Am I losing it? Most days it sure feels like I am. I feel so overwhelmed with life, everything about it. I have tried to keep it together, and I have especially at least tried to let others believe I was keeping it together. However, inside, I was just slowing down the process of completely falling apart. My heart was being chipped at, by small things, and it finally hit the shatter point.
I've always had suspicions that Adrien, now 5 years old, was on the autism spectrum, just very mild. I think that suspicion is very close to becoming our reality. We do not have an official diagnosis but I am working hard to get in with the right doctors and therapists to be sure. But, no matter how much, or how long, I suspected it, it still felt like a ton of bricks hit me when a "professional" saw it in him too. Now, I didn't even mention it. I went it without any of my own suspicions, I wanted them to tell me what they saw, and that was what she saw. And, I quote professional because she is a licensed counselor but does not specialize in ASD. Anywho... it was still hard to hear something I already knew, knowing that this could be a potential struggle for him throughout his life. I also felt like I should have taken him in sooner, had all this done, SOONER. But either way, we start now and we work on making sure our boy is happy and knows God.
Then, on Friday, we went for Jonathen 6 month check up (yes, we are just a little behind). He had a spot that I wondered about, just above his boy part, that started off looking like a raised rash. However, it hasn't gone down and looks swollen. So, I mention it to the Dr, who was already looking at it. Well, his testicles haven't dropped yet, and they couldn't be felt during the exam, and that spot has a fatty feel with a hard spot behind it. Could be nothing (or his testies just up really high and unable to drop on their own) , could be a cyst and could be a tumor. We have to go on Tuesday to get an ultrasound on him to find out what is going on. And honestly, that was what broke me. Shouldn't I have noticed the testicles not dropping? I mean, he is my fourth boy.
I am worried. Even if it is just his testies up that high, it is likely that it will require manual (surgery) dropping. That freaks me out. I feel worried for my child, worried for our family (if it is something more) which then makes me feel dumb because there are many other families losing their kids. I also know that when the dr tells me he's fine, I am going to feel even more dumb for worrying so much. But he's my baby... I can't help but to worry.
All this worry, on top of all the stress, on top of the already building depression, I really just needed to break. I am still breaking, and I am going to likely be in pieces for a little bit of time. However, I finally agreed to try some medication, because I know that I can't snap out of it like I want to. That, along with my faith, I hope can bring me out of this horrid funk.
Though, that is part of the issue too. I haven't been trusting God like I should. I haven't leaning on Him like I should. I don't feel like I question my faith, but I just don't trust anyone after being severely let down by many people I thought I could trust. It's hard to trust, it's hard to honestly let go of this worry and feel comfort in the unknown. But most of all, it's hard feeling so out of control of everything.
There are other things going on as well, though I won't be discussing them right now. I only mention it because it isn't just these two things, there is still many things going on. And all of these things only add to the daily stress of kids, a house and a husband to take care of with schedules and homework thrown in there. It isn't easy, not by any stretch of the imagination. And most days (at least lately) I feel like I am inadequate. I feel like there is way too much on my plate, at my own doing, and unfortunately now I have to deal with what is there.
I have a hard time asking for help, though I have had to in the last couple of days. And, I have finally stopped turning down help when it's offered. Okay, not always, but I am trying. But it is hard. It's hard feeling like I wanted all of this and now feel dependent on other people. And that feeling, leads to more feelings of inadequacy. The ugly cycle, and I feel trapped in it.
I have always been a worry wart, always and then I realized my biggest issue was faith. Yes, I believe in God and yes, I believe the Word came in flesh as Jesus Christ and He was sacrificed for us to be able to have eternal life with the Father. But that isn't all it takes and I knew that so I prayed to the Father and asked for more faith, more trust and understanding in His ways.
ReplyDeleteI also know that as long as I have faith that what happens in this life was meant to happen and I am okay with it. I can't promise you that if my son was meant to die at the age of four that I'd be "okay" but I do have faith in God that it was supposed to happen and that he would be safe with God. I also can't promised I'd be "okay" when I lost anyone close to me but I would understand and have faith and trust in God, no matter how many tears were shed.
Don't let the small things build up, work them out with God and don't stress and worry so much because it takes you from God. Trust me, I have been down that road too many times and it's precisely why I prayed for more faith because I knew it was what I lacked and needed. And since I've done that I have been able to turn to God every time I have an issue and pray when I get upset and need his comfort, in ways I didn't do before or felt shamed to turn to Him about. Ever since I asked for more faith, I've been more comforted and everything just seems a lot easier. I don't let this life and it's little worries get me down like they once did and I constantly pray, about everything I can pray about because I've come to realize that with a lot of things that are happening all around us, all we can really do is pray. So I do, a lot.
I also write, read the Word, and seek to help others see the goodness in God that I've come to know and love. And I spend a lot of time with family and friends that I was given by God to keep me uplifted and I do my best to avoid things that I feel go against God or my personal journey and do my best to keep positive vibes around me as much as possible. It helps the negative not affect me as much...
I'm not perfect nor will I ever be but I will continue to put more and more faith in my life because it's the only thing that keeps me sane and on my path to God.