Endings and Beginnings

Today is the last day of 2012.  Every year I have mixed emotions about the year ending a new one beginning, but not this year.  This year I am glad the year is ending and that a new year is beginning, and that we will begin that year with many changes!  Though, in order to really get past it all, let me reflect on the year and give some insight to what 2013 has in store!

The Bad:  In February my husband took off for his very first deployment.  I found out I was pregnant with a child I couldn't even remember conceiving, thus finding out that I had been assaulted (likely by someone we thought of as family).  The husband came home from his deployment early due to what happened to me and because I wasn't handling things well.  I spent a few months in a severe depression.  Had my first surgery, having my appendix removed.  Then, the pregnancy was difficult, having chronic placenta abruption, where the placenta separates too soon and spent a week in the hospital on strict bed rest and the rest of the pregnancy supposed to be on bed rest and worried the entire time that I could lose him (and myself) at any time if I wasn't careful.

I had to say bye to my best friend here :-(

The Good:  I had friends visit me!!!  and we took a couple trips!

Adrien started Preschool!

Darien started Kindergarten

Jonathen joined our family!

I now have 4 amazing little boys to love!

Jorden had his first steak, messy but so cute!

Though the year wasn't all bad, there was enough bad in it that I am glad it's coming to an end.  I am thankful for the good and bad that happened, I am just glad to move on from it and start with a new year and with the new beginnings we get!  Here's a look at what to expect from our new year!

We have quit smoking so we begin the year as non-smokers!  It's been almost 3 weeks for me and almost 4 for Filip!  I am so glad we finally decided to quit and we are already seeing the benefits of it! I am tasting things differently, my sense of smell is better and I am sure I smell better to other non-smokers.  I am only worried about the weight gain.

We PCS in March!!!  We are moving to Illinois, somewhere completely new to all of us!  A new adventure for our family with a new set of things to do and see! 

We get to visit with all of our family, some friends and enjoy time with them again!  I can't wait!

I suspect that 2013 is going to be an amazing year for us!  So many new adventures await us and I can't wait to share them!

Gold Medal Mom?

Today I had an appointment, one that I needed to have as part of our clearing to get out of here.  We move in March and trying to get everything done so we can get our official orders!  Anyway, this appointment was to clear me with the mental health because I was seen there after finding out about being pregnant with Jonathen.  I was treated for severe, situational depression and anxiety.  I stopped going back in September when I found that my doctor was leaving.  I didn't want to start all over with a new doctor and only see them for a short couple of months and end up leaving.  So, I had to clear with them and have them sign off on my paperwork.  They put me with the doctor I happened to see when I wanted to be put on medication, though she denied it because of the pregnancy and asked that I truly consider whether or not I truly needed the medication.

While I was in there, we went through the last year and just letting this doctor get a good understanding of what was going on and about my history.  After some discussion and her looking through my record, it seems that most of my "depression" was during pregnancy and after a pregnancy loss. 

Obviously it is expected to have some depression after pregnancy loss, especially when it was a pregnancy we were trying for.  Though, I am at a loss as to what happens to me during pregnancy that causes me to be depressed.  I realize that hormones are crazy and all sorts of changes, but such severe depression?  Weird.

Though, after I have my babies, I seem to bounce back with fury.  Even now, 4 weeks (man I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks) after having Jonathen, I feel GREAT!  Maybe my honeymoon phase lasts longer than most after having babies, I really do not know.  But she commented on how great and happy I look, compared to the last time she saw me. 

We talked about the kids and just made small talk while she filled out and signed my papers.  She told me how she had 1 son, her only child, and she has no clue how I do it with 4.  Not just that I have 4 but that they are all so close in age.  I told her that it can get difficult, frustrating and insane at times but that I just do it.  There isn't any real "trick" or secret, I just wake up every day and do what I have to do, love my children and start all over each morning.  She told me I was strong because her 1 child was rough enough, 4 would have terrified her.

Then we talked about what I do with my spare time.  I told her I was taking college course and starting to get ready for the PCS.  Plus trying to make time for "girl time" and other adult time that I very much need.  She was dumb-founded by that.  I thought her mouth was going to hit the floor when I told her I was taking classes.  That was when she told me I deserved a gold medal for all that I do and still being able to make time for myself.

Now, I don't feel like I deserve a gold medal.  I am not doing anything that other mothers don't do.  I wake up, do the best I can for my family and myself and that's it.  I am not supermom, I don't go above and beyond, I do what I am capable of to make my family happy and keep them healthy.  I feel that the "gold medal" that I get is knowing that my kids are pretty well behaved kids that are doing amazingly in school! 

I am very proud of my boys, and proud that I have been able to teach them enough that they are great at school and respect adults!  I know a few other moms that DO deserve gold medals, I am just not one of them.  But I appreciated the compliment and will continue to love my boys and teach them and keep praying that they will grow up to be happy, healthy, honest, respectful and loving!

Beautiful Chaos

Whew, life is CRAZY busy lately.  I thought people have said after having three children, more kids don't seem to add much.  Though, it seems to me like adding the fourth child has been even tougher than adding the second.  However, I think the fact that Jorden is only 14 months old, having two babies at the same time has been the hardest part of it all.  Getting to the car with two babies by myself is almost impossible and with the way the weather has been lately, I would likely slip and bust my rear end if I tried to take them both at the same time.

Now, these are not complaints.  I am extremely blessed to be dealing with all of this!  I love my kids more than anything and wouldn't trade any of them for easier.  I would rather risk busting my butt than not have my children to hug, kiss and snuggle.  Because those hugs, kisses and snuggles are the highlight of my days!

Another thing keeping me crazy busy is school.  Yes, I am still in classes no matter how crazy it may seem.  I will probably take one more class before taking a break while we move back to the U.S.!!!  But I really need to get my education finished so that I can begin working on my certifications.

All of this and still trying to keep up a house, which is impossible by the way, has me staying pretty busy.  And driving my crazy most days.  Though, this life is an amazing life!  I have the most amazing husband, great kids, supportive and loving family and the best friends anyone could have!  All this crazy will soon settle down and I will surely miss it!

Being Thankful

Yeah, I am a little late here, but better late than never :)  I've been so busy with the new baby (Jonathen), Jorden was super sick all week, the older boys out of school for the Thanksgiving weekend and just so much going on.  However, I would still like to share what I am most thankful for!

First and foremost, I am thankful for God's love!  His unconditional, guaranteed love!  I've been through a lot in my life and over the last 2 years I have been able to get through a lot of it because of Christ!  I wouldn't be where I am, giving thanks for anything if not for the presence He has in my life!  He has blessed me beyond belief and I will never stop giving thanks to Him for all he has given me!

I am also just as thankful for my amazing husband!!!  Our 6 1/2 years of marriage haven't always been easy but we stick together through it all!  His friendship, love and compassion has been more than a blessing to me.  He's my best friend, the other half to my heart! 

I am also thankful for my children!  I have been given 4 amazing blessings and wouldn't trade any of them.  Darien is my clown!  He loves to joke and play and can make anyone laugh with his silliness!

  Adrien is my crazy child!  He will try anything at least once and has ZERO fear!  He also loves to be silly but in such a different way!  

Jorden is strong willed and very loveable!  He cuddles and all but when he is determined, stay out of his way.  

Jonathen is the blessing I didn't know I wanted.  He was given to us in a way that was undesirable but just 1 week with him and I couldn't imagine our lives without him!  Such a super cuddly baby, and mighty handsome!

All 4 of my handsome boys are amazing blessings!

I am thankful for the other family and friends who have been there for my family!  Especially this last year.  Things have been tough and so much going on, our family and friends have been amazingly supportive and encouraging through it all!  I can't express how thankful I am for those who have stood by us and really supported us!  Without each and everyone of them, who knows where I would be right now.

And of course I am thankful for all the smaller things in life... good food, water, shelter, nature, etc...  Everything I have, EVERYTHING, is a blessing and I will forever be grateful for it!  

Amazing Chaos

Whew.  Being the mom of 4 will definitely be a challenging, though extremely rewarding, adventure.  I guess dealing with all of this early on, I can be prepared for the future with all of these boys.  Only home for 24 hours and already have handled more than I expected.  Though, I thank God that I have the most amazing husband who is more than willing to do the things I am not able to do right now.

Yesterday Jorden (14 months old) started running a fever and being very tired.  It was obvious to everyone that saw him that he was not feeling well.  His breathing had gotten pretty bad, though his inhaler was helping and motrin had been taking his fever down.  So we opted not to stop at the ER before leaving the hospital.  Though, we should have.

We finally got home a little after 9pm.  I spent some time with all my boys and got settled in for the night.  Just as I was going to lay down, around 130am, I hear Jorden start crying, and pretty hard.  I go get him out of his bed and he was burning up.  Took his temperature and it was 100.4.  So, not awful but a fever.  Got some motrin for him and laid him down with Fil so that I could get back to Jonathen.  Checked his temperature again about an hour later, it went up to 100.8.  Not a huge difference but the motrin should have helped bring it down, not have it still rising. 

Because of that and the fact his breathing was getting bad again, he needed to be seen.  So, Daddy got up and took him to the ER at about 3am.  I was finally able to lay down and get some sleep until they got back a few hours later.

Poor Jorden has pnuemonia which is causing his asthma to act up really bad.  He has slept more like an infant than a toddler, being asleep most of today.  At least he had some medications now that are hopefully going to help get this gone.  Now we have to worry about the other kids, especially Jonathen, getting sick.

After being up at 3am and taking care of Jorden, Fil ended up even going to the commissary and grocery shopping.  We needed stuff for the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner plus wanted to get some pedialyte for Jorden.  And that, roughly, 2 hours alone with all 4 boys was interesting.  Jonathen slept most of the time, except the feeding he had mid way.  Jorden cried most of the time, even fell and whacked his head once.  The older two were playing/fighting with toys.  Lots and lots of chaos.  Though, I know that someday I am going to miss the chaos.

Though, with all the sickness, the craziness and even the recovering and newborn stuff going on here, I wouldn't trade one chaotic moment for any other kind of life.  Things may be completely crazy right now but my boys, my life and my husband are perfect for me! 

Jonathen has arrived!

After a long, emotionally and medically complicated pregnancy, little Jonathen has arrived!!!  Even with everything that has happened, I would not trade (most of) my labor and birth experience with him :)  He is truly a blessing and from first sight, this mama was in love with her baby boy!

On Tuesday I found out they wanted to induce on Thursday.  I was prepared for induction but not for at least another week.  So, the rush to get ready was on!  I had to finish his clothes and clean the house up and just have things together for when he got home so that we could both be comfortable!  Plus, I had parent/teacher conferences to attend for Darien and Adrien, so lots happening in just 2 days.

The plan was to call Thursday at 4pm to get the time to head in.  When I called, they told me to be there at 730pm.  We got up to the hospital and was in a room around 815.  All IV's and things were started and going around 9pm.  I was just hoping for after midnight so that his birthday would be 11/16.  Well, we got past midnight, plus some.

The doctor on shift Thursday night apparently wanted to be left alone.  She had them start me ridiculously low on pitocin and only increase in tiny amounts and hours apart.  When she checked me just before 9pm, I was 2cm, about 40% effaced and he was still pretty high up there.  Well, I didn't see that doctor again AT ALL.  Thankfully my contractions weren't getting THAT bad yet.  I was able to fall asleep in spurts and just waited for something to start happening.

In the morning, after the 730 shift change, the day doctor came in.  She asked when I was last checked and told her not since the night before.  So, she said they would increase pitocin and break my water and really get things going.  She attempted to break my water but I think it was still quite high and was too hard to get to.  I was only 3cm, about 50% effaced and he'd only dropped slightly.

About an hour later, the other midwife came in and broke my water with some effort.  After that, things got moving quickly.  Cori, a friend who was an amazing doula for me, came in shortly after my water was broken.  My contractions quickly picked up and became INTENSE.  It was hard to move around to do anything, though I tried the birthing ball.  The thing I found that helped the most was heat on my back.  But nothing was going to take all the pain away at this point, it was getting serious.

Not 2 hours later I was feeling a lot of pressure.  She came back and checked me to find that I was 6cm and pretty much fully effaced and he was down and in position.  So, things were really moving fast.  The contractions were REALLY hurting and I could feel my body pushing down.  It was almost time.  And that's about when I thought I couldn't do it.  Not that I couldn't have the baby, but that I couldn't do it without an epidural.  I started asking for it but Cori was there talking me out of it, telling me how great I was doing.  So, I kept on.

I did, however, end up getting a shot of pain meds to help.  I was getting so uncomfortable and was really ready to give in to an epidural.  Then, I felt it.  The need to push.  They came and checked and I was 9cm and almost ready to go.  Just had to wait for the dr and everyone to get ready without forcing pushes.  And not forcing pushes then became extremely hard not to do.  So, while they were getting everything ready, I was laying there trying not to force the pushing, but my body wasn't stopping.  I was reassured it was only a couple more minutes by Cori.  The dr then turned and said that it was going to be more like seconds, she was looking at the top of his head.

At this point, pushing wasn't an option.  I couldn't hold back.  Every contraction that came, even small ones, forced me to push.  It burned and felt like I was taking the worse crap of my life.  A few seconds later, I felt relief.  He was out!  They laid him on my chest while Fil cut the cord and I laid eyes on this handsome baby for the first time!

Jonathen Mikel, born at 1211 at 6lbs 2oz, 19 inches long and a full head of hair!  He was born perfect!  Though there are still a lot of fears and emotions, I can't wait to see what this little boy has in store for our lives!  What God gave him to us to do!  I am proud to be his mama!

And, I am definitely the proud mom, now of 4 amazingly handsome little guys!!!

6 Year Old, My First Born!

Yesterday we celebrated my first born son's 6th birthday!  I can't believe it has been 6 years since I became a mom for the first time.  It just doesn't seem possible.  Feels like just yesterday he was laid on my chest.

It doesn't matter how I felt before hand, the moment the doctor put him on my chest, I was head over heels in love with him!  He made me a mom, made me realize how amazing life is as a mother!!!  I was taken by surprise by the amount of love I had for him and now couldn't imagine life without him.

For his birthday this year we had a bowling party!  Nothing super special but something that he enjoys doing and something he requested.  And because he's in school he got to invite his own friends!!!  I think his birthday party was a super success!

I love his excitement!  Can't wait to see what we get to do next year!!!

Almost Time

Each day is another day closer.  Another day gone.  Another day awaiting the arrival of baby Jonathen.  And with each of those passing days, my anxiety increases a little and I am more and more nervous of what is coming.  I can't believe how fast time has gone through all of this.  It seems like the days have dragged on but overall, it's gone by really fast.  In just a few short weeks, we will be welcoming our newest addition into our lives!

I would be lying if I tried to say that the anxiety only comes from excitement.  I mean, I am definitely excited but I am scared at the same time.  Scared of what he is going to look like.  Scared that he is going to look just like [him].  Scared that seeing him will flood back memories I don't want to have.  Scared that seeing him will open up all the memories that I've seemed to have blocked.  And complete honesty, I am scared that I won't have the same connection with him that I had with the other boys.  I am scared that I will be a horrible mother, or that these feelings make me a horrible mother.  I love him, there is no doubt about that already, so I do hope my fears are just that, simple fears.

I will say that my husband has been AMAZING!!!  For a while I was back and forth on feeling scared of him and how he is going to feel about me after Jonathen is born.  And though I do still have some fear of that, he has shown more love and support to me through this than you could ever expect from any person.  I've truly seen and felt his love the last few months and can see that this IS HIS child, no matter what!  He really is just an amazing man, and Daddy!

I spent a lot of time questioning "why?".  Why did this happen to me?  Why did I let this happen to myself?  Why didn't I do something different?  Why can't I remember details?  Why did I have to get pregnant that way?  Why is my family being put through so much?  Even, why [and how] did I end up with such an amazing husband to stay through everything we've been through and raise this child?  And if I can ever come up with real answers to these questions, I will be sure to let you know.  However, I can only think of a few possibilities to answer them.

I don't understand WHY these kinds of things would ever happen to anyone, or why someone would do those things to another person.  I don't understand why a lot has happened, and I really can't understand what man in his right mind would stay after everything.  But I do understand that LOVE is what drives my husband and lack of love is what drives people to do bad things to others.  Love is also what has driven me to the decisions I have made, love for my unborn son.

While I don't understand it now, I am certain there is something special about our situation and our experience through all of this.  Whether we end up helping other families in similar situations or whether Jonathen is going to be the president someday, there IS a purpose.  Even if it is as simple as allowing our family to go through this just to become closer and stronger, the purpose of this child is important.  He has already made such an impact on our family relationship, making us stronger, tighter!

I know that there will come a day that I will not have these questions.  There will be a day that I look into Jonathen's eyes and KNOW exactly why he was given to me!  I will no longer ask Why but will say THANK YOU GOD!  Hopefully that day will be his birthday!  As I patiently wait for that day, I am enjoying the pregnancy, even the discomforts of it, and just trying to prepare for our new little arrival!  I can't wait to post about his birth!  Keep your eyes peeled for it!

Time goes too Fast

Kids grow up way too fast.  This is a thought I am sure almost every parent has had at least once, though I am sure it's though hundreds of times a year.  It also seems like with the more children you have, the faster that time goes.  I can't believe that I am about to have a 6 year old, 4 year old and 1 year old and adding a new baby again.  Time has just gone by too darn fast.

In about a month my oldest, Darien, will turn 6.  This just seems crazy to me.  I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant with him like it was yesterday.  I also remember seeing and holding him for the first time and falling in love with him in less than a second.  Though, I have these memories, and as strong, with all 3 of them.

Adrien is 4, which blows my mind.  It is weird enough have one that is about to be 6, also having a 4 year old is baffling.  I remember the hot TX summer being pregnant with him.  I remember celebrating July 4th with our closest friends and just wishing he would come out.  And, like with Darien, I remember seeing and holding him for the first time, falling in love that very instant.

Jorden just turned 1.  That is probably the hardest to believe.  The year went by insanely fast.  I am crazy amazed at how fast time has gone and how big he's gotten!  Now he's walking!!!  He's getting into everything and just causing all kinds of mischief around here!  But I have to admit that I am loving every crazy moment of it!

And within the next 7 weeks we will be adding another new baby.  That is scary and exciting all at once.  The circumstances make it more scary but I am also excited to have a new baby again.  I never thought I'd be the baby kind of person but I love them.  Sometimes I kinda wish I could shrink the three older kids back to baby size, though I enjoy watching them all grow and being able to teach them all the new things they learn!

I look awful right now but pregnancy is only temporary.  Hopefully I will look better when I am not as tired and stuck on bed rest!  Until then, I blame my boys for taking all my energy and looks, haha!  But they are worth every moment!

Uncomfortable Prengnacy

Being pregnant means being uncomfortable.  I've done it three times before and aside from having my appendix removed, this pregnancy hasn't been all too different from the others.  Until last week, that is.

Thursday morning (at 30 weeks) I woke knowing I had a fairly full day ahead.  I had to get kids off to school, wanted to go see a friend who'd just had her baby that morning, get kids from school, homework for my class and the normal daily stuff for the mom of 3 boys.  Well, I woke up feeling like something was off, very uncomfortable, but I pushed through anyway.  I had things to do and pregnancy can be like that sometimes, so I dealt with it and pushed on.

I got the kids of to school and then got ready to go visit my friend.  I carried Jorden (who is now 25lbs) up to a friends apartment on the 4th floor.  Went for our visit and did all I had to do.  That evening I was really just feeling blah.  I knew I had done too much but I hoped going to bed early and resting would help.  So, I got my shower and got ready to head to bed.

After my shower, I was doing my nightly routine of drink, bathroom and getting everything together.  When I used the bathroom, I wiped away blood.  So, I called and let them know how I'd been feeling and about the spotting (what they call it).  Just because I had been feeling bad all day and everything, they wanted me to just go in and get checked out.  And now, I am beyond glad that I did.

When I got there they hooked me up to the monitors and I realized I was having contractions every 5-7 minutes.  Baby looked great but the contractions were a problem since I'd had some bleeding.  They did their exams to find that I was bleeding inside but they couldn't exactly figure where it was coming from.  So, they ran some tests to see if they would show anything.  Well, one of these tests (hope I explain this correctly) showed that my blood count was down in the area of clotting.  Which to them says that I had a bleed somewhere that wasn't fixing itself.  They did another test which showed my levels getting lower.  So, of course, this is a problem.

After preparing me for the possibility of a c-section, the NICU if he was born, getting meds started (steroids for his lungs and magnesium for his brain), I was admitted to the hospital over the weekend and on strict bed rest with only bathroom privileges.  I was able to go to the toilet and that was about it.  I even had to get special permission just to take a shower.  So, from Thursday night to Monday, I was stuck in a bed depending on everyone else to get things for me.  It was good and awful all at the same time.

I finally spoke the the Dr Monday morning during my 3rd NST for the weekend.  She made sure that I knew just how important bed rest was at this point and let me know all the risks.  Basically, if I bleed, AT ALL, again then I will be admitted to the hospital until he is born.  If it doesn't happen again or at least holds of to about 35 weeks or later, they would probably just go ahead and deliver him.  But it would really depend on the severity and how he is doing in there.  But before that, I am a prisoner of the hospital.  She also told me that if it were to get worse I risk the baby's life and my own because of bleeding out.  So, no chances will be taken.

I had to go to OB to make NST appointments for twice a week and a growth scan.  I will now go in twice weekly and the baby will be monitored for roughly 30 minutes to an hour.  I had the growth scan this morning and talked to the Dr that is in charge of all high risk patients.

They found the small part on my placenta that seems to be torn.  I wasn't large but it was visible.  It's one that could easily go either way, as in get better or worse, so he wants to keep a close watch on baby and me to ensure we get through as long as possible for a healthy birth! As long as all seems to be well with baby, then at 34 weeks we will discuss increasing my activity.  Around 36 weeks I will likely be taken off bed rest completely.  If I happen to still be pregnant at 39 weeks, I will be induced to ensure no further damage to the placenta. 

So, basically I know now that I will have a baby in 8 weeks or less since I am now 31 weeks.  I wish it wasn't under these conditions but I am glad they are taking this seriously and not just waiting to see how things go without some precautions in place.  We have a plan and everyone is on board.  Now, I just pray I can stay out of the hospital until it's time to have this little boy!

Life, Unexpected

Before reading this, I have to state that nothing has been "proven" so this is an alleged incident.


Everyone has experienced something in their life that was unexpected and probably changed the course of their life, at least once.  I know I've experienced a lot of unexpected things and each of those things surely changed my life in one way or another.  Though, most of those things were probably very little and almost unnoticeable.  I may not have expected it at that time but it was bound to happen and it turned out just to be God working to get me where I was supposed to end up.

What about those HUGE things that happen, though?  And what if it's something that could be classified as a horrible thing to happen, even if a blessing manages to come out of it?  Well, my family is able to understand this situation, even if we can't answer these questions.

Babies are blessings, gifts from God, no matter how or when they are conceived.  I have always believed this and nothing will change my opinion of that.  God should be praised with every new life, and I will always praise Him for the lives he has given to me when he gave me my children.  But, I will acknowledge that I now understand one very hard and dark consideration that women make.  A consideration that I believed was appropriate in certain circumstances.

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant.  This pregnancy was unexpected, to say the least, and definitely not something that was planned.  As you may remember, my husband deployed in February.  So, any person able to do math (and know the actual gestation length/times) would easily figure out that this pregnancy occurred after he was gone.  And yes, it certainly did.  However, I will make one thing VERY clear:  I was NOT {willingly} unfaithful to my husband.

Unfortunately it appears as though I trusted the wrong person and allowed myself to be in a situation that another man apparently thought it was okay to take advantage.  This person was someone we all thought of as family to us, so to say it was unexpected in an understatement.  I still, even 6 months later, can't believe that this person betrayed me (and my entire family) the way he did.

As much as I could go on about that, that is not the point of me writing.  It happened, it sucks and will now have a blessing added to our family.  Another child.  I considered having an abortion when I first found out.  It was what I thought I would do in this situation, and completely believed it was an acceptable answer.  I didn't ask for this, it wasn't me choosing to lay down with a man, this was essentially rape.  And in that case, I could understand someone choosing abortion.  So, I looked into it and got all the information I could.  At the same time, I prayed.  Asked God what to do.  I did blame myself because I could have done so much different and it was my own fault I was in that position, so in a way I felt like I was being punished for drinking or something.  Though, what I quickly realized, my fault or not, this baby wasn't at fault.  They didn't ask to be conceived.  Why would I kill someone that had no blame?  And my entire opinion changed and I came to find that I don't believe that even in cases of rape/assault that abortion is an acceptable decision.

I also considered adoption.  Talked to families and even had the one family I would have adopted to right then.  But, pregnancy takes a while so I had time to really consider everything.  My feelings, my husbands feelings my kids' feelings, the rest of our family's feelings and what this child would possibly feel.  After discussing things with close friends, family and my husband, I decided that adoption just wasn't right for me.  Yes, raising this child is going to be a challenge in ways, but he's my child.  No matter how it happened, it did happen and I needed to look at the blessing of it, not the wrong that was done. 

I have 3 children, all boys!  Well, in less than 8 weeks we will add another little man to love!  It was unexpected, and very hard to make decisions about what to do but even with all of the things that have come from this, I know I am blessed!

I have an amazing husband who has stood by me through everything.  He's understood my feelings and been a rock through it all.  My kids are too young to understand but are sure excited to have another brother!  And although I know that our hard road isn't over, I know our road to an amazing life has still only just begun!

It's not easy and this pregnancy has definitely been a rough one.  I am currently on bed rest (will post about that later) and will be until the end as of right now.  I had my appendix removed at  17 weeks along and just everything seems to make this a rough go for me.  But, today I saw this little boy on ultrasound and it reminded me just how awesome life is!  And whatever it takes to make sure this baby is born happy, healthy and when he is a little bit bigger, I will do!  I already love him :)  He's part of my life, unexpected.

6 years of Love

Waking up this morning I am grateful that I get to say we've made it 6 wonderful years! Today, my husband and I celebrate 6 years of marriage! Though, we do it separately.

My husband is deployed. For those who are non military, he is in the desert for 6 months, not able to come home at all during that time. We do get to talk on Skype on Saturdays and text nightly before he goes to bed. It's definitely not ideal, but it's something.

Still, though, today we have been married for 6 years! We've been through a lot, with a lot still to come! I've truly found a wonderful man and can only thank God for sending him to me!!!