Grief

I am really loving this reading plan I decided to start, to help immerse myself in God's word!  It's called Hope: A Courageous Journey and I found it on www.youversion.com!

Today's read is about grief and how every person has their own way of grieving.  About how we should not judge others for grieving in a way we think they should.  One part that stood out to me most was:

"God is our Father who grieves alongside us.  God understands loss; after all, his only Son was hated, rejected and ultimately killed.  Only He can give you the strength to stay faithful through your grief, and only He can turn our grief into joy, bring triumph out of tragedy.  "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." (John  16:22 NIV)."

This is powerful, especially since I know what it is like for people to think I should be handling things differently.  My grief used to be a long process.  I would do the crying, anger and the "normal" grieving very quickly.  Then, that grief would manifest in other ways.  I was basically a manic depressant, only in grief.  I would act out and become a meaner, more selfish person.  Grief was not a good suit for me, not at all.

Ever since I have asked God back into my life, I have noticed a HUGE difference in how I grieve.  Grief isn't meant to be sunshine and rainbows, but I don't grieve to the horrid extent I once did.  I will give two very strong examples, times when I actually did suffer from grief and how having the Lord in my life made the two processes very different.

In 2006 my grandmother passed away.  This woman was like my second mother, and a friend.  She was a very large part of my life and losing her was extremely difficult.  I was able to attend her memorial service and stuff, but the grief hit me HARD.  I had just gotten married to my first husband and even though it was expected, it felt like my world just crashed around me.  I lost someone I loved deeply and didn't think that I would ever get over it.  Then, shortly after, my husband deployed (for those who may not know, he went overseas with the military for a few months).  It just felt like everyone was being taken away from me.  So, all this grief was piling up, building, and it finally made me crumble.  I began drinking, heavily and often.  I was out all the time, not being any kind of respectable wife or granddaughter.  I just couldn't handle life as it was, being upset was just too much. So, I acted out instead.

Well, after asking God into my life, grief is very different.  I don't act out as much and I am more patient with life, and with His plans for my life.  Like, when I was raped.  Becoming pregnant from a rape brings about TONS of grief.  And honestly, I was completely lost.  I was already beginning to grieve my marriage because I was certain it was over.  I was grieving over giving up my child, because I was surely set on adoption.  I was grieving over every aspect of my life because everything I knew was about to change.  That, my friends, is a lot of grief.  I cried daily.  I was upset constantly.  I am certain I even scared my children with how emotionally unstable I was.  Then something happened, I stopped trying to control it and asked God to take my grief and show me what I should do.  Prayed for Him to lead me and take control of everything for me.

I still grieved.  I was still hurt and sad by the things that were happening, and those that had happened. But it was different.  And yes, I did feel guilty when I finally started feeling happy again.  Smiles, laughs and any good feelings made me feel guilty.  Was I becoming too happy, too fast?  Was it wrong for me to be okay, and not still crying over everything? Was the way I grieved before too much?

Well, there were some who felt that way.  I grieved too much, and too publicly for some.  I was too open and too rawly honest for some.  But, when I started being happy again, that wasn't right either.  I guess because of what happened, I was supposed to cry more, longer, harder... I am not really sure what people expected, but being okay with the pregnancy was NOT what they agreed with.

Even when I decided to keep Jonathen (which I would NEVER EVER go back and change thing about that).  There were few who thought that there was no way I was really raped because I was keeping him, and happy about that decision.  Though, I can't explain it to someone who doesn't understand.

I was happy.  I was very happy.  But I was also nervous and terrified at the same time.  I believe God wanted me to keep him, and I was happy because I was doing as God asked, even in a time of heavy grief.  I was smiling because I knew that God would not want me to continue crying.  I was finally at peace with things because I asked God to forgive me for my actions and asked Him to protect my family.  Knowing He was in total control, I was finally feeling happy again.

Those situations were very different, because God made them different.  My faith made it different.  My trust in God made them very different.  While grief is a very natural, and necessary, process, everyone grieves differently.  We can't let what we believe to be "right" allow us to judge others for how they handle grief.  It's not up to us, or anyone else, to decide how someone handles grief, rather we should be supporting one another through it.

"Today, rejoice in the knowledge that God is with you and He is powerful enough and understands you enough to comfort you in this moment.  In the opening scripture of Peter, it tells us "for a little while you may have had to suffer grief".  "a little while" can be days, months, or years.  Some grief will stay with us for a lifetime, but God will change the level and depth of the pain over time so that you can still bear fruit and have joy."