like I was in control of my issues and I was being open and honest with Fil about EVERYTHING!  Even when I thought he might get mad, I told him when I was struggling or having an issue.  I stopped letting my own crap get in the way of us being happy together!

Then, just as I really thought things were perfect, I got raped and became pregnant.  Now, definitely the thing that was going to end us happened.  Our marriage was certainly over now.  And it wasn't even something I did, or he did, by choice.  It was stupidity on my part, definitely, but I was going to lose my marriage after everything else because someone took advantage of my stupidity.  Wonderful.

And for a while, I did believe we were over.  He didn't like me, he was disgusted by me.  And really, I didn't blame him.  I hated it, but I couldn't fault him for feeling that way.  It just hurt.  But slowly, we began to get better.  Little by little that dislike and disgust faded.  We were finally more than just roommates, we were becoming friends again.  Then, lovers again.  And before I knew it, we were doing better than we'd ever done before.

Then, BOOM... I find out some things that he had kept from me...

Haven't we been through enough?  That was all I could think.  And for a few days, I just wanted to leave, to give up.  It seemed like it would be so much easier to just walk away and stop hurting than to face all of our issues AGAIN and keep going... but... I couldn't leave.  There is just something about this man that made me stay.

And now... here we are... FINALLY.  After all those struggles and trials.  After our marriage has been put through the ringer.  After we've both messed up and hurt each other.  After we both woke up and realized how important we are to each other.  And we are seriously much stronger than I ever imagined we could be.

He is seriously my best friend, and he says I am his only friend.  Is it perfect, No.  But I don't think we'd be as close and strong if things were perfect.  Our imperfections have caused us to bond and build stronger together.  We've weathered storms that have sank other relationships.  We have seriously stayed together through things that would tear the strongest of couples apart, and at a time we weren't all that strong to begin with.

But how?  How did we get through all of that and still come out loving each other?  How did we manage to stay in a relationship when so much hurt happened on an already faulty foundation of a relationship?  Well, GOD!  God is the ONLY reason.  Yes, we fought for it, but we fought for it with God.  If we hadn't turned to God in those times, things would have only gotten worse, and it would have ended us.  But I am so thankful for God being there and taking control, even after we both pushed him out for so long.

People think that him staying is because he is too weak to leave and that raising Jonathen is the stupidest thing he's ever done.  Some say he deserves better than me and that he would probably be happier without me.  And some people still think that we are doomed and it's only a matter of time before we fall apart, though it's probably more wishful thinking.

Well, keep wishing or find a new wish.  I can't say whether or not he'd be happier without me.  I'd like to think he wouldn't be, but I don't know that.  However, I would have the kids and I know that he definitely would NOT be happier without his kids.  So, for anyone who thinks that obviously doesn't know him well, because they would know he would be miserable without his boys. 

And he does deserve better than me.  I admit that.  I have faults, I have done crappy things and I didn't deserve his forgiveness. But he deserves a woman who, even with her faults, fights for him.  I do that.  He deserves a woman who loves him.  I love him more than I can put into words.  He deserves a woman who will do what she can to make him happy.  I haven't always been THAT person, but I now live to make him happy.  He deserves better, but I am trying to be the woman that deserves him.

As far as him being weak and stupid for not leaving and raising Jonathen - all I can say is people that believe that obviously do not know the strength it takes to work through the things we've worked through.  Fil is far from weak, he is the strongest man I've ever met.  And raising Jonathen is one of the kindest, most selfless things a person could do.  It may seem stupid to people who don't understand, but Fil made a decision that not everyone would be able to do.  And it really speaks to the love he has in him, as well as speaks to how powerful and might God is when we allow His work in us!

I was blessed the moment Fil entered my life.  I want to spend the rest of my life being the wife God called me to be, to the man that God obviously made just for me!  We may not have had the easiest first few years but I know that the trials have made us stronger and closer!  And 40 years from now, I really hope that people see us together and ask HOW we made it.  I want to be that gross old couple that make people vomit because we love each other so much!  And I know that we can be!!!  And to me, that is worth every trial and worth all the doubt people have in us!!!

Sick and Unheard

It's very irritating when doctors don't listen to me, especially when something has been going on for a while.  And I am about to stop allowing the doctors to make so many calls that I don't agree with, especially after the last handful of times I've gotten sick.

When I was pregnant with Jorden, I got a pretty bad cold.  I was sick for weeks before a doctor finally decided it was a good time to put me on some antibiotics, which with just one dose, I felt a million times better.  But until that point, for WEEKS, I suffered.  And I know I was pretty far along with him, adding to the discomfort of it.

When we first PCS'd here, I got sick due to the climate/atmosphere changes.  It was about 3 1/2 weeks before they gave me any sort of medicine, and even then, it was just sudafed.  Finally, a week later, I was given antibiotics which cleared it right up.

Well, I have been sick now, going on three weeks.  Before this morning I had seen 2 separate doctors that said it was viral and to just let it run it's course.  I didn't agree completely but I just went with it anyway, especially after my last few times of dealing with being sick.  Well, then I call the on-call doctor and gave her all my symptoms: about 3 weeks of being sick, getting progressively worse, severe throat/neck pain, severe tiredness, and cough.  She asked about fevers, and when I told her I never run fevers, she said that it was just viral and there was nothing she could do for me.  That I could go to the ER if I wanted to (which I didn't) but that it would likely be a waste of time.  So... I didn't bother.

Well, after 2 more days of worsening symptoms, I finally had enough and went it.  My temp was 98.2, and I gave the doctor all the symptoms above.  He even scoffed at the doctor who thought to diagnose it viral without having ever seen me, with my symptoms, over the phone.  He said that it is strange that I wasn't running any fevers but that it was clear that it wasn't simply viral.  So, a doctor that is finally going to help me!

Well, I have strep.  I didn't have a fever, not even a slight one.  I was actually a bit below normal.  But I have strep.  What are those odds?  And why don't the doctors listen when I tell them that I NEVER run fevers.  When I run a fever then most likely I am on the verge of death, that's how rare it is. I am so ready to find doctors, that we can use for regular care, that listen to those details and take heed to them. 

I am glad, however, that I do finally have some medicine and am feeling better after just 1 dose!  It is nice to finally have relief from the pain that I had.  It was the worst kind of pain I've had in quite some time.  Hopefully by the end of the week we will all be done with the yuck and I can get back to life as normal!

Parents Raise Parents

Parenting.  Everyone who is a parent knows that it isn't easy.  We are responsible for these lives, keeping them safe, happy and healthy.  There are times we find trouble in keeping ourselves safe, happy and healthy so to add more lives into needing us to do those things, it can be a hard task.  Though, no matter how hard it is, God chose us to do it!  God designed it this way.

I am going to give a recap of our sermon, as I understood it, and as I hope to apply it in our lives. 

Many people believe that they only need to teach their kids enough to get them to 18 years old and out of the house.  There are some who think they just need to be contributing members of society.  Some feel that as long as they are happy, it doesn't matter how they turn out.  Well, what about their future roles in life? 

As our pastor said this weekend, we are raising future wives and husbands, future mothers and fathers.  We are responsible for the wife/mother or husband/father that our children become.  Think about your role as they see it.  Would you be happy if they treated their spouse or children how they see you act?  Would you be happy if they were treated that way?  Our purpose, as parents, is to teach them how to treat their future spouse and children, and they learn by example.  Be their parent first, once they are an adult with their own family, you will then find friendship with them.

Our children will become what we are.  And yes, there are exceptions to this, though the vast majority follow in their parents footsteps.  I do not have daughters, but I have 4 sons that I hope grow up to be great men, husbands and fathers.  Though, how can they be if we do not set a model for them to follow?  If Fil was mean to me or if we fought all the time, they would grow up seeing that as normal.  And that would turn into the normal for them, in their own homes, later. 

Our church asked some people if they felt it was more important to be a parent or a friend to your children.  Every single answer was that it should be a balance of the two.  Well, that just isn't true.  Children will have enough friends, they NEED parents.  They need a model of how to behave and treat people.  They NEED discipline.  They need guidance.  With all of those needs, there isn't time to be a friend.  Plus, as I said above, we are raising them to be future spouses and parents, teaching friendship will fall in there on it's own.

Now the other issue I see all the time is that parents want to shelter their kids from the world.  They believe that hiding their kids from what's out there is protecting them.  Well, that isn't true either.  As parents we could keep them from everything, but what happens when they go into the world on their own for the first time and experience everything without us.  It will be a shock to them, and that is when you find that a lot of young people struggle with finding balance.  They don't know how to react or how to feel about it.  They get lost or act out, and it can be very dangerous.

Don't shelter them from the world, EXPOSE the evil that is out there.  When you expose things to them, you give yourself an opportunity to talk about it with them and to teach them why it's evil and how to handle it.  Now, this isn't say to show them a video of bad things and talk about it.  This means, don't try to hide the real, everyday world from them.  Here is a great example that I see the most commonly:

Sex.  Parents think that by not talking to their children about sex, they can delay them having sex.  However, that evil is out there, everywhere, even among YOUNG children.  This is not something we can, or even should, shelter our kids from hearing about.  Our youth needs to talk about it, needs to know about it.  But what they need to know is what the Bible says and WHY.  If we do not talk to them about it, they learn from peers, tv, movies and just in society.  They learn what society says is normal for sex, not what God says the design for it is.  So, do not try to shelter them.  Have an open dialogue with them with the word of God and and honest heart. 

I know I don't have this down myself, but I hope to start being the mother and wife God intended me to be.  I have come a LONG way since they day I got married and I pray that God never stops changing my heart!  I pray that I never stop changing and growing in His word.  I pray that I am the kind of wife and mother that God is proud of! 

In one of my book studies I came to tears, and I still feel the same way, when discussing the marriage that I have.  Are we perfect?  NO.  Do we always get it right?  HA... NO WAY.  Our marriage is far from perfect and we mess up all the time.  We haven't always relied on God and we still have moments that we don't rely on Him completely.  We are learning, we are trying.  However... after all that our marriage has been through, I would be proud if my boys were the kind of man that their father is.  He fights for our marriage.  He fights for me.  He fights for our love.  He NEVER gives up.  And we are really turning our lives and our marriage over to God as part of our fight for each other!  And that is one quality I want them to learn, one aspect of marriage they NEED to know. 

Lemons, Lemonade and Visible Half Moons on Wednesdays

She's lying on the floor, white and cold. Her thoughts are clear and she flying above all of her issues.  Her arms are bruised, her bones are easily seen and there is no life left in her face.  Her death was not physical, it was mental.  Her parents wonder what they did wrong.  Her siblings hurt and worry.  Her children do not understand.  She does not value her own life, she wishes she were dead.  But people only seen the mess she has become, they do not see the mess she came from.  People can't possibly understand how awful her life was before, they would want to escape it too.  She blames her past, says she just wants to forget, she just don't want to feel the pain of it anymore.  Her pain and anger get turned toward her kids and other family.  Everything that happens is just something else to add to the list of reasons life sucks, and reasons to drown it all out.

Life is a blessing.  It is really that easy.  There are so many people in the world who take life for granted or are completely defeated by their circumstances.  They dwell in the misery and wish for death more than enjoying their life.  It is actually very sad, though I was once similar to that.  There are days that I need more "help" than others, but I definitely do not want to dwell on the bad when I do see so much greatness around me!

This morning, a friend of mine posted this:

          "we have two choices with the life we are dealt. Suck all the bitterness out of it and blame others for your situation or get off our duffs, change our attitude and let God use it to HIS glory. Lemons or lemonade? Which will you choose?"

I read this at about 815 this morning.  In the moment I read it, it didn't hit me.  However, when we got out of the car and my son pointed out the "moon" that was high in the sky at the same time as the sun, it kinda hit me.  God is pretty amazing.  The universe he created is pretty amazing.  Life is pretty amazing.  

I was ready to complain about having to drag three of my four kids out again to go get our medicine.  I was ready to be irritated by not being able to come right home and go back to sleep.  I was just ready to be miserable with the "hand" I was dealt by us all getting sick and having to have medicine.  

But these words, along with the moon being visible while the sun was shining, was the reminder I needed to not be bitter.  Had I not had to go out, I could have missed seeing that.  And, it really was beautiful.  I wish I had my camera on me to take a photo.  I don't know if it was the angle I was at or what, but it didn't look like anything I had ever seen before, and yes, I have seen a visible moon during the day before.

Many people are dealt a hand at life that is less than desirable.  It happens.  But when you focus on ever negative thing, you will continue to only see negative things.  The more the bitterness gets to you, the more bitter you become.  But, if you focus on the good stuff, you will soon see more good stuff.  And life is a whole lot better when you see the good stuff!  

One of the ways to get the good stuff is through God using the hand you were dealt to help others get a better hand.  Add God to your life and use your experiences for good.  Show someone else that those bad circumstances do not always mean emotional death, but can mean an eternal life of happiness!  
Look at it like the lemon (our lives) and sugar (God) -

      Lemons are bitter.  If you squeeze the lemons but add nothing to it, you will have nothing but bitter lemon juice.  Now, if you add some sugar to it, you get lemonade.  And when you share your lemonade with others, you are able to save another person from drinking any more glasses of bitter lemon juice and they begin to make lemonade too!  It also helps you find friendships and relationships with people who understand you and can help you make your lemonade!  Because some days our lemonade may be a little more bitter or a little sweeter... but when we have other lemonade drinkers, they can help us find the balance of lemons and sugar that is right for us!  

I know that I have good and bad days.  And when the day starts off bad, it is easy to focus on that and then it gets worse.  When I focus on the bad stuff (the lemon juice), that is all I will see.  I will forget that God (the sugar) can make the day better by adding something good.  My life was full of lemons... bad experiences and crap hands.  But I am letting God do his work in me.  And when I share that mixture (the lemonade), I can make another persons day.  I can show them how to make their own lemonade.  Just as others have helped teach me, and now continue to remind me of how when I begin to focus on the bad.

So, what is it gona be for you?  Lemons or Lemonade?  And when you see that half moon high in the sky with the sun, will you appreciate it?  The sweet stuff is everywhere, just have to add it!

"Godly" People

What is a "Godly" person?  What do they look like?  What do they act like?  Do any truly "Godly" people exist or do people use that as a way to try hiding their life issues?  Is Christianity just a cover up for people to do what they want and then claim it is religion?  Why do those who do the worst stuff the ones who end up "preaching" to others?  Many people ask these questions.  Well, I want to try to answer some of it as best I can by my own personal understanding.

The first question I want to touch on is whether Christianity is just a cover up for people to do what they want and then claim religion.  This is a double ended question.  I do believe that there are people out there that do this.  For example, Westboro... I don't think I need to say anything further about that.  They claim they are Christians, however, they do not act in any manner remotely close to the Bible's teachings.

Now... there are many who are Christian who do not do that.  Believing in Christ, following Christ and being a Christian is a process.  This process goes at different speeds for each person and will look different from person to person.  There are some who take small steps, making small changes over time.  There are those who jump in head first and take a huge leap very quickly.  Either way, neither type of person is any less a believer, or any less a Christian.  Their walks with Christ are just as different as they are.

The next questions I will touch on is what is a "Godly" person, what do they look like and how do they act?  Well, I believe a "Godly" person is someone who is completely open about themselves, their lives and still believes that God saved them and everyone.  I believe that they are the people who are putting His word out there, through their mistakes and experiences in life.  I believe they are the people who honestly want to do good and live each day trying to please God, not themselves or others.  They are the people who are dependent on God's word and strive daily to be more like Christ than the day before.  That is what I believe a "Godly" person is, looks like and acts like.

Now, is Christianity a way to cover up life issues?  Well, for some, yes.  However, a true believer and follower knows better.  Being Christian isn't about covering up life's issues, it's about using God's word to conquer life's issues.  To depend on God during life's issues and to strive to do what Christ would do if He were in our place.  It isn't about not making mistakes, it's about trying and believing.  About learning and yearning.  It's about holding ourselves to a higher standard of living, trying each day to be better than yesterday and to live your life in a pleasing way to God.

This leads to why people who seem to have the "worst" issues become the ones "preaching" to others.  Well, because they know how important Christ is.  They lived the life of SUPER mistakes and issues.  They were once the person on the completely opposite side.  They made mistakes,  owned up to them and allowed God to work in their lives.  It isn't that they now believe they are better than others, they simply want to show other people that life CAN change.  Things, issues and circumstances CAN change.  People CAN change.  With Christ.  They want to share the great things they are seeing and they want to see others find that same love and happiness!

I will now use myself as an example.  I will not even try to remotely claim that I am a "Godly" person, but I strive to be.  That is my goal, to someday be a person that is considered a "Godly" woman.  I want to live my life only for Him, pleasing Him, and doing as He has instructed me.  I've made so many mistakes in my life, some bigger than others.  However, God still loves and forgives me.  Those mistakes do not mean that I am not able to be a "Godly" woman.  It might mean I have more work to do to get there, but that is okay. 

I do not what to use God as a way to "cover up" my issues.  I want to use my issues to teach about God's love and grace.  To show others how amazing God is in forgiving people, even when they don't deserve it.  I want to show others that life can still be amazing, even after they have been through hell and back in this life.  I am proud to show off my God, His amazing love and forgiveness, and how he has worked miracles in my life!  It isn't that I feel that I am better than anyone else, because I am not.  It is that I want the best for everyone, and I believe God is best for everyone!

And I know that I will continue to make mistakes.  I will continue to disappoint people in my life.  I will hurt people and I will even disappoint God and myself.  It is going to happen.  There is no person, no matter how hard they try, that doesn't sin.  The difference is that I try harder not to make so many mistakes.  I purposefully watch myself and my weaknesses so not to allow myself in those bad situations.  I lean on God, trying to follow His lead.  I no longer have a self-pleasing attitude, I have a God-pleasing desire. 

Yes, there are people out there who will use Christianity as their defense for doing awful things.  And it is those people who give people like myself, and many that I know, a bad name in our society.  God isn't a cover story.  God isn't an excuse.  God is love, grace, mercy and peace.  I believe everyone deserves to know these truths.  Not just to know the information, but to truly feel it and live in it and feel the blessings from it! 

I am not perfect.  But I know God's love and mercy, which is perfect and unconditional.  I pray that everyone will know it in their lives.

"Differences"

As he grows, his differences become more noticeable.  Well, at least to everyone else.  There have been many more questions lately, about those differences.  So, I am writing an all-inclusive response to all the questions that have been asked to hopefully answer those who may be afraid to ask.

The biggest question is where Jonathen got his curly hair.  The other most asked is why he is a different color than his brothers, which is most often asked by young children.  The all-inclusive question is "why is he different?".  Well, depending on the age of the person asking, my answers vary some.

For the young children who ask, I will kindly explain that God makes all babies different and that Jonathen was created to be unique.

However, I am still at a loss as to what to say to teenagers.  Only because I can't always know their maturity level and/or what their parents would deem appropriate for them.  So, for now, I think the basic answer of "his differences are those that God allow and we accept them" will suffice.  If they want more information, or the parents know and feel they can know, then by all means, tell them.  I don't hide it, no need for anyone to do that either.

Now, for the adults who ask.  I think part of the problem is that I assume people read my blog if they are a friend on facebook.  I need to get out of the habit of assuming this.  It seems that many people on my friends list are still completely unaware.  So, when I get asked, I actually feel embarrassed for them.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed, which is why I can be open about it.  We have even agreed that we will not hide the truth from our children, as it is part of how our family was created.  

I was raped while under the influence of alcohol. The man responsible was a black man.  This is where Jonathen gets his "differences".  Though, it doesn't matter one bit, to us, because all we see is our child.  Filip and I have four children together, that's as simple as it is. I am not going into details here, you can check out my previous blogs if you would like to know the full story, but I will say that I have taken responsibility for my actions and am trying to live every day learning from those bad choices.  It made me realize how much I truly needed to lean on God and truly give him my life, not just bits and pieces of it.

I know that people are going to have their assumptions and own "beliefs" about what may or may not have happened.  I respect their right to that.  I also respect those who are willing to ask questions and at least respect my choices to take responsibility for my child and that I have since made changes in my life to make sure that nothing like that ever happens again.  I also hope that people have respect for my husband, who has supported me and been the most amazing man I could ever be blessed with, as well as the most amazing father that our 4 children could have been blessed with.

While some may not agree, we were blessed with a child who has strengthened us, our marriage and our family.  Jonathen is a blessing to our family and I can only pray that we are as much a blessing to him as he has been to us! 

Jorden and the cold season

It's starting again.  Jorden is coughing and breathing heavier.  The air is cooler and the ickies are going around.  And this mama braces herself for a long, stressful winter of illness.  I will never forget the scary time we've already had with him.

It was early October, Jorden was only about 3 weeks old.  His breathing started to sound funny so I made him an appointment.  The doctor assured me that it was only in his throat and that I had to let it run it's course.  Well, even though I didn't exactly think I agreed, I trusted the doctor and we were on our way.  That evening we left him, and the other two boys, with our adopted niece, who was 14, while we went out for a couple hours.  We arrived home to find everyone asleep, so we also went to sleep.

It was just before 7am that we were woke up by Jorden's coughing.  It was non-stop, and very hard coughs.  He coughed so much, and so hard, that he was unable to breath and just stopped breathing.  His lips were turning purple, his whole face started to look blue.  For a split moment, he had no visible life in him.

Fil quickly rushed him to the bathroom and got the steam going while I called an ambulance.  He started breathing again, but it was very rough and seemed like he was struggling to do so.  Before I knew it, we were surround by medical responders, most of which were German.  It was decided that we would be going to the children's hospital in the downtown area, which terrified me.

Living in Germany was a great experience.  The language barrier is really my only complaint.  Especially in emergency situations like that, it doesn't help the stress factor when you don't feel like you are able to adequately communicate with the people caring for your child. 

Jorden had some breathing treatments and was watched for a few hours before we finally went back home.  We were given an inhaler to use on him until we could see a doctor again.  Though, I was furious that this happened less than 24 hours from being told that it was nothing more than a throat issue.  How do I trust the doctors after I KNEW something was wrong and they said otherwise.  Well, like anyone else, I knew I had to get him seen again.

When we went to his follow-up appointment with the doctor who brushed us off, she still couldn't tell us anything.  She had no answers for why that happened and still swore it was in his throat, not his lungs.  So we waited and within 48 hours, he was in the ER for more breathing issues.  This is where I was told I was killing my child.

Yep... A doctor told me that.  See, I was a smoker.  And this one doctor felt the need to tell me that it was my fault he was sick and that I was killing him by smoking.  Which, honestly, just made me want to smoke more.  It did no good, it only made me angry and caused my stress to lead me back to smoke more.  (I do not smoke anymore, so yes I do now see the flaws in my thinking).  However, I still didn't think my smoking has AS MUCH to do with it as she was making it sound.  I didn't smoke near him, never smoked in our van and always changed and washed hands before touching him.  I was doing what I thought would expose him to as little as possible without quitting.

Anyway... for months we were in and out of the ER and doctors appointments with him.  I think we had them count it and at around 5 months old, he had already been seen something like 35 times between the ER and appointments.  So, one more attempt at getting answers, I made an appointment for him.  This time we saw a different doctor from our normal.  He had no clue what to tell us either but could definitely agree that there was more to it than me smoking.  So, we finally got a referral to see a pediatric pulminary specialist. 

Now, this was around the time he was 6 months old.  Because of all the steroids he had taken in that time, he was already 24lbs and wearing 18 month - 2T sized clothes.  And he was such a happy baby.  You would think that a baby having such a rough time would be miserable.  Nope, he was seriously a joy and always smiling! 

Lots of blood, sweat, tests and tears later, the German specialist finally had an answer for us.  However, the answer didn't easily translate.  There was some confusion on it.  Though, it was finally determined that they believed I was GBS positive when I gave birth to him, which originally caused the issues.  Though, now the damage was done so nothing could correct it.  He got some strong antibiotics, which worked with the 1st dose, and we were told that he would forever have these issues. 

We have a nebulizer that we have to use almost the entire fall/winter time, 3-5 times per day.  He also has an inhaler that we carry around for those times that it comes out of nowhere, which is more often than not.  The fall and winter are very rough in our house, and often unpredictable because of his issues.  And here we are, seeing it begin again.

I pray that this year we are able to get better control of it and that we do not end up stuck home most of the cold season.  I do not like seeing any of my babies sick, especially not like this.  So, if you pray, please just say a prayer that he doesn't suffer much this cold season. 

Two years, too special!

Two years ago today, we welcomed one very special little boy into our lives.  Jorden has been through a lot in his short life, though we are blessed to experience life with him in it!  I am very proud to be his mommy and I look forward to seeing the man he becomes!  For now, I like to remember the day he entered into our lives!

I was 39 weeks pregnant.  For weeks I had been having contractions on and off.  I had finally come to the conclusion that I was going to be pregnant forever, lol.  After having 2 babies late, and then the number of times I had hoped it was finally happening and it was nothing, I just gave up hope that he would come before his due date.  Little did I know that my body had other plans.

I decided that I wanted to hit up the Bazaar on the base with a good frined.  There were a few things I wanted to get and what better place and time than the bazaar!  Anyone who has lived in Germany and attended one knows, they are large and lots of cool stuff.  And, of course, the food.  I wanted funnel cakes.

We walked around for a good couple of hours.  It was a nice cool day and I was enjoying being outside.  The funnel cake was pretty amazing too.  After eating a delicious baked potato, we decided to go find the bubble guns all the kids were walking around with for our kids.  Well, first, I had to pee.  We walked to the far end of the bazaar, to the second hangar, and I used the bathroom in the back.

I remember that I just happened to look in the toilet and thought that my pee looked different.  I didn't think twice, though, and went on about business.  As soon as I walked out of the trailer, I had to go again.  So, I turn around and felt myself pee a little.  "GREAT", I thought, "I just peed on myself.  I just love being pregnant".  It had never happened, that much, before.  Well, I went again real fast and was on about my business again.  I walked back out and then it happened.  MORE PEE.

Oh man... I couldn't believe I was peeing on myself.  I felt disgusted and started back toward the bathroom.  This time, however, the pee didn't stop.  It just kept trickling out.  It was like 20 seconds before it clicked.  I wasn't peeing, my water broke.  When I turned back toward the hangar, I had the first big gush.

I had to go find Ashley and all the kids.  Thankfully they were still right up front.  I told her we had to go, that my water broke.  She hurried and got all the kids together and we headed back to the cars.  That walk from the second hangar all the way to the parking lot seemed to take FOREVER.  I was waiting for that first contraction to hit, but it never did.

Ashley took me to Fil and then took my van and the kids back to her house.  We headed to the hospital.  By the time we got up to the Labor and Delivery unit, I was sloshing in my jeans.  It was the grossest thing I had ever felt in my life.  It was in my shoes.  I was completely soaked from the waste down.  I was just ready to get the pants off.

Now.  Any woman who has had a baby in a military hospital knows that they want to "verify" that it is actually that the water broke and not just pee.  Thankfull y they seemed to believe us.  We were quickly in a room and set up.

Hours went by and still no contractions.  After talking to the Dr, we decided to start pitocin.  It didn't take long for the very painful contractions to start coming.  I made it like 4 hours with zero progress before getting the epidural.  Within an hour of that, my progress picked up and it was time to push.

I honestly do not remember much of the pushing.  However, I remember very clearly the tiny, handsome baby that was handed to me.  He was so little, compared to his brothers, but he was perfect.  I was once again amazed at the beauty God created when he created babies.

Over these two years, since his birth, Jorden has had his skin and asthma issues, a seizure and has almost died.  His two years have been full of worry for us as his parents but full of love and smiles too!  I would never trade a single moment with him.

He is a crazy little boy, with almost no fear.  He isn't afraid to tell us how he feels and stands his ground.  He is tough and doesn't allow anyone to push him around, especially not his brothers.  He is active and is almost always going, going, going.  He is happy and makes everyone around him happy to be with him!  And he is amazingly loving!  He lights up the lives of almost everyone he meets and is a pure joy most of the time!  Even when he is sick, he makes everyone around him feel better!

He has been a blessing to us.  And even as we embark on the "terrible twos" I couldn't be more excited about the future we have with him!

Happy Birthday Jorden!!!

A Beautiful Mess

I decided to join the MOPs group on base this year.  This will be the first time ever being part of MOPs, and I am pretty excited.  Their theme this year is A Beautiful Mess.  They couldn't have picked a more appropriate theme to explain the life of Mothers of Preschoolers, so I am completely stealing the idea to write about it.

Life is messy.  With or without kids, life is messy.  However, the mess with kids is much more fun and more beautiful. 

Being a mom is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, definitely 4 of the greatest blessings in my life.  Some days are harder than others, and there are some that are definitely messier than others.  But that is really the fun of it! 

Having 4 kids, my house is rarely ever spotless, if ever.  There are things everywhere.  Toys, clothes, shoes... if it isn't one thing, it is another.  I am constantly stepping on, in or over things that belong to everyone other than myself.  The bath tub regularly has dirt rings from bath time and I can't even remember the last day that I wasn't having to change a diaper. 

Laundry is almost never completely done either.  I can get most of it washed and dried, though getting it put away is something completely different.  Piles of clean clothes sit around, making it look a lot more messy than it truly is.  But hey, it's clean.  It is truly the never ending battle in the family of 6. 

My house is messy... because our lives are messy.  We are busy and the happiness of my kids is much more important than the cleanliness of my house.  I try to clean up one good time each day and have the kids help with some things when they get home from school.  But past that, life it too short to spend most of it cleaning... and life messes are no different.

Life is a beautiful mess, one that I am blessed to share with 5 pretty amazing guys!  And even though some of the messes along the way were bigger and/or worse than others, I will forever be grateful for them all!  Because life today was worth every mess we've been in along the way!

My husband, my friend, a blessing!

Thank you God, for I am blessed!

I look around, see little glimpses of the lives of others, and become overwhelmed by my blessings.  I don't know what I did for God to deem me worthy of these blessings, but I will accept them graciously anyway!  One of the biggest blessings in my life is my amazing husband!

I am far from a perfect wife.  I am not a good house keeper.  I am moody.  I have cheated.  I have done things that most say are unforgivable.  I am sure there are days that my husband questions why he even married me.  However, I pray that most days he has a good reason.  He is a blessing that I am definitely not deserving of.  He is my best friend, my lover and the father of my babies!  I will forever thank God for sending him to me.

I don't know any other man who would put up with me the way he does.  Especially not when there are many who voice their opinions of our relationship to him, thinking he is better off without me.  He is truly the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally and without expecting me to be someone I am not.  He accepts me, with all of my faults, and sees the best in me, even when others don't.

He also brings out the best in me.  He makes me want to be, do, better.  He makes me want more out of life.  And as long as he is by my side, I will get the most out of life!  He motivates me in a way no one else ever has.  He doesn't remind me of my flaws, he focuses on my abilities and strengths and reminds me of them.  He makes me feel good about myself, like I am capable of doing ANYTHING I set my mind to do!  I wish the kind of spouse for everyone.

He is truly my best friend.  I have other friends, but he is honestly the first person I go to for EVERYTHING.  It hasn't been like that our entire marriage, but over the last year and a half, we have truly become extremely close.  He has even commented that I am really his only friend, but that he couldn't have picked a better friend to have for a lifetime!  We can talk, we can play, we can handle any situation together.  I think our 7 1/2 year marriage speaks for itself.

Think about it.  Everything we have been through.  Things I have done.  Things he has done.  Things that have happened that could have easily broken our marriage.  But none of it did.  We got through it, TOGETHER.  We built a friendship that carries us through the worst of times and allows us to enjoy the best of times!  

There are people who think he is better without me.  I have to argue that.  No one really sees our relationship.  They only see the pieces that we show them.  They do not understand in the least bit the bond that we have formed in our 8 years together.  They do not understand just how wrong their opinion is.  No one knows the feeling he still gives me when he is around.  No one knows the extent to which I miss him on just a normal day when he is at work, let alone gone for more than a few days.  No one will ever be able to understand the love I have for him, not even me.  If he feels even half the way about me that I feel about him, then he definitely wouldn't be better without me, his life would be flipped upside down and he would be miserable.  I know I would be.

We haven't had a perfect relationship.  In fact, we have gone through a lot that most couples would have ended things without a second thought.  What we do have is God, love and forgiveness.  These are all needed in order to have a strong, lasting relationship.  We may have gotten a late start getting on the right road together, but better late than never!  

I just pray that there will come a day when those people who think he would be better without me wake up and see that we have a strong love, a desire to be together, and a changing relationship that is much better today than it was 2 years ago.  I pray that people stop focusing on past issues and start seeing the good that is now happening for us! 

I am blessed to have this amazing man in my life.  Blessed beyond any measure for which I am worthy.  God gave me a partner that loves and accepts me.  He gave me a partner that I have loved more, and differently, than I have ever loved a person before.  He gave me the person that makes me want to be a better woman, wife and mother.  He blessed me with the perfectly imperfect man!

Slow Down, Enjoy!

For a long time, I have felt super busy.  It felt like I had no time to do anything other than be a mom, wife and college student.  It was recently that I was feeling overwhelmed by it all.  I won't say there aren't still moments that I feel overwhelmed, but I am definitely trying to slow down a bit and enjoy life more.  For too long I let things pile on and I begin to get overwhelmed with fear that I can't handle it all.  Though, I don't understand why I continually do that when I have been handling it for so long.

I started reading a new book.  I am doing it kinda "book club" style with another woman who I look up to spiritually.  Just the first few chapters have spoken to me, reminding me of things people have been telling me all along.  My husband has been telling me that I am doing great and that and A vs a B isn't really going to make much difference once I get a diploma.  Though, it's hard to not want perfection in everything I do.  I think that is why I struggle so much, I try to be perfect. And struggling to be perfect makes me feel like a complete failure.

Thankfully I have an amazing husband that takes the time to remind me that my perfection today won't matter tomorrow.  It is not going to be the number grade I got in my classes, not even how clean my house is, that is going to matter in 10 years.  What is going to matter is the time I took to enjoy life with my kids, my husband and the fact that I complete school at all!  I don't have to have a perfect 4.0, no matter how badly I want it. 

Due to my husband telling me, and now this book basically telling me the same thing, I am taking the time to slow down and enjoy life.  I don't want to miss these times with my kids because I will never get them back.  I want to take advantage of the playing and laughter rather than looking back with regret later in their lives.  I want to raise amazing young men, no just tame boys and shoo them into the world.  So, it's time for me to stop trying for perfection in my class and try to make perfect memories with my family.


Life isn't a race.  Slow down, enjoy it and don't miss out on the memories that could have been made while you were too busy.