Dangerous, Inappropriate Relationships

At a very early age, I learned that I got a long better with males than I ever did with females.  Though, in recent years, I have learned it was because they made me feel good and females didn't.  But, until learning that, I held on to relationships with guys, even when I really should have let go.

For so many years I had these relationships with guys, and often kept guy friends, no matter what relationship situation I was in.  Even after marriage, I held on to these relationships and defended them as innocent, simple friendships.  I couldn't understand why my husband was getting so upset that I would talk to these men that I was "just friends" with.  It used to drive me bananas to feel like he was being ridiculous and over thinking something that was nothing.  And I got nothing short of ticked off when he would act like I was doing something wrong.

What was I doing so wrong?  I was just talking to friends about things that I was struggling with.  Trying to get a male perspective on the issues in my marriage.  It was innocent and there was no reason for my husband to act that way.  So, I fully believed he was the one with a problem, not me.

So, how did I come to realize that those relationships WERE harmful?  Well, I started to learn to little by little as some of those friendships began to turn into something else.  But, I still denied it and defended it.  The real wake up call was getting raped by one of those friends.

Some will argue that rape is different, because it wasn't me doing something wrong.  However, it was exactly because I was doing something wrong that allowed the situation to happen at all.  Now, a woman walking down the street and being raped by an unknown man is one thing... but I was raped by a man I called a friend.  Someone I allowed into my most intimate relationship, someone I had an inappropriate relationship with.

I thought that because he was a church-going, Christian man, and because I knew his wife just as well, that we were safe being friends.  Heck, even my husband believed it was safe.  I mean, this one WAS different.  We'd known each other for years, he was a Godly man, he was married, all four of us were close, and with all of that, how could it be wrong that him and I were close?

I would talk to him about my marriage.  He knew the struggles we had gone through in the past.  He knew that I was realizing my sexual addiction and trying to overcome it.  He knew I had an affair before.  He knew alcohol was a weakness.  He knew these intimate details of my life and my marriage that he really shouldn't have known, because I told him since he was a friend.

So, knowing these things about me and my marriage, and knowing I was in a vulnerable state after being without my husband for over a month, he felt that after I had enough to drink, he would help himself.  You can read my story at:

http://t-overthinker.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-am-not-rape-victim-i-am-rape-survivor.html

While I know I still didn't deserve what happened to me, I am fully aware that my own actions led to that event.  What I allowed in my friendships contributed to that event.  By allowing a man that was not my husband to have an intimate friendship with me, I sent signals that made him believe what he did was okay.  I opened a door that I should have closed and locked.  I know that it doesn't matter what I did, no woman deserves that to happen to her, but I am also very aware that it wouldn't have happened had I stopped crossing the boundaries and having and inappropriate friendship with a man that was not my husband.

I am writing about this for a couple reasons.  One is because I see it happen all too often in marriages, and people just don't seem to truly comprehend where their actions could eventually lead them.  And most likely, very few will experience what we did.  Though, the pain and resentments that happen are still just as real.  And I truly hope that my story shows just how far it really can go if you are not careful to watch your boundaries.

Because of what happened to me, I no longer have close friendships with men.  I am friendly, and do have male friends, but I do not have conversations with them about my marriage.  I do not sit and chat with them like I would my girl friends.  I no longer allow myself to have a one-on-one relationship with any man that is not my husband.  We have some couples that we are friends with, but you will never find me close with the male spouse like I was before. And it simply boils down to the fact that it is wrong to do so and has the potential to lead to very dangerous territory.

There is such a fine line that makes a friendship inappropriate that I no longer leave room for any questions.  I feel that if there is room for questions, I am probably already crossing a boundary, and rather than risking it, I just avoid it.  I instead now turn to my CR group or church leadership if I need to discuss my difficulties with my life and marriage.  I rarely even speak to my female friends about it anymore, because I would rather be over cautious than risking allowing Satan back into my marriage!  And if I am watching my actions, ensuring boundaries are not crossed, Satan has very little room to move in and God keeps His place as head of the marriage!  And that has created a much better marriage than I've ever had before!