The day Brinden joined our crew!

It started like any other day, except that it wasn't just any other day.  It was the day we would welcome our 5th son into our family!  And what an amazing day it was!

They handed him to me and I was just as in love with him as I was his brothers!  He was just perfect, and I knew that we chose the right name!!!  Brinden James was born at 5:01pm at a whopping 8lbs 11oz and was 20.5in long!  He was pure perfection!  

And, it helps that the journey of the day was a pretty awesome experience!  Aside from the wait we had in the morning, I was very pleased with my labor and delivery experience!

We arrived late, just a little after 8am.  It took them 30 minutes just to get us registered before we could go to our room.  Once we were in the room and I was changed and on the monitors, it was nearly 3 more hours before they even started getting things going.  Finally, they got things going just after 12pm and it was a fast ride!

So, quick timeline:

8:10am - arrive
8:40am - get in room
11:40am - start fluids
12:05pm - start pitocin
3:40pm - water broken
5:01pm - Brinden

I would say it was pretty quick!

Once I hit about 7cm, I was hurting - REALLY BAD.  I gave in and asked for an epidural.  Filip tried really hard to talk me out of it, but I was set that there was no way I could get through it without one.  Boy... what happened next was rather funny.

They came it and started to set me up.  As soon as he got everything in and ready, he gave me the test dose of medicine just to make sure it was working.  At that point, it was already too late.  Brinden was coming right then.  Pretty much, I went from 7cm to pushing in about 20 minutes because I sat up completely.  I should have known.

But, I only got the test dose of epidural, which was just enough to take a very minimal edge off while pushing.  I am kinda bummed that I gave in, but glad that I still got to experience what I did!

October 6th will now forever be a special day!  Because it was the day Brinden joined our crazy crew!

Five Boys? I'm Sorry... NOT!!!

Wow.  Sometimes that is all I can think.  Just WOW!

Finding out I was pregnant was so very exciting!  I couldn't wait to get home to even take the test, much less wait to tell my husband the exciting news!  I was grinning ear to ear, surprised that the people I was with didn't notice something was up.  But, none-the-less, I was ecstatic and felt extremely excited to be expecting a baby!

Now, if I told you that the experience above was my first pregnancy, you would - without a doubt - understand my excitement and even feel excited for me.  But, how would that change if I told you that it was the 6th pregnancy?  Would you still feel that excitement for me or would it be something else?  (and just quickly, it is my 6th pregnancy but will be my 5th child... I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2009).

So, honestly... I wonder how many people would still feel the crazy excitement knowing I was now expecting a 5th child as they would if I were expecting my 1st child.  However, judging by some of the comments I've heard, not many would be excited.  In fact, I think they'd feel sorry for me, or worried for me.  But I don't understand why.

My excitement was ridiculous when I found out!  It is actually hard to explain how excited and happy I felt seeing that second pink line show up!  Like I said, ear to ear grin, and felt like I would explode if I didn't share with my husband right away!

So, imagine my disappointment when I was met with less than exciting comments from people - people I didn't even know.  Once I started showing, which wasn't long, it began.  No matter where we were, people would see me out with my four kids and have their questions and comments.  It normally started with "are they all yours?"... to which I would answer "yes"... and then "wow, and you're having another? you really have your hands full".  

At first it wasn't too bad, but then I got some comments I wasn't so sure of.  Since I have all boys, people automatically assume I only got pregnant again to try for a girl.  So, of course when they hear I am having another boy the response is "oh, I'm sorry" or "wow, you really need a girl".  Though, I don't get it.

WHY?  Why is someone else sorry that I am having another boy?  And why do I NEED a girl?  I don't understand the need to feel sorry for me, or to tell me what I need.  What I NEED is people to be happy for me and to appreciate the gifts God has entrusted me with.

I used to think I would miss out on something by not having a girl.  Though, what I have come to realize is that I am not missing out on anything, I have more than enough of what I need!  I may not have that girl to dress up, paint nails and do manis and pedis with, but do I really NEED that?  Nope.  

What I do have is 5 amazing little guys who remind me each day the miracle of God's creations and love.  There is a reason God has entrusted these lives with us, and I have great joy in knowing that He chose us to love, nurture, and teach these boys so that they should one day return to His kingdom!  What a blessing it is to be so trusted by Him!

So, to those who think that having five children - five boys at that - is a curse, please keep those comments to yourself.  I will never feel ashamed or sad about it, and you shouldn't either.  My children, my young men, are not a curse!  They are blessings!  My hands my by full, but so is my heart!

I'm not a one guy type of girl!

"I just never thought I would be a one guy kind of girl"

Yes, this is a statement I have made... and now realize the truth behind it.  However, the meaning behind that comment is vastly different today than it was when I originally said it four years ago.

For some reason today, a conversation I had with a friend popped into mind as I was thinking about how different my life is today from just a few years ago.  Though, what I realized when I thought about it is that I still can't see myself as a "one guy kind of girl".  However, the meaning of that statement has changed tremendously.

The first time I made that statement, it was because I wasn't happy in my marriage and thought other men would "fix" my problem.  The thought of being married to one guy, only being with one man for the rest of my life, just wasn't very appealing.  Surely I wasn't meant to "settle", I wanted to continue exploring.  Why be restricted to just one guy when there were so many out there?!

Though, I have come to realize that was SOOOO wrong.  Being married to the one man is exactly what I want (and very much NEED)!!!  I was definitely missing something, though it wasn't what I thought it was.  I was missing fulfillment.  But the kind of fulfillment that I was missing couldn't come from any man here on Earth, it could only come from God. 

Now that I have found that fulfillment, and have allowed God to help fill the places of my heart and soul that I tried to fill with men, I see how that statement was so very wrong. 

However, I will never be a one guy girl... I can't be, EVER...

God has blessed me with not just one guy, he has blessed me with six of them!  I can't possibly be a one guy girl when I have six guys who depend on me every single day!!!  So, my statement was correct, just made in the wrong context the first time it was made. 

I do believe God knew what he was doing when he gave me all boys!  I didn't understand it, and in many ways I still don't, but I see now how it is surely fitting.  God knew I needed other guys in my life, so He gave them to me, on His terms!  Even though it wasn't in the way I first thought I wanted or needed, I know that His ideas are so much better than mine!

I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to give me the things I need! 

God Changed My Marriage!

One of the things we learn when we begin our faith journey is that the husband should be the spiritual leader of the home.  It is engrained in us that the husband is the head of the family, and as such has the role of leading them.  

Ephesians 5:22-26 says:  Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word.  
 

Though, I have found that some have taken this out of context.  It seems like wives believe that if their husband doesn't go to church or believe, that they must follow that, even if they want to live in Christ.  They feel that the Bible instructs them to follow their husband, no matter what.  However, this isn't true.  If you read the first verse again, it says "Wives, submit to your own husband as to the Lord".   This doesn't mean to submit to your husband in place of the Lord, but in the same way.  You should still submit to the Lord first, even if your husband doesn't.

My marriage is living proof of the work God can do, if we truly live for Him and allow His work in our lives.  When I first started following Christ, and truly following - not just going through the motions - my husband wasn't so much into it.  He would go to church with me, though mostly just to go along with me, not for himself.  I started going to Celebrate Recovery and he stayed home with the kids.  My spiritual walk was not along side or behind his, it was in a completely different direction.

I started my journey feeling guilty for stepping out in faith before him.  I worried, for a long time, that I was going to "out-grow" him and feel unequally yolked because I was wanting to be so faithful to Christ.  Though, what I found happened was exactly the opposite.  It didn't happen overnight, but because of my faith and trust in God, things began to change. 

Little by little I could see the change in my husband, the change his heart began to make in him.  He started having in-depth discussions with me about the messages we heard at church.  He took lead on teaching our children to pray at meal times.  He started praying and reading the Bible more.  Before I knew it, he was leading me to things I hadn't yet done or considered.  He was taking his place as the spiritual leader!  

Now, a couple years later, I see the blessings God worked in our lives and marriage because I first stepped out in faith and began my walk with Christ.  And though I have witnessed these things over that time, this morning I woke up to find a note he made in our Bible app on a study he is doing.  It really put it into perspective, reminding me of where we started.  So, don't take my word for it, read my husband's words:


                  "Marriage isn't something that is successful naturally. You have to work hard at it and trust in the Lord. It is through Him that your marriage will succeed and without Him that your marriage will fail. I know this from experience. The more we soak our marriage in the Lord's words the closer we become and the stronger our marriage becomes. It doesn't mean we both started on this road together, however. My wife was the fortunate one to start her walk with Christ before me. She didn't make me walk with her, rather she kept on her path and simply prayed for me and our marriage. I began my walk with Christ because I was shown His grace and His blessings with open eyes finally. I had gone to church for years off/on before that, but I had never really gone to purposefully take in His words to apply it to my life. I pray that God continues to bless my family and that through us He helps us expose others to His blessings. Amen."


I can't even begin to describe the joy that filled me as I read his words.  I trusted God in one of the most difficult times of my life, and He has surely blessed me through my marriage.  My husband is the most amazing gift from God and I thank Him daily for allowing us to grow in His word, together!  
 If you are a wife who's husband doesn't follow Christ, don't let that hold you back from living in faith yourself.  Let God lead you and He WILL figure out the rest too!  Don't miss out on Christ's love out of worry or fear of "out-growing" your spouse.  Keep faithful in prayer and He will answer.  

I pray for all marriages to find the grace and blessings we've found through Christ's love!  

Admit and Live in Light!

All around, I felt very spoken to today!  I love it when I feel God is very clearly sending a message, especially when it's a message I NEED to hear!

1 John 1:5-10 says:

Now this is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is light, and there is absolutely no darkness in Him. If we say, “We have fellowship with Him,” yet we walk in darkness, we are lying and are not practicing the truth. But if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say, “We have no sin,” we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say, “We don’t have any sin,” we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.


I spent so much of my life living in the darkness.  Saying I believed but then doing nothing that proved that.  I allowed sin to control my life and tried to hide it, even though I wasn't very successful.  And, that's not to say I don't still sin.  I do.  But, I am much more aware of my sin now, and willing to admit it.  And these verses are so much part of what I believe now, and so very true!

I love that it was said that you can't live in the dark and the light at the same time, because you really can't.  You can't hide your sin, deny it, and be a faithful follower of Christ at the same time.  It just doesn't work that way.  But by bringing that sin into the light, exposing it, you are living in the light!

That is one reason I have felt very pulled to be so open and raw about my life.  I don't want to hide who I am, and I shouldn't.  I don't even want to hide my sin.  I want it exposed, I want others to see it, because I want others to help guide me back to Christ.  If I am hiding it, I am moving further and further from God, and that just doesn't work for me!

I have heard that I am too open, and sometimes I will admit I have been.  Though, I am learning!  I am starting to find who I should and shouldn't share with.  I am learning how much to share and with who.  I am learning who God is placed in my life as guides to help me in my journey closer to Him! 

And lately, I have worried that sharing has allowed for my faith to be called into question.  Or for others to think that because I still mess up that I can't possibly have the faith that I claim.  Today's message, however, reminds me that it's because of my sharing, and because I am able to admit I mess up (more often than I like to admit), shows my faith and how much I really do believe He forgives our sins!  I admit because He told me to!  I admit because my faith is in His word and His love and forgiveness!

I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with sin.  I am also a grateful believer that wants to live in the light, even if my sin shows, and gain His forgiveness! 

"REAL"

Not very long ago I posted a "date night" question that I went ahead and answered.

- Question to ask during date night: What words do you hope people use to describe our marriage?

- Answer was: I hope people say Christ-centered, loving, honest and inspiring! We may not always get it right but God has blessed us beyond all belief! I pray that we can some how inspire others for Christ through our marriage!

Those are still definitely words I pray others use, or will use, when talking about our marriage.  However, today I heard another word that I didn't think of when answering the question, but definitely love that it was used to describe us.

"REAL".  Real.  What an awesome word, especially in this context.   Though, why would, and why should, we feel blessed that this is a word used to describe our marriage?  Because it shows that people see we are raw and open.  It is a compliment to me, because I never want to be fake (or have anyone think I am) when it comes to loving one of the best blessings God has given me!  Our marriage has been through the ringer, and even down the toilet tubes a few times... but even with all our issues, I don't want to ever put on a show that is unbelievable or false. 

I spent too many years trying to put on a show for those around us.  Wanting people to think we had a good marriage, when in fact we had some pretty extreme struggles.  I hid my emotions and feelings from him, and everyone, thinking I was supposed to have it all together.  I faked a smile, faked a few hugs and pretended that I was happy when I was feeling so dead and trapped inside.  And I now realize that no one should do that.  So, after so long of being so fake, I want nothing more than to just be "real"!!!  

When I was given this compliment today, my heart thanked God for His intervention in my marriage.  I almost cried over it, in a good way, because it felt so great to be seen that way, especially after all we've gone through.  And God is the ONLY reason we've gotten to this place of realness with each other, and with those around us.  So, my heart was extremely thankful to Him for being the center of our marriage and teaching us how to be real!  And for opening our hearts to a kind of love I don't think either of us had ever experienced before! 

Because my love is real, and because God's power is real!  And showing how real God's power can be is the greatest thing we can share with others!!!

 

What More Can I Do?

One of the most profound questions I was asked to ask myself, along with thousands of people, was "what more can I do?".  Well, isn't that quite the loaded question?!  What more can I do?  And to be honest, the answer would depend on what area we are talking about...  though, I am feeling extremely led to do more for the homeless and others that do not have the things we are able to afford.

I was recently in a situation that I could have helped someone, and I am ashamed to say that I just walked away.  I did so with a heavy heart and continue to feel guilty over it.  I still feel guilty over it, especially since I happened to throw away the food that could have possibly been his only meal that day, or even in days.  

Though, out of that came the desire to do more.  To not let another opportunity pass by to help someone who doesn't have the luxuries that I do.  To feed someone who might have to skip a few meals when I don't know what that is like.

There are times I've felt like we were struggling.  Wondering how we were going to keep up with our bills and still get to do the fun things we like doing.  I worried that we would have to eat at home every night instead of getting to go out as often as normal.  I worried that I couldn't get that hot item I'd been wanting for a while.  I worried that we were "struggling".

What is sad, though, is that I was worried about not having MORE than what we needed.  I was worried that I had to give up things that I didn't NEED to have.  I worried about the wrong things.  So what if I couldn't buy soda or go out to dinner?  Did I REALLY NEED those things?  

The recent situation that I feel guilt over has opened my eyes to just how incredibly selfish we can be.  There are so many people struggling to find their next meal while I struggle with not buying a new t-shirt or getting to go out to eat.  How incredibly selfish that sounds when I think about it!

So... I have decided to see if I can do a few things differently.  Once we are moved into the new house, we are making some changes to how we do things.  I am putting myself on a 30 challenge...

No sodas or junk food
No eating or ordering out at all
No buying food that isn't required for a determined meal plan

Those things in themselves will be a HUGE challenge for us.  We are so used to just getting the things we want, when we want them, it's basically second nature to us now.  We don't know any different.  So, the fact that I am adding more challenge to that is really going to make this 30 day challenge an interesting task!  But, I will be praying and using this as a fasting to help me build closer to him as well!

The added challenge is going to be:

Any time we feel the urge to do any of the three things listed above, we put the money we would have spent on it into a jar.  At the end of the 30 days, we either donate the money to a soup kitchen or use it to feed/help the homeless in some way.  And based on how often we go out to eat, and how much I guess we spend on those things in a month, I bet we could help a great amount in just those 30 days.  And once we cut out the unnecessary spending, I bet we will realize just how much extra we DO have, even though it doesn't feel like it most of the time.

I don't look at our struggles the same way anymore.  Our bills are always paid, our children are always fed, and we have the necessities required for us to survive.  Heck, we have more than is really required.  We are truly blessed and I want to do more to share our blessings with others who need a good blessing.  Why shouldn't we share?  Now I just want to share even more!!!

So, what more can I do?  Well, the funny thing is I think I am answering the question by asking what can I do less?  I can do more to help others by being less selfish!

What more can YOU do???

Yes! I am one of THOSE people!

Back in 2010, after going through an ectopic pregnancy and almost ending my marriage, a friend reached out to me and told me about this thing called CR.  I was intrigued, but also a little confused.  Celebrate Recovery.  Recovery.  A 12-step program.  Like what alcoholics go to?  Something for drug addicts?  Boy, I felt like you'd have to have some serious issues to need something so involved. 

I spent over two years after being introduced to it, just pondering the questions.  Assuming I didn't "really" need it.  It wasn't until after my world was rocked by learning some things that my husband had been hiding that I honestly thought to be serious about it.

  Even with the questions and the idea that is was more than what I really needed, I gave it a chance anyway.  What could it hurt?  If anything, I would realize how much I really didn't need it and could just stop any time I wanted.  But, what I found, was that I was surely in desperate need of recovery.

Most people do hear about Celebrate Recovery and assume its for severe alcoholic or drug addicts.  They don't see past the word Recovery.  Just like I didn't, at first.

Celebrate Recovery is for ALL people.  If you breath, chances are, you'd benefit from CR.  Every single person has faced some form of hardship in their lives, and we all struggle in some area - at some point.  We all have something in our lives that separates us from God, even if it's something small.  CR is made for EVERY.SINGLE.THING that people face.

Struggle with rejection or self-esteem issues?
Ever been the victim of domestic or sexual abuse/violence?
Struggle with food or eating disorders?
Struggle with anger, depression or anxiety? or any other social/mental disorder?
Struggle with money or material things?
Struggle with your spouse, family or friends (in any way)?
Have you lost a loved one or had your heart broken?
Do you worry more about making others happy than being happy yourself?
Are you living a sexually immoral life (porn, cheating on spouse, sex before marriage, etc)?
Do you live in fear of weird things?

Is there ANYTHING - at all - that seems to weigh on your mind or heart that hinders your relationship with Christ, or hinders your life in any way?  If so, Celebrate Recovery is the place to go to find healing for that!  It may seem small to you, but any issue in our lives is HUGE to our God, and He wants to help us with it.  He doesn't want anything in the way of His relationship with us!

On the Celebrate Recovery webpage, Rick Warren has a message for us.  A small piece of his message reads:

       "The Bible clearly states “all have sinned.” It is my nature to sin, and it is yours too. None of us is untainted. Because of sin, we’ve all hurt ourselves, we’ve all hurt other people, and others have hurt us. This means each of us need repentance and recovery in order to live our lives the way God intended."

That small portion of what he says, really says it all.

The best thing about CR is that it is completely based on the Bible, God's word. 

I've found that when I tell people I attend CR, I get looks or responses that make me feel like I'm being judged.  Also, many who have assumed that I go for alcohol or drug related issues.  Then there are some who admit they have "issues" but then say that those things aren't bad enough for them to go to CR.  Well, like I said, it may seem minor to us, but all of our issues are MAJOR in God's eyes.  Why let any issue, no matter how small it may seem, keep us from having the fullest relationship with Him possible?

I am so very thankful for CR and the healing I've found in my recovery!  I am in recovery multiple things, and have found amazing support and love through my struggles.  I didn't think I was in need of CR.  I thought that my issues were minor and could be dealt with in counseling or just on my own, because they really aren't THAT bad. 

However, I have realized that counseling wouldn't have done me much good. It didn't do me any good, I tried.  I tried medication and every thing else that didn't ever help anything.  It's because I didn't know how to truly work through things, to face them, find and admit my own part in them and then make amends for it, or to forgive others.  CR has taught me how to do all of that. 

Learning how to work through things, facing them, accepting any responsibility that I have and making amends to people I've hurt has honestly made me a different person.  Plus, learning to forgive others has been HUGE!!!  Plus, add that there is a support network of people that understand and can help when things get tough, I can't imagine where I would be without CR!

Really, though... there isn't a person alive who wouldn't benefit from CR.  I pray that word of this program spreads and that people see that this program isn't just for severe issues, it's for every single person, everywhere!  I am okay with being on of "THOSE" people because it has strengthened my relationship with Christ, has allowed me to mend broken relationship from the past, as well as create new relationships that are stronger than relationships of the past! 

Won't you join the amazing healing with us???  For more information, or to locate a group near you, go to the Celebrate Recovery website!

Sinful Living

A topic I've felt very affected by over the last year is willful sin.  Isn't part of being a Christian about wanting to stop living in sin, as much as possible?  If we justify our sin to ourselves, we are letting our flesh win over Christ.  We are being more loyal to the world and our own flesh than to Christ.

Yeah, go ahead and remind me of the judgment rule.  But I am not judging anyone, especially since I have a habit of justifying my own sin and just asking forgiveness for it later.  We all do it, and I feel very led and convicted to do my best to knock that off and to pay more attention to what I am doing and not allow sin to deceive me.  Whether it be the music I listen to, the way I treat others or what I watch on TV.  I am far from perfect in any of these areas, but I have made a lot of changes.  And I hope I continue to make changes as Christ moves me to do so.

James 4:17 says: So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. 

James 3:13 says: If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom.

James 1:22-25 says: But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise you are only fooling yourselves.  For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror.  You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

James 2:14 says: What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?

I used to believe that I could watch tv or movies, as long as I didn't act out what I was seeing or letting it "affect" me.  I used to believe that I could read certain books but if I didn't let it cause me to sin in a physical manner, I was okay.  I felt the music I listened to wasn't going to affect my heart.  I even felt that the things I say were okay, as long as I asked God to forgive me after having said them.  However, I have recently been very convicted otherwise.  I have to control my eyes, just as I should be controlling my tongue.


Matthew 6:22-23 says: "Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!"

The eyes cause us to sin too.  If we are looking at vile or vulgar things, we are just as sinful as a person who is doing vile or vulgar things.  The worst part of it, we are unaware of how bad it is and that makes it that much worse.  Though, if we are aware and do nothing about it, doesn't that make it even worse than being unaware?

I've realized that when I am watching vile and vulgar things, I have vile and vulgar thoughts.  Whether or not I actually act on them is not the point.  In Matthew 5, it is explained that anger is just as sinful as murder (verse 22) and lust is just as sinful as adultery (verse 28).  So, if I am seeing vile and vulgar things, which cause me to think vile and vulgar thoughts, I am being sinful.  Whether or not I act on them is pointless since my thoughts are already just as bad as the actions.


In Psalm 101, David speaks of how he wants to live.  Verses 2-4 say: I will be careful to live a blameless life - when will you come to help me? I will lead a life of integrity in my own home. I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar. I hate all who deal crookedly; I will have nothing to do with them. I will reject perverse ideas and stay away from every evil.

This is how I want to live.  I know that I have a lot in my life that I need to change, and I am changing!  I have stopped watching some tv shows I used to watch because of the content.  I have chosen not to read certain books or watch certain movies due to content.  And I continue to feel led to let go of new things all the time. 

I am very thankful for a loving, forgiving Father that will forgive me when I sin.  Though, I am also very thankful for Him giving me the desire to live in as little sin as I can.  I strive to be more like Christ.  I want try hard to live a sinless life, even though I know I will always fail.  I do not want to purposely live a sinful life just because I know He will forgive me, I want to live a life that shows my devotion to my God and His commands! 

Yes, I am well aware I will fail.  I will continue to sin and will never live a completely sinless life.  It is impossible to do so.  I just choose to try harder, sin less and do my best to be more Christ-like each day!

In and Out of Love

I had more thoughts to add to my last blog, though thought they deserved their own spot!

One thing that I have learned over time is that if I ended a relationship every time I thought love was gone... oh wait... I DID do that... 

I was sitting here thinking about the past relationships and trying to see the pattern of "love" and when/how they ended.  I ended relationships only weeks after thinking I "loved" them because that feeling was gone.  And honestly, a lot of times that feeling was probably not love as much as it was lust.  But either way, they ended the moment that feeling was gone.

The few relationships that I can honestly say that real feelings were involved still ended the moment I thought those feelings were gone.  I always thought love was involuntary and that if it was gone then it meant we weren't supposed to be together.  And even though I can admit now that things did happen how they were supposed to, it was a pattern I kept repeating, even into my current marriage.

I married my first husband for what I thought was love.  We were so compatible and I thought I loved him.  But, the problem there was that we allowed our love to be shared with other people rather than keeping it confined to our marriage.  And because we weren't loving each other, I thought my love had faded and I left.  And I soon found myself loving someone else.

Now, because I kept up that same pattern, even my second marriage faced ending too many times.  I would threaten divorce just because I was unhappy with something.  I would withhold my love if he upset me, or when he withheld his love.  And those were the times that I felt like we were in a "loveless" marriage.  And, it was loveless, because we weren't putting love into it.

But if we had ended our relationship, and I continued my pattern, I have to wonder how many relationships I would have been in and out of by now.   And I would still have never learned the true beauty of what real love is and how amazing it feels!

Love isn't always involuntary.  There are times that we really have to make an effort to love, and be very purposeful about it.  There are going to be times that people are just simply unlovable, but we have to choose to love them anyway.  And to love someone isn't just a feeling we have for them, it is the action we take for and to them. 

I have never known love like this before!  God's love is the only thing better than the love in my marriage!  Fil and I do not HAVE to love each other, we CHOOSE to.  Our love isn't something we just feel quietly within our own hearts, it is something we act on and show each other every day!  Our love is more than something that just exists, it is something we built by CHOICE, TOGETHER!

Love is a Choice

Being divorced, I do understand the argument to leave a marriage due to a lack of love.  I left my first marriage partly due to that reason.  I didn't love him the way I should as a wife, at least that was what I told myself.

So, when I felt the same way about my husband, it seemed only sensible to end things.  I mean, marriage can't survive without love, right?  And if I don't love him, why bother?  If I don't love him the way a wife should, then it wouldn't be fair to either of us to keep going in a "loveless" marriage.  

But, after some thought and prayer, we decided to keep fighting for our marriage, no matter what.

Over the last couple of years I have learned a few things.  First, my marriage has definitely been through some "loveless" times.  Second, there were times that the lack of love was one-sided, meaning only one of us was not loving the other.  Third, love is a choice.  Fourth, love is an action.

Now, what I mean by love is a choice but it is also an action is that we have to CHOOSE to love.  When you are choosing to do something, you are taking action!  When we love, we are taking action! 

The "loveless" times in my own marriage were during times action wasn't being taken, when there was no love being shown.  There were times we were both not loving, and there were times it was just one of us.  But either way, we were choosing not to love each other in those times.  We didn't feel like there was love because we were not providing any.  

The day I got married, I really wasn't sure we'd last long.  Honestly, I didn't marry for love.  I married because I was pregnant and was afraid of doing it on my own.  I mean, I thought I loved him, but I didn't marry him thinking that love would last forever.  So, how did we make it to more than 8 years and 5 children?  Well, we CHOOSE to love each other.  And honestly, I thank God every day for allowing me to love such an amazing man!

It is easy to say love is involuntary, and there are times it really can be.  But when you spend years with someone, things can become "normal" and boring.  It can feel like the love is gone because you get caught up in the day to day and stop focusing on the love you had, thinking it would always just be there.  This is where many couples decide to separate because they think they just "grew apart" or "fell out of love".  Though, I argue that they stopped making a choice to love.

If you wake up every day, doing the same thing (or close to), day after day and year after year, it can get boring.  And it is like that in relationships.  Couples really do need to make a choice to keep that love alive, and to keep lighting the fire they felt early on.  Fires only die if we don't feed them, or feed them the wrong thing.  Marriage is the same way.

I choose, daily, to love my husband.  I choose to uphold the vows I took the day I married him.  I choose the action of love.  I choose not to allow the hard times to come between us.  I choose to make each day different than the last.  I choose to be a wife worthy of his love.  I CHOOSE my husband over everything else.  I make these choices even on days I don't really feel like it, because THAT is what REAL love is, a choice.

I choose to love him every day, even when he is unlovable, because that was the promise I made to him and to God when I married him!

What a reTREAT!

What an AWESOME, AWESOME experience!  This was my first ever women's retreat, and I am so very glad that I went!  I can't even begin to describe the blessings that seemed to just pour out, for many, in the less than 24 hours we were together!  How amazing God is!

Eat, Pray, Love.  The lessons we learned about each of those topics were just great!  Our speaker, Stephanie Edge, talked about what each of them meant to our spiritual walk with Christ, and how to fulfill them with His word!  

Just like we eat food to stay alive, we need to be in God's word to be alive.  Though, many fail to truly study the Bible.  I am personally guilty of this, as I had many excuses not to be studying it.  I don't have enough time, I don't know how, and I can't make it interesting were my excuses... and there are others that are regularly used.  

However, learning the reasons we should study the Bible makes it even more important for me to truly begin and to take it seriously.  Technically I am still a new Christian.  I am still just learning and growing.  But, I want to have spiritual maturity and effectiveness someday too.  Plus, as our speaker said, it is also important to be in the word for spiritual warfare, because as Christians, that is a real fight that we are going to face.  Plus, the ultimate goal to feed others.  I can't do that if I do not know what food to offer them!

Prayer, our conversations with God.  This is still new to me as well.  I am learning how to pray, and learning how to effectively communicate with my Lord and Savior.  Part of the message was that prayer transforms our lives.  And I am quite a testimony to that truth.  Since I started becoming more purposeful in my prayer, and focusing on what blessings I already have and what I can do to bless others, I have found a complete change in my attitude and desires.  I do still struggle with being materialistic, but it's shifting, and that is something amazing!  

Lately I have found myself praying in the shower.  It really is one of the few times I am truly alone and able to have that quite time to focus on God.  I am completely vulnerable and feel that in that vulnerability is when I have the most honest intentions in my prayers.  One thing I have noticed is that I don't tend to pray for things for myself, I thank Him and ask that He use me to bless others.  I also tend to pray for people, especially those who have hurt me in some way.  And I have found some great freedom in that.

Love.  The one area that we all know how to do but often hold back from doing.  There are many reasons why people find it hard to show love, though the main one for me is not feeling appreciated.  I struggle with this more than anything.  I honestly love to love people.  I try to pour my love out to others.  But when I do not feel it is appreciated, or wanted, I tend to withdraw and stop showing any love to anyone.  But after this retreat and really discussing this topic, I want to find more ways to pour my love out to others, and not just to people I know, because God would!

One thing we were asked to do was to make a commitment to something new.  I have made the commitment to attend a women's Bible study at church that I signed up for a while ago and have never gone.  I really have had zero good reasons not to go, only excuses.  No more excuses, I WILL be attending!  The other is begin affirmation jars for Darien and Adrien.  They are growing up and need to be told how amazing they are, and we tend to get caught up and not remind them enough.  With affirmation jars, they can always be reminded of how amazing they are and by our words that are permanently written!  

This weekend was really just amazing!  Even the sermon at church was amazing!  God definitely reached out this weekend and has touched my soul in a great way!

God's Love is Why I Share!

I was asked why I share so much about my life.  Well, that isn't exactly a question that has a simple answer.  I've always been a pretty open person, though my avenue and way of sharing has definitely changed.  I don't like to hide who I am, nor do I feel I should.  By sharing all of the good, bad and ugly of my life, and then sharing the lessons I've learned from it all, I feel is part of what I've been called to do.

I am a firm believer that God calls us all to use our experiences and circumstances to help other who may face the same, or similar, in their lives.  I don't think that my past is going to go to waste because it can be shared to show others the dangers of those choices.  It can also be used to show just how amazing God's mercy, grace, and forgiveness truly is!  Why wouldn't I want to share that with the world?

I know at least a few people that believe I should stay quiet about my past.  They think I should fear the way people will think of me when they know things I've done or gone through.  But really, I just don't.  I used to.  I used to worry that if I shared my past with a Christian that I would be condemned by them because of my choices.  I feared that I would never have friends that were truly followers of Christ because they wouldn't understand my history or who I am now.  I honestly thought that the kind of people I needed as influence in my life were completely out of my league.  But what I have found is that any true follower of Christ won't judge my past, and they won't think any less of me because of my less than perfect history.  Because more often than not, they have a less than perfect history too.

I've found that my sharing has led me to some of the greatest women God has ever put in my life.  Through my honesty and openness, I've really formed bonds with the kind women that I only ever imagined having friendships with.  I've formed relationships with true Christ followers who accept me and my past, and encourage my future!  And, my past doesn't matter.  Even to those who haven't ever been through anything like I have, it just doesn't matter.  Why?  Because like Christ, they have love and acceptance of others!

But the biggest and most important reason for me to share is answered by a message I received from someone that read my story and has followed my blog ever since.  I am not sure how she was first introduced to my blog, and I do not ask a lot of questions.  She is someone I can tell just by her writing that she truly struggles with some demons that are similar to my own.  But her message was so encouraging and eye opening that I will never stop sharing my experiences.

A short portion of her email read:  "you have been such a good influence on me. i have finally opened up to someone i trust about things that happened to me. it was so hard but i am so glad i did it. if it wasn't for reading your blogs and seeing how honest you are, i may have never told anyone. and now i feel like i can take more control to keep making changes, because my life is really hard right now"

There was so much more said than that, but that was enough to encourage me to keep going!  I know that my story won't change anyone's life over night, but even that small change in someone's life is a huge victory!  I am so blessed to have my story to share, even if it is ugly in a lot of parts.  I am blessed to have a loving Savior that forgave me and continues to love me no matter what.  I am blessed to have people who support me, accept me, and love me through all of my brokenness!  And I want to share my blessings with the world!  

That, my friends, is why I share the ugliness of my life!  But look past that and see the beauty that is being created now!  Because God is AMAZING!

Dangerous, Inappropriate Relationships

At a very early age, I learned that I got a long better with males than I ever did with females.  Though, in recent years, I have learned it was because they made me feel good and females didn't.  But, until learning that, I held on to relationships with guys, even when I really should have let go.

For so many years I had these relationships with guys, and often kept guy friends, no matter what relationship situation I was in.  Even after marriage, I held on to these relationships and defended them as innocent, simple friendships.  I couldn't understand why my husband was getting so upset that I would talk to these men that I was "just friends" with.  It used to drive me bananas to feel like he was being ridiculous and over thinking something that was nothing.  And I got nothing short of ticked off when he would act like I was doing something wrong.

What was I doing so wrong?  I was just talking to friends about things that I was struggling with.  Trying to get a male perspective on the issues in my marriage.  It was innocent and there was no reason for my husband to act that way.  So, I fully believed he was the one with a problem, not me.

So, how did I come to realize that those relationships WERE harmful?  Well, I started to learn to little by little as some of those friendships began to turn into something else.  But, I still denied it and defended it.  The real wake up call was getting raped by one of those friends.

Some will argue that rape is different, because it wasn't me doing something wrong.  However, it was exactly because I was doing something wrong that allowed the situation to happen at all.  Now, a woman walking down the street and being raped by an unknown man is one thing... but I was raped by a man I called a friend.  Someone I allowed into my most intimate relationship, someone I had an inappropriate relationship with.

I thought that because he was a church-going, Christian man, and because I knew his wife just as well, that we were safe being friends.  Heck, even my husband believed it was safe.  I mean, this one WAS different.  We'd known each other for years, he was a Godly man, he was married, all four of us were close, and with all of that, how could it be wrong that him and I were close?

I would talk to him about my marriage.  He knew the struggles we had gone through in the past.  He knew that I was realizing my sexual addiction and trying to overcome it.  He knew I had an affair before.  He knew alcohol was a weakness.  He knew these intimate details of my life and my marriage that he really shouldn't have known, because I told him since he was a friend.

So, knowing these things about me and my marriage, and knowing I was in a vulnerable state after being without my husband for over a month, he felt that after I had enough to drink, he would help himself.  You can read my story at:

http://t-overthinker.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-am-not-rape-victim-i-am-rape-survivor.html

While I know I still didn't deserve what happened to me, I am fully aware that my own actions led to that event.  What I allowed in my friendships contributed to that event.  By allowing a man that was not my husband to have an intimate friendship with me, I sent signals that made him believe what he did was okay.  I opened a door that I should have closed and locked.  I know that it doesn't matter what I did, no woman deserves that to happen to her, but I am also very aware that it wouldn't have happened had I stopped crossing the boundaries and having and inappropriate friendship with a man that was not my husband.

I am writing about this for a couple reasons.  One is because I see it happen all too often in marriages, and people just don't seem to truly comprehend where their actions could eventually lead them.  And most likely, very few will experience what we did.  Though, the pain and resentments that happen are still just as real.  And I truly hope that my story shows just how far it really can go if you are not careful to watch your boundaries.

Because of what happened to me, I no longer have close friendships with men.  I am friendly, and do have male friends, but I do not have conversations with them about my marriage.  I do not sit and chat with them like I would my girl friends.  I no longer allow myself to have a one-on-one relationship with any man that is not my husband.  We have some couples that we are friends with, but you will never find me close with the male spouse like I was before. And it simply boils down to the fact that it is wrong to do so and has the potential to lead to very dangerous territory.

There is such a fine line that makes a friendship inappropriate that I no longer leave room for any questions.  I feel that if there is room for questions, I am probably already crossing a boundary, and rather than risking it, I just avoid it.  I instead now turn to my CR group or church leadership if I need to discuss my difficulties with my life and marriage.  I rarely even speak to my female friends about it anymore, because I would rather be over cautious than risking allowing Satan back into my marriage!  And if I am watching my actions, ensuring boundaries are not crossed, Satan has very little room to move in and God keeps His place as head of the marriage!  And that has created a much better marriage than I've ever had before!

Spiritual Maturity

The things I am learning about spiritual maturity is that not every person matures at the same rate, plus it may mean different things to different people. While the ideal of maturity is similar across the board, spiritual maturity can be extremely different from person to person. That is one of the most fascinating things about it!

For me, I find that my spiritual maturity this far has shown me boundaries I have to set for myself. Whether it be music, TV shows, movies, etc... I really have to limit what allow in my mind. This maturity has shown me that Christian music is about all I want to listen to anymore. I do have songs I like, and are not bad, that are not Christian songs, but they are not on my normal rotation of music anymore. I just prefer not to have that crack in the door, possibly allowing the bad stuff to creep in.

But there are many who feel that their spiritual maturity is about being able to listen to secular music without many issues. And for those who can listen to it without it affecting their spiritual walk, awesome for them! I don't find myself even drawn to that kind of maturity.  I personally like that the music I choose fills my mind, heart and ears with the Lord through every song! 

Same with TV shows and movies. Now, I am still working on taming my choices. But if you saw the shows I watched 2 years ago compared to now, you would see a HUGE difference. I choose not to fill my mind with the things that put a definite hindrance on my relationship with Christ, which is what I feel shows my maturity.

This also includes other areas, like how we dress, friends we keep, things we spend our time doing and even how you respond to situations.  Everyone may have a different opinion about what makes them spiritually mature in those areas.  It is such an individual definition, and I love how I can be among people who I believe are spiritually maturing and we are all still very different! 

I know that my personal journey requires a much more definitive line drawn in certain areas than other people may require. My struggles are different and the effects of outside influences are different in my life than the next person. And, that is alright. Just because our struggles, journey, and lines drawn are different does not mean one is more mature than the other, it just means that our maturity means something different.

First Testimony Shared!!!

Oh wow!  Talk about amazing healing!  I got to have a new experience for the first time this weekend, and how blessed I was to have that opportunity!  I gave my testimony for the first time ever!!!

I don't like to think my life has been horrible, but I have experienced some pretty horrible things.  I've done horrible things.  I've seen horrible things.  But I can see now that all of those horrible things have led to today, and that isn't at all horrible.

I wanted to share my story for a while now.  I had imagined myself sharing it, and imagined it being a blessing to someone else.  I never realized what a blessing it would be to ME.  But it surely was a blessing, and I really can't even describe how.

I know that getting it out there was part of it.  Just sharing it, knowing that I am no longer "hiding" myself from people.  Knowing that I am finally fully transparent and getting a better look at just how much God really has done in my life.  Those are part of the blessing.  But there is so much more, and I wish I could put it into words.

And, after I was almost embarrassed at the attention it got me.  Everyone telling me how great I was and how inspiring I was for sharing.  I felt like I was receiving the credit, where I truly deserve none.  God is the reason I was up there, God gave me the words, and God has gotten me to this moment.  It is God who did GREAT, and God who is inspiring!!!

Though, there was one compliment I received that touched me more than any others.  I was thanked for being so open and honest.  The person told me that they've always had a knack for being able to feel the honesty, and that they felt like I was one of the most honest people they'd ever heard give a testimony.  That the pure honesty was what moved them, not my words and not my experiences alone, but the honesty of pouring them out.  And truthfully, that is the one statement that meant the most to me.

I do want my story to inspire people, to move them in some way.  I want people to see how amazing God really is and to see His love shine through what He's done in my life.  I was blessed to be able to share it with a great group of people who were extremely supportive and encouraging, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for it next!!!

Me, It's Who I am!

What kind of stuff do you post to Facebook?  Are you a rare poster, casual poster, o a "let me tell you every detail of my life" poster?  Well, I think I fall closer to that last one.  I post A LOT, and sometimes I post things people may not even want to know.  Know what I say?  Get over it!

Being in the military, I've made friends that are now spread all over the world.  For me, that means a lot of people that I would love to talk to but can't due to time differences or just lives getting too busy for one or the other.  So, the compromise is Facebook in order to keep in touch.  So, I share a lot because it's easier to post things once for everyone to read than to try and talk to so many different people in different parts of the world.

Sometimes I post things that are my opinion or belief.  I don't expect everyone to agree, I only expect some respect for my opinions.  I try my best to respect the opinions of others, so I do think that should be returned to me.  There are times that drama has ensued over something I post.  Most times, I can't exactly help that it happens.  There are many people who feel the need to argue and go back and forth with their opinions.  However, I don't have the intention of creating drama when I post things.  And honestly, I would rather people not comment at all than to have that madness unfold.

I also post some general statements from time to time when something bothers me, or if someone sparks a feeling to do so.  Apparently people feel as if I do this to make direct hits at people.  I don't intend that at all.  A direct hit would involve me calling a person by name.  However, I never do that.  And I would be more likely to go to that person privately than to call them out publicly like that.  But if something happens, I may post a general statement about how I feel about it.  I really can't help if someone feels guilty or takes it personally.  I figure, if that happens, then maybe you should consider why it is you feel that way.  If you think it's about you, when most likely it isn't, but why do you feel guilty?  Maybe it isn't so much about what I posted, it's about what you did to feel guilty about it.

I have no trouble speaking my mind.  And honestly, this gets me in trouble sometimes.  But, its part of who I am, and part of the honesty that I hold dear to me.  Some people don't get it.  Some people think that speaking my mind is drama starting or attention seeking.  And if that is what you wanna label it, then so be it.  I don't see it that way, and let me explain...

If I post about having a bad day, being upset or whatever, I am normally posting because I need to vent.  I need an outlet, and Facebook has been a good one for me.  There are times that I am posting in need of support of my friends and family.  So, if that means I am creating drama or seeking attention, then I guess I will just have to live with that.  Because there are times I won't reach out to a particular person, but I will post in hopes that someone will reach out to me.  And who hasn't needed that at some point in their life?  I just know I do, admit it and am willing to seek it even if I won't directly reach out. 

Plus, me sharing my life with the world is part of my own healing.  I've come a long way in healing the struggles in my life.  And I did that by sharing my life with the public.  By opening up, putting my "dirty laundry" out for everyone to see.  To admit that I have faults and problems, but to show that I am facing them and owning up to them.  To be able to move past that junk and live a better, healthier life.  I don't care who knows my dirty laundry.  Know why?  Because I am a human sinner just like every other person alive, I just have the courage and desire to admit it and get through it, not to hide from it and worry who might judge me.  By writing it, I get it out.  By posting it, I am held accountable for how I continue to live.  That is what I need.

And honestly, life is just full of drama.  The only way to avoid drama all together is to be a hermit.  And I refuse to live that way.  I like people.  I like to be social and share my life with people.  I like to be there for others, to help people and to be part of something outside of my four walls.  So, if I have to deal with some drama in order to have all that, I will.  I don't want to hide from life, I want to live it!  

I've said before... I know who I am, and I love who I am... so if you don't, its okay to admit that.  It's okay to say that you can't handle, or that you don't agree with, the type of person I am.  I know that not everyone is going to like me, and I am okay with that.   I am an open book.  What you see is what you get.  I don't put on a false persona, I don't try to act like something I'm not.  So, you should know pretty quickly if you are going to like me or not.  But for just in case, here is some of who I am:

I am dramatic.  I am sensitive.  I am hormonal.  I am easily hurt.  I am easily angered/frustrated.  I am a woman who over thinks things, worries about everything, thinks the worst in a lot of situations, and tends to over react to the dumbest stuff.

BUT... I am loving, supportive, helpful, I love to be there for others, I want to do good things for people around me, I love to please and take care of people.  I can be your best friend.  I try to do every thing I can for people I care about.  

All of that is just a part of who I am.  It can make for some dramatic stuff at times.  But I am okay with that, and hopefully my friends are too.

Celebrate!!!

So here we are... almost a year since we got back to the U.S. from Germany, and things are going pretty great.  Now, don't let that fool you, we still struggle.  We still have bad days.  We still fight.  And I am not sure about him, but I still have to ask God for the strength and courage to forgive from time to time.

Forgiveness is a process.  One that people don't realize takes so much time and thought to do.  There are times that out of nowhere my mind starts replaying images or words that hurt me.  I know now that those images and thoughts are Satan's doing, trying to undo everything God has worked so hard on in my life.   And, it doesn't matter what I am doing, where I am at, or how hard it is.  I stop and pray.  I ask for God to take the images and thoughts away and to continue to strengthen the forgiveness.

And really, that applies to EVERY situation where I am working on forgiving someone.  I wish it was as easy as saying "I forgive" and it be done, but it's not.  Which, now that I truly understand that, I am able to understand the process of others forgiving me.  But now that we are working on that forgiveness, we no longer hold the past as a way to hurt each other, we have our past as a reason to do better in the future!

In March we will celebrate our 8th anniversary.  And I plan to CELEBRATE it!  We have really worked hard to make it to where we are and we shouldn't take for granted any of it. 

Plus, we will have another reason to celebrate that day!  We will be baptized ON our anniversary.  I've been baptized as an adult, just a couple years ago, though I want this to not be just a statement for the life I want to live as a woman.  I want it to SCREAM my statement of the kind of life I want to live as his wife.  I've had to really grow to get to this point, and I know that it will just be another new beginning in our lives, especially in our marriage!

It has been a crazy 8 years with Filip, but an 8 years that I would never give up. I think we needed our trials to make us closer.  We needed to face those tough struggles to remind us of the important things, and to open our eyes to just how much God loves us.  So, I won't just celebrate the past 8 years, I will celebrate that we have many more years to come!!!

My Children, My Choice

I recently read a blog, one not even worth sharing, that degraded moms.  Basically saying that motherhood is average and not worth much.  It even went on to say that women like Beyonce should be looked up to because she has other people raise her children while she continues her career.  And quite frankly, that disgusts me and makes me worry for the young girls that may think she is right.  She said quite a lot about moms and how they give up greatness for kids and that they do not accomplish anything important with their lives because of their kids.

You know, before I was a mom, it was easy for me to judge the women who decided to bear children and stay home to raise them.  I didn't understand why women wanted to give up their lives to have kids, it didn't look like much fun.  It was something I didn't want and didn't understand why anyone did.  Plus, like this girl expressed, I felt it was what was expected, and I didn't want to do what I was expected to do.

So, when I first found out I was pregnant with Darien, I was sad because I felt like my life was about to end.  I couldn't help but to think of all the things I would miss out on now that there was a child in the picture.  How could I give up my life?

It wasn't immediate, but I did learn quickly that I was so immensely wrong in my thinking.  It began with the first smile, then the first coo and all the way through the first step.  I was simply amazed with the life I had created and couldn't wait to have another baby!  Being a mom DID change everything about my life, but in a way I never expected.

I started to realize that the truly important thing in life was to raise a generation that would keep our country going.  To raise a generation of amazing and loving young people that would run our schools, hospitals and even government offices.  After all, if no one had children, who would take over when we are too old, ill, or dead?

Another thing I realized, after working most of the first year and having Darien in daycare, was that I didn't want someone else raising my kids.  I wanted to raise them myself.  It was then that we decided, as a couple, that I would be a stay at home mom.  And it was the best decision I ever made.

I didn't have children because I was lonely.  I didn't have children to have someone to take care of me when I am old (though it would be nice).  I didn't have children to clean my house.  I didn't have children for any reason other than simply loving them and wanting them.  And there is no other reason necessary.

I could have chosen not to become a mom.  I could have chosen to work outside the home and chase dreams that were of very little importance.  I could have chosen to pay other people to raise my kids for me while I still chased selfishness (and I am not by any means calling women like Beyonce selfish).  I could have done anything else that I wanted to do.  But what I REALLY decided that I WANT to do is be a mom.

Now, some people may agree with the girl who wrote that horrid blog and believe that what I do is unimportant.  But remember, when you are old and don't have any children there to help you or care for you, it will be the rest of us moms' children who are handling your pay, health care and other things that you will be relying on.  So, deem me unimportant and pray that my children won't repay you with that sentiment later.

Honestly, I have to wonder why woman go to war with each other over these things?  Why are we quick to judge the other side without considering that maybe they truly enjoy where they are?  I think it's great that women choose not to have children and chase their dreams!  I think it's wonderful that women work outside the home to help provide for their family.  I think it's simply amazing that women make their own choices and do what they do no matter what others think of them.  I just think we could do that without trashing each other.  

His Love and Forgiveness!

Honesty.  Whew.  It's scary.

I've been writing about things that I've never told anyone.  Some of the things I never even told my closest friends.  And I am a little fearful of people changing their opinion of me or judging me, but it's honestly been very freeing to get it out.

Sharing these parts of me is far from easy.  And if I thought that I could heal and keep them to myself, I probably would.  However, I know that healing is about being honest about who I am, and these things are part of who I am.  Ugly or not, every part of my past has helped get me to where I am now, and I am blessed to be here.

One of the things I am really noticing is that I no longer think about my past and feel sorry for myself.  I don't want to sit around and have a pity party because life was difficult or because I made some extremely poor choices.  What I feel now is empathy for all those people out there who have gone through any of the things I have, or worse.  I don't want to cry for myself, I want to cry for others who haven't found the healing and love that I've found.

God is simply AMAZING.  My history is tarnished, my past is ugly and dark in many spots.  I treated myself and others like nothing more than objects and took advantage of the niceness of others.  Yet, God still accepts me and forgives me.  He doesn't see me for my past, He sees His child who needs love and discipline.  He sees that I am human and that I require forgiveness. 

God has changed my life.  I went from a broken young girl with no hope to a woman who now won't get out of my bed without hope, and I am being mended by His unfailing love!

Psalms 71: 5-8 says:

O Lord, you alone are my hope.

I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.

Yes, you have been with me from birth;

from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.

No wonder I am always praising you!

My life is an example to many,

because you have been my strength and protection.

That is why I can never stop praising you;

I declare your glory all day long.

My life only is what it is because of God!  I will praise His name for the rest of my days for that reason!!!