Welcome!!!

Welcome to my blog. I try to be honest, a complete open book. I talk about things that many would hide. I feel God has called me to do so, to hopefully reach other people who need it!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Eye yi yi

Well, poor Adrien and I have been sick for a week now. Just haven't seemed to have any relief. So when Adrien's eyes started to pus, I honestly thought he may just have such a bad sinus infection that it was causing that to happen. Nope. He has pink eye.

Today was the first experience with an off-base doctor. I didn't get to go because I wasn't able to locate my ID, but Filip took him and said it was great. Filip isn't one to care for any kind of doctor visit, especially with the kids, so him saying that is amazing. He said the whole thing was super quick and that he really liked the doctor they saw. Makes me want to make sure we continue to go off base from now on.

Plus, Adrien has a tendency to freak out with doctors. He isn't a fan, which what child is? Though, he REALLY just doesn't want any of the doctors we've seen here to touch him. I think Adrien is a little more picky about people than most kids, but when he likes a doctor, it's rare and should be deemed a good thing.

As for now, eye drops and nasal spray. Hopefully this will all clear up soon and we can get on with our lives. The weather today was FANTASTIC and I am sad I didn't get to enjoy it with my boys. So ready for no more illness and just good times outdoors!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Questions

Life in Germany isn't easy or for the faint at heart. While it can be an amazing experience for most, it can also be a horrifying experience for others. Being in a foreign country, away from family and close friends and sometimes starting or expanding families so far from home can be scary.

I for one feel half and half of it all. While I think living here is a once in a lifetime opportunity that should be taken advantage of, I still have a really hard time being so far from those I love. Honestly, the last two years have seemed to drag, making it feel like I've been here for five already.

We haven't done a whole lot of traveling, which I am sure is part of the reason I find it so blah and not completely happy. We are going to start planning more trips but it is hard with 2 small children and a baby on the way. Most tours and areas aren't necessarily child/stroller friendly and it makes the traveling a little difficult.

Missing family and friends is hard for me. I have met a lot of really nice people here but I don't know that I have too many I'd actually call real friends. They are nice, we get along but there isn't much time being spent hanging out. Between the colds that get passed around, husbands getting deployed and sent on TDY's, its hard to get people together. That, and those of us with small children find it more difficult, and more expensive, to get out than those who's children are in school or grown.

I do also hate that my family doesn't get to see my boys that often. Not having them around and knowing that the kids are missing out on having that closeness that I had as a child makes me sad. That causes a lot of grief for me, along with the fact that all my close friends who have small children and we aren't around them either. The boys seem to get along very well with my friends children and I'd love for us all to be closer.

Though, Filip's family is who'd I'd love to be close to. His family does have more children (since mine are technically the only kids of the family I am close to), all of which the boys seemed to bond with on our last trip to see them. Darien says that one of his cousins, Dominic, is also his best friend. He just loved him to pieces. I just wish we were closer to them and that the kids got to grow up knowing their cousins and other family.

Over the last two years, being in Germany has raised a lot of questions for me. Am I cut out for this lifestyle? Do I love Filip enough to continue living in unknown parts of the world and constantly being separated from family? Am I a strong enough person to still be mentally stable at the end of this assignment, or the end of his career??? Questions that do make a marriage hard and can sometimes end it. But, based on people I know and have talked with, this seems to be a normal part of being a spouse, especially a military spouse. We all wonder at times if we are "cut out" for this, but then we look at our husbands and realize that YES, we can get through this because they are there with us.

I may have questions at times, especially when the homesick kicks in, but I know that no matter how difficult living here may be, when it's all over I have a story to tell that many others will never have! I get to live my life with a man who has stood by me, every up and every down and never looked at me any differently than he did the day he married me. No matter my faults or short comings, he comes home to me every night to tell me he loves me and I know that I have his entire heart and body for the rest of my life!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want all military spouses to understand that having these questions is normal. It's a normal part of marriage and especially military relationships. It just depends on how you answer the questions and what you do with them that determines their importance. I choose to answer them by saying my marriage is more important than the other stuff and that while we aren't close to them now, we will be close to family someday. He won't be in the military forever, so it's not like this will be the only thing we do. We just need to soak up what experiences we can while he's in and make the best of the next 10 years.

If you can look at it and answer the questions like that, just keep reminding yourself that it won't last forever. Even those who don't think they are strong can survive these times and make the most of it! Just remember to continually fall in love with your spouse as often and as many times as possible! Keep communicating and never hold your feelings in. Talk about them, to someone. Til next time!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Sick Sick

Being sick sucks... just so everyone knows. It started off with Darien just having a simple cough and has led to me not being able to breath through my nose and feeling like someone has beat my face in. Even the boys haven't had it quite like this, they still seem happy-go-lucky.

Dariens was enough stress on his body, however, to cause him to break out in hives all over his face. At first we believed, as well as the ER doctors, that it was an allergic reaction. Though, after watching for a couple days, I really think it was just his cold causing it, and so does the doctor we saw today.

I, however, feel like a train wreck. Stuffy nose, horrible cough, headaches... just BLAH. You can tell when you come in my house too, it's a horrible wreck. I did some cleaning today just because I was sick of looking at it, but the rest can wait until I feel better.

Even school has taken a backseat to this cold. I am still doing my work, just not with as much effort and dedication. I am still doing pretty well though, so I am okay with it for now. Just ready to feel better and get back to being on top of my game again!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Misplaced Energy

You know, I really do love being pregnant. The only thing I can really wish for now is more energy. This pregnancy has really drained me recently, making simple things like getting dressed seem like too much of a task to accomplish. I've done really good at not staying in pj's all day, everyday, but man it's hard. I just need my energy back.

This week has been fantastic weather here in Germany, with the exception of the really cold, windy day today. The sun has been shining and the weather is comfortable for jeans and a sweater, just nice. I've taken advantage of the nice weather by getting out of the house more than normal. Whether it's going to the park or just driving around the base. It's been too beautiful to be stuck inside.

Unfortunately I missed the Fasching parade trying to see a friend who was flying through here on the way to Turkey. I missed them and the parade, but you know what? At least we got out of the house :) We were outside and in the sun so I can't complain a whole lot. It was nice, perfect weather for the parade.

Today we didn't do much because I wasn't feeling well. I woke up just feeling icky and just couldn't muster up enough energy to do anything. But, this afternoon I managed to find enough energy to get ready and go out to dinner with the squadron for a hail/fairwell dinner. It was nice and definitely glad I made myself go.

We went to the Schnapps Haus. They make their own schnapps and liquors, which are mighty tasty. No, I was not drinking tonight but I've been there and had their liquors before. The schnapps are a bit more than I can handle, at 80 proof, but the liquors have nice flavors and most are drinkable. The food is delicious and for 15 euro, you can't get much better. It's just a nice place for a group to go and have a good meal!

Now just trying to keep enough energy to wait for kiddos to fall asleep so I can do some homework and get myself to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I will find the energy that has been misplaced somewhere :)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

School Update

Whew, I am coming to the end of my fourth college course. While I feel like I have done more, time sure has flown by. That, and the surprise of doing so well has kept me quite interested. I have started to notice more of a slack recently, though I think between being pregnant and icky all the time, I just haven't had the energy or desire to do much.

Even with the slack, I somehow managed to hold a perfect 100% in English Comp 2 for 4 weeks. I am fairly certain that when I get the grade for my writing assignment I will no longer have 100% but just the fact that I kept it up for this long has me quite proud of myself. Especially because I haven't been feeling well and I know I haven't really put in all of my efforts.

So, the fears I had because of how poorly I did in high school have been wiped away for the most part. I need to just put in a little more focus and effort and I know I can be great at this college thing. I am excited to see what my next classes are about and hope that I continue to do a great job.

I, right now, have a 4.0 GPA. I am hoping that this class won't change that, but I am not expecting a great grade on my final paper. It's a research paper and I am not very good when it comes to researching and writing about it. I'm a much better writer when it's personal or something I already have knowledge of.

Holding a 4.0 for longer than one class has been an accomplishment in itself. I will no longer question my ability but know that it's whether or not I give the effort and do the work. Let's just hope I don't lose sight of what I want for my future :)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Military Friendship

Growing up, I was basically surrounded by the same people. I made new friends, but kept a lot of my friends throughout the years. Not saying that all of those friends are still friends of mine today, but for many years I stayed surrounded by the same people. Though, just as with anything else, there is good and bad to having the same group of friends for so long.

With military life, it's exactly the opposite. You make friends for short periods of time and then one of you has to leave. While you may keep in touch, friendships generally fizzle out after not being with each other for so long. It's tough, and there is good and bad to it.

Having been surrounded by the same people most of my teenage years, I found that I got caught up in a lot of things that wouldn't happen now. I mainly hung with the "bad" crowd and did lots of partying and other not so great stuff. But, I had the same people around me all the time, whether they were real friends or not. It was just a comfort zone for me. Knowing who would partake in the parties and who I could be "bad" with was easy. The comfort zone is always nice, but being surrounded by people who weren't true friends and who used me was the downfall. They knew how far they could get and they'd push it to the limit every time. Most of those people haven't been part of my life for years, but the true friends are still around.

Now, I make friends just to say good-bye to them. Whether they leave or I leave, we may have gotten a couple of years or just a few months. It always stinks to say good-bye to the great people I meet. It's hard to do, and doesn't have many upsides, in my opinion. The only upside I see to it is that I get to meet many different kinds of people and will maybe keep in touch with a handful of them. I've made some amazing friendships, but even some of those have begun to fizzle out, those that I haven't seen in a while. I still keep in touch, and have 1 or 2 that I am still VERY close to, but it's just different.

There might be one other good thing about it. Even though (at least in my experience) there is a lot of drama among military spouses, I haven't really dealt with as much drama as I did with the people I had around me for so many years. Maybe I just don't put up with it as much, or maybe because time is so limited people generally don't waste it with drama. I am not really sure, I just know that I haven't had as much to deal with. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of drama with other spouses. It happens, and with women, how could you not expect it? It's just not something that occurs every single day for me, where before, it seemed like every 5 minutes there was new drama among the group of people I associated with.

Pretty soon, in just a couple short weeks, I get to say bye to someone I have grown to admire and consider a good friend. She's been there when I needed help, been there just to hang out and my boys love her boys. It kinda stinks because I feel like we just started becoming friends and now she's leaving. BUT, in the same token, everyone has to move on and she isn't going to another planet. Surely we will keep in touch and hopefully run into each other again sometime down the road.

Whether in the military life or not, friendship is hard. Like any relationship, it takes work and love to blossom and stay alive. Hopefully I will continue to make great friendships and for those that stay part of my life forever, I will be grateful for them! I will be grateful for anyone, all friendships. Because especially with the fact that most are temporary, you truly have to appreciate those people and what they bring to your life, even for just a brief time!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

All that and more!

It's been decided, after really thinking about it and considering all our options, that getting the van now was just the best idea. We've been approved, got a really low rate and have paid off some debt. Why not? We need it, no other reason needed than that.

We will start the paperwork Monday, so hopefully by the end of the week, beginning of next, I will be driving my new wheels! I am super stoked and look forward to picking it up!

Today I am roughly 9wks pregnant and definitely feel like it. I've been so ill the last couple of weeks, and not looking better anytime soon. Smells, looking at food and cooking have been almost impossible to handle. My stomach turns over every little thing and once I feel that way, it doesn't easily go away. Even the medicine I got at my appt isn't helping too awful much.

Because those aren't working, I am going to try investing in some preggy pops. I've never used them before but anyone I know that has, swears by them. Might as well try them. The worst they could really do is make it worse and then I just won't do that to myself again. Hopefully they will help, though, so I can get back to life as normal.

School is still going well! I am currently taking English Comp II. I have managed to keep my 4.0 thus far, and hoping that I don't mess it up with this class. I have to write a 7-8 page research paper and I am not very good at doing research. I could write all day about topics I have knowledge of, but to have to research a topic and write about it, not so easy for me. As of week 2, I do have a 100% in the class, to include my first assignment. Let's hope I can keep it up!

Other than that, life is pretty great! Kids are doing amazingly, hubby is amazing and I am just ecstatic that our family is growing! Now it's time for me to get some sleep!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I LOVE IT!

After experiencing the loss of a child, pregnancy is a blessing. Every part of pregnancy is a blessing, even the annoying, not so fun parts. I am really enjoying being pregnant again, even in the very early stages! The only thing I wish I didn't have to experience this time is nausea. I seem to be nauseous all the time. I have a hard time eating because the smell of food turns my stomach. It's horrible.

I haven't gained any weight as of today, though I think I have lost 3lbs. Mostly that is from reducing my soda intake by A LOT, but also not being able to eat doesn't help any. I try to snack throughout the day on foods that don't have a strong scent, and on things that will fill me up and give me some calories and other vitamins that I may need. That way, when I have to skip a meal because of an uncooperative stomach, I can do so without as much worry that I haven't had enough to keep me and baby healthy.

So far, the most popular question I have been asked is if we want a girl. The answer is Yes. I'd love to have a girl. Though, a happy healthy baby is more than enough, no matter the sex! I have decided that if this baby is a girl, we are done. If it's a boy, we may try 1 more time, but 4 is my absolute limit and it will be a while before I do it again. If this baby is a girl, my husband will be making his appointment to get snipped! Yep, you read that right, he will take on that responsibility since I have birthed his babies!

I am really excited to go through the weeks of pregnancy and enjoy every little milestone! I think I rushed through and didn't notice things with my other pregnancies that I do notice with this one. I also didn't really understand how amazing pregnancy was and complained all through the sickness. I may not care for it, but I am glad I am having symptoms at all and can really tell that this pregnancy is growing and progressing, even if it is making me ill.

I already love my little nugget and can't wait to finally see my baby when we see a dr. Or at least hear the heartbeat! Anywho! here's a photo of my belly... I am only 8 weeks but already showing. I am so tiny I have nowhere to grow but out. and I love it!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

AH! Pregnancy

AH! We are in the apartment and getting settled. Unpacking still isn't done but I am trying not to do too much in one day. I've done about 1 box per day, though only doing small or half packed boxes. I've been feeling quite nauseas and exhausted lately so it's hard to get a lot done. Plus, doing that between still doing normal household chores and cleaning up after 2 very messy little boys.

We have decided that getting another vehicle right now just isn't feasible for us. So as it stands, we are going to keep the truck and car that we have. But when I need to go somewhere, hubby will take the car so that I can have the truck. I just feel better about driving the truck and feel its much more reliable. We are going to work on getting all of our debt paid off this year so that next year we can get a new vehicle and end up paying less interest because our credit will look much better. It's not bad now, but will be great once we get some of this debt taken care of.

Other than that, it's been life as normal, with the pregnancy symptoms of course. I do love being pregnant but the nausea could go. I start to feel it around 10-11pm and it lasts through 2-3am. Mostly keeping me awake, even when I am not actually throwing up. It's nice that it's happening when everyone is asleep, except the fact it keeps me from getting much sleep.

I have my first appointment next week and I am super excited! I hope they do an ultrasound to make sure it's going as it should because I have been so worried and frightened. After having an ectopic pregnancy, it's definitely a lot more scary to wonder if everything is going to work out as you hope it does. I can say that I have been trying to really take better care of my body this time, cutting back the soda, taking my vitamins and reducing the smoking as I did when I was pregnant with my boys. Drinking more water and trying to get decent amounts of sleep, without over working my body. It's harder than it sounds, but I am doing it and trying to make sure that I am doing what I am supposed to do! I feel good about this pregnancy and don't think I will have any issues, though you never know.

Anyway, it's time for me to try to get some sleep! I will write again soon!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Good ideas aren't always good

So, my bright idea to move has been quite the stressful adventure. The moving itself was pretty relaxed, though we did no packing and no moving of things ourselves, other than the liquids and jewelry that they won't do. We had a pretty good experience with the move, but unpacking in a nightmare. So many boxes and so little space. I feel like we may end up living out of these boxes for months and it's only been a couple days.

We moved on Friday and by Friday night I had 75% of the kitchen unpacked and put away, about 50% of our bedroom, about 50% of the kids' room and all big furniture was set up and in place before we went to bed Friday night. I was quite pleased with how much we accomplished in just a few hours of being in our new home. Now, 4 days later, I feel like if I unpack 1 more box I am going to go insane.

Plus, the amazing landlord we had for 2 years turned into a total nitpick during out final inspection of the house. Now, we knew there were going to be some issues, but some turned into a lot. We got a little more than half our deposit back and have opened an insurance claim. Hopefully all will work out, but who knows. Hopefully we can get the insurance to cover it all so that we can get the rest of our deposit back.

One good thing that has come out of this is that we are getting me a new vehicle! Brand new! I am so excited! With a baby on the way and all that, a newer bigger vehicle is needed. We are getting a van and it had 48 miles on it during my test drive tonight! This will be the newest vehicle I've ever owned! I can't wait til it's mine!

Anywho... there's my update. Hoping to get back to blogging regularly soon! Just busy with unpacking and settling in! Hope everyone has a great week!