Almost Time

Each day is another day closer.  Another day gone.  Another day awaiting the arrival of baby Jonathen.  And with each of those passing days, my anxiety increases a little and I am more and more nervous of what is coming.  I can't believe how fast time has gone through all of this.  It seems like the days have dragged on but overall, it's gone by really fast.  In just a few short weeks, we will be welcoming our newest addition into our lives!

I would be lying if I tried to say that the anxiety only comes from excitement.  I mean, I am definitely excited but I am scared at the same time.  Scared of what he is going to look like.  Scared that he is going to look just like [him].  Scared that seeing him will flood back memories I don't want to have.  Scared that seeing him will open up all the memories that I've seemed to have blocked.  And complete honesty, I am scared that I won't have the same connection with him that I had with the other boys.  I am scared that I will be a horrible mother, or that these feelings make me a horrible mother.  I love him, there is no doubt about that already, so I do hope my fears are just that, simple fears.

I will say that my husband has been AMAZING!!!  For a while I was back and forth on feeling scared of him and how he is going to feel about me after Jonathen is born.  And though I do still have some fear of that, he has shown more love and support to me through this than you could ever expect from any person.  I've truly seen and felt his love the last few months and can see that this IS HIS child, no matter what!  He really is just an amazing man, and Daddy!

I spent a lot of time questioning "why?".  Why did this happen to me?  Why did I let this happen to myself?  Why didn't I do something different?  Why can't I remember details?  Why did I have to get pregnant that way?  Why is my family being put through so much?  Even, why [and how] did I end up with such an amazing husband to stay through everything we've been through and raise this child?  And if I can ever come up with real answers to these questions, I will be sure to let you know.  However, I can only think of a few possibilities to answer them.

I don't understand WHY these kinds of things would ever happen to anyone, or why someone would do those things to another person.  I don't understand why a lot has happened, and I really can't understand what man in his right mind would stay after everything.  But I do understand that LOVE is what drives my husband and lack of love is what drives people to do bad things to others.  Love is also what has driven me to the decisions I have made, love for my unborn son.

While I don't understand it now, I am certain there is something special about our situation and our experience through all of this.  Whether we end up helping other families in similar situations or whether Jonathen is going to be the president someday, there IS a purpose.  Even if it is as simple as allowing our family to go through this just to become closer and stronger, the purpose of this child is important.  He has already made such an impact on our family relationship, making us stronger, tighter!

I know that there will come a day that I will not have these questions.  There will be a day that I look into Jonathen's eyes and KNOW exactly why he was given to me!  I will no longer ask Why but will say THANK YOU GOD!  Hopefully that day will be his birthday!  As I patiently wait for that day, I am enjoying the pregnancy, even the discomforts of it, and just trying to prepare for our new little arrival!  I can't wait to post about his birth!  Keep your eyes peeled for it!