As a mom and wife, I am constantly hearing "advice" from other people about how to parent my children or on my marriage. Now, there are times I seek advice from people. Either because they have older kids or I know they have gone through similar things or because they are simply someone I trust to give me Godly parenting/marriage advice. Though, there are times I get advice when it's not asked for, and by people with no children or who have never been married. Though, this really goes for any kind of advice. People who have never been divorced giving divorce advice, someone who has never been in the military giving advice about military service... whatever the case is, it bothers me when people give unsolicited advice just because they think they know better than me.
Why does it bother me? Well, first I didn't ask for it. If I need help, or if I feel inadequate in a specific area of parenting or life, I will reach out to someone I trust for what I need. If I did not ask you for the advice, there is likely a reason for that. Mostly it's probably just because I do not need the help. I am definitely not a pro at this but I know myself, my family and the needs of my family better than anyone else does.
Now, getting advice from someone who doesn't have kids REALLY bugs me. Mainly because they don't have kids. How can they seriously give me parenting advice if they don't have parenting experience. And I am sorry, but younger siblings and babysitting does NOT count for experience. I used to babysit A LOT and it is vastly different than having my own children. So, when someone who has no real clue tries to tell me how to parent my children, I do get very frustrated. The kids I babysat were given back to their parents after a few hours. Yes, I spent a great deal of time around small kids as a teenager, but nothing ever equated to being an actual parent. I can't depend on another person to take over responsibility of my kids. Even younger siblings do not give you a full sense of parenting because there is a parent that cares for them (unless the parent is really just that useless). Until your life, 24/7, revolves around the care, concern and welfare of a child that has no one else that takes care of at least 50% of their care, you do NOT know what it's like to be a parent and should not be giving unsolicited advice to people who are parents.
I always told myself I wouldn't be like my mom. I would choose the punishments she chose, I wouldn't yell at my kids, I won't spank my kids, I won't ever do anything that my mom did to me. Not ever. I had the idea of the kind of parent I would be, what punishments I would use and how I would treat my kids. Ha. My "idea" is far from what my reality is. I do spank, rarely but it happens. I yell from time to time. I even say the exact same phrases my mom used to use. So, when I punish my kids, I don't want advice from someone who doesn't have kids about how bad that punishment is or how stupid it may be. I have to decide punishments based on the behavior, the current situation and other factors that people may not know about in the moment. I wish I had the time to come up with awesome and creative punishments, but sometimes life just doesn't allow for that. Sometimes I have to think quick on my feet and still keep moving. That means some punishments will be simple while others are more harsh. I will likely use punishments others think are stupid or too easy/too mean. But, until you are the one raising my kids or unless I come asking specific advice, please don't critique what I choose to do as a parent... Whether it is punishment, rewards or whatever. I have actually been told once that I should not reward my kids a certain way. Why not? They are my kids. They deserved a reward. What is wrong with what I chose? The way I see it is... if I am not doing anything illegal or harmful, what is so wrong with my choice of rewards? If I am harming them, please do call me on that. But, unless you think my kids are in danger from what I am doing, then is what I am doing really all that bad?
The same with getting advice on my marriage from someone who has never been married. Marriage is far different from dating or simply living together, and anyone who argues this point definitely doesn't get it enough to give advice anyway. Yes, a lot of aspects are the same but marriage IS different and should definitely be treated differently than dating. When you are just dating a person, when things go wrong it can be easy to just end things and walk away from it. There is no reason to really fight for the relationship, unless you want to. Same as living together. Yes, you care for each other and probably don't "want" to end it, but it's much easier to walk away. However, marriage is very different. Marriage is when you vow your life to another person, when you vow that death would be the only thing that will separate you. The first time I took vows, I treated them like they were just another sentence. However, I am not that same girl and I now take those vows very seriously. So, hearing advice to just end it simply because we hit a rough patch in our relationship, and from someone who has never been married, infuriates me. I am not a perfect wife, and I do not have the perfect husband... and there are times we get irritated with each other... we've both made some pretty huge mistakes in our marriage... we've both hit points of wanting to end it... we've been through some really rough things... but walking away is too easy. Walking away is the weaker choice. Walking away just isn't what we should do. We should fight for our marriage. It isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be. I love him and I am pretty sure he loves me. That is what matters!
Ok, I think I am done with that bit of a rant... But really. I will ask for advice if I need it. And you will know when I am asking because I will specifically state that I need advice. I know I need help once in a while, so I do ask for it. Please just wait patiently until that happens!
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