AH!!! My marriage!

I love it when I get inspired!!!  There is a "game" going around facebook; people post a number of facts about their marriage and if you "like" their status, they give you a number for you to post facts about your marriage.  It recently took part in this and realized just how amazing my marriage is!!!  And after talking to a friend about it, I am even more amazed at how awesome my husband and I are together!!!

Our story starts in a bar.  I was married and he had just gotten divorced.  Heck, the first nine months of us knowing each other consisted of lots of alcohol and parties... and sex.  It was one hot mess of a relationship, if you even want to call it that.  People even told us we were doomed, and honestly, we were.  How could a relationship work when it started on such terms?  Good, solid marriages begin on a strong foundation of friendship, not alcohol and sex. 

Add to it that we had children very quickly.  Less than nine months after meeting each other I got pregnant.  We weren't married yet, but here comes a baby.  So, of course marriage quickly followed.  Now add that I was unemployed and our bills definitely outweighed our income.  He had to sell his house and we were living paycheck to paycheck for quite a while. 

Then, a move to another country with 2 babies.  I became depressed and started "acting out".  The stresses of living overseas, not being able to see family and just feeling so alone began to eat at me.  Then, just when we think things are good, I get to go see family and BOOM... Satan attacks and wins.  Whew...

I wanted to leave the marriage... 2 kids just weren't enough to make me stay in it.  I wanted to be back in Florida and was willing to lose my marriage for that.  Then, I had an affair.  Yep, I did.  Hey, what did it matter, I was leaving the marriage anyway so it wasn't like I was pretending to be a good wife and doing it... at least, that was my rational. Though, even that didn't end us.  We still came back together.

Now... things were getting better (at least I thought they were).  I was pregnant with our third child and we were finally getting back to our normal!  My hormones were a little out of whack during the pregnancy, but otherwise I thought things were pretty swell!

And little issues here and there came up but for the most part, things were going GREAT!!!  I had finally gotten to a place I felt like I was in control of my issues and I was being open and honest with Fil about EVERYTHING!  Even when I thought he might get mad, I told him when I was struggling or having an issue.  I stopped letting my own crap get in the way of us being happy together!

Then, just as I really thought things were perfect, I got raped and became pregnant.  Now, definitely the thing that was going to end us happened.  Our marriage was certainly over now.  And it wasn't even something I did, or he did, by choice.  It was stupidity on my part, definitely, but I was going to lose my marriage after everything else because someone took advantage of my stupidity.  Wonderful.

And for a while, I did believe we were over.  He didn't like me, he was disgusted by me.  And really, I didn't blame him.  I hated it, but I couldn't fault him for feeling that way.  It just hurt.  But slowly, we began to get better.  Little by little that dislike and disgust faded.  We were finally more than just roommates, we were becoming friends again.  Then, lovers again.  And before I knew it, we were doing better than we'd ever done before.

Then, BOOM... I find out some things that he had kept from me...

Haven't we been through enough?  That was all I could think.  And for a few days, I just wanted to leave, to give up.  It seemed like it would be so much easier to just walk away and stop hurting than to face all of our issues AGAIN and keep going... but... I couldn't leave.  There is just something about this man that made me stay.

And now... here we are... FINALLY.  After all those struggles and trials.  After our marriage has been put through the ringer.  After we've both messed up and hurt each other.  After we both woke up and realized how important we are to each other.  And we are seriously much stronger than I ever imagined we could be.

He is seriously my best friend, and he says I am his only friend.  Is it perfect, No.  But I don't think we'd be as close and strong if things were perfect.  Our imperfections have caused us to bond and build stronger together.  We've weathered storms that have sank other relationships.  We have seriously stayed together through things that would tear the strongest of couples apart, and at a time we weren't all that strong to begin with.

But how?  How did we get through all of that and still come out loving each other?  How did we manage to stay in a relationship when so much hurt happened on an already faulty foundation of a relationship?  Well, GOD!  God is the ONLY reason.  Yes, we fought for it, but we fought for it with God.  If we hadn't turned to God in those times, things would have only gotten worse, and it would have ended us.  But I am so thankful for God being there and taking control, even after we both pushed him out for so long.

People think that him staying is because he is too weak to leave and that raising Jonathen is the stupidest thing he's ever done.  Some say he deserves better than me and that he would probably be happier without me.  And some people still think that we are doomed and it's only a matter of time before we fall apart, though it's probably more wishful thinking.

Well, keep wishing or find a new wish.  I can't say whether or not he'd be happier without me.  I'd like to think he wouldn't be, but I don't know that.  However, I would have the kids and I know that he definitely would NOT be happier without his kids.  So, for anyone who thinks that obviously doesn't know him well, because they would know he would be miserable without his boys. 

And he does deserve better than me.  I admit that.  I have faults, I have done crappy things and I didn't deserve his forgiveness. But he deserves a woman who, even with her faults, fights for him.  I do that.  He deserves a woman who loves him.  I love him more than I can put into words.  He deserves a woman who will do what she can to make him happy.  I haven't always been THAT person, but I now live to make him happy.  He deserves better, but I am trying to be the woman that deserves him.

As far as him being weak and stupid for not leaving and raising Jonathen - all I can say is people that believe that obviously do not know the strength it takes to work through the things we've worked through.  Fil is far from weak, he is the strongest man I've ever met.  And raising Jonathen is one of the kindest, most selfless things a person could do.  It may seem stupid to people who don't understand, but Fil made a decision that not everyone would be able to do.  And it really speaks to the love he has in him, as well as speaks to how powerful and might God is when we allow His work in us!

I was blessed the moment Fil entered my life.  I want to spend the rest of my life being the wife God called me to be, to the man that God obviously made just for me!  We may not have had the easiest first few years but I know that the trials have made us stronger and closer!  And 40 years from now, I really hope that people see us together and ask HOW we made it.  I want to be that gross old couple that make people vomit because we love each other so much!  And I know that we can be!!!  And to me, that is worth every trial and worth all the doubt people have in us!!!