The loss and growing desire of another child

For almost 2 years now, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted to have another child. I love my boys, but there is still that urge of wanting more. I knew when I had Darien that I wanted more children, and that feeling hasn't gone away. The days that I question it are normally the days that they are all sorts of crazy, and with 2 boys, its pretty much always crazy! Though, now with my new positive outlook, the crazy days are some of the best days because their real personalities shine through! So, now I am back on the kick, and have been for a couple weeks, of wanting another child!

We actually started trying back in November. I got pregnant immediately, found out on Dec 4th by a home test, then on Dec 7th by a test done at the doctor. On Dec 14th I went to the ER because I started bleeding and cramping. They did a quick exam and an u/s and was unable to locate the sac. I was told I was probably having a miscarriage and told to rest. The following night, at about 2am, we had to call an ambulance to get me because I was in so much pain I could barely move. They get me to the ER and I get loaded with pain meds. They explained that due to the location of the pain it was possible that it was an ectopic pregnancy and sent home with orders to keep the appt I had on Dec 18th with the OB/GYN clinic so that I could use that as a follow up.

Well, the day before that appt, which was the day I left the ER, the clinic called to cancel my appt due to training or something. I tried to explain to the nurse how important it was that I get in and be seen, and she pretty much acted as if she could care less. Luckily, I knew someone who worked in the clinic, so I called her and let her know what was going on and she was able to get me seen. Which was a good thing because I was officially diagnosed with (most likely) an ectopic pregnancy. There was no way to know for certain because they couldn't locate a sac, but all symptoms, to include the HgC levels, were consistent with an ectopic pregnancy.

I was given my options, surgery or a shot of methotrexate which is a drug also commonly used for cemotheraphy in cancer patients. I choose the shot to avoid surgery and the possible loss of a tube. Well, that is definitely an experience I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I was sick for days, could barely even walk without being dizzy or weak, felt like someone was ripping my stomach out, and just an overall miserable time. Even on Christmas day I was having to not do too much because I was easily tired and definitely just not myself. It was awful.

After that, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to try again for another child because I am honestly scared of having to go through that again. Now that I have had one, my chances of having another are a lot more. I suffered from depression and anxiety really badly, enough that I lost about 40lbs in less than 3 months. Even with knowing that it could happen again, I am back to wanting to try again.

We have been blessed with 2 amazing little boys, and if it doesn't happen for us, then it will be okay. I would just like the chance to be a mommy to another special little boy or girl. We aren't actively trying, but we aren't preventing either. We figure that if its meant to happen, it will when its our time.