God didn't promise it would be easy, He promised it would be worth it!
There are many days that it would be easier to just give up, to walk away and do something different. Many days that it would be easier to do anything but face what that day has brought. Though, it doesn't matter where I go, I will always have problems. So, I either run from things for the rest of my life or I face life as it is and make it great!
If I ran away every time there was a problem, I would never stop running. Life is full of issues, even when we try to avoid them. Do you wanna run at every little issue, or do you want to be able to stop running and be able to enjoy life?
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"... Depending on your personality, this can be read different ways. I personally think that it means that the tough people fight harder and start working through the tough stuff. Though, I know too many people who apparently think the phrase means to literally GET GOING, and run, when things get tough. I was even that person at one time.
Relationships, work, anything that can get hard, I would run. I hated commitment because I wanted to be able to just walk away if I couldn't handle it. And even when I made commitments, I barely stuck with them. I ran, from everything. I couldn't even keep many friendships because of it. I hurt people I cared about because of it. I hurt myself because of it.
Relationships were always the worst for me. I never had much of a relationship with a guy after about 6 months. Things would start to get hard, or I would start to care too much, so I ran. I would cheat, lie, break up, whatever it was that would be an end to that relationship. Because, it was just too much. I was not the kind of person to work through things with a guy, EVER. If we had problems, well, it wasn't worth it to even try anymore. I gave up, walked away and just never even attempted to fix anything.
Now, I know that I can sit and dwell on things in the past, and I am very glad that my life is where it is today. However, all of that running taught me only one thing, how to run faster and how to spot problems before they happened and get a head start. So, it wasn't helping me, it was only making things worse. I was hurting more and more people while trusting fewer and fewer. Even allowed myself to ruin my first marriage, because it was easier to run than to face the problems.
Now, I admit that kids have changed me LOTS. I still think it would be easier to run at times. I have even had moments when I started to. However, they give me a reason to slow down and look at what I am running from. And, I find that I don't WANT to run anymore. I want to slow down, enjoy the good times and face the bad. Because my kids deserve better than that.
I know people who think Fil and I should just end it. That we should run from our issues and let our problems win. I know people who don't think I am good enough for him, or him for me. I know a few people who can't understand why we continue to stand by each other, through anything and everything. I also know a few who REFUSE to even attempt to respect our marriage and what we have worked together to build. And some of the people have never been married, so they truly have no idea what a marriage really takes. It is easy to walk away from someone you are simply dating, its completely different to divorce a spouse.
Is my marriage perfect? FAR FROM IT. I have made mistakes, he has made mistakes and together we have made mistakes. We've made big mistakes and small mistakes. However, the one thing I can say is that our marriage was NOT a mistake. Our love is not a mistake. Us fighting for each other, through everything, is not a mistake. And anyone who thinks it is doesn't understand true love, or marriage.
Our marriage hasn't been easy, though God never said marriage would be easy. But I can't run anymore, I need to face things I do wrong and try to fight for all the good that is in my life. I need to hold on to the things that bring me joy (God, my husband, my children) and stop letting the bad things get between me and that happiness. I need to face my own mistakes, repent for them, ask forgiveness and learn to move on. I just hope that others around me can learn to do the same things. And hope that some day people will accept me, just as I am, imperfect but happy!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Blessed are the persecuted
I have always found it pretty amazing that I hear the messages from God that I need, just when I need them most. At church this morning, I really had to evaluate things, and I admit that I am not nearly as faithful to God as I should be. Yes I believe, yes I pray, yes we go to church. But, have I REALLY been faithful like he expects me to be? Have I turned everything over and completely trusted Him? The answer is NO. I haven't. While I have tried to make choices pleasing to Him, I haven't completely turned everything over. And honestly, that is hard for anyone to do.
Matthew 5:10-12 says: Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
These verses don't sound appealing, do they? Who WANTS to be persecuted? Well, it clearly states here that we should be glad when we are, because it shows that we are doing what is right, and God will reward us. I haven't always believed this, but I have really started to see exactly what this means.
Now, the important thing is to not confuse this with being persecuted for the wrong things you do. When you mess up, the bad stuff is inevitable. You caused those things with your stupid actions, not as a result of doing good. I will use myself as an example:
I went out drinking, with a man who wasn't my husband. There were consequences to those actions that do rest on me for making the decision to be where my actions were unpleasing to God. In this sense, I will not be blessed because I faced trials, and hardships from this choice. Every bad thing that came from my choices was not God's doing, it was due to my stupid choices and the stupid choices of someone else.
However... when faced with a pregnancy that resulted of the assault which occurred as a result of my poor choices, I chose to not make stupid choices again. Instead, I chose to do what would be pleasing to God. I, first and foremost, told my husband what happened. When I could have lied and found ways to hide it, I chose honesty. Then, I chose life, the life of this unborn child. I chose to continue with the pregnancy, even though abortion was a very easy (and honestly appealing) way to not face what happened. And as a result, I have been extremely blessed.
Those are just small examples of what it means. There are much more in depth and intense situations all over the world. And while I chose the right things in that particular situation, there are still many situations and areas of my life that I need to turn over, release my control and let God run.
My trials right now, I believe, are because I do lose focus. I forget who should be leading my life and my choices. I forget to turn to Him, and it's my own desires that are leading me. So, I am working harder at this, and I do find myself being persecuted for doing what I feel God desires of me.
For example, the recent issues in my life involve me forgiving people. Forgiveness is difficult, especially when you have been betrayed so badly, by people you trusted and cared for with all your heart. It is hard to forgive those who have done unspeakable hurt to your heart. But I am choosing to do just that. I am choosing to forgive and move on. I am even choosing to keep them in my life, as my family in Christ. I am choosing to accept their apologies and treat them with love and kindness. I am choosing not to let my hurt turn to bitterness and resentment. I am choosing to love them as God would love them.
So, I am being persecuted (in a sense) for this choice. I am being told that I am stupid for this choice, that I am making the wrong choice. I am being told that by forgiving, I am saying what they did was okay. I am telling them that I am okay with what they did, and that I am too weak to do anything about it. Though, that is not at all what my forgiveness says. My forgiveness actually says that I am strong enough to be hurt by them, and strong enough to not allow myself to hurt them back. Instead, I will continue to love them and not punish them. I am strong enough to move on, even when it seems easier to punish them.
However, this forgiveness doesn't mean that I am still not guilty of losing sight of God. I still do, and I still will. I pray, however, that those times get fewer and farther between, and much shorter. Because only He can give me the strength to continue to make the right choices in life!
I went out drinking, with a man who wasn't my husband. There were consequences to those actions that do rest on me for making the decision to be where my actions were unpleasing to God. In this sense, I will not be blessed because I faced trials, and hardships from this choice. Every bad thing that came from my choices was not God's doing, it was due to my stupid choices and the stupid choices of someone else.
However... when faced with a pregnancy that resulted of the assault which occurred as a result of my poor choices, I chose to not make stupid choices again. Instead, I chose to do what would be pleasing to God. I, first and foremost, told my husband what happened. When I could have lied and found ways to hide it, I chose honesty. Then, I chose life, the life of this unborn child. I chose to continue with the pregnancy, even though abortion was a very easy (and honestly appealing) way to not face what happened. And as a result, I have been extremely blessed.
Those are just small examples of what it means. There are much more in depth and intense situations all over the world. And while I chose the right things in that particular situation, there are still many situations and areas of my life that I need to turn over, release my control and let God run.
My trials right now, I believe, are because I do lose focus. I forget who should be leading my life and my choices. I forget to turn to Him, and it's my own desires that are leading me. So, I am working harder at this, and I do find myself being persecuted for doing what I feel God desires of me.
For example, the recent issues in my life involve me forgiving people. Forgiveness is difficult, especially when you have been betrayed so badly, by people you trusted and cared for with all your heart. It is hard to forgive those who have done unspeakable hurt to your heart. But I am choosing to do just that. I am choosing to forgive and move on. I am even choosing to keep them in my life, as my family in Christ. I am choosing to accept their apologies and treat them with love and kindness. I am choosing not to let my hurt turn to bitterness and resentment. I am choosing to love them as God would love them.
So, I am being persecuted (in a sense) for this choice. I am being told that I am stupid for this choice, that I am making the wrong choice. I am being told that by forgiving, I am saying what they did was okay. I am telling them that I am okay with what they did, and that I am too weak to do anything about it. Though, that is not at all what my forgiveness says. My forgiveness actually says that I am strong enough to be hurt by them, and strong enough to not allow myself to hurt them back. Instead, I will continue to love them and not punish them. I am strong enough to move on, even when it seems easier to punish them.
However, this forgiveness doesn't mean that I am still not guilty of losing sight of God. I still do, and I still will. I pray, however, that those times get fewer and farther between, and much shorter. Because only He can give me the strength to continue to make the right choices in life!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Storms, Mattresses and Truth
Anyone who has read my past blogs, or who has known me over the last few years, knows that I have had some really rough stuff happen. Whether these things were of my own doing or not, the last few years have definitely tested me, my marriage and my faith. All of these things, mixed with the good stuff, has changed me. And I was just recently tested, again. However, these tests have shown me the kind of person I really am, and the kind of person I have tried to be.
The weather here in Illinois has been crazy, to say the least. We get some incredibly nice days, then we get hit with intense thunderstorms and tornado watches/warnings. It just so happens that some of the latest storms happened during a time that I was being tested with things in my life. And all I could do was notice the comparison.
Relationships, whether it be friendship or marriage, are a lot like the weather. There are beautiful days when you are happy and you wish it could just last forever. There are cloudy days where it's not all sunshine and smiles but still many good possibilities. Then, out of nowhere the dark clouds can roll in, causing storms and damage to everything. You want to run and hide, to avoid the storms, to protect yourself from the damage they could cause. Relationships are the same way. And when it's stormy in a relationship, a lot of people just run and hide from the storm.
Though, in these storms, it is family that protects each other. Family who work together to ensure the safety of everyone. Families who weather the storms together, huddling in a closet praying that the storms pass quickly and do as little damage as possible. Relationships should be the same way. Families working together to protect each other, to weather the storms together and to pray together for the storms to pass.
With this last round of storms in our area, I thought about the real possibility of a tornado coming through our neighborhood. What if damage was done to our home? What if I had to do more than get in a closet with my family? What if I had to take more drastic measures to protecting them? As everyone knows, or should know, the deadliest part of a tornado is flying debris. If one were to come through here, the best bet would be for us to have a mattress or something over us as protection from things flying and falling on us. However, this would likely terrify my children and would possible hurt them a little from the weight of the mattress or something related to it. Though, with all the flying and falling debris, you would hurt a lot more for a lot longer if the mattress weren't there. And that is even if you survive it. When storms happen in relationships, this can ring true as well.
The relationship storm has flying debris, in the sense of lies, infidelity, abuse, or any other issue that could tear a marriage apart. These things can also cause the end of the relationship. However, just like in a real storm, truth is the mattress. It is the truth that will protect the relationship from the other flying debris. I believe that no matter what debris is flying in the relationship storm, when you tell the truth, it protects you. It may still hurt a little at that moment, but the long term pain will be much less than if it weren't there. Even if there is no guarantee, it is better safe than sorry. And, speaking from personal experience, the truth is always the best bet when you want to protect those you love.
So, whether you are in a real storm or in a metaphorical storm, remember your mattress. Don't believe in the idea that you could still cause pain, so what's the point, because you could likely suffer way more pain without that protection. And remember that when you are weathering these storms, don't leave the family on the wrong side of that mattress, they need that protection too!
The weather here in Illinois has been crazy, to say the least. We get some incredibly nice days, then we get hit with intense thunderstorms and tornado watches/warnings. It just so happens that some of the latest storms happened during a time that I was being tested with things in my life. And all I could do was notice the comparison.
Relationships, whether it be friendship or marriage, are a lot like the weather. There are beautiful days when you are happy and you wish it could just last forever. There are cloudy days where it's not all sunshine and smiles but still many good possibilities. Then, out of nowhere the dark clouds can roll in, causing storms and damage to everything. You want to run and hide, to avoid the storms, to protect yourself from the damage they could cause. Relationships are the same way. And when it's stormy in a relationship, a lot of people just run and hide from the storm.
Though, in these storms, it is family that protects each other. Family who work together to ensure the safety of everyone. Families who weather the storms together, huddling in a closet praying that the storms pass quickly and do as little damage as possible. Relationships should be the same way. Families working together to protect each other, to weather the storms together and to pray together for the storms to pass.
With this last round of storms in our area, I thought about the real possibility of a tornado coming through our neighborhood. What if damage was done to our home? What if I had to do more than get in a closet with my family? What if I had to take more drastic measures to protecting them? As everyone knows, or should know, the deadliest part of a tornado is flying debris. If one were to come through here, the best bet would be for us to have a mattress or something over us as protection from things flying and falling on us. However, this would likely terrify my children and would possible hurt them a little from the weight of the mattress or something related to it. Though, with all the flying and falling debris, you would hurt a lot more for a lot longer if the mattress weren't there. And that is even if you survive it. When storms happen in relationships, this can ring true as well.
The relationship storm has flying debris, in the sense of lies, infidelity, abuse, or any other issue that could tear a marriage apart. These things can also cause the end of the relationship. However, just like in a real storm, truth is the mattress. It is the truth that will protect the relationship from the other flying debris. I believe that no matter what debris is flying in the relationship storm, when you tell the truth, it protects you. It may still hurt a little at that moment, but the long term pain will be much less than if it weren't there. Even if there is no guarantee, it is better safe than sorry. And, speaking from personal experience, the truth is always the best bet when you want to protect those you love.
So, whether you are in a real storm or in a metaphorical storm, remember your mattress. Don't believe in the idea that you could still cause pain, so what's the point, because you could likely suffer way more pain without that protection. And remember that when you are weathering these storms, don't leave the family on the wrong side of that mattress, they need that protection too!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Beliefs deserve respect
Never did I think a class would be so emotional. Taking college courses can be difficult, though only in the sense that I have 4 kids, 2 of them are babies and 2 are home schooled. I never thought a class would be difficult on my emotions. Though, this class is. It's Ethics and Moral Reasoning.
The great thing about the class is that our assignments are based on our own beliefs. The bad part is that other people, whether intentionally or not, tend to be harsh when disagreeing with your beliefs. I know that people won't always agree with my beliefs, but they could at least respect them.
Most of what I believe in stems from religion, though a lot of it I do have some form of personal experience with. Whether it be watching a family member or friend, or myself actually being faced with something that called my morals into question, the personal experience is used in almost all of my beliefs.
One of the topics of discussion in our class was abortion. I posted that I am Pro-Life and believe that abortion is murder. I stated scientific reasons to support it, the religious reasons to support it, then I mentioned that I had a personal experience with it. I didn't go into detail, obviously, but I let them know that I was faced with this moral question myself.
The other thing I made sure to comment on was that until that point, I was Pro-Choice. I felt a woman had the right to make that choice. I felt that a woman who was raped shouldn't be forced to carry that baby, I also felt that if it was that the woman knew she was unable to care for a baby, she should be afforded that option as well. However, that has vastly changed.
Being raped changes a person, in many many ways. I think, for me, it changed me in a good way. The beginning was really hard but it made me realize the amazing parts of life and made me wake up to the way my life was going if I didn't straighten up. It also called almost all of my beliefs and morals into question, forcing me to face situations and questions I had never faced before. It was a good and bad thing to happen to me.
After facing the abortion question, and seriously looking at it as an option, I had a choice to make. I tried to justify it the way I would have before, that I shouldn't be forced to carry a baby that was made against my will. I tried to say that my life would be better off without a constant reminder of what happened to me. I thought that adoption wasn't an option because if he found me later (or if my other kids found out), I would seem like a horrible mother for giving him away. I tried thinking of anything that made abortion seem acceptable.
In the end, I couldn't. It just wasn't acceptable. By the time I knew I was pregnant, there was already a heart beat. He was already forming arms and legs, as well as his other vital organs. He was growing, heart beating and living inside me. I was told by my most Christian friends that they would support me if I chose abortion. I would have been supported by everyone around me, because it seems in that situation people accept that as an answer. How on Earth is killing such a helpless human acceptable? It's not, it's just not. Not to me. I knew that if I were to go through with it, I would feel even worse after it than I did already. I would have felt like a murderer.
One thing I have realized, through research and history/science, is that it doesn't take much to be considered life. If scientists were to find a single cell organism on another planet, that planet would be deemed to have life. Even if it isn't currently reproducing or doing anything amazing, just being there would be considered life. Yet, babies are made and being reproducing cells immediately and at an alarming rate. The growth process and creation of a baby is just purely amazing, yet it is not considered life. The fact that science says both of these things just seems a bit backwards and hypocritical to me.
There are people who won't agree, and that is fine. I accept that, and I respect that. What another person believes isn't for me to decide. I have friends who don't believe this way, and we still get along perfectly well. I just hope that my beliefs are respected.
The great thing about the class is that our assignments are based on our own beliefs. The bad part is that other people, whether intentionally or not, tend to be harsh when disagreeing with your beliefs. I know that people won't always agree with my beliefs, but they could at least respect them.
Most of what I believe in stems from religion, though a lot of it I do have some form of personal experience with. Whether it be watching a family member or friend, or myself actually being faced with something that called my morals into question, the personal experience is used in almost all of my beliefs.
One of the topics of discussion in our class was abortion. I posted that I am Pro-Life and believe that abortion is murder. I stated scientific reasons to support it, the religious reasons to support it, then I mentioned that I had a personal experience with it. I didn't go into detail, obviously, but I let them know that I was faced with this moral question myself.
The other thing I made sure to comment on was that until that point, I was Pro-Choice. I felt a woman had the right to make that choice. I felt that a woman who was raped shouldn't be forced to carry that baby, I also felt that if it was that the woman knew she was unable to care for a baby, she should be afforded that option as well. However, that has vastly changed.
Being raped changes a person, in many many ways. I think, for me, it changed me in a good way. The beginning was really hard but it made me realize the amazing parts of life and made me wake up to the way my life was going if I didn't straighten up. It also called almost all of my beliefs and morals into question, forcing me to face situations and questions I had never faced before. It was a good and bad thing to happen to me.
After facing the abortion question, and seriously looking at it as an option, I had a choice to make. I tried to justify it the way I would have before, that I shouldn't be forced to carry a baby that was made against my will. I tried to say that my life would be better off without a constant reminder of what happened to me. I thought that adoption wasn't an option because if he found me later (or if my other kids found out), I would seem like a horrible mother for giving him away. I tried thinking of anything that made abortion seem acceptable.
In the end, I couldn't. It just wasn't acceptable. By the time I knew I was pregnant, there was already a heart beat. He was already forming arms and legs, as well as his other vital organs. He was growing, heart beating and living inside me. I was told by my most Christian friends that they would support me if I chose abortion. I would have been supported by everyone around me, because it seems in that situation people accept that as an answer. How on Earth is killing such a helpless human acceptable? It's not, it's just not. Not to me. I knew that if I were to go through with it, I would feel even worse after it than I did already. I would have felt like a murderer.
One thing I have realized, through research and history/science, is that it doesn't take much to be considered life. If scientists were to find a single cell organism on another planet, that planet would be deemed to have life. Even if it isn't currently reproducing or doing anything amazing, just being there would be considered life. Yet, babies are made and being reproducing cells immediately and at an alarming rate. The growth process and creation of a baby is just purely amazing, yet it is not considered life. The fact that science says both of these things just seems a bit backwards and hypocritical to me.
There are people who won't agree, and that is fine. I accept that, and I respect that. What another person believes isn't for me to decide. I have friends who don't believe this way, and we still get along perfectly well. I just hope that my beliefs are respected.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Dreams and Changes
A while back, when I first decided to allow God to lead my life, I was asked a question that made me think. It made me question my faith, and honestly, made me lose sight of where I wanted to go. But now, after having more time to think about it and after seeing what God has done in my life, I finally have an answer for myself.
Why would you give up the good things in your life for God? Now some of you may be thinking that God gives us all the good things, and I agree, but consider where this question is coming from. I liked to drink, flirt, and LOVED having attention. I was still a bit wild, fearing that I would miss something if I didn't keep up with other people around me.
So, for me, this question was something that dragged me back down, made me question why I would choose God over all the fun I had in my life. I wasn't ready to let go of that life yet, so the devil grabbed hold and dragged me back down. Before I knew it my marriage was about to end (what I thought I wanted), I was again seeking attention elsewhere and then SMACK. I woke up. Well, I was actually asleep, but the dream I had was exactly what I needed.
- I had teenage boys, both being popular and girl crazy. They come home from school with a girl, fighting over her. She had been flirting with them both, they both liked her but couldn't agree on who would get to "hang out" with her. So, Mom to the rescue. I asked them if they loved each other, to which they of course answered "Yes". So I explained to them that when you truly love someone, you should be willing to give up something you want to keep something you need. They looked at each other, nodded in agreement and then kicked her out.
That may not be too telling of a dream for some, but that said a lot to me. And reminded me that I may want certain things right now but what I NEED is God. So, I prayed. Apologizing for my actions and turning my back on him, and asking for his help in getting my life back in order. First thing, my marriage.
Obviously everything has worked out, that was 3 years ago. My marriage is going wonderfully and my walk with Christ continues. I've had a rough past, one that I am not proud of anymore, but I am growing and learning about how to be a better person than I was. Taking God's word and understanding that he gave up his life (something I am sure he would have liked to keep) for me, so I can give up the things I think I want now and let him guide me to the things I need!
I still get judged for my past. By people who knew me and by people who find out. That is okay. I wasn't a good person and I can understand why it would take someone time to trust who I am trying to become. It happens. But I rest assured knowing that God has forgiven me and has a plan. Whether his plan is to use my past to help someone else, or whether it is just to make me that much more obedient because I've been at the worst, I am ready to find out!
His blessings are many if you allow him to bless you! He can change your life if you let him. I did, will you?
Why would you give up the good things in your life for God? Now some of you may be thinking that God gives us all the good things, and I agree, but consider where this question is coming from. I liked to drink, flirt, and LOVED having attention. I was still a bit wild, fearing that I would miss something if I didn't keep up with other people around me.
So, for me, this question was something that dragged me back down, made me question why I would choose God over all the fun I had in my life. I wasn't ready to let go of that life yet, so the devil grabbed hold and dragged me back down. Before I knew it my marriage was about to end (what I thought I wanted), I was again seeking attention elsewhere and then SMACK. I woke up. Well, I was actually asleep, but the dream I had was exactly what I needed.
- I had teenage boys, both being popular and girl crazy. They come home from school with a girl, fighting over her. She had been flirting with them both, they both liked her but couldn't agree on who would get to "hang out" with her. So, Mom to the rescue. I asked them if they loved each other, to which they of course answered "Yes". So I explained to them that when you truly love someone, you should be willing to give up something you want to keep something you need. They looked at each other, nodded in agreement and then kicked her out.
That may not be too telling of a dream for some, but that said a lot to me. And reminded me that I may want certain things right now but what I NEED is God. So, I prayed. Apologizing for my actions and turning my back on him, and asking for his help in getting my life back in order. First thing, my marriage.
Obviously everything has worked out, that was 3 years ago. My marriage is going wonderfully and my walk with Christ continues. I've had a rough past, one that I am not proud of anymore, but I am growing and learning about how to be a better person than I was. Taking God's word and understanding that he gave up his life (something I am sure he would have liked to keep) for me, so I can give up the things I think I want now and let him guide me to the things I need!
I still get judged for my past. By people who knew me and by people who find out. That is okay. I wasn't a good person and I can understand why it would take someone time to trust who I am trying to become. It happens. But I rest assured knowing that God has forgiven me and has a plan. Whether his plan is to use my past to help someone else, or whether it is just to make me that much more obedient because I've been at the worst, I am ready to find out!
His blessings are many if you allow him to bless you! He can change your life if you let him. I did, will you?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Our Home School Venture!
Being a military family, we move around. There is really no guarantee how many (or how few) times we could move between now and the end of my husband's career. This alone puts strain on our children's education. Going from state to state, country to country, school to school. Each state has their own standards, each school having their own sets of standards. No two states are alike, making our moves more difficult to ensure a stable, and optimal, education for our children.
Add to that all of the scary things happening in schools today, kids getting in trouble for normal child development actions and the testing that does absolutely no good for any child, I do not feel that education benefits the future for our children. It only helps them take a test, to show the government who can and can't test well.
For these reasons, I decided to start home schooling the boys. They deserve to learn at their pace, with more focused help and not only taught what they test on. They shouldn't be limited in their development and they definitely shouldn't be punished for being normal.
Home schooling them isn't going to be easy. I will have to teach them things I may not even know. I will have to make them focus on days they don't want to work. I will have to come up with learning activities to make things fun, because learning should be fun. All this while trying to also entertain a toddler and a baby.
I am excited, though scared, of this venture. I do believe it will be rewarding for all of us in the long run, though. I look forward to teaching them, learning WITH them and being there through every stage of their development!
I love my children, this is just another way for me to prove that! I hope to share this venture with our friends and family as we move through it!
Our start is simple. We just arrived at our new home, so we are beginning slow. I got some workbooks for their grade level and will work on that with them to finish out this school year. We will take the summer off, just like normal school. Then, we will begin again in late August. I will post pictures and stories of how things go during our experiences! I'm excited!!!
Add to that all of the scary things happening in schools today, kids getting in trouble for normal child development actions and the testing that does absolutely no good for any child, I do not feel that education benefits the future for our children. It only helps them take a test, to show the government who can and can't test well.
For these reasons, I decided to start home schooling the boys. They deserve to learn at their pace, with more focused help and not only taught what they test on. They shouldn't be limited in their development and they definitely shouldn't be punished for being normal.
Home schooling them isn't going to be easy. I will have to teach them things I may not even know. I will have to make them focus on days they don't want to work. I will have to come up with learning activities to make things fun, because learning should be fun. All this while trying to also entertain a toddler and a baby.
I am excited, though scared, of this venture. I do believe it will be rewarding for all of us in the long run, though. I look forward to teaching them, learning WITH them and being there through every stage of their development!
I love my children, this is just another way for me to prove that! I hope to share this venture with our friends and family as we move through it!
Our start is simple. We just arrived at our new home, so we are beginning slow. I got some workbooks for their grade level and will work on that with them to finish out this school year. We will take the summer off, just like normal school. Then, we will begin again in late August. I will post pictures and stories of how things go during our experiences! I'm excited!!!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
How Rape Changed Our Lives
Fear, anger, resentment, humiliation, defeat, depression. Those are just a few of the emotions I felt, in one whirlwind. Though, I believe almost anyone would have in my position.
There I was, about 5 days late. I had no reason to be late. My husband was out of the country and I had been faithful. Why was I late? A few more days went by. I was overly tired, not feeling well and literally sleeping on tours in Germany that I should have wanted to be awake through. So, at day seven I gave in and took the test. I was fully expecting a negative, there was just absolutely no way I could be pregnant. But...
I was. The test confirmed it.
A few weeks earlier I had gone out with a friend. A very trusted friend that was basically part of the family, someone I trusted with my life. I had some drinks and blacked out. When I woke up the next morning, I suspected something happened but I ignored my gut, mostly. I did talk to the doctor and got Plan B, but I still really didn't believe my gut. I just thought maybe if I took the pills, I would feel better about it and forget about it.
Well, apparently Plan B didn't work. I was pregnant. There was the proof, the proof that my gut was right. The proof that I trusted a person that abused that trust, our friendship and my vulnerability. But... How do I not remember? How did it happen? Did he think I wanted it? Was I passed out? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? That was all I could think about. Well, along with the thoughts that my marriage was surely over now.
My head was an absolute mess. You know those shows and movies on TV with the people who have severe mental disorders? That is exactly how I felt; like those shows and movies make the crazy people appear.
The first thing I did was cry, scream and scare the heck out of my kids and two of my closest friends. Once I settled down, I immediately began researching abortions. I lived in Germany at the time and I had no clue how or where to get an abortion there. But I was sure on a mission to find out. The first contact information I could find was for a pregnancy crisis center, so I called it. All I wanted was to know where I needed to go to get an abortion done. That's it. Well, that wasn't the purpose of this center. Their purpose was to educate and counsel women on options other than abortion, to hopefully change their minds with the word of God.
Hah. I didn't want to hear any of it. I just wanted an abortion. I told them what I knew about what happened and told them that I wanted to abort. I was told that if that was what I wanted, they couldn't stop me but did ask if they could pray over and for me and at least talk with me more about it. I agreed. Because come to find out, in Germany, they require counseling before they will preform one. This would count as my counseling. Sure, I can sit through this stuff and get what I need so that I can get that abortion.
Well, almost immediately I felt that heart tug. You know, that one you get when you KNOW you are making a wrong decision. Well, I ignored it and continued on for an abortion. I thought that I could just have the abortion, not tell anyone and no one would ever know. I could have easily hidden it, acted like nothing ever happened. The only thing, I couldn't lie to my husband. He needed to know, he deserved to know. So, I knew I needed to somehow tell him this.
What was I going to tell my husband? Could I not tell him? Could I hide it and lie to him? Should I wait to tell him? Should I tell him right now? HOW DO I TELL HIM THIS??? WILL HE BELIEVE ME?
I don't even remember how I told him, I just did. I don't remember his initial reaction but I do remember him asking me when I was going to get rid of "it". I told him that I was already looking into it and getting the counseling I needed, per German law. It was settled.
The more and more counseling I received, the more I felt that tug on my heart. The more and more I looked at my other three children, the more I felt that tug on my heart. So, I started listening to it, just a little. What if I couldn't abort? What would my husband think? Would he leave me? How would I explain that to people? How would I explain that to my kids? So many new questions.
After asking my husband the "what if" I can't abort, he said that he wouldn't/couldn't force me and would support my decision. He just felt that it was the easier thing to do, to save us all from heartache.
So, after weeks of struggling with the thought of abortion, I chose to continue the pregnancy.
I went through some really rough stuff in the weeks following. I got into regular counseling, to figure out everything. I even wanted to try to remember what exactly happened. Plus, the counselor I had felt I was in extreme need of help and helped me get my husband home.
The scariest part of him coming home was the fear of how he would feel about me once he saw me. Saw me pregnant by another man. Saw me the way I was. I was terrified. He already blamed me, and who could blame him. Who could really blame him for questioning if he could believe me? Who could blame him for being angry at me for drinking that night, drinking too much apparently. I sure can't {even today} blame him for those feelings.
The first few days of him being home were awkward. He didn't want to touch me, look at me, nothing. I was cold between us, ice cold. I knew it, I'd lost him. It was the hardest thing, feeling so disgusting to the man I loved, feeling like I was his burden or feeling like at any moment he would be asking me to get out. I felt disgusting, and like I didn't even deserve to even be there with him.
As time went on, I continued to pray. Had others praying. Trying to trust God. I was looking at families to adopt my baby. I thought that adoption was a great idea. I had three families that I liked. One in Germany, one in Florida and one in Georgia. All three families were great, though each had their own drawbacks that made things tough for me. I wanted to leave Germany early, making adopting to a family there a lot harder. The couple in Florida were amazing but I don't think I would have had support from everyone I needed support from. And the family in Georgia, well, they were really the ones I prayed would adopt my baby. I really just felt they would offer my child the best home while still allowing me some part in their lives. So, we all kept praying.
Things slowly started getting better between my husband and I. We even became intimate again, which was a huge step for us both. I started to look pregnant, but he didn't seem to be phased by that. He loved me again, and it was slowly becoming wonderful.
My OB appointments started getting harder and harder. The first appointment I broke down and cried when I saw the ultrasound and heard the heart beat. So each time, hearing the heart beat, it just started to get to me. I started thinking that I wasn't so sure about adoption. This was MY baby. Couldn't I just keep him?
I brought up the question to my husband. Well, saying that he wasn't too thrilled is an understatement. He didn't understand why I would want to keep him, why I would want that constant reminder. Honestly, though, I didn't understand it either. But, this was my 5th pregnancy. I had 3 children already and had an ectopic pregnancy a couple years prior. I knew what pregnancy and the birthing process entailed. I knew that bond that forms between mother and child. But I also knew loss of a child.
I also questioned what we would tell our kids when they wonder where the baby in mommy's tummy went. What we would tell this child if he came to find us? Just all that what if questions. My husband even told me that he wasn't sure he could stay with me if I chose to keep the baby. And again, who could blame him?
So, again, for WEEKS, I struggled with this decision. However, with prayer and really, REALLY trying to see God's plan for my life, I chose to keep my child! I did so knowing that I was risking my marriage, but I also did so firmly believing that God had his plans and that I was only following his plan for me. I was a little scared but I believed that God was there, guiding me, and would make sure everything was how it should be!
Things in our marriage continued to get better. The couple I considered for adoption in Germany found out they were expecting their own baby. The couple in Florida ended up adopting before I even gave birth and the family in Georgia still had a foster baby in their care. All of that proves, to me anyway, that I made the right choice! Everything was as it should be.
Then it came time to have my baby. I was SCARED TO DEATH. I was scared that I wouldn't love him, scared that things would be different for him, scared that my husband would reject him. I chose to do a medication free labor. And after a stressful pregnancy (I was on bed rest at 31 weeks on due to chronic placenta abruption), it was the best choice! I did have to get induced, though, so pitocin was the only stuff I got. I had 1 shot of fentanyl at the very end, just enough so that I didn't care about the pain anymore, because it was surely painful. But I was proud, a very short time after they broke my water, Jonathen was born. And this mama was in love!
Jonathen is a blessing. My husband and I have worked through a lot the last year, been through a lot and come out stronger. We still don't have a perfect marriage but we definitely have love! This situation tested us, tested us in ways I would never wish on any relationship. But because we trusted God, let Him lead us, we have reaped the benefits of it! We have an amazing family, love that makes other people sick sometimes and a friendship that I've never had before.
I do thank God every day, for every lessons I've learned and every blessing that came from this. Our lives have changed dramatically. Our family is stronger, our love and friendship is and I think we both have a new appreciation for God and for each other. If this story can be used to help just one person, I think it was all worth it.
There I was, about 5 days late. I had no reason to be late. My husband was out of the country and I had been faithful. Why was I late? A few more days went by. I was overly tired, not feeling well and literally sleeping on tours in Germany that I should have wanted to be awake through. So, at day seven I gave in and took the test. I was fully expecting a negative, there was just absolutely no way I could be pregnant. But...
I was. The test confirmed it.
A few weeks earlier I had gone out with a friend. A very trusted friend that was basically part of the family, someone I trusted with my life. I had some drinks and blacked out. When I woke up the next morning, I suspected something happened but I ignored my gut, mostly. I did talk to the doctor and got Plan B, but I still really didn't believe my gut. I just thought maybe if I took the pills, I would feel better about it and forget about it.
Well, apparently Plan B didn't work. I was pregnant. There was the proof, the proof that my gut was right. The proof that I trusted a person that abused that trust, our friendship and my vulnerability. But... How do I not remember? How did it happen? Did he think I wanted it? Was I passed out? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? That was all I could think about. Well, along with the thoughts that my marriage was surely over now.
My head was an absolute mess. You know those shows and movies on TV with the people who have severe mental disorders? That is exactly how I felt; like those shows and movies make the crazy people appear.
The first thing I did was cry, scream and scare the heck out of my kids and two of my closest friends. Once I settled down, I immediately began researching abortions. I lived in Germany at the time and I had no clue how or where to get an abortion there. But I was sure on a mission to find out. The first contact information I could find was for a pregnancy crisis center, so I called it. All I wanted was to know where I needed to go to get an abortion done. That's it. Well, that wasn't the purpose of this center. Their purpose was to educate and counsel women on options other than abortion, to hopefully change their minds with the word of God.
Hah. I didn't want to hear any of it. I just wanted an abortion. I told them what I knew about what happened and told them that I wanted to abort. I was told that if that was what I wanted, they couldn't stop me but did ask if they could pray over and for me and at least talk with me more about it. I agreed. Because come to find out, in Germany, they require counseling before they will preform one. This would count as my counseling. Sure, I can sit through this stuff and get what I need so that I can get that abortion.
Well, almost immediately I felt that heart tug. You know, that one you get when you KNOW you are making a wrong decision. Well, I ignored it and continued on for an abortion. I thought that I could just have the abortion, not tell anyone and no one would ever know. I could have easily hidden it, acted like nothing ever happened. The only thing, I couldn't lie to my husband. He needed to know, he deserved to know. So, I knew I needed to somehow tell him this.
What was I going to tell my husband? Could I not tell him? Could I hide it and lie to him? Should I wait to tell him? Should I tell him right now? HOW DO I TELL HIM THIS??? WILL HE BELIEVE ME?
I don't even remember how I told him, I just did. I don't remember his initial reaction but I do remember him asking me when I was going to get rid of "it". I told him that I was already looking into it and getting the counseling I needed, per German law. It was settled.
The more and more counseling I received, the more I felt that tug on my heart. The more and more I looked at my other three children, the more I felt that tug on my heart. So, I started listening to it, just a little. What if I couldn't abort? What would my husband think? Would he leave me? How would I explain that to people? How would I explain that to my kids? So many new questions.
After asking my husband the "what if" I can't abort, he said that he wouldn't/couldn't force me and would support my decision. He just felt that it was the easier thing to do, to save us all from heartache.
So, after weeks of struggling with the thought of abortion, I chose to continue the pregnancy.
I went through some really rough stuff in the weeks following. I got into regular counseling, to figure out everything. I even wanted to try to remember what exactly happened. Plus, the counselor I had felt I was in extreme need of help and helped me get my husband home.
The scariest part of him coming home was the fear of how he would feel about me once he saw me. Saw me pregnant by another man. Saw me the way I was. I was terrified. He already blamed me, and who could blame him. Who could really blame him for questioning if he could believe me? Who could blame him for being angry at me for drinking that night, drinking too much apparently. I sure can't {even today} blame him for those feelings.
The first few days of him being home were awkward. He didn't want to touch me, look at me, nothing. I was cold between us, ice cold. I knew it, I'd lost him. It was the hardest thing, feeling so disgusting to the man I loved, feeling like I was his burden or feeling like at any moment he would be asking me to get out. I felt disgusting, and like I didn't even deserve to even be there with him.
As time went on, I continued to pray. Had others praying. Trying to trust God. I was looking at families to adopt my baby. I thought that adoption was a great idea. I had three families that I liked. One in Germany, one in Florida and one in Georgia. All three families were great, though each had their own drawbacks that made things tough for me. I wanted to leave Germany early, making adopting to a family there a lot harder. The couple in Florida were amazing but I don't think I would have had support from everyone I needed support from. And the family in Georgia, well, they were really the ones I prayed would adopt my baby. I really just felt they would offer my child the best home while still allowing me some part in their lives. So, we all kept praying.
Things slowly started getting better between my husband and I. We even became intimate again, which was a huge step for us both. I started to look pregnant, but he didn't seem to be phased by that. He loved me again, and it was slowly becoming wonderful.
My OB appointments started getting harder and harder. The first appointment I broke down and cried when I saw the ultrasound and heard the heart beat. So each time, hearing the heart beat, it just started to get to me. I started thinking that I wasn't so sure about adoption. This was MY baby. Couldn't I just keep him?
I brought up the question to my husband. Well, saying that he wasn't too thrilled is an understatement. He didn't understand why I would want to keep him, why I would want that constant reminder. Honestly, though, I didn't understand it either. But, this was my 5th pregnancy. I had 3 children already and had an ectopic pregnancy a couple years prior. I knew what pregnancy and the birthing process entailed. I knew that bond that forms between mother and child. But I also knew loss of a child.
I also questioned what we would tell our kids when they wonder where the baby in mommy's tummy went. What we would tell this child if he came to find us? Just all that what if questions. My husband even told me that he wasn't sure he could stay with me if I chose to keep the baby. And again, who could blame him?
So, again, for WEEKS, I struggled with this decision. However, with prayer and really, REALLY trying to see God's plan for my life, I chose to keep my child! I did so knowing that I was risking my marriage, but I also did so firmly believing that God had his plans and that I was only following his plan for me. I was a little scared but I believed that God was there, guiding me, and would make sure everything was how it should be!
Things in our marriage continued to get better. The couple I considered for adoption in Germany found out they were expecting their own baby. The couple in Florida ended up adopting before I even gave birth and the family in Georgia still had a foster baby in their care. All of that proves, to me anyway, that I made the right choice! Everything was as it should be.
Then it came time to have my baby. I was SCARED TO DEATH. I was scared that I wouldn't love him, scared that things would be different for him, scared that my husband would reject him. I chose to do a medication free labor. And after a stressful pregnancy (I was on bed rest at 31 weeks on due to chronic placenta abruption), it was the best choice! I did have to get induced, though, so pitocin was the only stuff I got. I had 1 shot of fentanyl at the very end, just enough so that I didn't care about the pain anymore, because it was surely painful. But I was proud, a very short time after they broke my water, Jonathen was born. And this mama was in love!
Jonathen is a blessing. My husband and I have worked through a lot the last year, been through a lot and come out stronger. We still don't have a perfect marriage but we definitely have love! This situation tested us, tested us in ways I would never wish on any relationship. But because we trusted God, let Him lead us, we have reaped the benefits of it! We have an amazing family, love that makes other people sick sometimes and a friendship that I've never had before.
I do thank God every day, for every lessons I've learned and every blessing that came from this. Our lives have changed dramatically. Our family is stronger, our love and friendship is and I think we both have a new appreciation for God and for each other. If this story can be used to help just one person, I think it was all worth it.
Friday, April 12, 2013
I am not a rape victim, I am a rape survivor!
Something happened to me last night. I stepped out of my denial and admitted one important thing I had been trying to deny; I was raped. It may not have been the forceful, physically harmful rape that most people believe it to be, but it was still rape.
Society wants people to believe that if a woman dresses a certain way, acts a certain way or drinks alcohol, they deserve what happens to them. Society says that those women bring rape upon themselves, causing it to happen. People are raised to believe that if you go to a bar, drink a couple beers and dance with a guy that you have consented to whatever he wants to do with you. I am here to argue that, with everything I have.
While I agree that girls/women (men too) need to be educated on how to help prevent rape, society should be educated on what consent means and when consent is not valid. For example, a 12 year old does not have the ability to consent, so even if they say Yes, their consent is NOT valid and it is rape. Most states now even view alcohol use as debilitating, making consent invalid.
When I thought of rape, I thought of a woman beaten up and physically forced into it. I thought of someone specifically saying NO and it being ignored. I thought of a child who was to scared not to. I didn't think of a person who was out drinking and couldn't remember anything. I used to always say, and firmly believe, that alcohol was no excuse. I was a part of the society that believed a drunk woman brought it on herself. Boy did my wake-up call come as the hardest smack in my face.
It took me this long, a little over a year, to fully admit {and say} that I was raped. I was raped by someone I knew and was really close friends with. Because of the trust I had in him, I allowed myself to be in a vulnerable situation in which he took full advantage of. I survived it and I refuse to be a victim.
I think that part of why I am finally able to admit it is because I know, without a doubt, that he was fully aware that it would have never happened had I been sober. He KNEW, because I told him I wouldn't, when I was sober. So, because he knew that I wouldn't do it sober, he waited. I don't even know if it was truly intentional or not. I don't truly know if he always had the intention of doing it, all I know is that he did. And now that he has been denying it for a year, I can only believe that it is because he has something to hide, or knew full well that what he did was wrong and intentional.
Not having any memory of it, I believe, has also played some part in not being able to admit it for so long. Even though there is definite proof, it's hard to admit something that you can't even remember happened. I have had flashes of non-visual memories, but nothing that is near enough to really know how things happened. I remember feelings or thoughts, but no actions, no verbal words. Though, some days I feel that I got it easy because I don't remember.
The unfortunate part is that not everyone in my life truly understands rape. Because I do have a sexual past, there are people who don't agree it was rape because I was drunk and [probably] asked for it. They believe that if I was willing, no matter how intoxicated I was, that it justifies him helping himself. I used to agree to this, I honestly did. Now, though, I see that it doesn't matter. I am even at the point now that I don't care if a person strips down and BEGS for it, if they are intoxicated and had specifically said they would never do it while they were still sober, the person commits rape if they take advantage knowing it would never happen any other way, or time.
Admitting this was, and is, the hardest things I've had to do. Though, I am about to delve through the story, posting my most vulnerable time with the world. It's about to get thick. I just want my story out there. Hopefully helping someone out there who may be in a similar situation and just needs to know that someone has been there and has survived.
Society wants people to believe that if a woman dresses a certain way, acts a certain way or drinks alcohol, they deserve what happens to them. Society says that those women bring rape upon themselves, causing it to happen. People are raised to believe that if you go to a bar, drink a couple beers and dance with a guy that you have consented to whatever he wants to do with you. I am here to argue that, with everything I have.
While I agree that girls/women (men too) need to be educated on how to help prevent rape, society should be educated on what consent means and when consent is not valid. For example, a 12 year old does not have the ability to consent, so even if they say Yes, their consent is NOT valid and it is rape. Most states now even view alcohol use as debilitating, making consent invalid.
When I thought of rape, I thought of a woman beaten up and physically forced into it. I thought of someone specifically saying NO and it being ignored. I thought of a child who was to scared not to. I didn't think of a person who was out drinking and couldn't remember anything. I used to always say, and firmly believe, that alcohol was no excuse. I was a part of the society that believed a drunk woman brought it on herself. Boy did my wake-up call come as the hardest smack in my face.
It took me this long, a little over a year, to fully admit {and say} that I was raped. I was raped by someone I knew and was really close friends with. Because of the trust I had in him, I allowed myself to be in a vulnerable situation in which he took full advantage of. I survived it and I refuse to be a victim.
I think that part of why I am finally able to admit it is because I know, without a doubt, that he was fully aware that it would have never happened had I been sober. He KNEW, because I told him I wouldn't, when I was sober. So, because he knew that I wouldn't do it sober, he waited. I don't even know if it was truly intentional or not. I don't truly know if he always had the intention of doing it, all I know is that he did. And now that he has been denying it for a year, I can only believe that it is because he has something to hide, or knew full well that what he did was wrong and intentional.
Not having any memory of it, I believe, has also played some part in not being able to admit it for so long. Even though there is definite proof, it's hard to admit something that you can't even remember happened. I have had flashes of non-visual memories, but nothing that is near enough to really know how things happened. I remember feelings or thoughts, but no actions, no verbal words. Though, some days I feel that I got it easy because I don't remember.
The unfortunate part is that not everyone in my life truly understands rape. Because I do have a sexual past, there are people who don't agree it was rape because I was drunk and [probably] asked for it. They believe that if I was willing, no matter how intoxicated I was, that it justifies him helping himself. I used to agree to this, I honestly did. Now, though, I see that it doesn't matter. I am even at the point now that I don't care if a person strips down and BEGS for it, if they are intoxicated and had specifically said they would never do it while they were still sober, the person commits rape if they take advantage knowing it would never happen any other way, or time.
Admitting this was, and is, the hardest things I've had to do. Though, I am about to delve through the story, posting my most vulnerable time with the world. It's about to get thick. I just want my story out there. Hopefully helping someone out there who may be in a similar situation and just needs to know that someone has been there and has survived.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Freedom in Forgiveness
To forgive is to stop being angry/hurt/resentful over a mistake or flaw, whether in another person or in one's self. Forgiveness is NOT meant to excuse behaviors of others, it is to free YOURSELF from their damaging hold. Forgiveness is not easy, but allows you to feel better and to move on.
After seeing the (above) shared photo on Facebook about forgiveness, I decided to write about it. I am not a forgiveness expert, but I do know a little about it. Over my lifetime I have had to forgive many people, for many different things. Whether it be simply hurting my feelings or a physical hurt, or even indirect things that affected me in one way or another, I had some practice with forgiveness. However, over the last year I have learned way more about forgiveness than I ever needed throughout the rest of my life.
I was assaulted, raped, by a person I trusted. Not just a friend, someone that was treated as part of our family. For months I was angry and hurt. I was angry at him for doing it and hurt that he would do that. I was angry at myself for drinking and putting myself in a situation that allowed it to happen and for not being able to stop it or change it. After some time I was even angry at myself for not having memory of it, not being able to say with 110% certainty what and how it happened... and EXTREMELY ANGRY that I got pregnant from it. (I wasn't even fully aware anything had happened until I found out that I was pregnant... I had suspicions but because I trusted him like I would a family member, I ignored my gut).
I went through so many emotions in those first months, it was unreal. I wanted to just hold on to all of the anger and I wanted to just hate the heck out of him. I wanted revenge, I wanted him to hurt and suffer the way I was hurting and suffering. I just wished him ill, daily, for months. I wanted to not be pregnant, to not have to face my husband, and for it all to just go away. It was a pretty dark few months.
Finally, I did turn it all over to God. I allowed Him to work in my life, rather than allowing my own feelings and regrets continue to cloud my judgements. The first part was forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for drinking, being out and even forgiving myself for trusting him. For weeks I had to wake up and make a conscience decision to forgive myself. To not let my actions continue to hurt me.
Once that was more instinct than conscience decisions, I decided I needed to forgive him as well. He took advantage, not only of my trust but of my inebriated state of mind. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness but I deserve the freedom. So, even to this day, I make the conscience decision, DAILY, to forgive him. It is hard to do, and some days I want to be angry and not forgive him, but I do it anyway. And every day I free myself from the hurt and anger he put in my life!
The other part is Jonathen. Jonathen was a blessing that came out of what happened. I didn't know that right away, but he has definitely been a blessing. So, every day when I look at his face, he gives me one more perfect reason to forgive this man for what he did. Jonathen, and my other children, deserve much better than an angry, resentful mother. So, every day I wake up, forgiving this man, for myself and for my family.
I may not have it down today, but I will someday. And I am become more free with each day that I choose to forgive!
After seeing the (above) shared photo on Facebook about forgiveness, I decided to write about it. I am not a forgiveness expert, but I do know a little about it. Over my lifetime I have had to forgive many people, for many different things. Whether it be simply hurting my feelings or a physical hurt, or even indirect things that affected me in one way or another, I had some practice with forgiveness. However, over the last year I have learned way more about forgiveness than I ever needed throughout the rest of my life.
I was assaulted, raped, by a person I trusted. Not just a friend, someone that was treated as part of our family. For months I was angry and hurt. I was angry at him for doing it and hurt that he would do that. I was angry at myself for drinking and putting myself in a situation that allowed it to happen and for not being able to stop it or change it. After some time I was even angry at myself for not having memory of it, not being able to say with 110% certainty what and how it happened... and EXTREMELY ANGRY that I got pregnant from it. (I wasn't even fully aware anything had happened until I found out that I was pregnant... I had suspicions but because I trusted him like I would a family member, I ignored my gut).
I went through so many emotions in those first months, it was unreal. I wanted to just hold on to all of the anger and I wanted to just hate the heck out of him. I wanted revenge, I wanted him to hurt and suffer the way I was hurting and suffering. I just wished him ill, daily, for months. I wanted to not be pregnant, to not have to face my husband, and for it all to just go away. It was a pretty dark few months.
Finally, I did turn it all over to God. I allowed Him to work in my life, rather than allowing my own feelings and regrets continue to cloud my judgements. The first part was forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for drinking, being out and even forgiving myself for trusting him. For weeks I had to wake up and make a conscience decision to forgive myself. To not let my actions continue to hurt me.
Once that was more instinct than conscience decisions, I decided I needed to forgive him as well. He took advantage, not only of my trust but of my inebriated state of mind. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness but I deserve the freedom. So, even to this day, I make the conscience decision, DAILY, to forgive him. It is hard to do, and some days I want to be angry and not forgive him, but I do it anyway. And every day I free myself from the hurt and anger he put in my life!
The other part is Jonathen. Jonathen was a blessing that came out of what happened. I didn't know that right away, but he has definitely been a blessing. So, every day when I look at his face, he gives me one more perfect reason to forgive this man for what he did. Jonathen, and my other children, deserve much better than an angry, resentful mother. So, every day I wake up, forgiving this man, for myself and for my family.
I may not have it down today, but I will someday. And I am become more free with each day that I choose to forgive!
To say that the last few weeks have been crazy would be and understatement! All of our belongings packed and taken, moving out of {what had been} our home of two years, sending our vehicles over the ocean on a boat and bringing our kids on a wild and crazy adventure has been what our last few weeks have been all about! Military life, easily bundled under all of that. Though, unless you are military, you will never fully understand or comprehend the full extend of what that entails.
Though, after an interesting family visit and LOTS of driving, we are finally where we will be making a new home for the next couple years. We should be getting most of our belongings back next week! We get the keys to our house on Monday and our household goods delivered Wednesday! I am hoping to get my van tomorrow, though, possibly not until Monday. Fil should have his car next week some time, as well! Our lives should be settling down and getting back to "normal" very soon!
However, a "normal" day for us is changing. Just as the rest has changed, our daily routines and schedules are changing too! I have decided to home school the boys! I am extremely nervous, yet very excited, about this choice! I have always wanted to be a teacher, just not in a formal classroom, so this is PERFECT! Plus, I think more 1-on-1 will be better for them as well! I can't wait to truly get started with it!
I am beyond excited about what is in store for us in this new chapter of our lives! So many changes and a whole new start! I know God is on our side :)
Though, after an interesting family visit and LOTS of driving, we are finally where we will be making a new home for the next couple years. We should be getting most of our belongings back next week! We get the keys to our house on Monday and our household goods delivered Wednesday! I am hoping to get my van tomorrow, though, possibly not until Monday. Fil should have his car next week some time, as well! Our lives should be settling down and getting back to "normal" very soon!
However, a "normal" day for us is changing. Just as the rest has changed, our daily routines and schedules are changing too! I have decided to home school the boys! I am extremely nervous, yet very excited, about this choice! I have always wanted to be a teacher, just not in a formal classroom, so this is PERFECT! Plus, I think more 1-on-1 will be better for them as well! I can't wait to truly get started with it!
I am beyond excited about what is in store for us in this new chapter of our lives! So many changes and a whole new start! I know God is on our side :)
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