Lemons, Lemonade and Visible Half Moons on Wednesdays

She's lying on the floor, white and cold. Her thoughts are clear and she flying above all of her issues.  Her arms are bruised, her bones are easily seen and there is no life left in her face.  Her death was not physical, it was mental.  Her parents wonder what they did wrong.  Her siblings hurt and worry.  Her children do not understand.  She does not value her own life, she wishes she were dead.  But people only seen the mess she has become, they do not see the mess she came from.  People can't possibly understand how awful her life was before, they would want to escape it too.  She blames her past, says she just wants to forget, she just don't want to feel the pain of it anymore.  Her pain and anger get turned toward her kids and other family.  Everything that happens is just something else to add to the list of reasons life sucks, and reasons to drown it all out.

Life is a blessing.  It is really that easy.  There are so many people in the world who take life for granted or are completely defeated by their circumstances.  They dwell in the misery and wish for death more than enjoying their life.  It is actually very sad, though I was once similar to that.  There are days that I need more "help" than others, but I definitely do not want to dwell on the bad when I do see so much greatness around me!

This morning, a friend of mine posted this:

          "we have two choices with the life we are dealt. Suck all the bitterness out of it and blame others for your situation or get off our duffs, change our attitude and let God use it to HIS glory. Lemons or lemonade? Which will you choose?"

I read this at about 815 this morning.  In the moment I read it, it didn't hit me.  However, when we got out of the car and my son pointed out the "moon" that was high in the sky at the same time as the sun, it kinda hit me.  God is pretty amazing.  The universe he created is pretty amazing.  Life is pretty amazing.  

I was ready to complain about having to drag three of my four kids out again to go get our medicine.  I was ready to be irritated by not being able to come right home and go back to sleep.  I was just ready to be miserable with the "hand" I was dealt by us all getting sick and having to have medicine.  

But these words, along with the moon being visible while the sun was shining, was the reminder I needed to not be bitter.  Had I not had to go out, I could have missed seeing that.  And, it really was beautiful.  I wish I had my camera on me to take a photo.  I don't know if it was the angle I was at or what, but it didn't look like anything I had ever seen before, and yes, I have seen a visible moon during the day before.

Many people are dealt a hand at life that is less than desirable.  It happens.  But when you focus on ever negative thing, you will continue to only see negative things.  The more the bitterness gets to you, the more bitter you become.  But, if you focus on the good stuff, you will soon see more good stuff.  And life is a whole lot better when you see the good stuff!  

One of the ways to get the good stuff is through God using the hand you were dealt to help others get a better hand.  Add God to your life and use your experiences for good.  Show someone else that those bad circumstances do not always mean emotional death, but can mean an eternal life of happiness!  
Look at it like the lemon (our lives) and sugar (God) -

      Lemons are bitter.  If you squeeze the lemons but add nothing to it, you will have nothing but bitter lemon juice.  Now, if you add some sugar to it, you get lemonade.  And when you share your lemonade with others, you are able to save another person from drinking any more glasses of bitter lemon juice and they begin to make lemonade too!  It also helps you find friendships and relationships with people who understand you and can help you make your lemonade!  Because some days our lemonade may be a little more bitter or a little sweeter... but when we have other lemonade drinkers, they can help us find the balance of lemons and sugar that is right for us!  

I know that I have good and bad days.  And when the day starts off bad, it is easy to focus on that and then it gets worse.  When I focus on the bad stuff (the lemon juice), that is all I will see.  I will forget that God (the sugar) can make the day better by adding something good.  My life was full of lemons... bad experiences and crap hands.  But I am letting God do his work in me.  And when I share that mixture (the lemonade), I can make another persons day.  I can show them how to make their own lemonade.  Just as others have helped teach me, and now continue to remind me of how when I begin to focus on the bad.

So, what is it gona be for you?  Lemons or Lemonade?  And when you see that half moon high in the sky with the sun, will you appreciate it?  The sweet stuff is everywhere, just have to add it!

"Godly" People

What is a "Godly" person?  What do they look like?  What do they act like?  Do any truly "Godly" people exist or do people use that as a way to try hiding their life issues?  Is Christianity just a cover up for people to do what they want and then claim it is religion?  Why do those who do the worst stuff the ones who end up "preaching" to others?  Many people ask these questions.  Well, I want to try to answer some of it as best I can by my own personal understanding.

The first question I want to touch on is whether Christianity is just a cover up for people to do what they want and then claim religion.  This is a double ended question.  I do believe that there are people out there that do this.  For example, Westboro... I don't think I need to say anything further about that.  They claim they are Christians, however, they do not act in any manner remotely close to the Bible's teachings.

Now... there are many who are Christian who do not do that.  Believing in Christ, following Christ and being a Christian is a process.  This process goes at different speeds for each person and will look different from person to person.  There are some who take small steps, making small changes over time.  There are those who jump in head first and take a huge leap very quickly.  Either way, neither type of person is any less a believer, or any less a Christian.  Their walks with Christ are just as different as they are.

The next questions I will touch on is what is a "Godly" person, what do they look like and how do they act?  Well, I believe a "Godly" person is someone who is completely open about themselves, their lives and still believes that God saved them and everyone.  I believe that they are the people who are putting His word out there, through their mistakes and experiences in life.  I believe they are the people who honestly want to do good and live each day trying to please God, not themselves or others.  They are the people who are dependent on God's word and strive daily to be more like Christ than the day before.  That is what I believe a "Godly" person is, looks like and acts like.

Now, is Christianity a way to cover up life issues?  Well, for some, yes.  However, a true believer and follower knows better.  Being Christian isn't about covering up life's issues, it's about using God's word to conquer life's issues.  To depend on God during life's issues and to strive to do what Christ would do if He were in our place.  It isn't about not making mistakes, it's about trying and believing.  About learning and yearning.  It's about holding ourselves to a higher standard of living, trying each day to be better than yesterday and to live your life in a pleasing way to God.

This leads to why people who seem to have the "worst" issues become the ones "preaching" to others.  Well, because they know how important Christ is.  They lived the life of SUPER mistakes and issues.  They were once the person on the completely opposite side.  They made mistakes,  owned up to them and allowed God to work in their lives.  It isn't that they now believe they are better than others, they simply want to show other people that life CAN change.  Things, issues and circumstances CAN change.  People CAN change.  With Christ.  They want to share the great things they are seeing and they want to see others find that same love and happiness!

I will now use myself as an example.  I will not even try to remotely claim that I am a "Godly" person, but I strive to be.  That is my goal, to someday be a person that is considered a "Godly" woman.  I want to live my life only for Him, pleasing Him, and doing as He has instructed me.  I've made so many mistakes in my life, some bigger than others.  However, God still loves and forgives me.  Those mistakes do not mean that I am not able to be a "Godly" woman.  It might mean I have more work to do to get there, but that is okay. 

I do not what to use God as a way to "cover up" my issues.  I want to use my issues to teach about God's love and grace.  To show others how amazing God is in forgiving people, even when they don't deserve it.  I want to show others that life can still be amazing, even after they have been through hell and back in this life.  I am proud to show off my God, His amazing love and forgiveness, and how he has worked miracles in my life!  It isn't that I feel that I am better than anyone else, because I am not.  It is that I want the best for everyone, and I believe God is best for everyone!

And I know that I will continue to make mistakes.  I will continue to disappoint people in my life.  I will hurt people and I will even disappoint God and myself.  It is going to happen.  There is no person, no matter how hard they try, that doesn't sin.  The difference is that I try harder not to make so many mistakes.  I purposefully watch myself and my weaknesses so not to allow myself in those bad situations.  I lean on God, trying to follow His lead.  I no longer have a self-pleasing attitude, I have a God-pleasing desire. 

Yes, there are people out there who will use Christianity as their defense for doing awful things.  And it is those people who give people like myself, and many that I know, a bad name in our society.  God isn't a cover story.  God isn't an excuse.  God is love, grace, mercy and peace.  I believe everyone deserves to know these truths.  Not just to know the information, but to truly feel it and live in it and feel the blessings from it! 

I am not perfect.  But I know God's love and mercy, which is perfect and unconditional.  I pray that everyone will know it in their lives.

"Differences"

As he grows, his differences become more noticeable.  Well, at least to everyone else.  There have been many more questions lately, about those differences.  So, I am writing an all-inclusive response to all the questions that have been asked to hopefully answer those who may be afraid to ask.

The biggest question is where Jonathen got his curly hair.  The other most asked is why he is a different color than his brothers, which is most often asked by young children.  The all-inclusive question is "why is he different?".  Well, depending on the age of the person asking, my answers vary some.

For the young children who ask, I will kindly explain that God makes all babies different and that Jonathen was created to be unique.

However, I am still at a loss as to what to say to teenagers.  Only because I can't always know their maturity level and/or what their parents would deem appropriate for them.  So, for now, I think the basic answer of "his differences are those that God allow and we accept them" will suffice.  If they want more information, or the parents know and feel they can know, then by all means, tell them.  I don't hide it, no need for anyone to do that either.

Now, for the adults who ask.  I think part of the problem is that I assume people read my blog if they are a friend on facebook.  I need to get out of the habit of assuming this.  It seems that many people on my friends list are still completely unaware.  So, when I get asked, I actually feel embarrassed for them.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed, which is why I can be open about it.  We have even agreed that we will not hide the truth from our children, as it is part of how our family was created.  

I was raped while under the influence of alcohol. The man responsible was a black man.  This is where Jonathen gets his "differences".  Though, it doesn't matter one bit, to us, because all we see is our child.  Filip and I have four children together, that's as simple as it is. I am not going into details here, you can check out my previous blogs if you would like to know the full story, but I will say that I have taken responsibility for my actions and am trying to live every day learning from those bad choices.  It made me realize how much I truly needed to lean on God and truly give him my life, not just bits and pieces of it.

I know that people are going to have their assumptions and own "beliefs" about what may or may not have happened.  I respect their right to that.  I also respect those who are willing to ask questions and at least respect my choices to take responsibility for my child and that I have since made changes in my life to make sure that nothing like that ever happens again.  I also hope that people have respect for my husband, who has supported me and been the most amazing man I could ever be blessed with, as well as the most amazing father that our 4 children could have been blessed with.

While some may not agree, we were blessed with a child who has strengthened us, our marriage and our family.  Jonathen is a blessing to our family and I can only pray that we are as much a blessing to him as he has been to us! 

Jorden and the cold season

It's starting again.  Jorden is coughing and breathing heavier.  The air is cooler and the ickies are going around.  And this mama braces herself for a long, stressful winter of illness.  I will never forget the scary time we've already had with him.

It was early October, Jorden was only about 3 weeks old.  His breathing started to sound funny so I made him an appointment.  The doctor assured me that it was only in his throat and that I had to let it run it's course.  Well, even though I didn't exactly think I agreed, I trusted the doctor and we were on our way.  That evening we left him, and the other two boys, with our adopted niece, who was 14, while we went out for a couple hours.  We arrived home to find everyone asleep, so we also went to sleep.

It was just before 7am that we were woke up by Jorden's coughing.  It was non-stop, and very hard coughs.  He coughed so much, and so hard, that he was unable to breath and just stopped breathing.  His lips were turning purple, his whole face started to look blue.  For a split moment, he had no visible life in him.

Fil quickly rushed him to the bathroom and got the steam going while I called an ambulance.  He started breathing again, but it was very rough and seemed like he was struggling to do so.  Before I knew it, we were surround by medical responders, most of which were German.  It was decided that we would be going to the children's hospital in the downtown area, which terrified me.

Living in Germany was a great experience.  The language barrier is really my only complaint.  Especially in emergency situations like that, it doesn't help the stress factor when you don't feel like you are able to adequately communicate with the people caring for your child. 

Jorden had some breathing treatments and was watched for a few hours before we finally went back home.  We were given an inhaler to use on him until we could see a doctor again.  Though, I was furious that this happened less than 24 hours from being told that it was nothing more than a throat issue.  How do I trust the doctors after I KNEW something was wrong and they said otherwise.  Well, like anyone else, I knew I had to get him seen again.

When we went to his follow-up appointment with the doctor who brushed us off, she still couldn't tell us anything.  She had no answers for why that happened and still swore it was in his throat, not his lungs.  So we waited and within 48 hours, he was in the ER for more breathing issues.  This is where I was told I was killing my child.

Yep... A doctor told me that.  See, I was a smoker.  And this one doctor felt the need to tell me that it was my fault he was sick and that I was killing him by smoking.  Which, honestly, just made me want to smoke more.  It did no good, it only made me angry and caused my stress to lead me back to smoke more.  (I do not smoke anymore, so yes I do now see the flaws in my thinking).  However, I still didn't think my smoking has AS MUCH to do with it as she was making it sound.  I didn't smoke near him, never smoked in our van and always changed and washed hands before touching him.  I was doing what I thought would expose him to as little as possible without quitting.

Anyway... for months we were in and out of the ER and doctors appointments with him.  I think we had them count it and at around 5 months old, he had already been seen something like 35 times between the ER and appointments.  So, one more attempt at getting answers, I made an appointment for him.  This time we saw a different doctor from our normal.  He had no clue what to tell us either but could definitely agree that there was more to it than me smoking.  So, we finally got a referral to see a pediatric pulminary specialist. 

Now, this was around the time he was 6 months old.  Because of all the steroids he had taken in that time, he was already 24lbs and wearing 18 month - 2T sized clothes.  And he was such a happy baby.  You would think that a baby having such a rough time would be miserable.  Nope, he was seriously a joy and always smiling! 

Lots of blood, sweat, tests and tears later, the German specialist finally had an answer for us.  However, the answer didn't easily translate.  There was some confusion on it.  Though, it was finally determined that they believed I was GBS positive when I gave birth to him, which originally caused the issues.  Though, now the damage was done so nothing could correct it.  He got some strong antibiotics, which worked with the 1st dose, and we were told that he would forever have these issues. 

We have a nebulizer that we have to use almost the entire fall/winter time, 3-5 times per day.  He also has an inhaler that we carry around for those times that it comes out of nowhere, which is more often than not.  The fall and winter are very rough in our house, and often unpredictable because of his issues.  And here we are, seeing it begin again.

I pray that this year we are able to get better control of it and that we do not end up stuck home most of the cold season.  I do not like seeing any of my babies sick, especially not like this.  So, if you pray, please just say a prayer that he doesn't suffer much this cold season. 

Two years, too special!

Two years ago today, we welcomed one very special little boy into our lives.  Jorden has been through a lot in his short life, though we are blessed to experience life with him in it!  I am very proud to be his mommy and I look forward to seeing the man he becomes!  For now, I like to remember the day he entered into our lives!

I was 39 weeks pregnant.  For weeks I had been having contractions on and off.  I had finally come to the conclusion that I was going to be pregnant forever, lol.  After having 2 babies late, and then the number of times I had hoped it was finally happening and it was nothing, I just gave up hope that he would come before his due date.  Little did I know that my body had other plans.

I decided that I wanted to hit up the Bazaar on the base with a good frined.  There were a few things I wanted to get and what better place and time than the bazaar!  Anyone who has lived in Germany and attended one knows, they are large and lots of cool stuff.  And, of course, the food.  I wanted funnel cakes.

We walked around for a good couple of hours.  It was a nice cool day and I was enjoying being outside.  The funnel cake was pretty amazing too.  After eating a delicious baked potato, we decided to go find the bubble guns all the kids were walking around with for our kids.  Well, first, I had to pee.  We walked to the far end of the bazaar, to the second hangar, and I used the bathroom in the back.

I remember that I just happened to look in the toilet and thought that my pee looked different.  I didn't think twice, though, and went on about business.  As soon as I walked out of the trailer, I had to go again.  So, I turn around and felt myself pee a little.  "GREAT", I thought, "I just peed on myself.  I just love being pregnant".  It had never happened, that much, before.  Well, I went again real fast and was on about my business again.  I walked back out and then it happened.  MORE PEE.

Oh man... I couldn't believe I was peeing on myself.  I felt disgusted and started back toward the bathroom.  This time, however, the pee didn't stop.  It just kept trickling out.  It was like 20 seconds before it clicked.  I wasn't peeing, my water broke.  When I turned back toward the hangar, I had the first big gush.

I had to go find Ashley and all the kids.  Thankfully they were still right up front.  I told her we had to go, that my water broke.  She hurried and got all the kids together and we headed back to the cars.  That walk from the second hangar all the way to the parking lot seemed to take FOREVER.  I was waiting for that first contraction to hit, but it never did.

Ashley took me to Fil and then took my van and the kids back to her house.  We headed to the hospital.  By the time we got up to the Labor and Delivery unit, I was sloshing in my jeans.  It was the grossest thing I had ever felt in my life.  It was in my shoes.  I was completely soaked from the waste down.  I was just ready to get the pants off.

Now.  Any woman who has had a baby in a military hospital knows that they want to "verify" that it is actually that the water broke and not just pee.  Thankfull y they seemed to believe us.  We were quickly in a room and set up.

Hours went by and still no contractions.  After talking to the Dr, we decided to start pitocin.  It didn't take long for the very painful contractions to start coming.  I made it like 4 hours with zero progress before getting the epidural.  Within an hour of that, my progress picked up and it was time to push.

I honestly do not remember much of the pushing.  However, I remember very clearly the tiny, handsome baby that was handed to me.  He was so little, compared to his brothers, but he was perfect.  I was once again amazed at the beauty God created when he created babies.

Over these two years, since his birth, Jorden has had his skin and asthma issues, a seizure and has almost died.  His two years have been full of worry for us as his parents but full of love and smiles too!  I would never trade a single moment with him.

He is a crazy little boy, with almost no fear.  He isn't afraid to tell us how he feels and stands his ground.  He is tough and doesn't allow anyone to push him around, especially not his brothers.  He is active and is almost always going, going, going.  He is happy and makes everyone around him happy to be with him!  And he is amazingly loving!  He lights up the lives of almost everyone he meets and is a pure joy most of the time!  Even when he is sick, he makes everyone around him feel better!

He has been a blessing to us.  And even as we embark on the "terrible twos" I couldn't be more excited about the future we have with him!

Happy Birthday Jorden!!!

A Beautiful Mess

I decided to join the MOPs group on base this year.  This will be the first time ever being part of MOPs, and I am pretty excited.  Their theme this year is A Beautiful Mess.  They couldn't have picked a more appropriate theme to explain the life of Mothers of Preschoolers, so I am completely stealing the idea to write about it.

Life is messy.  With or without kids, life is messy.  However, the mess with kids is much more fun and more beautiful. 

Being a mom is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, definitely 4 of the greatest blessings in my life.  Some days are harder than others, and there are some that are definitely messier than others.  But that is really the fun of it! 

Having 4 kids, my house is rarely ever spotless, if ever.  There are things everywhere.  Toys, clothes, shoes... if it isn't one thing, it is another.  I am constantly stepping on, in or over things that belong to everyone other than myself.  The bath tub regularly has dirt rings from bath time and I can't even remember the last day that I wasn't having to change a diaper. 

Laundry is almost never completely done either.  I can get most of it washed and dried, though getting it put away is something completely different.  Piles of clean clothes sit around, making it look a lot more messy than it truly is.  But hey, it's clean.  It is truly the never ending battle in the family of 6. 

My house is messy... because our lives are messy.  We are busy and the happiness of my kids is much more important than the cleanliness of my house.  I try to clean up one good time each day and have the kids help with some things when they get home from school.  But past that, life it too short to spend most of it cleaning... and life messes are no different.

Life is a beautiful mess, one that I am blessed to share with 5 pretty amazing guys!  And even though some of the messes along the way were bigger and/or worse than others, I will forever be grateful for them all!  Because life today was worth every mess we've been in along the way!

My husband, my friend, a blessing!

Thank you God, for I am blessed!

I look around, see little glimpses of the lives of others, and become overwhelmed by my blessings.  I don't know what I did for God to deem me worthy of these blessings, but I will accept them graciously anyway!  One of the biggest blessings in my life is my amazing husband!

I am far from a perfect wife.  I am not a good house keeper.  I am moody.  I have cheated.  I have done things that most say are unforgivable.  I am sure there are days that my husband questions why he even married me.  However, I pray that most days he has a good reason.  He is a blessing that I am definitely not deserving of.  He is my best friend, my lover and the father of my babies!  I will forever thank God for sending him to me.

I don't know any other man who would put up with me the way he does.  Especially not when there are many who voice their opinions of our relationship to him, thinking he is better off without me.  He is truly the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally and without expecting me to be someone I am not.  He accepts me, with all of my faults, and sees the best in me, even when others don't.

He also brings out the best in me.  He makes me want to be, do, better.  He makes me want more out of life.  And as long as he is by my side, I will get the most out of life!  He motivates me in a way no one else ever has.  He doesn't remind me of my flaws, he focuses on my abilities and strengths and reminds me of them.  He makes me feel good about myself, like I am capable of doing ANYTHING I set my mind to do!  I wish the kind of spouse for everyone.

He is truly my best friend.  I have other friends, but he is honestly the first person I go to for EVERYTHING.  It hasn't been like that our entire marriage, but over the last year and a half, we have truly become extremely close.  He has even commented that I am really his only friend, but that he couldn't have picked a better friend to have for a lifetime!  We can talk, we can play, we can handle any situation together.  I think our 7 1/2 year marriage speaks for itself.

Think about it.  Everything we have been through.  Things I have done.  Things he has done.  Things that have happened that could have easily broken our marriage.  But none of it did.  We got through it, TOGETHER.  We built a friendship that carries us through the worst of times and allows us to enjoy the best of times!  

There are people who think he is better without me.  I have to argue that.  No one really sees our relationship.  They only see the pieces that we show them.  They do not understand in the least bit the bond that we have formed in our 8 years together.  They do not understand just how wrong their opinion is.  No one knows the feeling he still gives me when he is around.  No one knows the extent to which I miss him on just a normal day when he is at work, let alone gone for more than a few days.  No one will ever be able to understand the love I have for him, not even me.  If he feels even half the way about me that I feel about him, then he definitely wouldn't be better without me, his life would be flipped upside down and he would be miserable.  I know I would be.

We haven't had a perfect relationship.  In fact, we have gone through a lot that most couples would have ended things without a second thought.  What we do have is God, love and forgiveness.  These are all needed in order to have a strong, lasting relationship.  We may have gotten a late start getting on the right road together, but better late than never!  

I just pray that there will come a day when those people who think he would be better without me wake up and see that we have a strong love, a desire to be together, and a changing relationship that is much better today than it was 2 years ago.  I pray that people stop focusing on past issues and start seeing the good that is now happening for us! 

I am blessed to have this amazing man in my life.  Blessed beyond any measure for which I am worthy.  God gave me a partner that loves and accepts me.  He gave me a partner that I have loved more, and differently, than I have ever loved a person before.  He gave me the person that makes me want to be a better woman, wife and mother.  He blessed me with the perfectly imperfect man!

Slow Down, Enjoy!

For a long time, I have felt super busy.  It felt like I had no time to do anything other than be a mom, wife and college student.  It was recently that I was feeling overwhelmed by it all.  I won't say there aren't still moments that I feel overwhelmed, but I am definitely trying to slow down a bit and enjoy life more.  For too long I let things pile on and I begin to get overwhelmed with fear that I can't handle it all.  Though, I don't understand why I continually do that when I have been handling it for so long.

I started reading a new book.  I am doing it kinda "book club" style with another woman who I look up to spiritually.  Just the first few chapters have spoken to me, reminding me of things people have been telling me all along.  My husband has been telling me that I am doing great and that and A vs a B isn't really going to make much difference once I get a diploma.  Though, it's hard to not want perfection in everything I do.  I think that is why I struggle so much, I try to be perfect. And struggling to be perfect makes me feel like a complete failure.

Thankfully I have an amazing husband that takes the time to remind me that my perfection today won't matter tomorrow.  It is not going to be the number grade I got in my classes, not even how clean my house is, that is going to matter in 10 years.  What is going to matter is the time I took to enjoy life with my kids, my husband and the fact that I complete school at all!  I don't have to have a perfect 4.0, no matter how badly I want it. 

Due to my husband telling me, and now this book basically telling me the same thing, I am taking the time to slow down and enjoy life.  I don't want to miss these times with my kids because I will never get them back.  I want to take advantage of the playing and laughter rather than looking back with regret later in their lives.  I want to raise amazing young men, no just tame boys and shoo them into the world.  So, it's time for me to stop trying for perfection in my class and try to make perfect memories with my family.


Life isn't a race.  Slow down, enjoy it and don't miss out on the memories that could have been made while you were too busy.

Forgiveness, Again

I have wanted to write for weeks, finding that I have had a serious block on what to write about.  I would start typing and find that I was saying nothing more than gibberish.  I've had a lot on my plate recently, so organizing my thoughts has been pretty low on the priority list.  However, I finally found some inspiration through church and podcast videos that I have been watching.  I have written about this before, but it's a topic that is ongoing.


One of the hardest things to do is forgive.  To truly forgive a person, especially someone who hurt you to your core.  Forgiveness is misunderstood, and often not given because of the misunderstanding.  I have learned, and am still learning, a lot about forgiveness.  I am offering it to people who I used to think didn't deserve it.  I am also learning to forgive myself for things that I used to think couldn't be forgiven.  But I want to talk about the misconceptions of forgiveness, the parts that I struggled with.


The first misconception is that forgiving a person excuses their behaviors or actions and makes them okay.  No.  This is not true.  In fact, it is almost the opposite.  When we forgive a person, we acknowledge that their actions were wrong and hurtful, but we also decided that we do not want to keep allowing it to hurt us.  We are letting go of that pain and allowing ourselves freedom from it.


The second misconception is that by forgiving a person you are giving them the okay to do it again.  Not at all.  Forgiving isn't their pass to continue hurting us, even if people do abuse it that way.  Again, forgiveness is about recognizing the wrongs done but freeing ourselves from the pain. 


The third, and most common misconception I've heard, is that when we forgive someone it means we have to allow them back into our lives.  Nope.  I will say that each circumstance is different, but just because you forgive someone does NOT mean you MUST allow them to continue to be an active part of your life.  If them being an active part of you life would continue to cause you physical or mental pain, then it is completely reasonable to distance yourself.  Forgiving them doesn't mean you have to allow them to continue hurting you and forgiving them some more.


Since situations can be a huge factor in forgiveness, let's look at that.  Say your spouse cheats on you.  They tell you about it, or you find out somehow.  If you choose to forgive them, that doesn't mean you are telling them what they did was okay.  You are not telling them they should, or can, do it again.  But in this situation, I do think that trying to work through things is okay.  However, if the continued to cheat on you, you do not have to stay in that relationship.  Cheating hurts, bad.  It causes the worst kind of emotional damage a person can feel.  So, to continually be hurt by someone that way is not something anyone, to include God, expects you to endure.  You can walk away from that hurtful relationship and still forgive them.


What about a childhood sexual abuser?  The commonality of this is quite frightening.  Forgiving an abuser is difficult.  And for many, the idea of the person who abused them being part of their lives is even more terrifying.  This is that case where you can forgive and move on without having to allow the person any part of your life.  Especially not if they were to continue to abuse you.  This is a situation when you forgive from afar and just let go of it completely.  You are not excusing their actions, nor are you giving them a free pass to do it again.  You are forgiving for yourself to move on, freeing your own emotions from the hold it had on you.  No need to let that person continue to hurt you.


Have you noticed anything yet?  There is a pattern about this.  What forgiveness is for, what it does, who it's for.  Forgiveness is for YOU, it frees YOU.  When we are angry or hurt by someone else, the only person those emotions hurt is ourselves.  Our internal emotions don't hurt them, and our responses only show them that they are affecting us, which is normally what encourages them even more.  By forgiving them, we are taking a step past them and showing them that they can no longer hold us back.  Showing them that we are stronger than anything they did, or can do, to us.  We are showing strength.  We free ourselves from the pain, anger and resentments of their actions against us.


Freedom is wonderful!  I am waking up, daily, choosing to forgive people who have hurt me.  Many of them are still part of my life, though many are not.  I am even choosing to forgive myself for things I have done.  I am not excusing my actions, blaming anyone else or even trying to act like they didn't happen.  I am forgiving myself so that I can take it as a lesson learned and move on.  To free myself of the pain, guilt and shame I have felt for too long.  To no longer allow my past mistakes to control my life today. 

It is a work in progress.  Forgiveness, it's a process.  A process that I have to choose to do each and every day.  A process that is worth the daily effort because I am more free now than I ever was!