That Moment, LOVE.

Last night at dinner I was asked about the moment that I knew I was in love with Filip.  And honestly, my answer surprised even me.  Without thinking about it, I could say that it was love at first sight or make up any number of "magical" moments when I felt THAT moment.  However, most of it would be romantic dreaming and exaggerating the feelings I didn't have. 

When we met, we clicked immediately.  It felt as if I had known him for years.  We got a long well and the chemistry was intense.  We immediately liked each other, well, at least I liked him.  Though, being honest, most of that was sexual.  I was at a time in my life that I didn't even love myself, how could I have possibly loved him?  But, I sure thought I was in love. 

As time progressed and we spent more and more time together, I grew to like him a lot.  So much so that I honestly thought I loved him.  So, when I got pregnant, it wasn't the worst thing life had ever happened to me.  Though, I was upset because I never had any intention of spending my life with him.  I still planned to move back to Florida, because I just wasn't all-in for a relationship with him.  But, the pregnancy changed a lot of things, and it made me want to give a relationship with him a chance.

It wasn't long before we got married.  I would have considered marrying him if I hadn't been pregnant, though I can't honestly say for sure if I would have.  I fooled myself into believing it must be love if I would even think about it.  So, I was a newlywed woman, pregnant and acting as if I was with the love of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I did have love for him, but I definitely was not IN love with him.  We really were just good friends, as far as I was concerned.

I thought that having kids would make my feelings deeper.  Though, after our second child I quickly realized that I was very wrong.  I didn't love him any more than before just because I had kids with him.  I was actually feeling further away from him.  I felt as if we were growing apart because of the kids.  And I believe that these feelings, the lack of true love and feeling like we were growing apart, was what led me to be a foolish idiot.

A separation, an affair and thousands of miles now separated our marriage.  I wanted to end it.  I just couldn't imagine continuing life with a man I didn't have those feelings for.  However, the man I had the affair with reminded me of all the jerks that I went through.  Not all the guys I knew/dated were jerks, but the majority were, especially this guy.  He reminded me of how truly amazing Filip was.  Oh no.  What had I done?  I was about to lose the one thing that was ever really good in my life.  Though, I still wasn't sure if I really loved Filip or if it was the love of an idea. 

Well, after I confessed my affair, I knew it was over.  My heart sank and I was completely prepared for the end of my marriage.  And honestly, I think part of me wanted it as the "easy" way out of everything I was feeling.  But God, and Filip, apparently had other plans.

Filip told me he had to go to Paris for a training thing.  He had mentioned it once before, so it wasn't something I really questioned.  So, preparing for a week of not hearing from him and now having to worry about to real state of our marriage, I talked myself into looking forward to divorced life.  Man, what a mess it was.

A few nights later my phone rings.  It's Filip.  I was about to scream at him for making an international call like that because it was going to be insanely expensive using his phone in a different country.  But, before I could say much, he told me to look outside.  He was there.  He showed up at my friends house to surprise me.  I was excited, nervous and worried about what this could possibly mean.

To my surprise, though, he was there to take me home with him.  I still remember the speech he gave me.  First, a few things are important to know... I LOVE dolphins, prefer gold over silver and my wedding ring had been broken for 2 years and I hadn't worn it for about that long.  I had also decided that I needed to turn my life over to God, FOR REAL this time, so I was going to attempt a new path.

So... first I got a rose.  With the rose came a box.  The box held a necklace with a charm of two dolphins, one gold and one silver, that came together and made a heart.  Filip said that it symbolized how two completely different people can come together and create love.

Then another box.  In this box was another necklace, with a cross charm.  He said that this was to symbolize the new found faith I had.  He also got himself a similar one, so that we both had this new faith.

Third was another box.  This one held my ring.  He had gotten it fixed before arriving.  He said that the ring was a symbol of how anything that is broken can be fixed and made new. 

And there is was... THAT MOMENT... The moment I knew, 200%, without a doubt, with every fiber of my being, that I not only loved the man standing there, but that I was completely and utterly IN LOVE with him.

So, when he held out the ring and asked me to marry him again, I didn't hesitate in saying yes!  Because it was there.  It was really there.  A feeling that I had never felt before, not ever.  I was finally feeling something that was unlike anything I've ever felt, and seeing this man I'd lived with for years in a completely new light.  It was an amazing experience, and one I will remember forever.

So, when I thought about the question of when I KNEW that I was in love, it kinda surprised me that it was over 4 years into our marriage.  Though, at the same time, it didn't really surprise me.  For a long time I didn't even love myself.  It took me years to truly find the love for myself that was needed to be able to love others.  Though, that only came from God. 

Honestly, I didn't mean for this to turn that way, but it was only because of God and deciding to truly go on blind faith for God that enabled me to love myself, and anyone else.  It was when I asked God to lead the way that I woke up to those new feelings.  It wasn't until His light was in my heart that I knew what true love really felt like.  It was because of His love that I was open to the love of others, and able to truly share my love with others.  I owe all the glory to God.  I owe my happy marriage, the love for my husband and the love for myself only to God!!!