Freedom in Forgiveness

To forgive is to stop being angry/hurt/resentful over a mistake or flaw, whether in another person or in one's self.  Forgiveness is NOT meant to excuse behaviors of others, it is to free YOURSELF from their damaging hold.  Forgiveness is not easy, but allows you to feel better and to move on.

After seeing the (above) shared photo on Facebook about forgiveness, I decided to write about it.  I am not a forgiveness expert, but I do know a little about it.  Over my lifetime I have had to forgive many people, for many different things.  Whether it be simply hurting my feelings or a physical hurt, or even indirect things that affected me in one way or another, I had some practice with forgiveness.  However, over the last year I have learned way more about forgiveness than I ever needed throughout the rest of my life.

I was assaulted, raped, by a person I trusted.  Not just a friend, someone that was treated as part of our family.  For months I was angry and hurt.  I was angry at him for doing it and hurt that he would do that.  I was angry at myself for drinking and putting myself in a situation that allowed it to happen and for not being able to stop it or change it.  After some time I was even angry at myself for not having memory of it, not being able to say with 110% certainty what and how it happened... and EXTREMELY ANGRY that I got pregnant from it.  (I wasn't even fully aware anything had happened until I found out that I was pregnant... I had suspicions but because I trusted him like I would a family member, I ignored my gut).

I went through so many emotions in those first months, it was unreal.  I wanted to just hold on to all of the anger and I wanted to just hate the heck out of him.  I wanted revenge, I wanted him to hurt and suffer the way I was hurting and suffering.  I just wished him ill, daily, for months.  I wanted to not be pregnant, to not have to face my husband, and for it all to just go away.  It was a pretty dark few months.

Finally, I did turn it all over to God.  I allowed Him to work in my life, rather than allowing my own feelings and regrets continue to cloud my judgements.  The first part was forgiving myself.  Forgiving myself for drinking, being out and even forgiving myself for trusting him.  For weeks I had to wake up and make a conscience decision to forgive myself.  To not let my actions continue to hurt me.

Once that was more instinct than conscience decisions, I decided I needed to forgive him as well.  He took advantage, not only of my trust but of my inebriated state of mind.  He doesn't deserve my forgiveness but I deserve the freedom.  So, even to this day, I make the conscience decision, DAILY, to forgive him.  It is hard to do, and some days I want to be angry and not forgive him, but I do it anyway.  And every day I free myself from the hurt and anger he put in my life!

The other part is Jonathen.  Jonathen was a blessing that came out of what happened.  I didn't know that right away, but he has definitely been a blessing.  So, every day when I look at his face, he gives me one more perfect reason to forgive this man for what he did.  Jonathen, and my other children, deserve much better than an angry, resentful mother.  So, every day I wake up, forgiving this man, for myself and for my family.

I may not have it down today, but I will someday.  And I am become more free with each day that I choose to forgive!