I am not a rape victim, I am a rape survivor!

Something happened to me last night.  I stepped out of my denial and admitted one important thing I had been trying to deny;  I was raped.  It may not have been the forceful, physically harmful rape that most people believe it to be, but it was still rape.

Society wants people to believe that if a woman dresses a certain way, acts a certain way or drinks alcohol, they deserve what happens to them.  Society says that those women bring rape upon themselves, causing it to happen.  People are raised to believe that if you go to a bar, drink a couple beers and dance with a guy that you have consented to whatever he wants to do with you.  I am here to argue that, with everything I have.

While I agree that girls/women (men too) need to be educated on how to help prevent rape,  society should be educated on what consent means and when consent is not valid.  For example, a 12 year old does not have the ability to consent, so even if they say Yes, their consent is NOT valid and it is rape.  Most states now even view alcohol use as debilitating, making consent invalid.

When I thought of rape, I thought of a woman beaten up and physically forced into it.  I thought of someone specifically saying NO and it being ignored.  I thought of a child who was to scared not to.  I didn't think of a person who was out drinking and couldn't remember anything.  I used to always say, and firmly believe, that alcohol was no excuse.  I was a part of the society that believed a drunk woman brought it on herself.  Boy did my wake-up call come as the hardest smack in my face.

It took me this long, a little over a year, to fully admit {and say} that I was raped.  I was raped by someone I knew and was really close friends with.  Because of the trust I had in him, I allowed myself to be in a vulnerable situation in which he took full advantage of.   I survived it and I refuse to be a victim.

I think that part of why I am finally able to admit it is because I know, without a doubt, that he was fully aware that it would have never happened had I been sober.  He KNEW, because I told him I wouldn't, when I was sober.  So, because he knew that I wouldn't do it sober, he waited.  I don't even know if it was truly intentional or not.  I don't truly know if he always had the intention of doing it, all I know is that he did.  And now that he has been denying it for a year, I can only believe that it is because he has something to hide, or knew full well that what he did was wrong and intentional.

Not having any memory of it, I believe, has also played some part in not being able to admit it for so long.  Even though there is definite proof, it's hard to admit something that you can't even remember happened.  I have had flashes of non-visual memories, but nothing that is near enough to really know how things happened.  I remember feelings or thoughts, but no actions, no verbal words.  Though, some days I feel that I got it easy because I don't remember.

The unfortunate part is that not everyone in my life truly understands rape.  Because I do have a sexual past, there are people who don't agree it was rape because I was drunk and [probably] asked for it.  They believe that if I was willing, no matter how intoxicated I was, that it justifies him helping himself.  I used to agree to this, I honestly did.  Now, though, I see that it doesn't matter.  I am even at the point now that I don't care if a person strips down and BEGS for it, if they are intoxicated and had specifically said they would never do it while they were still sober, the person commits rape if they take advantage knowing it would never happen any other way, or time.

Admitting this was, and is, the hardest things I've had to do.  Though, I am about to delve through the story, posting my most vulnerable time with the world.  It's about to get thick.  I just want my story out there.  Hopefully helping someone out there who may be in a similar situation and just needs to know that someone has been there and has survived.