Avocado Surprises

Some of you may laugh at this... and quite honestly, I get it, BUT... I had never tried avocado before outside of guacamole once or twice that I didn't care for.  So, I just assumed I would like it in any form.  However, this journey has me trying new things.  Avocado is just the beginning of what I will be trying!

Today, I decided to go ahead and get some groceries and start eating better, even before my group offically begins.  Avocado was one of the main things on my list.  I was worried... almost scared to even try it.  I even almost put them back before leaving the store.  Yep... trying new things is not exactly what I am known for over here. But, I got them... and I am glad I did!

After asking a friend the best way to try it, she recommended on toast with tomatoes and a little salt and pepper.  Okay... It didn't sound very appitizing to me, but let's do it! 

I mashed up 1/4 avocado, sliced 1/4 of a large tomato, and put it on toasted multi grain sandwich thins.  I held my breath and took the first bite.  WOW!!!  It was incredibly yummy!  To say I was surprised is an understatement.  I ate 2 of them, along with the 2 1/2 extra slices of tomato on the plate, and feel extremely full!  That will definitely be a go-to lunch.  Super easy, fast, and very filling!

And if you are still laughing at me because you already knew avocado was amazing, I am open to good recipes using it! 

My Body is HIS Temple

It has been an incredibly long time since I have written anything! Almost an entire year.  Whew! What a crazy year it has been, too!

Nothing major has occurred, just a lot of little things.  The biggest thing is that my sister moved in with us!  It has been a hard adjustment for everyone, but I think we are getting along pretty well considering we usually fight within days while visiting.  However, it hasn't gone exactly as we had hoped and may be coming to an end in the spring.  I am a little sad about that, as I really do enjoy having family with us, but I understand her needs and those not being met here.

Another thing that happened two weeks ago was I had my tonsils removed.  While it was a necessary procedure for my constant illnesses, it has been a rough two weeks.  The only good thing to come of it was losing some weight and finally reaching a number I thought was out of reach.  That little bit - though not just a little, almost 15lbs - has rebooted my desire to get back into a healthier state of living.  I used to be fit.  Having kids has rocked my body, though it has really just been an excuse to be lazy and eat like crap.  I am going on a journey to try to undo all the crap I have done!

Next week will begin a 4-week fitness and health change (I am starting now, but the group I am starting doesn't start til next week) with a friend that has inspired me through her progress and lifestyle changes.  I know it isn't going to be easy, and I am going to need my friends and family to support and encourage me as I go through it.  I will be trying a lot of foods I have never eaten before, and possibly eating things I don't really care for.  But, I am willing to give this a try to take charge of my health for once in my life!

I want to share that journey with you.  I want to share my progress, my struggles, and my success!  I hope you will stick with me through it!  

My body is God's temple!  This is my journey to caring for that temple the way I should!

What Our Homeschool Family Needs

I see all the facebook statuses. You know, the ones of the kids dressed really cute for their first day of school.  I see the comments the parents make about being so glad the day has finally come for their kids to go back to school.  YAY!!!  I am so glad everyone is excited to go back to school!!!

Then you have homeschoolers.  You know, the ones that take back to school pictures in their pjs, sitting at the kitchen table or on the living room floor.  Everyone so excited to get back to it!  YAY!!!  I am so glad everyone is excited to go back to school!!!

But then, you see the comments from both sides about how they don't understand the other parents decision.  Homeschool moms can't understand the excitement to get rid of your kids all day... public school parents can't understand the need to be with your kids all day.  Though there are many reasons to not understand the other side, that seems to be the most of what I see and hear.

Then, you have people just flat out disagree with homeschool.  They think the kids NEED to be around other kids all day to be happy.  They think they need to learn from another person.  They even think that mom simply needs a break from kids and sending them to school is the perfect way to get that break.  

I can't speak for all homeschool families, but I can speak for my own... 

I do NOT need a break from my kids every single day.  Nor do my kids NEED to be around other kids all day.  Nor do they need to learn from another person.  What my kids need is love, attention, and someone to care about their education.  I do all of that, PLUS SOME!  

"But what about socialization"? Oh please... have you beed to a school recently? Tell me when, exactly, do they get to socialize?  Recess?  Well, that's only if the parents didn't forget to sign their folder and they are made to sit out that day.  Lunch? Try again, if it gets too loud they are then forced to sit in silence.  Socialization happens when they socialize... not just because they happened to sit in a room full of silent people.

"But you don't have a degree, what could you possibly teach them"?  Now, this question bothers me.  So, I need a degree to teach my own kids? Should we start requiring this at first sign of pregnancy?  I mean, we begin teaching our children at birth: how to sit, stand, walk, talk, eat, etc.  Then, we teach them to count, say the alphabet, and often times read.  Yeah, let's start requiring parents to have a degree to teach their kids...

Ok, so now you see the issue with that... great... but still think to teach any kind of "formal" education I should have a degree?   What if I told you I began to get my degree in education.  I have taken both lower and upper level courses, because I was pursuing my teaching degree.  Would that change your mind?  GREAT!  Now... what if I said that it was those classes that were exactly the reason I chose to homeschool?  Education isn't what it used to be.  I promise you that.  There are some really amazing teachers that do care with everything they have... but then there are these standards that could make any teacher overwhelmed and give up, even on her students.  

Plus, something I learned in my fancy education classes is that children are 98% more likely to do well in their studies when they are given 1-on-1 attention, feel loved, and feel safe in their learning environment.  I feel that I can provide that for my kids, and schools just can't.  

Now... I write all of this with purpose.  I know that many still won't agree with our decision to homeschool.  That's fine.  But I am here, asking for you to at least support us through our journey.  We are going to have bad days.  We will have hard days.  We will have days that we get nothing done, but we will also have days we get more done than planned.  We will butt heads, we will get frustrated and want to give up... and we may even have days that someone locks themselves in the bathroom to cry (me most likely).  But we will also have amazing days, days that we learn something amazing, we do something amazing... or days we just all get along, days learning seems easy... and days that we will be so excited to tell everyone about!

And, it's through all of it... good and bad, that we need support.  We don't need to be told that sending them to school would take away the stress (because it really won't, it will just be a different kind of stress), we don't need to be told we brought it on ourselves by choosing homeschool, we don't need to be reminded of our options.  We are fully aware of our options... we just don't consider them as options that fit our family.

We didn't choose to homeschool because we thought it would be easy.  In fact, that would be exactly the reason NOT to homeschool... IT'S HARD... I have to make sacrifices... but, I love them and want the best for them, and I just can't see our school system being the best for them.  I want them to grow, learn, and develop the way THEY need to, not the way a handul of people says most children do so all children should. 


What we do need is to be reminded that we chose this out of our love for our children.  That we chose this to given them the best possible opportunity to learn, grow, and develop the way they can do it best!  That the sacrifices we make today will pay off when our children are grown!  We need to be reminded of the good, the why's, and the desired outcome.  

So, disagree if you must.  But, please just support and love us through it.  It's all we ask for!

Flawed Marriage

I have a flawed marriage... because I have a flawed husband... And he has a flawed wife.

And the sad thing about it is not that we have a flawed marriage... it's that people would actually encourage us to end it.

What happened to the days when people fought to keep the people they cared about?  What happened to marriage being FOREVER, thru all that life brings (good times and bad, sickness and health)... you know... what happened to actually standing by the vows taken on wedding day?

Society as a whole has damaged marriage.  Many try to blame gay marriage for the decline, but marriage was long damaged before that even became something that could be damaging. 

People get married for money, for status, for benefits... for so many reasons other than commitment. Then, when life happens, they run out and divorce.  So, if you ask me, the damage to marriage isn't a lack of love... it's a lack of commitment to love.  

And I speak from experience...

It's funny when I hear people say "I just fell out of love with him/her".  Heck, I was one of the people saying that.  I married my first husband fast, and left him even faster.  I used the line "I just don't love him anymore".  However, the issue wasn't that I had fallen out of love,  I just didn't commit to loving him.  

So, it shouldn't come as any surprise that I nearly left my current (and last) husband when "I just didn't love him anymore".  Though, again, it wasn't that I didn't love him, I just didn't commit to loving him.  

See, love is an action... not an involuntary feeling.  Love is something we do, a choice... it is not something that just happens.  So, marriage requires love to be a choice to commit to loving your spouse, even when- especially when- you don't "feel" like it.  

Society has said "to heck with commitment, do what makes YOU happy and follow your heart".  Well, my heart (feelings) lied to me... and had I followed it, I would be divorced a second time... and most likely not very happy.  Thank God I didn't follow society's logic and committed to love my husband, even when I didn't "feel" like it...

I won't say that our marriage is all sunshine and rainbows.  We definitely face storms.  But, because of our commitment to each other, we don't allow our momentary feelings decide the outcome of our marriage during those storms.  We commit, we choose to love, and we choose to stick it out thru those storms. So that when the sunshine and rainbows are out, we can enjoy them together!  

If you are reading this and have felt, or are feeling, like you "just don't love" your spouse anymore, I encourage you to change your commitment to them.  Stop committing only to loving them in the good times... Start committing to loving them in the bad, and worse, times too.  Show your commitment by daily reminders, thru your actions.  It won't be over-night, but if BOTH of you are TRULY committed, I promise things will get better and you will begin to "feel" that love again. 

I have a flawed marriage... And we have never been more in love than we are today, because we both KNOW we are committed to each other!
 

Early Intervention NEEDS Our Intervention

I am a mother of five children, two of which have used Early Intervention services due to developmental delays.  This program was a substantial part of their learning and development.  It was also very important in my own learning of how to better work with my children!  It's a program I am forever thankful for.  Here are Adrien and Jonathen's stories...

Adrien was 18 months old and barely saying mama or dada, his temper tantrums were unlike anything I had ever seen before, he refused to let me leave him anywhere, he didn't play with other kids, and he just wasn't good at any kind of social behaviors that he should have been doing at that age. 

When he was evaluated, the original thought was that he had Autism.  So, we created a plan to help him, help us and begin better relationship with him.  Though, after just a couple months of working with his therapist, we saw astronomical improvements in his language skills and social behaviors.  Though, he still needed a lot of help in specific areas.  However, we lost services because of funding.  We were in Germany.  It was good that he just so happened to qualify to attend the Sure Start preschool the following year.

Now, we have Jonathen.  After an illness when he was nearing his first birthday, he regressed and struggled to regain the skills he once had.  He had started to say mama and dada, but quit after that.  He had started to walk, but then had trouble crawling after that.  Again, I thought Autism, especially the way it seemed to happen.  At 18 months old, he still wasn't able to say basic words and barely even did much babble. He was still struggling to walk again and just didn't do what other kids his age (or even kids much younger) were doing.  Early Intervention came in and, once again, helped us put the pieces together.  His progress was VERY SLOW.  I did begin to wonder, after a few months, if he would ever hit some of the milestones we set goals for (and believe me, our goals were very small for him).

He received physical therapy for a year, but did catch up in that time to at least not require services.  However, his speech/language ability was still largely delayed after a year and is currently receiving services. And even now, almost 2 years of services, he still really needs it.  But, apparently they are no longer being funded.

It's good for us that he goes into the school system soon, but other kids are not so lucky.  Kids are losing their educational assistance through Early Intervention because they don't have funding...???  Why in the world does this incredibly important program not have funding?

I don't know who is at fault, and frankly, I don't care.  We just need a solution.  Families NEED a solution - a solution that gets this program funded and back running to assist the families with children who need services.

We need to be the voice for these children that can't speak for themselves.  We need to stand up and let the state know that our children deserve better! 

If you are interested in helping this fight, here are some pages to visit and find out more about what you can do to help support this fight:

I NEED EI -- Southern IL Action - https://www.facebook.com/groups/896483647092155/

I Need EI - https://www.facebook.com/ineedei?fref=ts

Illinois Developmental Therapy Association - https://www.facebook.com/Illinois-Developmental-Therapy-Association-311153305572207/timeline/

Families, Friends & Fans of IL EI Children - https://www.facebook.com/illinoiseichildren

I Support Illinois Early Intervention - https://www.facebook.com/groups/isupportei/


JOIN THE FIGHT!  FOR THE CHILDREN!    

Being Hidden is a Compliment!

I recently learned of a few people, completely unknown to each other, that have shared that they blocked my Facebook posts from their news feed.  They will go check randomly to see what I am up to but they do not want to see my posts in their news feed.  Now, usually this would bother me.  But when I was aware of the reason, I took it as a compliment!

You see... there is this guy that changed my life and I like to share things about Him on my page... His name is Jesus... and there are people out there who don't believe as I do and wish not to see those things.  And that is okay.  But if I am posting enough about Him to impact a person enough to hide my posts from their feed, I smile about that!

I do wish everyone believed in Him, and I pray for those who don't, but we don't have to have the same beliefs to stay connected.  I am glad that they did care enough not to completely delete me, but I am also glad that it speaks to the things I post!

I want my posts to be a true representation of who I am, what I believe and WHO my life is lived for.  I try very hard to share His work in my life, just to be a testimony to those who may not believe, or those who do but do not trust.  I want others to see what He has done in our lives, even if it means being hidden by some.

I used to feel hurt that my beliefs would cause people to hide my posts, or even delete me completely (that has happened too).  I used to wonder if I should just keep things to myself and not share about my faith.  I used to worry that sharing too much would make me seem like a "Bible thumper".  

Well, now I smile and feel blessed that I am being seen that way.  I am not longer worried about whether I should keep my faith to myself or what someone else may think of it!  I am proud to be God's daughter, and proud to share about how He has blessed me!  So, I will smile and accept being hidden as a compliment!

I don't want to be a leader, I want to be His servant!

Ever since I learned about (and really understood) Celebrate Recovery, I have felt an immense pull toward the ministry.  And not just in an attendance sort of way, but in a leadership sort of way.  I can't exactly explain it, but when I say I've felt very strongly about being part of it, I mean in a HUGE way.  Well, it appears as though God is showing me that path now.

After bringing it up to our home church's lead pastor, Filip and I are in heavy prayer about beginning the Celebrate Recovery program!!!  This prospect is incredibly exciting!  Though, I will admit, I have some nerves happening as well!

Though, after a very intense and powerful message at church this morning, I am reminded that I should not have anxiety about it.  Because God is working, and will work, in this!  Celebrate Recovery is HIS ministry!  Something a very wise person said to me the other night, and the motto I will remember and strive to stand by -

God is the leader of Celebrate Recovery, I am His servant.  

I will be in a place to serve others through their recovery 

and to help them find their healing in Jesus Christ!

I don't want to be a leader, I want to be a servant!  And though my title would be leader, I know that my true position is to be a servant to Christ!  I will want to be His arms and legs, to speak His words with His heart, to do His will in everything!  So, I will do my best as His servant to lead others to Him!

My story, our story... one that I pray will be used to encourage those who find themselves sitting in front of us at meetings.  I am so thankful to the work God has done in our lives, especially now that we will get to share that in a much more powerful way!

I am asking that our friends be in prayer with us as we step out in faith to begin such a wonderful ministry!  We know God is here, walking in front of us, guiding our path!  We know He will do the work He needs done!  

And a major THANK YOU to those who have already been in prayer with us!  We appreciate all the faithful people in our lives!  But we have so many faithful people because we have such a faithful God!  What an amazing God He is!

Nestled in God's hands!

How do I do this?  How could I possibly handle it?  Will I have all of my hair at the end?  Can I really care for 5 kids, on my own, without the husband, for 6 full weeks?  OH MY... Talk about stressful thinking and worry like no other.

A few weeks ago my husband was told he would be going to a class in another state for 6 weeks.  Now, some people will say "oh, it's ONLY 6 weeks" while others have said "woah, 6 weeks?"... and here I am thinking both.  Yes, it's ONLY 6 weeks, but it's also 6 weeks away from the man I love... alone with all 5 of our children... without the normal assistance and companionship I get from him.  That makes 6 weeks an awful long time.

And to be honest, I get kinda frustrated when people say that.  I know it's only a short time, especially in terms of military duties.  But, we haven't had much of this.  And the last time he was gone, we had a terrible, horrible situation happen.  So... yeah... 6 weeks, to me, is pretty intense right now.

So, I was pretty much freaking out.  I am a worrier, big time.  I go through all the worst possible situations and then fear them happening to us.  I worry that I won't be able to handle it.  I worry about every.possible.thing.  And this brought tons of worry... Until...

A friend shared something the other morning, which just happened to be the last day he would be with us before leaving.  She posted about how her foster child was happy, even though her life situation is anything but good.  Here is what she said:

         "This morning started out with me seeking God's direction in several areas of my life. And as always, I was able to read some great truths from Jeremiah, Paul in Romans and from my daily devotional.

But I think the real truth came from the baby girl nestled by my side. She's our foster baby and had woken up early this morning, hungry and wet, and I had taken care of her needs. I'd snuggled her for awhile and then laid her beside me while I opened my bible and journal to read, write and pray. She'd been perfectly content, cooing, watching me, playing with my fingers, and looking up at me and knowing I'm the one who meets her needs. And then she quietly fell asleep.

But the truth of the matter is that her life is not so great right now. Yesterday we received bad news regarding her parents. It breaks my heart for this beautifully and perfectly created baby girl. From a human perspective, the future of her life is unknown and it doesn't look good. Yet she's content and she's happy. She trusts Scott and I and our boys. She's joyful and is doing exactly what a typical 5 month old should be doing.
And then I felt the Lord speaking to me that this is exactly how I should view 2015. I should view this year just as Baby V does. I have no idea what the new year holds but I can trust the One who can see into the future. I have no idea of the steep hills I'll have to climb or the valleys I'll have to endure but my Father will be there to walk with me. I'm not yet aware of my needs but I know who will meet all of them in Christ Jesus. Just like Baby V, this year is unknown and completely out of my hands. The only thing I can do is to be the child that God has created me to be, His child, and to place my trust in Him each day. And I have no doubt that I can look to Him to meet my needs, care for me and guide me. I'm so grateful for a loving Father who cares for His children."

Then it hit me.  Why was I worrying?  God's got this.  I don't know what the next 6 weeks have in store, but I know that God will take care of us through anything.  I do pray it's uneventful, but in the event we have something exciting happen, I know I have a dependable Father that will see us through.  And THAT is comforting.  

I also want to take the mindset through the rest of the year as well.  I don't know what is in the year ahead.  I know what plans we have, but I don't know what plans He has.  I just know that I can trust His plans, even not knowing them.  I want to feel the comfort of being nestled tightly to Him, knowing that He is taking care of my needs and that I can be happy there!

What is your mindset going to be for 2015?

The day Brinden joined our crew!

It started like any other day, except that it wasn't just any other day.  It was the day we would welcome our 5th son into our family!  And what an amazing day it was!

They handed him to me and I was just as in love with him as I was his brothers!  He was just perfect, and I knew that we chose the right name!!!  Brinden James was born at 5:01pm at a whopping 8lbs 11oz and was 20.5in long!  He was pure perfection!  

And, it helps that the journey of the day was a pretty awesome experience!  Aside from the wait we had in the morning, I was very pleased with my labor and delivery experience!

We arrived late, just a little after 8am.  It took them 30 minutes just to get us registered before we could go to our room.  Once we were in the room and I was changed and on the monitors, it was nearly 3 more hours before they even started getting things going.  Finally, they got things going just after 12pm and it was a fast ride!

So, quick timeline:

8:10am - arrive
8:40am - get in room
11:40am - start fluids
12:05pm - start pitocin
3:40pm - water broken
5:01pm - Brinden

I would say it was pretty quick!

Once I hit about 7cm, I was hurting - REALLY BAD.  I gave in and asked for an epidural.  Filip tried really hard to talk me out of it, but I was set that there was no way I could get through it without one.  Boy... what happened next was rather funny.

They came it and started to set me up.  As soon as he got everything in and ready, he gave me the test dose of medicine just to make sure it was working.  At that point, it was already too late.  Brinden was coming right then.  Pretty much, I went from 7cm to pushing in about 20 minutes because I sat up completely.  I should have known.

But, I only got the test dose of epidural, which was just enough to take a very minimal edge off while pushing.  I am kinda bummed that I gave in, but glad that I still got to experience what I did!

October 6th will now forever be a special day!  Because it was the day Brinden joined our crazy crew!

Five Boys? I'm Sorry... NOT!!!

Wow.  Sometimes that is all I can think.  Just WOW!

Finding out I was pregnant was so very exciting!  I couldn't wait to get home to even take the test, much less wait to tell my husband the exciting news!  I was grinning ear to ear, surprised that the people I was with didn't notice something was up.  But, none-the-less, I was ecstatic and felt extremely excited to be expecting a baby!

Now, if I told you that the experience above was my first pregnancy, you would - without a doubt - understand my excitement and even feel excited for me.  But, how would that change if I told you that it was the 6th pregnancy?  Would you still feel that excitement for me or would it be something else?  (and just quickly, it is my 6th pregnancy but will be my 5th child... I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2009).

So, honestly... I wonder how many people would still feel the crazy excitement knowing I was now expecting a 5th child as they would if I were expecting my 1st child.  However, judging by some of the comments I've heard, not many would be excited.  In fact, I think they'd feel sorry for me, or worried for me.  But I don't understand why.

My excitement was ridiculous when I found out!  It is actually hard to explain how excited and happy I felt seeing that second pink line show up!  Like I said, ear to ear grin, and felt like I would explode if I didn't share with my husband right away!

So, imagine my disappointment when I was met with less than exciting comments from people - people I didn't even know.  Once I started showing, which wasn't long, it began.  No matter where we were, people would see me out with my four kids and have their questions and comments.  It normally started with "are they all yours?"... to which I would answer "yes"... and then "wow, and you're having another? you really have your hands full".  

At first it wasn't too bad, but then I got some comments I wasn't so sure of.  Since I have all boys, people automatically assume I only got pregnant again to try for a girl.  So, of course when they hear I am having another boy the response is "oh, I'm sorry" or "wow, you really need a girl".  Though, I don't get it.

WHY?  Why is someone else sorry that I am having another boy?  And why do I NEED a girl?  I don't understand the need to feel sorry for me, or to tell me what I need.  What I NEED is people to be happy for me and to appreciate the gifts God has entrusted me with.

I used to think I would miss out on something by not having a girl.  Though, what I have come to realize is that I am not missing out on anything, I have more than enough of what I need!  I may not have that girl to dress up, paint nails and do manis and pedis with, but do I really NEED that?  Nope.  

What I do have is 5 amazing little guys who remind me each day the miracle of God's creations and love.  There is a reason God has entrusted these lives with us, and I have great joy in knowing that He chose us to love, nurture, and teach these boys so that they should one day return to His kingdom!  What a blessing it is to be so trusted by Him!

So, to those who think that having five children - five boys at that - is a curse, please keep those comments to yourself.  I will never feel ashamed or sad about it, and you shouldn't either.  My children, my young men, are not a curse!  They are blessings!  My hands my by full, but so is my heart!

I'm not a one guy type of girl!

"I just never thought I would be a one guy kind of girl"

Yes, this is a statement I have made... and now realize the truth behind it.  However, the meaning behind that comment is vastly different today than it was when I originally said it four years ago.

For some reason today, a conversation I had with a friend popped into mind as I was thinking about how different my life is today from just a few years ago.  Though, what I realized when I thought about it is that I still can't see myself as a "one guy kind of girl".  However, the meaning of that statement has changed tremendously.

The first time I made that statement, it was because I wasn't happy in my marriage and thought other men would "fix" my problem.  The thought of being married to one guy, only being with one man for the rest of my life, just wasn't very appealing.  Surely I wasn't meant to "settle", I wanted to continue exploring.  Why be restricted to just one guy when there were so many out there?!

Though, I have come to realize that was SOOOO wrong.  Being married to the one man is exactly what I want (and very much NEED)!!!  I was definitely missing something, though it wasn't what I thought it was.  I was missing fulfillment.  But the kind of fulfillment that I was missing couldn't come from any man here on Earth, it could only come from God. 

Now that I have found that fulfillment, and have allowed God to help fill the places of my heart and soul that I tried to fill with men, I see how that statement was so very wrong. 

However, I will never be a one guy girl... I can't be, EVER...

God has blessed me with not just one guy, he has blessed me with six of them!  I can't possibly be a one guy girl when I have six guys who depend on me every single day!!!  So, my statement was correct, just made in the wrong context the first time it was made. 

I do believe God knew what he was doing when he gave me all boys!  I didn't understand it, and in many ways I still don't, but I see now how it is surely fitting.  God knew I needed other guys in my life, so He gave them to me, on His terms!  Even though it wasn't in the way I first thought I wanted or needed, I know that His ideas are so much better than mine!

I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to give me the things I need! 

God Changed My Marriage!

One of the things we learn when we begin our faith journey is that the husband should be the spiritual leader of the home.  It is engrained in us that the husband is the head of the family, and as such has the role of leading them.  

Ephesians 5:22-26 says:  Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word.  
 

Though, I have found that some have taken this out of context.  It seems like wives believe that if their husband doesn't go to church or believe, that they must follow that, even if they want to live in Christ.  They feel that the Bible instructs them to follow their husband, no matter what.  However, this isn't true.  If you read the first verse again, it says "Wives, submit to your own husband as to the Lord".   This doesn't mean to submit to your husband in place of the Lord, but in the same way.  You should still submit to the Lord first, even if your husband doesn't.

My marriage is living proof of the work God can do, if we truly live for Him and allow His work in our lives.  When I first started following Christ, and truly following - not just going through the motions - my husband wasn't so much into it.  He would go to church with me, though mostly just to go along with me, not for himself.  I started going to Celebrate Recovery and he stayed home with the kids.  My spiritual walk was not along side or behind his, it was in a completely different direction.

I started my journey feeling guilty for stepping out in faith before him.  I worried, for a long time, that I was going to "out-grow" him and feel unequally yolked because I was wanting to be so faithful to Christ.  Though, what I found happened was exactly the opposite.  It didn't happen overnight, but because of my faith and trust in God, things began to change. 

Little by little I could see the change in my husband, the change his heart began to make in him.  He started having in-depth discussions with me about the messages we heard at church.  He took lead on teaching our children to pray at meal times.  He started praying and reading the Bible more.  Before I knew it, he was leading me to things I hadn't yet done or considered.  He was taking his place as the spiritual leader!  

Now, a couple years later, I see the blessings God worked in our lives and marriage because I first stepped out in faith and began my walk with Christ.  And though I have witnessed these things over that time, this morning I woke up to find a note he made in our Bible app on a study he is doing.  It really put it into perspective, reminding me of where we started.  So, don't take my word for it, read my husband's words:


                  "Marriage isn't something that is successful naturally. You have to work hard at it and trust in the Lord. It is through Him that your marriage will succeed and without Him that your marriage will fail. I know this from experience. The more we soak our marriage in the Lord's words the closer we become and the stronger our marriage becomes. It doesn't mean we both started on this road together, however. My wife was the fortunate one to start her walk with Christ before me. She didn't make me walk with her, rather she kept on her path and simply prayed for me and our marriage. I began my walk with Christ because I was shown His grace and His blessings with open eyes finally. I had gone to church for years off/on before that, but I had never really gone to purposefully take in His words to apply it to my life. I pray that God continues to bless my family and that through us He helps us expose others to His blessings. Amen."


I can't even begin to describe the joy that filled me as I read his words.  I trusted God in one of the most difficult times of my life, and He has surely blessed me through my marriage.  My husband is the most amazing gift from God and I thank Him daily for allowing us to grow in His word, together!  
 If you are a wife who's husband doesn't follow Christ, don't let that hold you back from living in faith yourself.  Let God lead you and He WILL figure out the rest too!  Don't miss out on Christ's love out of worry or fear of "out-growing" your spouse.  Keep faithful in prayer and He will answer.  

I pray for all marriages to find the grace and blessings we've found through Christ's love!  

Admit and Live in Light!

All around, I felt very spoken to today!  I love it when I feel God is very clearly sending a message, especially when it's a message I NEED to hear!

1 John 1:5-10 says:

Now this is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is light, and there is absolutely no darkness in Him. If we say, “We have fellowship with Him,” yet we walk in darkness, we are lying and are not practicing the truth. But if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say, “We have no sin,” we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say, “We don’t have any sin,” we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.


I spent so much of my life living in the darkness.  Saying I believed but then doing nothing that proved that.  I allowed sin to control my life and tried to hide it, even though I wasn't very successful.  And, that's not to say I don't still sin.  I do.  But, I am much more aware of my sin now, and willing to admit it.  And these verses are so much part of what I believe now, and so very true!

I love that it was said that you can't live in the dark and the light at the same time, because you really can't.  You can't hide your sin, deny it, and be a faithful follower of Christ at the same time.  It just doesn't work that way.  But by bringing that sin into the light, exposing it, you are living in the light!

That is one reason I have felt very pulled to be so open and raw about my life.  I don't want to hide who I am, and I shouldn't.  I don't even want to hide my sin.  I want it exposed, I want others to see it, because I want others to help guide me back to Christ.  If I am hiding it, I am moving further and further from God, and that just doesn't work for me!

I have heard that I am too open, and sometimes I will admit I have been.  Though, I am learning!  I am starting to find who I should and shouldn't share with.  I am learning how much to share and with who.  I am learning who God is placed in my life as guides to help me in my journey closer to Him! 

And lately, I have worried that sharing has allowed for my faith to be called into question.  Or for others to think that because I still mess up that I can't possibly have the faith that I claim.  Today's message, however, reminds me that it's because of my sharing, and because I am able to admit I mess up (more often than I like to admit), shows my faith and how much I really do believe He forgives our sins!  I admit because He told me to!  I admit because my faith is in His word and His love and forgiveness!

I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with sin.  I am also a grateful believer that wants to live in the light, even if my sin shows, and gain His forgiveness! 

"REAL"

Not very long ago I posted a "date night" question that I went ahead and answered.

- Question to ask during date night: What words do you hope people use to describe our marriage?

- Answer was: I hope people say Christ-centered, loving, honest and inspiring! We may not always get it right but God has blessed us beyond all belief! I pray that we can some how inspire others for Christ through our marriage!

Those are still definitely words I pray others use, or will use, when talking about our marriage.  However, today I heard another word that I didn't think of when answering the question, but definitely love that it was used to describe us.

"REAL".  Real.  What an awesome word, especially in this context.   Though, why would, and why should, we feel blessed that this is a word used to describe our marriage?  Because it shows that people see we are raw and open.  It is a compliment to me, because I never want to be fake (or have anyone think I am) when it comes to loving one of the best blessings God has given me!  Our marriage has been through the ringer, and even down the toilet tubes a few times... but even with all our issues, I don't want to ever put on a show that is unbelievable or false. 

I spent too many years trying to put on a show for those around us.  Wanting people to think we had a good marriage, when in fact we had some pretty extreme struggles.  I hid my emotions and feelings from him, and everyone, thinking I was supposed to have it all together.  I faked a smile, faked a few hugs and pretended that I was happy when I was feeling so dead and trapped inside.  And I now realize that no one should do that.  So, after so long of being so fake, I want nothing more than to just be "real"!!!  

When I was given this compliment today, my heart thanked God for His intervention in my marriage.  I almost cried over it, in a good way, because it felt so great to be seen that way, especially after all we've gone through.  And God is the ONLY reason we've gotten to this place of realness with each other, and with those around us.  So, my heart was extremely thankful to Him for being the center of our marriage and teaching us how to be real!  And for opening our hearts to a kind of love I don't think either of us had ever experienced before! 

Because my love is real, and because God's power is real!  And showing how real God's power can be is the greatest thing we can share with others!!!

 

What More Can I Do?

One of the most profound questions I was asked to ask myself, along with thousands of people, was "what more can I do?".  Well, isn't that quite the loaded question?!  What more can I do?  And to be honest, the answer would depend on what area we are talking about...  though, I am feeling extremely led to do more for the homeless and others that do not have the things we are able to afford.

I was recently in a situation that I could have helped someone, and I am ashamed to say that I just walked away.  I did so with a heavy heart and continue to feel guilty over it.  I still feel guilty over it, especially since I happened to throw away the food that could have possibly been his only meal that day, or even in days.  

Though, out of that came the desire to do more.  To not let another opportunity pass by to help someone who doesn't have the luxuries that I do.  To feed someone who might have to skip a few meals when I don't know what that is like.

There are times I've felt like we were struggling.  Wondering how we were going to keep up with our bills and still get to do the fun things we like doing.  I worried that we would have to eat at home every night instead of getting to go out as often as normal.  I worried that I couldn't get that hot item I'd been wanting for a while.  I worried that we were "struggling".

What is sad, though, is that I was worried about not having MORE than what we needed.  I was worried that I had to give up things that I didn't NEED to have.  I worried about the wrong things.  So what if I couldn't buy soda or go out to dinner?  Did I REALLY NEED those things?  

The recent situation that I feel guilt over has opened my eyes to just how incredibly selfish we can be.  There are so many people struggling to find their next meal while I struggle with not buying a new t-shirt or getting to go out to eat.  How incredibly selfish that sounds when I think about it!

So... I have decided to see if I can do a few things differently.  Once we are moved into the new house, we are making some changes to how we do things.  I am putting myself on a 30 challenge...

No sodas or junk food
No eating or ordering out at all
No buying food that isn't required for a determined meal plan

Those things in themselves will be a HUGE challenge for us.  We are so used to just getting the things we want, when we want them, it's basically second nature to us now.  We don't know any different.  So, the fact that I am adding more challenge to that is really going to make this 30 day challenge an interesting task!  But, I will be praying and using this as a fasting to help me build closer to him as well!

The added challenge is going to be:

Any time we feel the urge to do any of the three things listed above, we put the money we would have spent on it into a jar.  At the end of the 30 days, we either donate the money to a soup kitchen or use it to feed/help the homeless in some way.  And based on how often we go out to eat, and how much I guess we spend on those things in a month, I bet we could help a great amount in just those 30 days.  And once we cut out the unnecessary spending, I bet we will realize just how much extra we DO have, even though it doesn't feel like it most of the time.

I don't look at our struggles the same way anymore.  Our bills are always paid, our children are always fed, and we have the necessities required for us to survive.  Heck, we have more than is really required.  We are truly blessed and I want to do more to share our blessings with others who need a good blessing.  Why shouldn't we share?  Now I just want to share even more!!!

So, what more can I do?  Well, the funny thing is I think I am answering the question by asking what can I do less?  I can do more to help others by being less selfish!

What more can YOU do???

Yes! I am one of THOSE people!

Back in 2010, after going through an ectopic pregnancy and almost ending my marriage, a friend reached out to me and told me about this thing called CR.  I was intrigued, but also a little confused.  Celebrate Recovery.  Recovery.  A 12-step program.  Like what alcoholics go to?  Something for drug addicts?  Boy, I felt like you'd have to have some serious issues to need something so involved. 

I spent over two years after being introduced to it, just pondering the questions.  Assuming I didn't "really" need it.  It wasn't until after my world was rocked by learning some things that my husband had been hiding that I honestly thought to be serious about it.

  Even with the questions and the idea that is was more than what I really needed, I gave it a chance anyway.  What could it hurt?  If anything, I would realize how much I really didn't need it and could just stop any time I wanted.  But, what I found, was that I was surely in desperate need of recovery.

Most people do hear about Celebrate Recovery and assume its for severe alcoholic or drug addicts.  They don't see past the word Recovery.  Just like I didn't, at first.

Celebrate Recovery is for ALL people.  If you breath, chances are, you'd benefit from CR.  Every single person has faced some form of hardship in their lives, and we all struggle in some area - at some point.  We all have something in our lives that separates us from God, even if it's something small.  CR is made for EVERY.SINGLE.THING that people face.

Struggle with rejection or self-esteem issues?
Ever been the victim of domestic or sexual abuse/violence?
Struggle with food or eating disorders?
Struggle with anger, depression or anxiety? or any other social/mental disorder?
Struggle with money or material things?
Struggle with your spouse, family or friends (in any way)?
Have you lost a loved one or had your heart broken?
Do you worry more about making others happy than being happy yourself?
Are you living a sexually immoral life (porn, cheating on spouse, sex before marriage, etc)?
Do you live in fear of weird things?

Is there ANYTHING - at all - that seems to weigh on your mind or heart that hinders your relationship with Christ, or hinders your life in any way?  If so, Celebrate Recovery is the place to go to find healing for that!  It may seem small to you, but any issue in our lives is HUGE to our God, and He wants to help us with it.  He doesn't want anything in the way of His relationship with us!

On the Celebrate Recovery webpage, Rick Warren has a message for us.  A small piece of his message reads:

       "The Bible clearly states “all have sinned.” It is my nature to sin, and it is yours too. None of us is untainted. Because of sin, we’ve all hurt ourselves, we’ve all hurt other people, and others have hurt us. This means each of us need repentance and recovery in order to live our lives the way God intended."

That small portion of what he says, really says it all.

The best thing about CR is that it is completely based on the Bible, God's word. 

I've found that when I tell people I attend CR, I get looks or responses that make me feel like I'm being judged.  Also, many who have assumed that I go for alcohol or drug related issues.  Then there are some who admit they have "issues" but then say that those things aren't bad enough for them to go to CR.  Well, like I said, it may seem minor to us, but all of our issues are MAJOR in God's eyes.  Why let any issue, no matter how small it may seem, keep us from having the fullest relationship with Him possible?

I am so very thankful for CR and the healing I've found in my recovery!  I am in recovery multiple things, and have found amazing support and love through my struggles.  I didn't think I was in need of CR.  I thought that my issues were minor and could be dealt with in counseling or just on my own, because they really aren't THAT bad. 

However, I have realized that counseling wouldn't have done me much good. It didn't do me any good, I tried.  I tried medication and every thing else that didn't ever help anything.  It's because I didn't know how to truly work through things, to face them, find and admit my own part in them and then make amends for it, or to forgive others.  CR has taught me how to do all of that. 

Learning how to work through things, facing them, accepting any responsibility that I have and making amends to people I've hurt has honestly made me a different person.  Plus, learning to forgive others has been HUGE!!!  Plus, add that there is a support network of people that understand and can help when things get tough, I can't imagine where I would be without CR!

Really, though... there isn't a person alive who wouldn't benefit from CR.  I pray that word of this program spreads and that people see that this program isn't just for severe issues, it's for every single person, everywhere!  I am okay with being on of "THOSE" people because it has strengthened my relationship with Christ, has allowed me to mend broken relationship from the past, as well as create new relationships that are stronger than relationships of the past! 

Won't you join the amazing healing with us???  For more information, or to locate a group near you, go to the Celebrate Recovery website!

Sinful Living

A topic I've felt very affected by over the last year is willful sin.  Isn't part of being a Christian about wanting to stop living in sin, as much as possible?  If we justify our sin to ourselves, we are letting our flesh win over Christ.  We are being more loyal to the world and our own flesh than to Christ.

Yeah, go ahead and remind me of the judgment rule.  But I am not judging anyone, especially since I have a habit of justifying my own sin and just asking forgiveness for it later.  We all do it, and I feel very led and convicted to do my best to knock that off and to pay more attention to what I am doing and not allow sin to deceive me.  Whether it be the music I listen to, the way I treat others or what I watch on TV.  I am far from perfect in any of these areas, but I have made a lot of changes.  And I hope I continue to make changes as Christ moves me to do so.

James 4:17 says: So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. 

James 3:13 says: If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom.

James 1:22-25 says: But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise you are only fooling yourselves.  For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror.  You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

James 2:14 says: What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?

I used to believe that I could watch tv or movies, as long as I didn't act out what I was seeing or letting it "affect" me.  I used to believe that I could read certain books but if I didn't let it cause me to sin in a physical manner, I was okay.  I felt the music I listened to wasn't going to affect my heart.  I even felt that the things I say were okay, as long as I asked God to forgive me after having said them.  However, I have recently been very convicted otherwise.  I have to control my eyes, just as I should be controlling my tongue.


Matthew 6:22-23 says: "Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!"

The eyes cause us to sin too.  If we are looking at vile or vulgar things, we are just as sinful as a person who is doing vile or vulgar things.  The worst part of it, we are unaware of how bad it is and that makes it that much worse.  Though, if we are aware and do nothing about it, doesn't that make it even worse than being unaware?

I've realized that when I am watching vile and vulgar things, I have vile and vulgar thoughts.  Whether or not I actually act on them is not the point.  In Matthew 5, it is explained that anger is just as sinful as murder (verse 22) and lust is just as sinful as adultery (verse 28).  So, if I am seeing vile and vulgar things, which cause me to think vile and vulgar thoughts, I am being sinful.  Whether or not I act on them is pointless since my thoughts are already just as bad as the actions.


In Psalm 101, David speaks of how he wants to live.  Verses 2-4 say: I will be careful to live a blameless life - when will you come to help me? I will lead a life of integrity in my own home. I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar. I hate all who deal crookedly; I will have nothing to do with them. I will reject perverse ideas and stay away from every evil.

This is how I want to live.  I know that I have a lot in my life that I need to change, and I am changing!  I have stopped watching some tv shows I used to watch because of the content.  I have chosen not to read certain books or watch certain movies due to content.  And I continue to feel led to let go of new things all the time. 

I am very thankful for a loving, forgiving Father that will forgive me when I sin.  Though, I am also very thankful for Him giving me the desire to live in as little sin as I can.  I strive to be more like Christ.  I want try hard to live a sinless life, even though I know I will always fail.  I do not want to purposely live a sinful life just because I know He will forgive me, I want to live a life that shows my devotion to my God and His commands! 

Yes, I am well aware I will fail.  I will continue to sin and will never live a completely sinless life.  It is impossible to do so.  I just choose to try harder, sin less and do my best to be more Christ-like each day!

In and Out of Love

I had more thoughts to add to my last blog, though thought they deserved their own spot!

One thing that I have learned over time is that if I ended a relationship every time I thought love was gone... oh wait... I DID do that... 

I was sitting here thinking about the past relationships and trying to see the pattern of "love" and when/how they ended.  I ended relationships only weeks after thinking I "loved" them because that feeling was gone.  And honestly, a lot of times that feeling was probably not love as much as it was lust.  But either way, they ended the moment that feeling was gone.

The few relationships that I can honestly say that real feelings were involved still ended the moment I thought those feelings were gone.  I always thought love was involuntary and that if it was gone then it meant we weren't supposed to be together.  And even though I can admit now that things did happen how they were supposed to, it was a pattern I kept repeating, even into my current marriage.

I married my first husband for what I thought was love.  We were so compatible and I thought I loved him.  But, the problem there was that we allowed our love to be shared with other people rather than keeping it confined to our marriage.  And because we weren't loving each other, I thought my love had faded and I left.  And I soon found myself loving someone else.

Now, because I kept up that same pattern, even my second marriage faced ending too many times.  I would threaten divorce just because I was unhappy with something.  I would withhold my love if he upset me, or when he withheld his love.  And those were the times that I felt like we were in a "loveless" marriage.  And, it was loveless, because we weren't putting love into it.

But if we had ended our relationship, and I continued my pattern, I have to wonder how many relationships I would have been in and out of by now.   And I would still have never learned the true beauty of what real love is and how amazing it feels!

Love isn't always involuntary.  There are times that we really have to make an effort to love, and be very purposeful about it.  There are going to be times that people are just simply unlovable, but we have to choose to love them anyway.  And to love someone isn't just a feeling we have for them, it is the action we take for and to them. 

I have never known love like this before!  God's love is the only thing better than the love in my marriage!  Fil and I do not HAVE to love each other, we CHOOSE to.  Our love isn't something we just feel quietly within our own hearts, it is something we act on and show each other every day!  Our love is more than something that just exists, it is something we built by CHOICE, TOGETHER!

Love is a Choice

Being divorced, I do understand the argument to leave a marriage due to a lack of love.  I left my first marriage partly due to that reason.  I didn't love him the way I should as a wife, at least that was what I told myself.

So, when I felt the same way about my husband, it seemed only sensible to end things.  I mean, marriage can't survive without love, right?  And if I don't love him, why bother?  If I don't love him the way a wife should, then it wouldn't be fair to either of us to keep going in a "loveless" marriage.  

But, after some thought and prayer, we decided to keep fighting for our marriage, no matter what.

Over the last couple of years I have learned a few things.  First, my marriage has definitely been through some "loveless" times.  Second, there were times that the lack of love was one-sided, meaning only one of us was not loving the other.  Third, love is a choice.  Fourth, love is an action.

Now, what I mean by love is a choice but it is also an action is that we have to CHOOSE to love.  When you are choosing to do something, you are taking action!  When we love, we are taking action! 

The "loveless" times in my own marriage were during times action wasn't being taken, when there was no love being shown.  There were times we were both not loving, and there were times it was just one of us.  But either way, we were choosing not to love each other in those times.  We didn't feel like there was love because we were not providing any.  

The day I got married, I really wasn't sure we'd last long.  Honestly, I didn't marry for love.  I married because I was pregnant and was afraid of doing it on my own.  I mean, I thought I loved him, but I didn't marry him thinking that love would last forever.  So, how did we make it to more than 8 years and 5 children?  Well, we CHOOSE to love each other.  And honestly, I thank God every day for allowing me to love such an amazing man!

It is easy to say love is involuntary, and there are times it really can be.  But when you spend years with someone, things can become "normal" and boring.  It can feel like the love is gone because you get caught up in the day to day and stop focusing on the love you had, thinking it would always just be there.  This is where many couples decide to separate because they think they just "grew apart" or "fell out of love".  Though, I argue that they stopped making a choice to love.

If you wake up every day, doing the same thing (or close to), day after day and year after year, it can get boring.  And it is like that in relationships.  Couples really do need to make a choice to keep that love alive, and to keep lighting the fire they felt early on.  Fires only die if we don't feed them, or feed them the wrong thing.  Marriage is the same way.

I choose, daily, to love my husband.  I choose to uphold the vows I took the day I married him.  I choose the action of love.  I choose not to allow the hard times to come between us.  I choose to make each day different than the last.  I choose to be a wife worthy of his love.  I CHOOSE my husband over everything else.  I make these choices even on days I don't really feel like it, because THAT is what REAL love is, a choice.

I choose to love him every day, even when he is unlovable, because that was the promise I made to him and to God when I married him!