Forgiveness, Again

I have wanted to write for weeks, finding that I have had a serious block on what to write about.  I would start typing and find that I was saying nothing more than gibberish.  I've had a lot on my plate recently, so organizing my thoughts has been pretty low on the priority list.  However, I finally found some inspiration through church and podcast videos that I have been watching.  I have written about this before, but it's a topic that is ongoing.


One of the hardest things to do is forgive.  To truly forgive a person, especially someone who hurt you to your core.  Forgiveness is misunderstood, and often not given because of the misunderstanding.  I have learned, and am still learning, a lot about forgiveness.  I am offering it to people who I used to think didn't deserve it.  I am also learning to forgive myself for things that I used to think couldn't be forgiven.  But I want to talk about the misconceptions of forgiveness, the parts that I struggled with.


The first misconception is that forgiving a person excuses their behaviors or actions and makes them okay.  No.  This is not true.  In fact, it is almost the opposite.  When we forgive a person, we acknowledge that their actions were wrong and hurtful, but we also decided that we do not want to keep allowing it to hurt us.  We are letting go of that pain and allowing ourselves freedom from it.


The second misconception is that by forgiving a person you are giving them the okay to do it again.  Not at all.  Forgiving isn't their pass to continue hurting us, even if people do abuse it that way.  Again, forgiveness is about recognizing the wrongs done but freeing ourselves from the pain. 


The third, and most common misconception I've heard, is that when we forgive someone it means we have to allow them back into our lives.  Nope.  I will say that each circumstance is different, but just because you forgive someone does NOT mean you MUST allow them to continue to be an active part of your life.  If them being an active part of you life would continue to cause you physical or mental pain, then it is completely reasonable to distance yourself.  Forgiving them doesn't mean you have to allow them to continue hurting you and forgiving them some more.


Since situations can be a huge factor in forgiveness, let's look at that.  Say your spouse cheats on you.  They tell you about it, or you find out somehow.  If you choose to forgive them, that doesn't mean you are telling them what they did was okay.  You are not telling them they should, or can, do it again.  But in this situation, I do think that trying to work through things is okay.  However, if the continued to cheat on you, you do not have to stay in that relationship.  Cheating hurts, bad.  It causes the worst kind of emotional damage a person can feel.  So, to continually be hurt by someone that way is not something anyone, to include God, expects you to endure.  You can walk away from that hurtful relationship and still forgive them.


What about a childhood sexual abuser?  The commonality of this is quite frightening.  Forgiving an abuser is difficult.  And for many, the idea of the person who abused them being part of their lives is even more terrifying.  This is that case where you can forgive and move on without having to allow the person any part of your life.  Especially not if they were to continue to abuse you.  This is a situation when you forgive from afar and just let go of it completely.  You are not excusing their actions, nor are you giving them a free pass to do it again.  You are forgiving for yourself to move on, freeing your own emotions from the hold it had on you.  No need to let that person continue to hurt you.


Have you noticed anything yet?  There is a pattern about this.  What forgiveness is for, what it does, who it's for.  Forgiveness is for YOU, it frees YOU.  When we are angry or hurt by someone else, the only person those emotions hurt is ourselves.  Our internal emotions don't hurt them, and our responses only show them that they are affecting us, which is normally what encourages them even more.  By forgiving them, we are taking a step past them and showing them that they can no longer hold us back.  Showing them that we are stronger than anything they did, or can do, to us.  We are showing strength.  We free ourselves from the pain, anger and resentments of their actions against us.


Freedom is wonderful!  I am waking up, daily, choosing to forgive people who have hurt me.  Many of them are still part of my life, though many are not.  I am even choosing to forgive myself for things I have done.  I am not excusing my actions, blaming anyone else or even trying to act like they didn't happen.  I am forgiving myself so that I can take it as a lesson learned and move on.  To free myself of the pain, guilt and shame I have felt for too long.  To no longer allow my past mistakes to control my life today. 

It is a work in progress.  Forgiveness, it's a process.  A process that I have to choose to do each and every day.  A process that is worth the daily effort because I am more free now than I ever was!