How Rape Changed Our Lives

Fear, anger, resentment, humiliation, defeat, depression.  Those are just a few of the emotions I felt, in one whirlwind.  Though, I believe almost anyone would have in my position.

There I was, about 5 days late.  I had no reason to be late.  My husband was out of the country and I had been faithful.  Why was I late?  A few more days went by.  I was overly tired, not feeling well and literally sleeping on tours in Germany that I should have wanted to be awake through.  So, at day seven I gave in and took the test.  I was fully expecting a negative, there was just absolutely no way I could be pregnant.  But...

 I was.  The test confirmed it.

A few weeks earlier I had gone out with a friend.  A very trusted friend that was basically part of the family, someone I trusted with my life.  I had some drinks and blacked out.  When I woke up the next morning, I suspected something happened but I ignored my gut, mostly.  I did talk to the doctor and got Plan B, but I still really didn't believe my gut.  I just thought maybe if I took the pills, I would feel better about it and forget about it.

Well, apparently Plan B didn't work.  I was pregnant.  There was the proof, the proof that my gut was right.  The proof that I trusted a person that abused that trust, our friendship and my vulnerability.  But... How do I not remember?  How did it happen?  Did he think I wanted it?  Was I passed out?  WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?  That was all I could think about.  Well, along with the thoughts that my marriage was surely over now.


My head was an absolute mess.  You know those shows and movies on TV with the people who have severe mental disorders?  That is exactly how I felt; like those shows and movies make the crazy people appear.

The first thing I did was cry, scream and scare the heck out of my kids and two of my closest friends.  Once I settled down, I immediately began researching abortions.  I lived in Germany at the time and I had no clue how or where to get an abortion there.  But I was sure on a mission to find out.  The first contact information I could find was for a pregnancy crisis center, so I called it.  All I wanted was to know where I needed to go to get an abortion done.  That's it.  Well, that wasn't the purpose of this center.  Their purpose was to educate and counsel women on options other than abortion, to hopefully change their minds with the word of God.

Hah.  I didn't want to hear any of it.  I just wanted an abortion.  I told them what I knew about what happened and told them that I wanted to abort.  I was told that if that was what I wanted, they couldn't stop me but did ask if they could pray over and for me and at least talk with me more about it.  I agreed.  Because come to find out, in Germany, they require counseling before they will preform one.  This would count as my counseling.  Sure, I can sit through this stuff and get what I need so that I can get that abortion.

Well, almost immediately I felt that heart tug.  You know, that one you get when you KNOW you are making a wrong decision.  Well, I ignored it and continued on for an abortion.  I thought that I could just have the abortion, not tell anyone and no one would ever know.  I could have easily hidden it, acted like nothing ever happened.  The only thing, I couldn't lie to my husband.  He needed to know, he deserved to know.  So, I knew I needed to somehow tell him this.

What was I going to tell my husband?  Could I not tell him?  Could I hide it and lie to him?  Should I wait to tell him?  Should I tell him right now?  HOW DO I TELL HIM THIS???  WILL HE BELIEVE ME?

I don't even remember how I told him, I just did.  I don't remember his initial reaction but I do remember him asking me when I was going to get rid of "it".  I told him that I was already looking into it and getting the counseling I needed, per German law.  It was settled.

The more and more counseling I received, the more I felt that tug on my heart.  The more and more I looked at my other three children, the more I felt that tug on my heart.  So, I started listening to it, just a little.  What if I couldn't abort?  What would my husband think?  Would he leave me?  How would I explain that to people?  How would I explain that to my kids?  So many new questions. 

After asking my husband the "what if" I can't abort, he said that he wouldn't/couldn't force me and would support my decision.  He just felt that it was the easier thing to do, to save us all from heartache.

So, after weeks of struggling with the thought of abortion, I chose to continue the pregnancy.

I went through some really rough stuff in the weeks following.  I got into regular counseling, to figure out everything.  I even wanted to try to remember what exactly happened.  Plus, the counselor I had felt I was in extreme need of help and helped me get my husband home.

The scariest part of him coming home was the fear of how he would feel about me once he saw me.  Saw me pregnant by another man.  Saw me the way I was.  I was terrified.  He already blamed me, and who could blame him.  Who could really blame him for questioning if he could believe me?  Who could blame him for being angry at me for drinking that night, drinking too much apparently.  I sure can't {even today} blame him for those feelings.

The first few days of him being home were awkward.  He didn't want to touch me, look at me, nothing.  I was cold between us, ice cold.  I knew it, I'd lost him.  It was the hardest thing, feeling so disgusting to the man I loved, feeling like I was his burden or feeling like at any moment he would be asking me to get out.  I felt disgusting, and like I didn't even deserve to even be there with him.

As time went on, I continued to pray.  Had others praying.  Trying to trust God.  I was looking at families to adopt my baby.  I thought that adoption was a great idea.  I had three families that I liked.  One in Germany, one in Florida and one in Georgia.  All three families were great, though each had their own drawbacks that made things tough for me.  I wanted to leave Germany early, making adopting to a family there a lot harder.  The couple in Florida were amazing but I don't think I would have had support from everyone I needed support from.  And the family in Georgia, well, they were really the ones I prayed would adopt my baby.  I really just felt they would offer my child the best home while still allowing me some part in their lives.  So, we all kept praying.

Things slowly started getting better between my husband and I.  We even became intimate again, which was a huge step for us both.  I started to look pregnant, but he didn't seem to be phased by that.  He loved me again, and it was slowly becoming wonderful.

My OB appointments started getting harder and harder.  The first appointment I broke down and cried when I saw the ultrasound and heard the heart beat.  So each time, hearing the heart beat, it just started to get to me.  I started thinking that I wasn't so sure about adoption.  This was MY baby.  Couldn't I just keep him?

I brought up the question to my husband.  Well, saying that he wasn't too thrilled is an understatement.  He didn't understand why I would want to keep him, why I would want that constant reminder.  Honestly, though, I didn't understand it either.  But, this was my 5th pregnancy.  I had 3 children already and had an ectopic pregnancy a couple years prior.  I knew what pregnancy and the birthing process entailed.  I knew that bond that forms between mother and child.  But I also knew loss of a child.

I also questioned what we would tell our kids when they wonder where the baby in mommy's tummy went.  What we would tell this child if he came to find us?  Just all that what if questions.  My husband even told me that he wasn't sure he could stay with me if I chose to keep the baby.  And again, who could blame him?

So, again, for WEEKS, I struggled with this decision.  However, with prayer and really, REALLY trying to see God's plan for my life, I chose to keep my child!  I did so knowing that I was risking my marriage, but I also did so firmly believing that God had his plans and that I was only following his plan for me.  I was a little scared but I believed that God was there, guiding me, and would make sure everything was how it should be!

Things in our marriage continued to get better.  The couple I considered for adoption in Germany found out they were expecting their own baby.  The couple in Florida ended up adopting before I even gave birth and the family in Georgia still had a foster baby in their care.  All of that proves, to me anyway, that I made the right choice!  Everything was as it should be.

Then it came time to have my baby.  I was SCARED TO DEATH.  I was scared that I wouldn't love him, scared that things would be different for him, scared that my husband would reject him.  I chose to do a medication free labor.  And after a stressful pregnancy (I was on bed rest at 31 weeks on due to chronic placenta abruption), it was the best choice!  I did have to get induced, though, so pitocin was the only stuff I got.  I had 1 shot of fentanyl at the very end, just enough so that I didn't care about the pain anymore, because it was surely painful.  But I was proud, a very short time after they broke my water, Jonathen was born.  And this mama was in love!

Jonathen is a blessing.  My husband and I have worked through a lot the last year, been through a lot and come out stronger.  We still don't have a perfect marriage but we definitely have love!  This situation tested us, tested us in ways I would never wish on any relationship.  But because we trusted God, let Him lead us, we have reaped the benefits of it!  We have an amazing family, love that makes other people sick sometimes and a friendship that I've never had before. 

I do thank God every day, for every lessons I've learned and every blessing that came from this. Our lives have changed dramatically.  Our family is stronger, our love and friendship is and I think we both have a new appreciation for God and for each other.  If this story can be used to help just one person, I think it was all worth it.