100th Post, beginning of 2012!!!

So, not only is this the first post of 2012, it's also my 100th post!!! This is mighty special! I've been trying to pick a good topic and haven't had much come to mind. So, I will just tell you all how I brought in the new year since I enjoyed the night!

Well, first, early in the evening I started to have pain in my lower back side, on my right side. Felt like someone stabbing me. After a short nap, it seemed to be better. So, I finished up the yummy food I was making and just about the time our friends came over, it was back. Not sure what it is but possibly a UTI or kidney stones. Either way, I refused to spend my new years in the ER. I took some meds and dealt with it and now I am feeling alright!

The day started off with my getting my beef stew cooking!!! YUMMY!!! I had 4lbs of stew beef I needed to use, so it made for a great meal! I also made some apple empanadas and sweet potatoes! Everything was delicious and well worth the day spent making it!

The stew

The empanadas

Our friends, Tigger and Tyler and their daughter Gracie, came to eat and bring in the new year with us! We ate, and stuffed our faces full!!! After watched some movies, some comedy shows and play a little Apples to Apples! Some may not call this a night to remember, but I sure will remember it! Bringing in the new year with great friends is always a great time!!!

Right at midnight we went outside to see what we could see of the fireworks, which wasn't much. I kissed my husband, now for the 6th new year spent together, and was even able to kiss Darien!!!

We took a couple pics and that was our night! I loved every moment of this quiet night at home with friends and family!!! While partying the new year in is what it's all about for some, having my family with me is the best way I can see bringing in the new year!

So, Happy New Years everyone!!! Wishing all lots of happiness and great things in 2012!

2012 WILL be GREAT!

I'm not normally one to make New Years resolutions because I NEVER stick to what I say. I normally make hard resolutions that are impossible to accomplish, therefor disappointing myself. Well, this year I am making some resolutions and I am making them easy enough to accomplish!

First, I am setting a goal of going somewhere I've never been, see something I've never seen and do something I've never done. Living in Europe makes this easy!!! There is so much to do and see and so many places to go, we just have to do it!!!

Second, I want to get back into college classes and not take a break between classes. Now, I am leaving some wiggle room with this for emergencies, but if nothing is going on, I want to take back to back classes and do well with it! I need to get the degree knocked out so that I can work when we are back in the US.

Third, I want to take my new business as far as I can. I am hoping to sign at least 10 Loyal Customers and recruit 2 people. I think I can definitely do this in 1 year. That gives me 12 months! If I can't do that, I am not trying hard enough.

Fourth, I want to lose weight and get healthy! I am not setting specific goals here because I may not be able to get to a certain number. I just want to have a body that I would be comfortable wearing a bikini! It really shouldn't be too awful hard, but it's going to be a lot of work!

Lastly, and most importantly, I want to work on being a better wife, mother, family member, friend and person overall! I'm flaky at times and when I am upset or having a bad day, I can tend to forget that other people have things going on too. But my real goal is to be the person that God intends me to be for all the people in my life!

What are your goals for 2012???

Probably shouldn't but do

I've had something on my mind and I want to get it out before the new year. I'm going to really try to make a change in my posts in 2012, posting only positive or motivational stuff. But for now, I need to get this out. I probably shouldn't have this on my mind, but unfortunately, I do.

I'm still friends with some of my exes. Well, probably with more than most people. But keep in mind, this is also including people I wasn't "exclusive" with. I am considering anyone I've had more than a platonic friendship with. And I am also going to be speaking about some that I am not friends with but know what's going in their life because we have mutual friends.

Some things I am just confused about. I know I am not God's gift to men or anything but seriously... I see the women these guys are with, or hear about how they are treated by these women and just don't understand it. I wasn't the greatest girl friend to some of them but there were a few who were treated pretty darn good. Now they are with women who degrade them, cheat on them and just treat them like total crap.

I know this doesn't reflect me or our relationship but it does make me wonder what was so wrong with me that I wasn't wanted more than I was. Did I try TOO hard? Was I not good in bed? Was I just plain dumb? What was it that they didn't like about me but keeps them with these women who are so horrible to them? It's kinda hard not to wonder these things. Especially when they could have had me so completely and chose someone who treated them poorly.

Though, I guess seeing all of this can make me more thankful I am where I am. My marriage isn't perfect but even with the imperfections my husband treats me pretty good. He has his moments when he can be a jerk, but all men do I guess. But 95% of the time he treats me really well.

Even though I have a really good life, it's hard not to question things like this. But I have to try to keep in mind that it must have all been God's plan to get me where I am now. With my husband and our 3 adorable boys! Now I just wish some of these guys would wake up and realize they deserve so much better than what they are allowing themselves.

Mistakes don't bring different outcomes

Ever heard the saying "If you keep doing what you've always done you will keep getting what you always got"? Or even "If you make the same mistake twice, the second time it wasn't a mistake it was a choice"? Well, seems lately these are statements I want to tell MANY people. People seem to do the same things over and over and some how believing the outcome will be better than the last time. I just don't understand it. And most times, they call them "mistakes" yet they continually do the same things.

I'm not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm completely guilty of doing things over and over and expecting different outcomes. I've even made choices to make mistakes more than once, sometimes a handful of times, and still thinking the outcomes should have been different. Well, how can we expect the outcome to be different if we keep doing the same thing? Mistakes or not, people have got to change things in the life if they ever want to go anywhere different.

Cheating on your spouse is a mistake, the FIRST time. After that, you are making a choice to do that same mistake. If you don't want to keep making that mistake, change something. Change the company you keep, change the people you chat with online, change the places you go and change the way you talk to people. If it's something that happens with the influence of alcohol, QUIT drinking.

When your spouse finds out, no one is going to blame them for treating you like crap. And when it's happened more than once, they will eventually get to a point of leaving. Don't get upset with them, they've stuck around for your antics, be mad at yourself because you CHOSE to make those mistakes over and over and they finally CHOSE to not deal with it anymore. I don't have sympathy for the people who constantly cheat and act a fool when their spouse's finally put their feet down and quit listening to all the excuses.

If you aren't married but keep sleeping with all the wrong people, well, there's a way to change that too. Quit going to bed with people so quickly (men, you too) and/or change the places you hang out to meet people. Picking guys up in the bar isn't the likely place to meet your future husband. Going home with the guy on the first night is not likely to let him believe you are even marriage material. But quit whining that you never seem to find the "right" person when your choices of where and how to get someone never changes.

Now, just so everyone reading this understands, I am guilty of both situations noted above. I've cheated and I've whined because I kept finding all the wrong guys and getting my heart broken. I was married and divorced and then remarried all before I turned 22. I won't go into details but just know that I am married to a man who doesn't put up with my crap. He loves me but he knows me. He knows my past and knows just how things work in my head and he doesn't put up with it. At the same time, though, he trusts me. He knows I've tried really hard to make changes and sees it every day.

Well, because I love my husband, I've changed some things about myself and been working on being a better me. I don't do it just for him, I do it for myself and our kids as well. If I keep making the same choices in my life to do all the things I did before, then I am just asking for the same bad things to happen. I'm still not the perfect wife, I still make mistakes, but after making a mistake I try my hardest not to make that same mistake again.

So, when I see people cheating on their spouse, getting caught and doing it again and getting caught and then the situation at home gets worse, I don't have sympathy for them. Not at all. If I am able to do things differently, anyone can. I've changed the people I talk to, hang out with and tried to only surround myself with people who are of good influence. That alone has been a change. I have people I call on when I feel over stressed or when things aren't going how I want them to, who don't let me take the easy ways out or take the road of a short fix. I call on them because I know they will remind of what a good man I have and will remind me of the problems I would cause if I made certain choices.

It's not the easiest thing because, at times, I don't want to hear certain things. I want my feelings to be validated and someone to tell me I'm right. Well, that was the first best choice I made. To not always go to those who will tell me what I want to hear, but tell me what I NEED to hear. It's not easy and I have to make the conscience decision to do the right thing but my marriage is WORTH every moment of it.

So, to those out there who make these bad choices and keep making them, sorry but don't come here looking for sympathy. If you want a good swift kick in the rear, I'm the right person to come to then. And don't come to me, or go to anyone for help, after the fact, I can't help you there. If you want help then GROW UP, reach out and call someone before you act a fool. You will gain more respect from everyone around you and you will prove your love to those you keep hurting. You will also prove that you are trying to be a better person and spouse by making that conscience decision to put other people's feelings before your own desires... Think about that.

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This is always the time of year we begin to think about all the things we are thankful for. When I look around and think about all the things I have, I could list things I am thankful for and be here for days. I've had such a good life, even in the bad times, and am truly thankful for all of it.

I'm thankful that my husband has a job that almost ensures us a paycheck. I'm thankful that paycheck has allowed for me to stay home with our children and for things I like to have. I'm thankful for family and friends that support me. I'm thankful for my children. I'm thankful for ALL of life's everyday blessings.

Like I said, I could be here for days trying to list everything I have to be thankful for. The thing I am MOST thankful for is God's love. I know I still have days when I struggle, but I know he's always there and is keeping me safe and loved. He is the one who has given me all the things I am thankful for. Without Him, my life wouldn't be the same.

What are you thankful for this holiday season?

I Asked for That Already

A little over a year ago was the first REALLY scary moment of being a mom. The day that Adrien fell off a bar stool and passed out. Then, just a few short months ago was another scary day when Darien fell over and hit his head so hard he basically had a seizure. Both events were equally horrifying. They were two of the most scary days I've ever experienced. Well, today I believe I really experience the scariest day of being a mom, thus far.

Jorden has been sick. He's congested and raspy and has been coughing. I took him to his 2 month check-up, just 2 days after being in the ER, and asked his Dr for the medicine to use in a nebulizer. I was told it was unnecessary because the inhaler should do enough. Seeing as how we SHOULD be able to put faith in our medical care, I didn't push the issue. Less than 48 hours later I ended up calling an ambulance to take him to the hospital.

Because I was told he was okay, I went ahead and kept my plans for the night, leaving Jorden with my friends teenage daughter while we all went out. I gave him all his meds, including his inhaler, before we left. I worried the entire time but trusted the doctors assessment of him.

After being out until really late, having some drinks and not getting much sleep I was awoken very early by the sound of Jorden coughing. This coughing wasn't just a simple cough. It was cough after cough with hardly any time between for breathing. After the girl hands him to me I watch as he coughs, not being able to get any breaths in between, causing him to turn blue and then purple pretty quickly. That moment has so far been the scariest moment of being a mom.

I get my husband out there, he takes him and goes to the bathroom for the hot water vapor while I call an ambulance. They get there, check him out and without hesitation tell us they are taking us to the German Children's hospital. I, of course, was okay with this. When we arrive, the doctor swabs his nose and throat to be sure there is no bacteria keeping him from getting better. They also start a breathing treatment while we wait.

After listening to him, doing a thorough check and negative labs for bacteria, she gives us our instructions. We are to give him breathing treatments 3x's a day with a nebulizer. Huh. Exactly what I asked for just the other day. Otherwise not much was said, but it's obviously in his lungs if they are giving me the breathing treatments.

Since getting the meds for the nebulizer and using it, he sounds so much better than he did before. He is raspy but nothing like he was. He is even happier, less fussy and all around just acting like a fairly normal baby. It is pretty sad that I now have more confidence in the German medical care than I do in the military medical care. They've (the American doctors) proven once again that they stink and don't really know what they are talking about.

I'm just sick of them proving this when it's my child's health that is in question.

love and heartbreak

Heart breaks suck. Yup, straight to the point and no working up to that fact. Heart breaks absolutely stink.

I was recently reminded of a time my heart was broken as a teenager. Someone I cared for, more than I should have, tore my heart right out. You wouldn't have known it then, but it did a lot of damage. Though, I knew the circumstances and shouldn't have been hurt by it but I started to really "love" him. I believe that was about the time I quit caring so much about people (guys in particular) so deeply.

Don't get me wrong, I still cared about them, just quit allowing myself to get wrapped up in feelings. It became easier and easier to walk away and let go. I started to use that heart break to remind me of why guys weren't good enough for me. This leading to a couple of years that I couldn't stand to be alone, but also couldn't stay with the same guy for very long.

Now, being reminded of that reminds me of how easy it was for me to fall for someone. How easily I began to care about people. But I also feel like it may be the beginning of why I've closed myself off from people, even those who could be friends.

I feel like I can easily talk to people but it takes A LOT for me to open up and open my heart to people. And, just like that time, most times I end up hurting. Many people have asked me why I don't stop opening up to people. Well, I don't want to be lonely.

If I'd never endured heart break it means that I'd never experienced love. I wouldn't want to go through life not knowing the kind of love that hurts when it's taken away. Family, boyfriends and friends who have broken my heart just goes to show that I've been lucky enough to feel love for many people in my life.

I have no doubt that I will continue to feel heart break for as long as I live. Though, I will forever remember that first real heart break and know that I was truly lucky to experience it.

They grow too fast

Hey there! I know it's been a while since I've posted, so I am getting a couple moments to update now.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind and have definitely gone by WAY too quickly. Jorden is now 6 weeks old and I feel like they just handed him to me yesterday. I love watching my boys grow but I wish it was a little slower.

We are now trying to get Jorden on a schedule. He is breast fed so it's a little more difficult that it was with my other two, mostly, bottle fed babies. He is doing great, though, trying to adjust to this new way of things. He's just a joy and I am loving having a baby again.

Darien and Adrien are adjusting pretty well. Adrien took a little longer to warm up to him but now he is the protective big brother. It's really cute. Though, he's also the one who laughs when Jorden cries, so... I can already tell they are going to have a love/hate relationship with each other. Darien is just so proud of his little brother, it's awesome hearing him brag to everyone about him.

Other than that, like is the same as always. We are trying to get ready for the holidays and all the craziness that will be coming the next couple of months. It's still so hard to believe it's already the end of October. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season!!!

3 Weeks later

Well, it's been 3 weeks since I gave birth to my amazing lil man, Jorden. He's such a sweet baby. Only really cries when he's hungry and sleeps the rest of the day. And by day, I mean just the DAY. He's got days and nights mixed up right now so we are trying to work on switching that around. So, dealing with an unhappy baby tonight.

Other than the mixed up nights and days, he's been an absolute joy. I have been mostly breastfeeding him but have used some formula in between to help with his growth spurts. He's grown an inch since birth and gained almost a pound. So, needless to say, he's been a very hungry lil boy.

We had his newborn photos done! They turned out amazingly! I'm very happy with the photos and the experience!

They are super cute. Though, it helps that he is super cute ;)

Now we are just trying to get a schedule down. Having older kids makes it necessary. I'd love to follow advice and feed on demand and allow him to keep me up all night but I have to take care of my other kids too. So, trying for a schedule and hoping he agrees.

The older boys love him. Darien brags about his brother. Adrien is still coming around but he's a lot more helpful than he was. He just wants to help get things, not really have interaction with Jorden. He will get diapers, wipes and other items he just won't play with or really be affectionate with him. But hey, it's better than him being mean or jealous. I will take it!

He's Here, how Jorden entered the world!!!

Wow! What a weekend we've had!!! Jorden finally graced our lives by being born at 3:53am on September 16th! And when they say every pregnancy, labor and child are different, they surely are not joking. I really enjoyed my labor and birthing experience even though nothing went how I would have liked, or hoped for.

Darien was induced 5 days past his due date with no previous signs (other than once at 37 weeks when I took castor oil) of labor other than being slightly dilated. From the start of induction til delivery was about 7 hours total.

Adrien came on his own 3 days past his due date. I was having contractions though I didn't believe that I was in labor because they weren't really painful. My best friend talked me into going in just to be checked out and told I was already 7cm dilated. Yup, talk about being shocked. From the time we arrived at the hospital to delivery was roughly 6 hours, though would have been shorter if I'd skipped the epidural.

I had an epidural with both boys so I really hoped that with this delivery I could skip it and have a quick and natural labor. Well, here is how it all happened...

Thursday was the beginning of the Bazaar that takes place on base 1-2 times a year. It's pretty much like a large flea market, only WAY better :) I wanted to go. Just to get out of the house and do something with the kids, knowing I was running short on time to do things with them, just as the 3 of us.

So I meet up with a friend and we head out there! We walked around and looked at a bunch of stuff and I even bought something Filip had been looking for and we couldn't seem to ever find exactly what he wanted. Anyway, we also got a bit of food, FUNNEL CAKE being of top priority.

After seeing mostly everything, I decided to get a baked potato. Man, was it delicious. But when I sat down to eat I felt a small drop of liquid leaving my body. Nothing that was concerning seeing as how most women, especially me, at 39 weeks pregnant do tend to have drops of urine when they have a full bladder. It happens, so no biggy. I mentioned needing to use the restroom but first finished my tater.

After I eat we decided to walk back to get a bubble gun for the boys. They'd been really good while we were out there and I felt the deserved a reward! But first, I had to pee. I find the restroom and go. Something seemed different this time, though I didn't really think twice about it. Even my pee looked different, though not alarming since I did have 2 sodas while we'd walked and ate. So, I finish my business and head back to my friend and kids.

Pretty much the second I stepped outside of the bathroom, I had a tiny little gush of fluid, though at the time really thought I just didn't empty my bladder enough. I stopped, went to go back to the bathroom to finish and it just kept coming. Yup, it was happening, my water had broke.

I was still unsure though. My water never broke on it's own with the other boys so I really didn't know what it was like. All I know is that I had emptied my bladder and yet I was still peeing all over myself.

I go get my friend and tell her that I need to go, it being around 4 in the afternoon. Told her my water broke and to the vehicles we went. Because she's such an amazing person, she took my kids home with her and also took me to Fil at work. She took my van home and Fil just drove us to the hospital.

The whole car ride nothing more came out, which made me worry that I really had just urinated on myself. So, we arrive to the hospital and I am becoming discouraged. I get out of the car and have another gush. Well, I figured at that point that it must be my water because there is no way I had THAT much pee in my bladder.

We walk up to Labor and Delivery, every step causing more and more liquid to come out. By the time we got there, I was soaked so badly that you could hear the sloshing of the water in my jeans. It was awful and I totally looked like I went swimming in my clothes. And even though it's one of those things, it was quite embarrassing to walk around looking like I was peeing on myself.

So, I check in and they take me to my room. I asked if they were going to verify if it was my water and they looked at my jeans and said they see that it is quite obvious to them. Well, alrighty then :)

They get me all hooked up on the monitors and what not and I am ready to get the party started. Now, all we had to do was wait for those contractions to start. So we wait. And wait. And wait. I had maybe 2 small contractions and nothing else. Around 6 the nurse mentions starting pitocin to get contractions going. Well, I was really hoping to avoid that so I asked to wait a while longer. They agreed but didn't want to wait too long. Then Fil ran home to change clothes and gave me even more reason to wait a little bit on starting the pitocin.

Around 9pm I finally agree to start it. I just wanted to have him. So, they start it around 930pm. The contractions didn't take long to start up but even with the pitocin, if I got up and moved around, the contractions would slow down and stop. This showed that even the medicine wasn't really sending me into real labor. How wonderful.

After about 2 hours of having these powerful contractions that were doing nothing, I gave in and asked for some pain meds. I was still really trying to go with no epidural but asked for pain relief. The gave me fentenol. Amazing. I was slightly, ok more than slightly, high and the pain was gone. I could still feel the contractions but without the painful burn of them.

That lasted about an hour, then the pain was back. Though, I was able to push through for a little bit before asking for more. The second dose didn't take ALL the pain away, but a good chunk of it. So once that one wore off, I asked for more because they were terribly painful. That 3rd shot did nothing for the pain, they were coming so fast and strong that I felt like my stomach was on fire.

She checked me again (when I arrived I was 5cm) and I was STILL only 5cm. At that point, I decided to give in and just get the epidural. I'd endured about as much as I could. I felt like a failure but knew that I just wouldn't make it through that kind of pain without it progressing. If I'd at least dilated more, I would have tried harder but there was no way I could go through hours and hours of those contractions.

So, they get the epidural going pretty quickly. Though, there was a spot on my left side that I could still feel the contractions and the burning sensation in my pelvic area. They pulled the epidural thread out just a cm to give more area and laid me on my side. Once the pain was gone, they checked me again. In that short time, probably about 45 minutes- 1 hour since I was last checked, I jumped to 8cm. FINALLY, progress.

In less than an hour I was fully ready to go. The nurse went to get the dr and we were getting geared up to see our baby boy!!! I did a small test push, which just showed that I was really ready :) Just waiting for the Dr. Once he came in an =d was suited up and ready to go, I started pushing. For all of 13 minutes, as I watched everything in the mirror, I pushed with all my might so that I could finally hold my son.

Yup, 13 minutes and 4 pushes is all it took to get him out! Though, it may have been less pushes had we known for sure if I was having contraction when I pushed. They'd take the monitor off so we were pushing blindly since I had no feeling at the time. But he was finally out, and I was finally holding him.

I didn't fall in love with him right away. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, just wasn't totally in awe immediately. Though, the first feeding, which was within minutes of him being born, is when I looked down and realized that he had just stolen my heart.

I had no tearing, no stitches, nothing other than the normal swelling!!! He was my smallest child, weighing in at 7lbs 2oz and 20 inches long. He's tiny. Especially after having 2 babies over 8lbs, that 1lb sure does make a difference. But, he's extremely handsome anyway.

I can now say that I have 4 guys that my heart belongs to. 4 guys that have to share me and all get to be loved by me!!! The 4 most important guys in my entire world! But that is how guy #4 came in our world to add more love and happiness!!!