A while back, when I first decided to allow God to lead my life, I was asked a question that made me think. It made me question my faith, and honestly, made me lose sight of where I wanted to go. But now, after having more time to think about it and after seeing what God has done in my life, I finally have an answer for myself.
Why would you give up the good things in your life for God? Now some of you may be thinking that God gives us all the good things, and I agree, but consider where this question is coming from. I liked to drink, flirt, and LOVED having attention. I was still a bit wild, fearing that I would miss something if I didn't keep up with other people around me.
So, for me, this question was something that dragged me back down, made me question why I would choose God over all the fun I had in my life. I wasn't ready to let go of that life yet, so the devil grabbed hold and dragged me back down. Before I knew it my marriage was about to end (what I thought I wanted), I was again seeking attention elsewhere and then SMACK. I woke up. Well, I was actually asleep, but the dream I had was exactly what I needed.
- I had teenage boys, both being popular and girl crazy. They come home from school with a girl, fighting over her. She had been flirting with them both, they both liked her but couldn't agree on who would get to "hang out" with her. So, Mom to the rescue. I asked them if they loved each other, to which they of course answered "Yes". So I explained to them that when you truly love someone, you should be willing to give up something you want to keep something you need. They looked at each other, nodded in agreement and then kicked her out.
That may not be too telling of a dream for some, but that said a lot to me. And reminded me that I may want certain things right now but what I NEED is God. So, I prayed. Apologizing for my actions and turning my back on him, and asking for his help in getting my life back in order. First thing, my marriage.
Obviously everything has worked out, that was 3 years ago. My marriage is going wonderfully and my walk with Christ continues. I've had a rough past, one that I am not proud of anymore, but I am growing and learning about how to be a better person than I was. Taking God's word and understanding that he gave up his life (something I am sure he would have liked to keep) for me, so I can give up the things I think I want now and let him guide me to the things I need!
I still get judged for my past. By people who knew me and by people who find out. That is okay. I wasn't a good person and I can understand why it would take someone time to trust who I am trying to become. It happens. But I rest assured knowing that God has forgiven me and has a plan. Whether his plan is to use my past to help someone else, or whether it is just to make me that much more obedient because I've been at the worst, I am ready to find out!
His blessings are many if you allow him to bless you! He can change your life if you let him. I did, will you?
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Our Home School Venture!
Being a military family, we move around. There is really no guarantee how many (or how few) times we could move between now and the end of my husband's career. This alone puts strain on our children's education. Going from state to state, country to country, school to school. Each state has their own standards, each school having their own sets of standards. No two states are alike, making our moves more difficult to ensure a stable, and optimal, education for our children.
Add to that all of the scary things happening in schools today, kids getting in trouble for normal child development actions and the testing that does absolutely no good for any child, I do not feel that education benefits the future for our children. It only helps them take a test, to show the government who can and can't test well.
For these reasons, I decided to start home schooling the boys. They deserve to learn at their pace, with more focused help and not only taught what they test on. They shouldn't be limited in their development and they definitely shouldn't be punished for being normal.
Home schooling them isn't going to be easy. I will have to teach them things I may not even know. I will have to make them focus on days they don't want to work. I will have to come up with learning activities to make things fun, because learning should be fun. All this while trying to also entertain a toddler and a baby.
I am excited, though scared, of this venture. I do believe it will be rewarding for all of us in the long run, though. I look forward to teaching them, learning WITH them and being there through every stage of their development!
I love my children, this is just another way for me to prove that! I hope to share this venture with our friends and family as we move through it!
Our start is simple. We just arrived at our new home, so we are beginning slow. I got some workbooks for their grade level and will work on that with them to finish out this school year. We will take the summer off, just like normal school. Then, we will begin again in late August. I will post pictures and stories of how things go during our experiences! I'm excited!!!
Add to that all of the scary things happening in schools today, kids getting in trouble for normal child development actions and the testing that does absolutely no good for any child, I do not feel that education benefits the future for our children. It only helps them take a test, to show the government who can and can't test well.
For these reasons, I decided to start home schooling the boys. They deserve to learn at their pace, with more focused help and not only taught what they test on. They shouldn't be limited in their development and they definitely shouldn't be punished for being normal.
Home schooling them isn't going to be easy. I will have to teach them things I may not even know. I will have to make them focus on days they don't want to work. I will have to come up with learning activities to make things fun, because learning should be fun. All this while trying to also entertain a toddler and a baby.
I am excited, though scared, of this venture. I do believe it will be rewarding for all of us in the long run, though. I look forward to teaching them, learning WITH them and being there through every stage of their development!
I love my children, this is just another way for me to prove that! I hope to share this venture with our friends and family as we move through it!
Our start is simple. We just arrived at our new home, so we are beginning slow. I got some workbooks for their grade level and will work on that with them to finish out this school year. We will take the summer off, just like normal school. Then, we will begin again in late August. I will post pictures and stories of how things go during our experiences! I'm excited!!!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
How Rape Changed Our Lives
Fear, anger, resentment, humiliation, defeat, depression. Those are just a few of the emotions I felt, in one whirlwind. Though, I believe almost anyone would have in my position.
There I was, about 5 days late. I had no reason to be late. My husband was out of the country and I had been faithful. Why was I late? A few more days went by. I was overly tired, not feeling well and literally sleeping on tours in Germany that I should have wanted to be awake through. So, at day seven I gave in and took the test. I was fully expecting a negative, there was just absolutely no way I could be pregnant. But...
I was. The test confirmed it.
A few weeks earlier I had gone out with a friend. A very trusted friend that was basically part of the family, someone I trusted with my life. I had some drinks and blacked out. When I woke up the next morning, I suspected something happened but I ignored my gut, mostly. I did talk to the doctor and got Plan B, but I still really didn't believe my gut. I just thought maybe if I took the pills, I would feel better about it and forget about it.
Well, apparently Plan B didn't work. I was pregnant. There was the proof, the proof that my gut was right. The proof that I trusted a person that abused that trust, our friendship and my vulnerability. But... How do I not remember? How did it happen? Did he think I wanted it? Was I passed out? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? That was all I could think about. Well, along with the thoughts that my marriage was surely over now.
My head was an absolute mess. You know those shows and movies on TV with the people who have severe mental disorders? That is exactly how I felt; like those shows and movies make the crazy people appear.
The first thing I did was cry, scream and scare the heck out of my kids and two of my closest friends. Once I settled down, I immediately began researching abortions. I lived in Germany at the time and I had no clue how or where to get an abortion there. But I was sure on a mission to find out. The first contact information I could find was for a pregnancy crisis center, so I called it. All I wanted was to know where I needed to go to get an abortion done. That's it. Well, that wasn't the purpose of this center. Their purpose was to educate and counsel women on options other than abortion, to hopefully change their minds with the word of God.
Hah. I didn't want to hear any of it. I just wanted an abortion. I told them what I knew about what happened and told them that I wanted to abort. I was told that if that was what I wanted, they couldn't stop me but did ask if they could pray over and for me and at least talk with me more about it. I agreed. Because come to find out, in Germany, they require counseling before they will preform one. This would count as my counseling. Sure, I can sit through this stuff and get what I need so that I can get that abortion.
Well, almost immediately I felt that heart tug. You know, that one you get when you KNOW you are making a wrong decision. Well, I ignored it and continued on for an abortion. I thought that I could just have the abortion, not tell anyone and no one would ever know. I could have easily hidden it, acted like nothing ever happened. The only thing, I couldn't lie to my husband. He needed to know, he deserved to know. So, I knew I needed to somehow tell him this.
What was I going to tell my husband? Could I not tell him? Could I hide it and lie to him? Should I wait to tell him? Should I tell him right now? HOW DO I TELL HIM THIS??? WILL HE BELIEVE ME?
I don't even remember how I told him, I just did. I don't remember his initial reaction but I do remember him asking me when I was going to get rid of "it". I told him that I was already looking into it and getting the counseling I needed, per German law. It was settled.
The more and more counseling I received, the more I felt that tug on my heart. The more and more I looked at my other three children, the more I felt that tug on my heart. So, I started listening to it, just a little. What if I couldn't abort? What would my husband think? Would he leave me? How would I explain that to people? How would I explain that to my kids? So many new questions.
After asking my husband the "what if" I can't abort, he said that he wouldn't/couldn't force me and would support my decision. He just felt that it was the easier thing to do, to save us all from heartache.
So, after weeks of struggling with the thought of abortion, I chose to continue the pregnancy.
I went through some really rough stuff in the weeks following. I got into regular counseling, to figure out everything. I even wanted to try to remember what exactly happened. Plus, the counselor I had felt I was in extreme need of help and helped me get my husband home.
The scariest part of him coming home was the fear of how he would feel about me once he saw me. Saw me pregnant by another man. Saw me the way I was. I was terrified. He already blamed me, and who could blame him. Who could really blame him for questioning if he could believe me? Who could blame him for being angry at me for drinking that night, drinking too much apparently. I sure can't {even today} blame him for those feelings.
The first few days of him being home were awkward. He didn't want to touch me, look at me, nothing. I was cold between us, ice cold. I knew it, I'd lost him. It was the hardest thing, feeling so disgusting to the man I loved, feeling like I was his burden or feeling like at any moment he would be asking me to get out. I felt disgusting, and like I didn't even deserve to even be there with him.
As time went on, I continued to pray. Had others praying. Trying to trust God. I was looking at families to adopt my baby. I thought that adoption was a great idea. I had three families that I liked. One in Germany, one in Florida and one in Georgia. All three families were great, though each had their own drawbacks that made things tough for me. I wanted to leave Germany early, making adopting to a family there a lot harder. The couple in Florida were amazing but I don't think I would have had support from everyone I needed support from. And the family in Georgia, well, they were really the ones I prayed would adopt my baby. I really just felt they would offer my child the best home while still allowing me some part in their lives. So, we all kept praying.
Things slowly started getting better between my husband and I. We even became intimate again, which was a huge step for us both. I started to look pregnant, but he didn't seem to be phased by that. He loved me again, and it was slowly becoming wonderful.
My OB appointments started getting harder and harder. The first appointment I broke down and cried when I saw the ultrasound and heard the heart beat. So each time, hearing the heart beat, it just started to get to me. I started thinking that I wasn't so sure about adoption. This was MY baby. Couldn't I just keep him?
I brought up the question to my husband. Well, saying that he wasn't too thrilled is an understatement. He didn't understand why I would want to keep him, why I would want that constant reminder. Honestly, though, I didn't understand it either. But, this was my 5th pregnancy. I had 3 children already and had an ectopic pregnancy a couple years prior. I knew what pregnancy and the birthing process entailed. I knew that bond that forms between mother and child. But I also knew loss of a child.
I also questioned what we would tell our kids when they wonder where the baby in mommy's tummy went. What we would tell this child if he came to find us? Just all that what if questions. My husband even told me that he wasn't sure he could stay with me if I chose to keep the baby. And again, who could blame him?
So, again, for WEEKS, I struggled with this decision. However, with prayer and really, REALLY trying to see God's plan for my life, I chose to keep my child! I did so knowing that I was risking my marriage, but I also did so firmly believing that God had his plans and that I was only following his plan for me. I was a little scared but I believed that God was there, guiding me, and would make sure everything was how it should be!
Things in our marriage continued to get better. The couple I considered for adoption in Germany found out they were expecting their own baby. The couple in Florida ended up adopting before I even gave birth and the family in Georgia still had a foster baby in their care. All of that proves, to me anyway, that I made the right choice! Everything was as it should be.
Then it came time to have my baby. I was SCARED TO DEATH. I was scared that I wouldn't love him, scared that things would be different for him, scared that my husband would reject him. I chose to do a medication free labor. And after a stressful pregnancy (I was on bed rest at 31 weeks on due to chronic placenta abruption), it was the best choice! I did have to get induced, though, so pitocin was the only stuff I got. I had 1 shot of fentanyl at the very end, just enough so that I didn't care about the pain anymore, because it was surely painful. But I was proud, a very short time after they broke my water, Jonathen was born. And this mama was in love!
Jonathen is a blessing. My husband and I have worked through a lot the last year, been through a lot and come out stronger. We still don't have a perfect marriage but we definitely have love! This situation tested us, tested us in ways I would never wish on any relationship. But because we trusted God, let Him lead us, we have reaped the benefits of it! We have an amazing family, love that makes other people sick sometimes and a friendship that I've never had before.
I do thank God every day, for every lessons I've learned and every blessing that came from this. Our lives have changed dramatically. Our family is stronger, our love and friendship is and I think we both have a new appreciation for God and for each other. If this story can be used to help just one person, I think it was all worth it.
There I was, about 5 days late. I had no reason to be late. My husband was out of the country and I had been faithful. Why was I late? A few more days went by. I was overly tired, not feeling well and literally sleeping on tours in Germany that I should have wanted to be awake through. So, at day seven I gave in and took the test. I was fully expecting a negative, there was just absolutely no way I could be pregnant. But...
I was. The test confirmed it.
A few weeks earlier I had gone out with a friend. A very trusted friend that was basically part of the family, someone I trusted with my life. I had some drinks and blacked out. When I woke up the next morning, I suspected something happened but I ignored my gut, mostly. I did talk to the doctor and got Plan B, but I still really didn't believe my gut. I just thought maybe if I took the pills, I would feel better about it and forget about it.
Well, apparently Plan B didn't work. I was pregnant. There was the proof, the proof that my gut was right. The proof that I trusted a person that abused that trust, our friendship and my vulnerability. But... How do I not remember? How did it happen? Did he think I wanted it? Was I passed out? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? That was all I could think about. Well, along with the thoughts that my marriage was surely over now.
My head was an absolute mess. You know those shows and movies on TV with the people who have severe mental disorders? That is exactly how I felt; like those shows and movies make the crazy people appear.
The first thing I did was cry, scream and scare the heck out of my kids and two of my closest friends. Once I settled down, I immediately began researching abortions. I lived in Germany at the time and I had no clue how or where to get an abortion there. But I was sure on a mission to find out. The first contact information I could find was for a pregnancy crisis center, so I called it. All I wanted was to know where I needed to go to get an abortion done. That's it. Well, that wasn't the purpose of this center. Their purpose was to educate and counsel women on options other than abortion, to hopefully change their minds with the word of God.
Hah. I didn't want to hear any of it. I just wanted an abortion. I told them what I knew about what happened and told them that I wanted to abort. I was told that if that was what I wanted, they couldn't stop me but did ask if they could pray over and for me and at least talk with me more about it. I agreed. Because come to find out, in Germany, they require counseling before they will preform one. This would count as my counseling. Sure, I can sit through this stuff and get what I need so that I can get that abortion.
Well, almost immediately I felt that heart tug. You know, that one you get when you KNOW you are making a wrong decision. Well, I ignored it and continued on for an abortion. I thought that I could just have the abortion, not tell anyone and no one would ever know. I could have easily hidden it, acted like nothing ever happened. The only thing, I couldn't lie to my husband. He needed to know, he deserved to know. So, I knew I needed to somehow tell him this.
What was I going to tell my husband? Could I not tell him? Could I hide it and lie to him? Should I wait to tell him? Should I tell him right now? HOW DO I TELL HIM THIS??? WILL HE BELIEVE ME?
I don't even remember how I told him, I just did. I don't remember his initial reaction but I do remember him asking me when I was going to get rid of "it". I told him that I was already looking into it and getting the counseling I needed, per German law. It was settled.
The more and more counseling I received, the more I felt that tug on my heart. The more and more I looked at my other three children, the more I felt that tug on my heart. So, I started listening to it, just a little. What if I couldn't abort? What would my husband think? Would he leave me? How would I explain that to people? How would I explain that to my kids? So many new questions.
After asking my husband the "what if" I can't abort, he said that he wouldn't/couldn't force me and would support my decision. He just felt that it was the easier thing to do, to save us all from heartache.
So, after weeks of struggling with the thought of abortion, I chose to continue the pregnancy.
I went through some really rough stuff in the weeks following. I got into regular counseling, to figure out everything. I even wanted to try to remember what exactly happened. Plus, the counselor I had felt I was in extreme need of help and helped me get my husband home.
The scariest part of him coming home was the fear of how he would feel about me once he saw me. Saw me pregnant by another man. Saw me the way I was. I was terrified. He already blamed me, and who could blame him. Who could really blame him for questioning if he could believe me? Who could blame him for being angry at me for drinking that night, drinking too much apparently. I sure can't {even today} blame him for those feelings.
The first few days of him being home were awkward. He didn't want to touch me, look at me, nothing. I was cold between us, ice cold. I knew it, I'd lost him. It was the hardest thing, feeling so disgusting to the man I loved, feeling like I was his burden or feeling like at any moment he would be asking me to get out. I felt disgusting, and like I didn't even deserve to even be there with him.
As time went on, I continued to pray. Had others praying. Trying to trust God. I was looking at families to adopt my baby. I thought that adoption was a great idea. I had three families that I liked. One in Germany, one in Florida and one in Georgia. All three families were great, though each had their own drawbacks that made things tough for me. I wanted to leave Germany early, making adopting to a family there a lot harder. The couple in Florida were amazing but I don't think I would have had support from everyone I needed support from. And the family in Georgia, well, they were really the ones I prayed would adopt my baby. I really just felt they would offer my child the best home while still allowing me some part in their lives. So, we all kept praying.
Things slowly started getting better between my husband and I. We even became intimate again, which was a huge step for us both. I started to look pregnant, but he didn't seem to be phased by that. He loved me again, and it was slowly becoming wonderful.
My OB appointments started getting harder and harder. The first appointment I broke down and cried when I saw the ultrasound and heard the heart beat. So each time, hearing the heart beat, it just started to get to me. I started thinking that I wasn't so sure about adoption. This was MY baby. Couldn't I just keep him?
I brought up the question to my husband. Well, saying that he wasn't too thrilled is an understatement. He didn't understand why I would want to keep him, why I would want that constant reminder. Honestly, though, I didn't understand it either. But, this was my 5th pregnancy. I had 3 children already and had an ectopic pregnancy a couple years prior. I knew what pregnancy and the birthing process entailed. I knew that bond that forms between mother and child. But I also knew loss of a child.
I also questioned what we would tell our kids when they wonder where the baby in mommy's tummy went. What we would tell this child if he came to find us? Just all that what if questions. My husband even told me that he wasn't sure he could stay with me if I chose to keep the baby. And again, who could blame him?
So, again, for WEEKS, I struggled with this decision. However, with prayer and really, REALLY trying to see God's plan for my life, I chose to keep my child! I did so knowing that I was risking my marriage, but I also did so firmly believing that God had his plans and that I was only following his plan for me. I was a little scared but I believed that God was there, guiding me, and would make sure everything was how it should be!
Things in our marriage continued to get better. The couple I considered for adoption in Germany found out they were expecting their own baby. The couple in Florida ended up adopting before I even gave birth and the family in Georgia still had a foster baby in their care. All of that proves, to me anyway, that I made the right choice! Everything was as it should be.
Then it came time to have my baby. I was SCARED TO DEATH. I was scared that I wouldn't love him, scared that things would be different for him, scared that my husband would reject him. I chose to do a medication free labor. And after a stressful pregnancy (I was on bed rest at 31 weeks on due to chronic placenta abruption), it was the best choice! I did have to get induced, though, so pitocin was the only stuff I got. I had 1 shot of fentanyl at the very end, just enough so that I didn't care about the pain anymore, because it was surely painful. But I was proud, a very short time after they broke my water, Jonathen was born. And this mama was in love!
Jonathen is a blessing. My husband and I have worked through a lot the last year, been through a lot and come out stronger. We still don't have a perfect marriage but we definitely have love! This situation tested us, tested us in ways I would never wish on any relationship. But because we trusted God, let Him lead us, we have reaped the benefits of it! We have an amazing family, love that makes other people sick sometimes and a friendship that I've never had before.
I do thank God every day, for every lessons I've learned and every blessing that came from this. Our lives have changed dramatically. Our family is stronger, our love and friendship is and I think we both have a new appreciation for God and for each other. If this story can be used to help just one person, I think it was all worth it.
Friday, April 12, 2013
I am not a rape victim, I am a rape survivor!
Something happened to me last night. I stepped out of my denial and admitted one important thing I had been trying to deny; I was raped. It may not have been the forceful, physically harmful rape that most people believe it to be, but it was still rape.
Society wants people to believe that if a woman dresses a certain way, acts a certain way or drinks alcohol, they deserve what happens to them. Society says that those women bring rape upon themselves, causing it to happen. People are raised to believe that if you go to a bar, drink a couple beers and dance with a guy that you have consented to whatever he wants to do with you. I am here to argue that, with everything I have.
While I agree that girls/women (men too) need to be educated on how to help prevent rape, society should be educated on what consent means and when consent is not valid. For example, a 12 year old does not have the ability to consent, so even if they say Yes, their consent is NOT valid and it is rape. Most states now even view alcohol use as debilitating, making consent invalid.
When I thought of rape, I thought of a woman beaten up and physically forced into it. I thought of someone specifically saying NO and it being ignored. I thought of a child who was to scared not to. I didn't think of a person who was out drinking and couldn't remember anything. I used to always say, and firmly believe, that alcohol was no excuse. I was a part of the society that believed a drunk woman brought it on herself. Boy did my wake-up call come as the hardest smack in my face.
It took me this long, a little over a year, to fully admit {and say} that I was raped. I was raped by someone I knew and was really close friends with. Because of the trust I had in him, I allowed myself to be in a vulnerable situation in which he took full advantage of. I survived it and I refuse to be a victim.
I think that part of why I am finally able to admit it is because I know, without a doubt, that he was fully aware that it would have never happened had I been sober. He KNEW, because I told him I wouldn't, when I was sober. So, because he knew that I wouldn't do it sober, he waited. I don't even know if it was truly intentional or not. I don't truly know if he always had the intention of doing it, all I know is that he did. And now that he has been denying it for a year, I can only believe that it is because he has something to hide, or knew full well that what he did was wrong and intentional.
Not having any memory of it, I believe, has also played some part in not being able to admit it for so long. Even though there is definite proof, it's hard to admit something that you can't even remember happened. I have had flashes of non-visual memories, but nothing that is near enough to really know how things happened. I remember feelings or thoughts, but no actions, no verbal words. Though, some days I feel that I got it easy because I don't remember.
The unfortunate part is that not everyone in my life truly understands rape. Because I do have a sexual past, there are people who don't agree it was rape because I was drunk and [probably] asked for it. They believe that if I was willing, no matter how intoxicated I was, that it justifies him helping himself. I used to agree to this, I honestly did. Now, though, I see that it doesn't matter. I am even at the point now that I don't care if a person strips down and BEGS for it, if they are intoxicated and had specifically said they would never do it while they were still sober, the person commits rape if they take advantage knowing it would never happen any other way, or time.
Admitting this was, and is, the hardest things I've had to do. Though, I am about to delve through the story, posting my most vulnerable time with the world. It's about to get thick. I just want my story out there. Hopefully helping someone out there who may be in a similar situation and just needs to know that someone has been there and has survived.
Society wants people to believe that if a woman dresses a certain way, acts a certain way or drinks alcohol, they deserve what happens to them. Society says that those women bring rape upon themselves, causing it to happen. People are raised to believe that if you go to a bar, drink a couple beers and dance with a guy that you have consented to whatever he wants to do with you. I am here to argue that, with everything I have.
While I agree that girls/women (men too) need to be educated on how to help prevent rape, society should be educated on what consent means and when consent is not valid. For example, a 12 year old does not have the ability to consent, so even if they say Yes, their consent is NOT valid and it is rape. Most states now even view alcohol use as debilitating, making consent invalid.
When I thought of rape, I thought of a woman beaten up and physically forced into it. I thought of someone specifically saying NO and it being ignored. I thought of a child who was to scared not to. I didn't think of a person who was out drinking and couldn't remember anything. I used to always say, and firmly believe, that alcohol was no excuse. I was a part of the society that believed a drunk woman brought it on herself. Boy did my wake-up call come as the hardest smack in my face.
It took me this long, a little over a year, to fully admit {and say} that I was raped. I was raped by someone I knew and was really close friends with. Because of the trust I had in him, I allowed myself to be in a vulnerable situation in which he took full advantage of. I survived it and I refuse to be a victim.
I think that part of why I am finally able to admit it is because I know, without a doubt, that he was fully aware that it would have never happened had I been sober. He KNEW, because I told him I wouldn't, when I was sober. So, because he knew that I wouldn't do it sober, he waited. I don't even know if it was truly intentional or not. I don't truly know if he always had the intention of doing it, all I know is that he did. And now that he has been denying it for a year, I can only believe that it is because he has something to hide, or knew full well that what he did was wrong and intentional.
Not having any memory of it, I believe, has also played some part in not being able to admit it for so long. Even though there is definite proof, it's hard to admit something that you can't even remember happened. I have had flashes of non-visual memories, but nothing that is near enough to really know how things happened. I remember feelings or thoughts, but no actions, no verbal words. Though, some days I feel that I got it easy because I don't remember.
The unfortunate part is that not everyone in my life truly understands rape. Because I do have a sexual past, there are people who don't agree it was rape because I was drunk and [probably] asked for it. They believe that if I was willing, no matter how intoxicated I was, that it justifies him helping himself. I used to agree to this, I honestly did. Now, though, I see that it doesn't matter. I am even at the point now that I don't care if a person strips down and BEGS for it, if they are intoxicated and had specifically said they would never do it while they were still sober, the person commits rape if they take advantage knowing it would never happen any other way, or time.
Admitting this was, and is, the hardest things I've had to do. Though, I am about to delve through the story, posting my most vulnerable time with the world. It's about to get thick. I just want my story out there. Hopefully helping someone out there who may be in a similar situation and just needs to know that someone has been there and has survived.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Freedom in Forgiveness
To forgive is to stop being angry/hurt/resentful over a mistake or flaw, whether in another person or in one's self. Forgiveness is NOT meant to excuse behaviors of others, it is to free YOURSELF from their damaging hold. Forgiveness is not easy, but allows you to feel better and to move on.
After seeing the (above) shared photo on Facebook about forgiveness, I decided to write about it. I am not a forgiveness expert, but I do know a little about it. Over my lifetime I have had to forgive many people, for many different things. Whether it be simply hurting my feelings or a physical hurt, or even indirect things that affected me in one way or another, I had some practice with forgiveness. However, over the last year I have learned way more about forgiveness than I ever needed throughout the rest of my life.
I was assaulted, raped, by a person I trusted. Not just a friend, someone that was treated as part of our family. For months I was angry and hurt. I was angry at him for doing it and hurt that he would do that. I was angry at myself for drinking and putting myself in a situation that allowed it to happen and for not being able to stop it or change it. After some time I was even angry at myself for not having memory of it, not being able to say with 110% certainty what and how it happened... and EXTREMELY ANGRY that I got pregnant from it. (I wasn't even fully aware anything had happened until I found out that I was pregnant... I had suspicions but because I trusted him like I would a family member, I ignored my gut).
I went through so many emotions in those first months, it was unreal. I wanted to just hold on to all of the anger and I wanted to just hate the heck out of him. I wanted revenge, I wanted him to hurt and suffer the way I was hurting and suffering. I just wished him ill, daily, for months. I wanted to not be pregnant, to not have to face my husband, and for it all to just go away. It was a pretty dark few months.
Finally, I did turn it all over to God. I allowed Him to work in my life, rather than allowing my own feelings and regrets continue to cloud my judgements. The first part was forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for drinking, being out and even forgiving myself for trusting him. For weeks I had to wake up and make a conscience decision to forgive myself. To not let my actions continue to hurt me.
Once that was more instinct than conscience decisions, I decided I needed to forgive him as well. He took advantage, not only of my trust but of my inebriated state of mind. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness but I deserve the freedom. So, even to this day, I make the conscience decision, DAILY, to forgive him. It is hard to do, and some days I want to be angry and not forgive him, but I do it anyway. And every day I free myself from the hurt and anger he put in my life!
The other part is Jonathen. Jonathen was a blessing that came out of what happened. I didn't know that right away, but he has definitely been a blessing. So, every day when I look at his face, he gives me one more perfect reason to forgive this man for what he did. Jonathen, and my other children, deserve much better than an angry, resentful mother. So, every day I wake up, forgiving this man, for myself and for my family.
I may not have it down today, but I will someday. And I am become more free with each day that I choose to forgive!
After seeing the (above) shared photo on Facebook about forgiveness, I decided to write about it. I am not a forgiveness expert, but I do know a little about it. Over my lifetime I have had to forgive many people, for many different things. Whether it be simply hurting my feelings or a physical hurt, or even indirect things that affected me in one way or another, I had some practice with forgiveness. However, over the last year I have learned way more about forgiveness than I ever needed throughout the rest of my life.
I was assaulted, raped, by a person I trusted. Not just a friend, someone that was treated as part of our family. For months I was angry and hurt. I was angry at him for doing it and hurt that he would do that. I was angry at myself for drinking and putting myself in a situation that allowed it to happen and for not being able to stop it or change it. After some time I was even angry at myself for not having memory of it, not being able to say with 110% certainty what and how it happened... and EXTREMELY ANGRY that I got pregnant from it. (I wasn't even fully aware anything had happened until I found out that I was pregnant... I had suspicions but because I trusted him like I would a family member, I ignored my gut).
I went through so many emotions in those first months, it was unreal. I wanted to just hold on to all of the anger and I wanted to just hate the heck out of him. I wanted revenge, I wanted him to hurt and suffer the way I was hurting and suffering. I just wished him ill, daily, for months. I wanted to not be pregnant, to not have to face my husband, and for it all to just go away. It was a pretty dark few months.
Finally, I did turn it all over to God. I allowed Him to work in my life, rather than allowing my own feelings and regrets continue to cloud my judgements. The first part was forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for drinking, being out and even forgiving myself for trusting him. For weeks I had to wake up and make a conscience decision to forgive myself. To not let my actions continue to hurt me.
Once that was more instinct than conscience decisions, I decided I needed to forgive him as well. He took advantage, not only of my trust but of my inebriated state of mind. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness but I deserve the freedom. So, even to this day, I make the conscience decision, DAILY, to forgive him. It is hard to do, and some days I want to be angry and not forgive him, but I do it anyway. And every day I free myself from the hurt and anger he put in my life!
The other part is Jonathen. Jonathen was a blessing that came out of what happened. I didn't know that right away, but he has definitely been a blessing. So, every day when I look at his face, he gives me one more perfect reason to forgive this man for what he did. Jonathen, and my other children, deserve much better than an angry, resentful mother. So, every day I wake up, forgiving this man, for myself and for my family.
I may not have it down today, but I will someday. And I am become more free with each day that I choose to forgive!
To say that the last few weeks have been crazy would be and understatement! All of our belongings packed and taken, moving out of {what had been} our home of two years, sending our vehicles over the ocean on a boat and bringing our kids on a wild and crazy adventure has been what our last few weeks have been all about! Military life, easily bundled under all of that. Though, unless you are military, you will never fully understand or comprehend the full extend of what that entails.
Though, after an interesting family visit and LOTS of driving, we are finally where we will be making a new home for the next couple years. We should be getting most of our belongings back next week! We get the keys to our house on Monday and our household goods delivered Wednesday! I am hoping to get my van tomorrow, though, possibly not until Monday. Fil should have his car next week some time, as well! Our lives should be settling down and getting back to "normal" very soon!
However, a "normal" day for us is changing. Just as the rest has changed, our daily routines and schedules are changing too! I have decided to home school the boys! I am extremely nervous, yet very excited, about this choice! I have always wanted to be a teacher, just not in a formal classroom, so this is PERFECT! Plus, I think more 1-on-1 will be better for them as well! I can't wait to truly get started with it!
I am beyond excited about what is in store for us in this new chapter of our lives! So many changes and a whole new start! I know God is on our side :)
Though, after an interesting family visit and LOTS of driving, we are finally where we will be making a new home for the next couple years. We should be getting most of our belongings back next week! We get the keys to our house on Monday and our household goods delivered Wednesday! I am hoping to get my van tomorrow, though, possibly not until Monday. Fil should have his car next week some time, as well! Our lives should be settling down and getting back to "normal" very soon!
However, a "normal" day for us is changing. Just as the rest has changed, our daily routines and schedules are changing too! I have decided to home school the boys! I am extremely nervous, yet very excited, about this choice! I have always wanted to be a teacher, just not in a formal classroom, so this is PERFECT! Plus, I think more 1-on-1 will be better for them as well! I can't wait to truly get started with it!
I am beyond excited about what is in store for us in this new chapter of our lives! So many changes and a whole new start! I know God is on our side :)
Friday, March 8, 2013
Saying "See ya later"
Military life. For those who live, or have lived it, that's all I have to say. For those who don't live it, understanding is almost impossible. The life has many benefits to it, though it also has some negatives about it. The moving is a benefit and a negative at the same. How is the moving both good and bad? Well, I will tell ya...
GOOD: Get to experience living in different parts of the world you wouldn't otherwise experience. Getting to meet all sorts of different people from all over. Making friends you would have never met if you didn't move. Just the overall experience of everything makes it a good thing.
BAD: Saying bye to friends when it's time to move to the next place. Uprooting children and changing the only life they've ever known. Having to start all over in a place you've never been, don't know and don't have any friends.
So, while we get to have all these different experiences that are wonderful and amazing, starting over and leaving friends is the hardest part of it all. Though, in the military, we never say "goodbye", we say "til we meet again" or "see ya later". The military is too small of a world to say goodbye, we could always meet again! And for some, I would MAKE it happen!
Germany has been quite the experience. I have enjoyed the things we've been able to do and see here that I wouldn't have done on my own! And I am thankful for the friends we have made. However, the 4 years we've been here have been nothing but one headache after the other. I would definitely come back to Germany, or Europe for that matter, to visit and travel, I just never want to live here again. But it is hard to say "see ya later" to people you've grown to love like family. Especially when there is no telling when you will get to see them again.
But, it's time for us to move on, get on to the next phase of our lives. Start new memories in a new place with new friends! And, for that reason, I am ecstatic! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us at the new place!
So, Germany and the friends I've made here, "until we meet again" and "see ya later"!!! We will miss you!
GOOD: Get to experience living in different parts of the world you wouldn't otherwise experience. Getting to meet all sorts of different people from all over. Making friends you would have never met if you didn't move. Just the overall experience of everything makes it a good thing.
BAD: Saying bye to friends when it's time to move to the next place. Uprooting children and changing the only life they've ever known. Having to start all over in a place you've never been, don't know and don't have any friends.
So, while we get to have all these different experiences that are wonderful and amazing, starting over and leaving friends is the hardest part of it all. Though, in the military, we never say "goodbye", we say "til we meet again" or "see ya later". The military is too small of a world to say goodbye, we could always meet again! And for some, I would MAKE it happen!
Germany has been quite the experience. I have enjoyed the things we've been able to do and see here that I wouldn't have done on my own! And I am thankful for the friends we have made. However, the 4 years we've been here have been nothing but one headache after the other. I would definitely come back to Germany, or Europe for that matter, to visit and travel, I just never want to live here again. But it is hard to say "see ya later" to people you've grown to love like family. Especially when there is no telling when you will get to see them again.
But, it's time for us to move on, get on to the next phase of our lives. Start new memories in a new place with new friends! And, for that reason, I am ecstatic! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us at the new place!
So, Germany and the friends I've made here, "until we meet again" and "see ya later"!!! We will miss you!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Goals, not Resolutions!
It's the first day of the year and this is about the time people make a bunch of crazy new years resolutions. A while back I conceded to not making resolutions anymore as I never stuck to anything I said I'd do, or not do. This year is not going to be any different. I am not making resolutions, I am setting goals for myself. Here is what I hope to accomplish in 2013:
1. Continue on my path to Christ, become a better follower!
2. Be a better wife, the wife God intended me to be!
3. Be the best mother I can be!
4. Lose some weight and tone up!
5. Take and do well in at least 5 classes!
I do not want to have unreasonable or unreachable goals. I also do not want to try for more than I can really accomplish, so these 5 are it for now. I think these are reasonable, reachable and realistic for the year! Now, I should probably get to work on the class I am taking so that goal #5 isn't messed up this early :)
1. Continue on my path to Christ, become a better follower!
2. Be a better wife, the wife God intended me to be!
3. Be the best mother I can be!
4. Lose some weight and tone up!
5. Take and do well in at least 5 classes!
I do not want to have unreasonable or unreachable goals. I also do not want to try for more than I can really accomplish, so these 5 are it for now. I think these are reasonable, reachable and realistic for the year! Now, I should probably get to work on the class I am taking so that goal #5 isn't messed up this early :)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Endings and Beginnings
Today is the last day of 2012. Every year I have mixed emotions about the year ending a new one beginning, but not this year. This year I am glad the year is ending and that a new year is beginning, and that we will begin that year with many changes! Though, in order to really get past it all, let me reflect on the year and give some insight to what 2013 has in store!
The Bad: In February my husband took off for his very first deployment. I found out I was pregnant with a child I couldn't even remember conceiving, thus finding out that I had been assaulted (likely by someone we thought of as family). The husband came home from his deployment early due to what happened to me and because I wasn't handling things well. I spent a few months in a severe depression. Had my first surgery, having my appendix removed. Then, the pregnancy was difficult, having chronic placenta abruption, where the placenta separates too soon and spent a week in the hospital on strict bed rest and the rest of the pregnancy supposed to be on bed rest and worried the entire time that I could lose him (and myself) at any time if I wasn't careful.
I had to say bye to my best friend here :-(
The Good: I had friends visit me!!! and we took a couple trips!
Adrien started Preschool!
Darien started Kindergarten
Jonathen joined our family!
I now have 4 amazing little boys to love!
Jorden had his first steak, messy but so cute!
Though the year wasn't all bad, there was enough bad in it that I am glad it's coming to an end. I am thankful for the good and bad that happened, I am just glad to move on from it and start with a new year and with the new beginnings we get! Here's a look at what to expect from our new year!
We have quit smoking so we begin the year as non-smokers! It's been almost 3 weeks for me and almost 4 for Filip! I am so glad we finally decided to quit and we are already seeing the benefits of it! I am tasting things differently, my sense of smell is better and I am sure I smell better to other non-smokers. I am only worried about the weight gain.
We PCS in March!!! We are moving to Illinois, somewhere completely new to all of us! A new adventure for our family with a new set of things to do and see!
We get to visit with all of our family, some friends and enjoy time with them again! I can't wait!
I suspect that 2013 is going to be an amazing year for us! So many new adventures await us and I can't wait to share them!
The Bad: In February my husband took off for his very first deployment. I found out I was pregnant with a child I couldn't even remember conceiving, thus finding out that I had been assaulted (likely by someone we thought of as family). The husband came home from his deployment early due to what happened to me and because I wasn't handling things well. I spent a few months in a severe depression. Had my first surgery, having my appendix removed. Then, the pregnancy was difficult, having chronic placenta abruption, where the placenta separates too soon and spent a week in the hospital on strict bed rest and the rest of the pregnancy supposed to be on bed rest and worried the entire time that I could lose him (and myself) at any time if I wasn't careful.
I had to say bye to my best friend here :-(
The Good: I had friends visit me!!! and we took a couple trips!
Adrien started Preschool!
Darien started Kindergarten
Jonathen joined our family!
I now have 4 amazing little boys to love!
Jorden had his first steak, messy but so cute!
Though the year wasn't all bad, there was enough bad in it that I am glad it's coming to an end. I am thankful for the good and bad that happened, I am just glad to move on from it and start with a new year and with the new beginnings we get! Here's a look at what to expect from our new year!
We have quit smoking so we begin the year as non-smokers! It's been almost 3 weeks for me and almost 4 for Filip! I am so glad we finally decided to quit and we are already seeing the benefits of it! I am tasting things differently, my sense of smell is better and I am sure I smell better to other non-smokers. I am only worried about the weight gain.
We PCS in March!!! We are moving to Illinois, somewhere completely new to all of us! A new adventure for our family with a new set of things to do and see!
We get to visit with all of our family, some friends and enjoy time with them again! I can't wait!
I suspect that 2013 is going to be an amazing year for us! So many new adventures await us and I can't wait to share them!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Gold Medal Mom?
Today I had an appointment, one that I needed to have as part of our clearing to get out of here. We move in March and trying to get everything done so we can get our official orders! Anyway, this appointment was to clear me with the mental health because I was seen there after finding out about being pregnant with Jonathen. I was treated for severe, situational depression and anxiety. I stopped going back in September when I found that my doctor was leaving. I didn't want to start all over with a new doctor and only see them for a short couple of months and end up leaving. So, I had to clear with them and have them sign off on my paperwork. They put me with the doctor I happened to see when I wanted to be put on medication, though she denied it because of the pregnancy and asked that I truly consider whether or not I truly needed the medication.
While I was in there, we went through the last year and just letting this doctor get a good understanding of what was going on and about my history. After some discussion and her looking through my record, it seems that most of my "depression" was during pregnancy and after a pregnancy loss.
Obviously it is expected to have some depression after pregnancy loss, especially when it was a pregnancy we were trying for. Though, I am at a loss as to what happens to me during pregnancy that causes me to be depressed. I realize that hormones are crazy and all sorts of changes, but such severe depression? Weird.
Though, after I have my babies, I seem to bounce back with fury. Even now, 4 weeks (man I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks) after having Jonathen, I feel GREAT! Maybe my honeymoon phase lasts longer than most after having babies, I really do not know. But she commented on how great and happy I look, compared to the last time she saw me.
We talked about the kids and just made small talk while she filled out and signed my papers. She told me how she had 1 son, her only child, and she has no clue how I do it with 4. Not just that I have 4 but that they are all so close in age. I told her that it can get difficult, frustrating and insane at times but that I just do it. There isn't any real "trick" or secret, I just wake up every day and do what I have to do, love my children and start all over each morning. She told me I was strong because her 1 child was rough enough, 4 would have terrified her.
Then we talked about what I do with my spare time. I told her I was taking college course and starting to get ready for the PCS. Plus trying to make time for "girl time" and other adult time that I very much need. She was dumb-founded by that. I thought her mouth was going to hit the floor when I told her I was taking classes. That was when she told me I deserved a gold medal for all that I do and still being able to make time for myself.
Now, I don't feel like I deserve a gold medal. I am not doing anything that other mothers don't do. I wake up, do the best I can for my family and myself and that's it. I am not supermom, I don't go above and beyond, I do what I am capable of to make my family happy and keep them healthy. I feel that the "gold medal" that I get is knowing that my kids are pretty well behaved kids that are doing amazingly in school!
I am very proud of my boys, and proud that I have been able to teach them enough that they are great at school and respect adults! I know a few other moms that DO deserve gold medals, I am just not one of them. But I appreciated the compliment and will continue to love my boys and teach them and keep praying that they will grow up to be happy, healthy, honest, respectful and loving!
While I was in there, we went through the last year and just letting this doctor get a good understanding of what was going on and about my history. After some discussion and her looking through my record, it seems that most of my "depression" was during pregnancy and after a pregnancy loss.
Obviously it is expected to have some depression after pregnancy loss, especially when it was a pregnancy we were trying for. Though, I am at a loss as to what happens to me during pregnancy that causes me to be depressed. I realize that hormones are crazy and all sorts of changes, but such severe depression? Weird.
Though, after I have my babies, I seem to bounce back with fury. Even now, 4 weeks (man I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks) after having Jonathen, I feel GREAT! Maybe my honeymoon phase lasts longer than most after having babies, I really do not know. But she commented on how great and happy I look, compared to the last time she saw me.
We talked about the kids and just made small talk while she filled out and signed my papers. She told me how she had 1 son, her only child, and she has no clue how I do it with 4. Not just that I have 4 but that they are all so close in age. I told her that it can get difficult, frustrating and insane at times but that I just do it. There isn't any real "trick" or secret, I just wake up every day and do what I have to do, love my children and start all over each morning. She told me I was strong because her 1 child was rough enough, 4 would have terrified her.
Then we talked about what I do with my spare time. I told her I was taking college course and starting to get ready for the PCS. Plus trying to make time for "girl time" and other adult time that I very much need. She was dumb-founded by that. I thought her mouth was going to hit the floor when I told her I was taking classes. That was when she told me I deserved a gold medal for all that I do and still being able to make time for myself.
Now, I don't feel like I deserve a gold medal. I am not doing anything that other mothers don't do. I wake up, do the best I can for my family and myself and that's it. I am not supermom, I don't go above and beyond, I do what I am capable of to make my family happy and keep them healthy. I feel that the "gold medal" that I get is knowing that my kids are pretty well behaved kids that are doing amazingly in school!
I am very proud of my boys, and proud that I have been able to teach them enough that they are great at school and respect adults! I know a few other moms that DO deserve gold medals, I am just not one of them. But I appreciated the compliment and will continue to love my boys and teach them and keep praying that they will grow up to be happy, healthy, honest, respectful and loving!
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