Here lately I have been feeling pretty down and lonely. One of the downfalls of the military life and being separated from family. Between kids being sick, school and schedules, it doesn't seem like I have had much adult interaction outside of my husband recently. And that can start to get very lonely feeling. I haven't really even talked much to people on the phone.
The only person I have really talked to today is my mom, but I have not felt nearly as lonely today as I have the rest of the week. Why? Probably because I am much more aware of the presence of Christ today. That's what Sunday brings, right? Now, I need that feeling throughout the rest of the week. I have wanted to express my feelings but every time I tried I felt like some whiny little brat who was throwing a fit because the attention wasn't on me.
I can't imagine that anyone enjoys feeling lonely. It's a tough thing to feel. But, I realized today that I really shouldn't ever feel lonely. Not if I honestly believe in God. Because the true belief in Him would allow me to believe He is ALWAYS with me, meaning I am never alone. When no one else is there, He is, ALWAYS.
Something I have learned over the years, friends come and go and family may not always be around. It happens. It's life. Loneliness is a state of mind, not a state of being. Only I can control that feeling and I want to stop feeling lonely. So... my goal and plan to reach it:
GOAL:
To not feel lonely, even if/when everyone in my life is not around.
HOW:
Daily devotions. Whether I find them online or my Bible study, I want to spend at least 30 minutes each morning, quietly with Christ. This will help remind me that even when no one else is there, He is.
Find enjoyment in my own company. This is the hard one. I don't dislike myself but I find that I am rather boring. I have spent so much time being a mom, wife, student and friend that I have forgotten what I enjoy doing, on my own. I have also been met with the fear that if I start to enjoy life too much I might upset someone. So, while I would love to consider the feelings of family and friends, I need to be able to find my own happiness, outside of everyone else. I can't control how other people feel, I can only begin to take control of my own feelings.
More date nights with the handsome man I call my husband! We get so lost in our lives as parents and adults that we tend for forget that we still need each other. We forget that the time we can spend together is important, not only for our relationship but for us as individuals.
Find more people here that have similar interests. I have met some really awesome ladies here, and have been extremely grateful for them! But like most people, I like to have different groups of friends with different interests that are similar to my own. I need to get out more, meet more people and begin more friendships with women who share interests, when I figure out what I am interested in.
Over the last year and a half, I have learned a lot about the people around me and about myself. I have especially learned a lot about God and how life can be when I trust in Him and welcome Him into my life. I have to have this trust in Him as a friend as well. Not just over my life, in control of it, but as the closest friend I have. I have to begin trusting that no matter how physically alone I may be, I am never alone as long as I allow Him in my life.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Father's Day
Man, it is hard to believe that tomorrow is Father's Day, already. Didn't the year JUST start? Everything has gone by so fast, time just flying right before our eyes. Though, it will never matter how quickly time is moving, I will forever remember to stop and be grateful for things, especially the man that God sent me to be the father of my children!
Filip is my best friend, my partner, the person I go to for everything. He is also the man that made me a mother and has helped me make this beautiful family we have! He is the man that was just meant for me!
One of the ways I know he was meant for me is because he makes such an amazing Daddy to our babies! Our four boys are mighty blessed to have him for a Daddy! I know that the boys absolutely adore him and are proud to be his kids! And I know that when they are all grown up, they will appreciate him much, much more!
I hope that this next part isn't going to come off wrong, but I believe that Jonathen was exceptionally blessed by having such an amazing man to be his Daddy! I smile at that because I know that when God chose us, he knew that Filip was a strong, loving and brave man that would love him! And even though it's Father's Day, I can't help but feel it's a special day for us all because we are celebrating that the best Daddy around is Filip!
Tonight, at our dinner, he even said that his date was with Jonathen, and that I was the third wheel. Maybe I am strange, but this was music to my ears! I loved our date, but I am glad that he takes his role as Daddy (to all of our children) so seriously! He love these boys with all he has!
So... Father's Day... a day that WE get to celebrate because Filip is the best Daddy EVER! Hopefully we relay this message to him, and that he knows just how much he is loved by all of us!
Filip is my best friend, my partner, the person I go to for everything. He is also the man that made me a mother and has helped me make this beautiful family we have! He is the man that was just meant for me!
One of the ways I know he was meant for me is because he makes such an amazing Daddy to our babies! Our four boys are mighty blessed to have him for a Daddy! I know that the boys absolutely adore him and are proud to be his kids! And I know that when they are all grown up, they will appreciate him much, much more!
I hope that this next part isn't going to come off wrong, but I believe that Jonathen was exceptionally blessed by having such an amazing man to be his Daddy! I smile at that because I know that when God chose us, he knew that Filip was a strong, loving and brave man that would love him! And even though it's Father's Day, I can't help but feel it's a special day for us all because we are celebrating that the best Daddy around is Filip!
Tonight, at our dinner, he even said that his date was with Jonathen, and that I was the third wheel. Maybe I am strange, but this was music to my ears! I loved our date, but I am glad that he takes his role as Daddy (to all of our children) so seriously! He love these boys with all he has!
So... Father's Day... a day that WE get to celebrate because Filip is the best Daddy EVER! Hopefully we relay this message to him, and that he knows just how much he is loved by all of us!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Obedience
Psalm 119:10-11 - I seek you with all my heart; do not let stray from your commands.
The Bible instructs us to seek Christ, with our entire heart. Not most of it, not part of it, ALL of it. Many people believe that if we are seeking Christ with all our heart that we won't have room in there for people in our lives. This belief is very untrue, and exactly the opposite of truth. If we are seeking Christ with our entire heart, we actually increase the amount of love and the capacity for love within us. Just as with each a child a mother bears, her love grows for her children and does not become divided among them, Christ increases our love and gives us much more love to spread to those around us!
Philippians 2:12 - Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.
Not only should we seek Him with all of our heart, we should obey Him even when we do not think he is with us. Obeying by going to church and praying is awesome, however, He wants more than that from us. Going to church, obeying Him while we are in His house, that is wonderful! Though, are you obeying Him when you are at home, alone or with friends? Are you truly obedient to Him on days other than Sunday?
Obedience is the area I need the most work. I am slowly trying to make the changes in my behaviors so that I am being obedient to Christ. I know that even with the changes I have made, I am still far from the kind of obedience that is expected of me. Knowing this only makes me strive to do better, to be more and more obedient.
It can be difficult to changes areas in our lives that have always been a certain way. Changing things about ourselves that we don't think is a problem. This requires faith, a very strong faith, and trust in God. There were many areas in my life I didn't think were a problem, but I am seeing now just how wrong that thought was. I was wanting to keep my own desires, just the ones that weren't hurting anyone, and I would still be okay. Nope. Didn't work like that.
If you told your child not to do something, what happens if they did it anyway? Time-out, spanking, favorite toy taken away? When our children do not listen, they are punished. Well, God does the same to His children. Our punishments don't come in the same form, but we get them. When we do bad things, bad things happen to us. When we do good things, good things happen.
Ever hear the saying "bad things happen to good people"? Ever hear the opposite to that, "good things happen to bad people"? Both of these statements are very true, but let me explain why I think it happens.
When we are obedient, we can have a good life! Happiness and joy surrounds us, because we know we are living the way He has asked us to. And the good things keep coming. Though, bad things can still happen. You could lose a child, lose a job, lose a friend. These things happen. This is because God has a purpose for it, some reason that it will be used for good somewhere down the road.
Now, when we live in sin, we are surrounding ourselves with bad. We are not doing what God asks us to do. Though, good things can still happen to us. Many bad people get wealth, amazing health, families, whatever good you see in their life. Though, all this good they are getting is likely because of all the bad they are doing. These things are not coming from God, they are a result of their own actions.
One major difference in these two situations is that the obedient are almost always much happier than others. Even though the other person may have more money and more stuff, they are not filled with the love and joy that the other is. And, coming from both sides of this, I have never been happier than when I feel like God is surrounding me and my life and that I am doing what He wants me to do!
The Bible instructs us to seek Christ, with our entire heart. Not most of it, not part of it, ALL of it. Many people believe that if we are seeking Christ with all our heart that we won't have room in there for people in our lives. This belief is very untrue, and exactly the opposite of truth. If we are seeking Christ with our entire heart, we actually increase the amount of love and the capacity for love within us. Just as with each a child a mother bears, her love grows for her children and does not become divided among them, Christ increases our love and gives us much more love to spread to those around us!
Philippians 2:12 - Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.
Not only should we seek Him with all of our heart, we should obey Him even when we do not think he is with us. Obeying by going to church and praying is awesome, however, He wants more than that from us. Going to church, obeying Him while we are in His house, that is wonderful! Though, are you obeying Him when you are at home, alone or with friends? Are you truly obedient to Him on days other than Sunday?
Obedience is the area I need the most work. I am slowly trying to make the changes in my behaviors so that I am being obedient to Christ. I know that even with the changes I have made, I am still far from the kind of obedience that is expected of me. Knowing this only makes me strive to do better, to be more and more obedient.
It can be difficult to changes areas in our lives that have always been a certain way. Changing things about ourselves that we don't think is a problem. This requires faith, a very strong faith, and trust in God. There were many areas in my life I didn't think were a problem, but I am seeing now just how wrong that thought was. I was wanting to keep my own desires, just the ones that weren't hurting anyone, and I would still be okay. Nope. Didn't work like that.
If you told your child not to do something, what happens if they did it anyway? Time-out, spanking, favorite toy taken away? When our children do not listen, they are punished. Well, God does the same to His children. Our punishments don't come in the same form, but we get them. When we do bad things, bad things happen to us. When we do good things, good things happen.
Ever hear the saying "bad things happen to good people"? Ever hear the opposite to that, "good things happen to bad people"? Both of these statements are very true, but let me explain why I think it happens.
When we are obedient, we can have a good life! Happiness and joy surrounds us, because we know we are living the way He has asked us to. And the good things keep coming. Though, bad things can still happen. You could lose a child, lose a job, lose a friend. These things happen. This is because God has a purpose for it, some reason that it will be used for good somewhere down the road.
Now, when we live in sin, we are surrounding ourselves with bad. We are not doing what God asks us to do. Though, good things can still happen to us. Many bad people get wealth, amazing health, families, whatever good you see in their life. Though, all this good they are getting is likely because of all the bad they are doing. These things are not coming from God, they are a result of their own actions.
One major difference in these two situations is that the obedient are almost always much happier than others. Even though the other person may have more money and more stuff, they are not filled with the love and joy that the other is. And, coming from both sides of this, I have never been happier than when I feel like God is surrounding me and my life and that I am doing what He wants me to do!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Grief
I am really loving this reading plan I decided to start, to help immerse myself in God's word! It's called Hope: A Courageous Journey and I found it on www.youversion.com!
Today's read is about grief and how every person has their own way of grieving. About how we should not judge others for grieving in a way we think they should. One part that stood out to me most was:
"God is our Father who grieves alongside us. God understands loss; after all, his only Son was hated, rejected and ultimately killed. Only He can give you the strength to stay faithful through your grief, and only He can turn our grief into joy, bring triumph out of tragedy. "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." (John 16:22 NIV)."
This is powerful, especially since I know what it is like for people to think I should be handling things differently. My grief used to be a long process. I would do the crying, anger and the "normal" grieving very quickly. Then, that grief would manifest in other ways. I was basically a manic depressant, only in grief. I would act out and become a meaner, more selfish person. Grief was not a good suit for me, not at all.
Ever since I have asked God back into my life, I have noticed a HUGE difference in how I grieve. Grief isn't meant to be sunshine and rainbows, but I don't grieve to the horrid extent I once did. I will give two very strong examples, times when I actually did suffer from grief and how having the Lord in my life made the two processes very different.
In 2006 my grandmother passed away. This woman was like my second mother, and a friend. She was a very large part of my life and losing her was extremely difficult. I was able to attend her memorial service and stuff, but the grief hit me HARD. I had just gotten married to my first husband and even though it was expected, it felt like my world just crashed around me. I lost someone I loved deeply and didn't think that I would ever get over it. Then, shortly after, my husband deployed (for those who may not know, he went overseas with the military for a few months). It just felt like everyone was being taken away from me. So, all this grief was piling up, building, and it finally made me crumble. I began drinking, heavily and often. I was out all the time, not being any kind of respectable wife or granddaughter. I just couldn't handle life as it was, being upset was just too much. So, I acted out instead.
Well, after asking God into my life, grief is very different. I don't act out as much and I am more patient with life, and with His plans for my life. Like, when I was raped. Becoming pregnant from a rape brings about TONS of grief. And honestly, I was completely lost. I was already beginning to grieve my marriage because I was certain it was over. I was grieving over giving up my child, because I was surely set on adoption. I was grieving over every aspect of my life because everything I knew was about to change. That, my friends, is a lot of grief. I cried daily. I was upset constantly. I am certain I even scared my children with how emotionally unstable I was. Then something happened, I stopped trying to control it and asked God to take my grief and show me what I should do. Prayed for Him to lead me and take control of everything for me.
I still grieved. I was still hurt and sad by the things that were happening, and those that had happened. But it was different. And yes, I did feel guilty when I finally started feeling happy again. Smiles, laughs and any good feelings made me feel guilty. Was I becoming too happy, too fast? Was it wrong for me to be okay, and not still crying over everything? Was the way I grieved before too much?
Well, there were some who felt that way. I grieved too much, and too publicly for some. I was too open and too rawly honest for some. But, when I started being happy again, that wasn't right either. I guess because of what happened, I was supposed to cry more, longer, harder... I am not really sure what people expected, but being okay with the pregnancy was NOT what they agreed with.
Even when I decided to keep Jonathen (which I would NEVER EVER go back and change thing about that). There were few who thought that there was no way I was really raped because I was keeping him, and happy about that decision. Though, I can't explain it to someone who doesn't understand.
I was happy. I was very happy. But I was also nervous and terrified at the same time. I believe God wanted me to keep him, and I was happy because I was doing as God asked, even in a time of heavy grief. I was smiling because I knew that God would not want me to continue crying. I was finally at peace with things because I asked God to forgive me for my actions and asked Him to protect my family. Knowing He was in total control, I was finally feeling happy again.
Those situations were very different, because God made them different. My faith made it different. My trust in God made them very different. While grief is a very natural, and necessary, process, everyone grieves differently. We can't let what we believe to be "right" allow us to judge others for how they handle grief. It's not up to us, or anyone else, to decide how someone handles grief, rather we should be supporting one another through it.
"Today, rejoice in the knowledge that God is with you and He is powerful enough and understands you enough to comfort you in this moment. In the opening scripture of Peter, it tells us "for a little while you may have had to suffer grief". "a little while" can be days, months, or years. Some grief will stay with us for a lifetime, but God will change the level and depth of the pain over time so that you can still bear fruit and have joy."
Today's read is about grief and how every person has their own way of grieving. About how we should not judge others for grieving in a way we think they should. One part that stood out to me most was:
"God is our Father who grieves alongside us. God understands loss; after all, his only Son was hated, rejected and ultimately killed. Only He can give you the strength to stay faithful through your grief, and only He can turn our grief into joy, bring triumph out of tragedy. "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." (John 16:22 NIV)."
This is powerful, especially since I know what it is like for people to think I should be handling things differently. My grief used to be a long process. I would do the crying, anger and the "normal" grieving very quickly. Then, that grief would manifest in other ways. I was basically a manic depressant, only in grief. I would act out and become a meaner, more selfish person. Grief was not a good suit for me, not at all.
Ever since I have asked God back into my life, I have noticed a HUGE difference in how I grieve. Grief isn't meant to be sunshine and rainbows, but I don't grieve to the horrid extent I once did. I will give two very strong examples, times when I actually did suffer from grief and how having the Lord in my life made the two processes very different.
In 2006 my grandmother passed away. This woman was like my second mother, and a friend. She was a very large part of my life and losing her was extremely difficult. I was able to attend her memorial service and stuff, but the grief hit me HARD. I had just gotten married to my first husband and even though it was expected, it felt like my world just crashed around me. I lost someone I loved deeply and didn't think that I would ever get over it. Then, shortly after, my husband deployed (for those who may not know, he went overseas with the military for a few months). It just felt like everyone was being taken away from me. So, all this grief was piling up, building, and it finally made me crumble. I began drinking, heavily and often. I was out all the time, not being any kind of respectable wife or granddaughter. I just couldn't handle life as it was, being upset was just too much. So, I acted out instead.
Well, after asking God into my life, grief is very different. I don't act out as much and I am more patient with life, and with His plans for my life. Like, when I was raped. Becoming pregnant from a rape brings about TONS of grief. And honestly, I was completely lost. I was already beginning to grieve my marriage because I was certain it was over. I was grieving over giving up my child, because I was surely set on adoption. I was grieving over every aspect of my life because everything I knew was about to change. That, my friends, is a lot of grief. I cried daily. I was upset constantly. I am certain I even scared my children with how emotionally unstable I was. Then something happened, I stopped trying to control it and asked God to take my grief and show me what I should do. Prayed for Him to lead me and take control of everything for me.
I still grieved. I was still hurt and sad by the things that were happening, and those that had happened. But it was different. And yes, I did feel guilty when I finally started feeling happy again. Smiles, laughs and any good feelings made me feel guilty. Was I becoming too happy, too fast? Was it wrong for me to be okay, and not still crying over everything? Was the way I grieved before too much?
Well, there were some who felt that way. I grieved too much, and too publicly for some. I was too open and too rawly honest for some. But, when I started being happy again, that wasn't right either. I guess because of what happened, I was supposed to cry more, longer, harder... I am not really sure what people expected, but being okay with the pregnancy was NOT what they agreed with.
Even when I decided to keep Jonathen (which I would NEVER EVER go back and change thing about that). There were few who thought that there was no way I was really raped because I was keeping him, and happy about that decision. Though, I can't explain it to someone who doesn't understand.
I was happy. I was very happy. But I was also nervous and terrified at the same time. I believe God wanted me to keep him, and I was happy because I was doing as God asked, even in a time of heavy grief. I was smiling because I knew that God would not want me to continue crying. I was finally at peace with things because I asked God to forgive me for my actions and asked Him to protect my family. Knowing He was in total control, I was finally feeling happy again.
Those situations were very different, because God made them different. My faith made it different. My trust in God made them very different. While grief is a very natural, and necessary, process, everyone grieves differently. We can't let what we believe to be "right" allow us to judge others for how they handle grief. It's not up to us, or anyone else, to decide how someone handles grief, rather we should be supporting one another through it.
"Today, rejoice in the knowledge that God is with you and He is powerful enough and understands you enough to comfort you in this moment. In the opening scripture of Peter, it tells us "for a little while you may have had to suffer grief". "a little while" can be days, months, or years. Some grief will stay with us for a lifetime, but God will change the level and depth of the pain over time so that you can still bear fruit and have joy."
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Distractions
You're driving, following the car in front of you. Traffic is heavy and the person you are following is going somewhere you have never been, never thought of and never expected you would ever go. You are at the complete mercy of the other driver. You can only get to where you are supposed to be going by following them. Suddenly, another car gets in front of you, slams their brakes and slows you down. Or there is some road block that you can't get through in time. Even imagine some huge accident happens right in front of you that doesn't require your attention but you can't help but to focus on it. You've now lost the car you were following and don't have the slightest idea where you need to go. How do you fix it? How do you get to where you need to go now? How do you find your way?
Now, most people will just call the other driver and ask that they slow down until they can catch up. Some people may even get upset and just get lost in the crowd and give up, and stop the journey they were on. I guess it depends on the person and how important the final destination is to them.
I believe that following Christ is the same way. It is easy to follow Him, but it is even easier to get cut off and slowed down by distractions from Satan. It is easy to get cut off by evil, or distracted by things that do not require our attention. The question is, how important is it to you to continue your journey following? How important is that final destination, your eternal life with Christ?
I know from experience how easy it is to get lost. To have that car jump out and throw me way back. To hit road blocks that I saw coming and didn't avoid. To be distracted by something that I shouldn't be focusing on. I also know what it's like to give up my journey and just drive my life at my own pace. Though, I realize that following Christ is too important to me. Eternal life with Him is too important to me. I know that getting cut off will happen, I just also know that I want to always be the person that calls my driver and asks him to come back to me and continue guiding me!
There are many things that are distractions for me. These other cars, road blocks and distractions are things like finances, school, other people, my kids, family, everything. These things distract me from the journey I started and make me lose focus on following my one and only leader. I become lost because I focus on the distractions and not the path I should be following.
Another part of this too is that some people see street signs that entice them. Like, we are driving along I10 and see a sign for Steak N' Shake - Next exit. I like Steak N' Shake, so I become enticed. I start thinking about jumping off at the exit and taking a short detour. The only problem is, the person I am following won't stop because Steak N' Shake is bad for me. So, if I take this detour, I do so on my own and lose my leader. I get lost because I wasn't able to be strong enough to continue following. I gave in to my own desires, and I was thrown off course.
It's still possible, though, to get back to the right path. You just gotta call and ask forgiveness and get back with them. Just call out to God, repent and ask Him to continue to lead you. Just remember, all the other distractions need to be ignored. Stop worrying about what those around you are doing and focus on your own path. Stop letting their distractions get in your way. I still struggle with this. I get distracted easily, especially by family. I allow their actions and opinions distract me when what they do and think should mean nothing to me compared to what God thinks of me.
I am comfortably following God and pray that I keep my eyes open and guard up and that Satan doesn't have a chance to distract me with his nonsense...
Now, most people will just call the other driver and ask that they slow down until they can catch up. Some people may even get upset and just get lost in the crowd and give up, and stop the journey they were on. I guess it depends on the person and how important the final destination is to them.
I believe that following Christ is the same way. It is easy to follow Him, but it is even easier to get cut off and slowed down by distractions from Satan. It is easy to get cut off by evil, or distracted by things that do not require our attention. The question is, how important is it to you to continue your journey following? How important is that final destination, your eternal life with Christ?
I know from experience how easy it is to get lost. To have that car jump out and throw me way back. To hit road blocks that I saw coming and didn't avoid. To be distracted by something that I shouldn't be focusing on. I also know what it's like to give up my journey and just drive my life at my own pace. Though, I realize that following Christ is too important to me. Eternal life with Him is too important to me. I know that getting cut off will happen, I just also know that I want to always be the person that calls my driver and asks him to come back to me and continue guiding me!
There are many things that are distractions for me. These other cars, road blocks and distractions are things like finances, school, other people, my kids, family, everything. These things distract me from the journey I started and make me lose focus on following my one and only leader. I become lost because I focus on the distractions and not the path I should be following.
Another part of this too is that some people see street signs that entice them. Like, we are driving along I10 and see a sign for Steak N' Shake - Next exit. I like Steak N' Shake, so I become enticed. I start thinking about jumping off at the exit and taking a short detour. The only problem is, the person I am following won't stop because Steak N' Shake is bad for me. So, if I take this detour, I do so on my own and lose my leader. I get lost because I wasn't able to be strong enough to continue following. I gave in to my own desires, and I was thrown off course.
It's still possible, though, to get back to the right path. You just gotta call and ask forgiveness and get back with them. Just call out to God, repent and ask Him to continue to lead you. Just remember, all the other distractions need to be ignored. Stop worrying about what those around you are doing and focus on your own path. Stop letting their distractions get in your way. I still struggle with this. I get distracted easily, especially by family. I allow their actions and opinions distract me when what they do and think should mean nothing to me compared to what God thinks of me.
I am comfortably following God and pray that I keep my eyes open and guard up and that Satan doesn't have a chance to distract me with his nonsense...
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Temptation
TEMPTATION:
Hmmmm... wonder what the Bible says...
Noun
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Synonyms
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Hmmmm... wonder what the Bible says...
Matthew 5:27-28 ESV / 31 helpful votes
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
John 8:4-11 ESV / 27 helpful votes
They said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. ...
You know, if you went back and read all my blog posts, you would find that I had an affair during a time that I separated from my husband. Am I proud of that, most definitely NOT. Did I learn something, most definitely. I learned a lot about myself and the love I have for my husband.
I went through a moment of fear and wanted to run from my difficult marriage. I went to visit family and during the visit I decided I didn't want my marriage anymore. So, I told my husband I would not be returning to Germany. After that, I ended up having an affair. This affair was very brief and all it did was remind me of what an amazing man I had. So, I wanted to fix my marriage. I decide that I want to return to Germany. I could have kept my affair a secret. Only a couple people knew about it and none of which would have said a word about it. So really, I could have never said a word and he probably would have never known about it.
Though, this is where I learned a lot about myself and my love for my husband. I offered him the truth. He didn't ask me, he didn't find it out somewhere, I just offered it to him. I thought that if we were going to truly work on our marriage, he needed to know the entire truth. No secrets, no lies, no hiding anything. And I will never regret making this choice. I may have made a bad decision to do what I did, but I took responsibility for it and was willing to face the consequences for it. Thankfully, he loved me enough to not let it end our marriage.
From the time we got back together, I have tried to avoid temptation. Though, I tried to do it by my own rules. Thinking that I could keep male friends who weren't like "that" because they were just friends. Thinking I was safe around other men, alone, because they were just friends or because they were also married. Well, I learned a very hard way that you can't always trust that, and even when you have pure intentions, other people won't always respect you. So, when my rules proved to not work, it was time to start obeying God's rules.
I no longer like being alone, for any amount of time, with a man that is not my husband. It actually makes me very nervous, like a freaked out nervous. I do not like it, at all. I also try to avoid looking at men that could spark any impure thoughts. It just isn't right to look at another man with those thoughts. If I want to think about a man that way, I should be thinking of my husband and only my husband.
I know that a lot of people will think I am weak because I admit that temptation is hard for me. I struggle with temptation of the opposite sex. When I am getting attention and made to feel beautiful, I am drawn to that. Who wouldn't be? But I have to really examine things and remember WHY I begin to feel tempted. It's because I allowed myself to think that way. I allowed the lustful thoughts in my head. It's because I am not following God's rules, I am following my own. And that part, I can control.
So while someone else may think I am weak, I am being as strong as I can be. I am preventing the problem before it can even begin. I am following God's rules for my marriage, not my own rules. I am being strong before my strength is tested.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Running from Bad
God didn't promise it would be easy, He promised it would be worth it!
There are many days that it would be easier to just give up, to walk away and do something different. Many days that it would be easier to do anything but face what that day has brought. Though, it doesn't matter where I go, I will always have problems. So, I either run from things for the rest of my life or I face life as it is and make it great!
If I ran away every time there was a problem, I would never stop running. Life is full of issues, even when we try to avoid them. Do you wanna run at every little issue, or do you want to be able to stop running and be able to enjoy life?
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"... Depending on your personality, this can be read different ways. I personally think that it means that the tough people fight harder and start working through the tough stuff. Though, I know too many people who apparently think the phrase means to literally GET GOING, and run, when things get tough. I was even that person at one time.
Relationships, work, anything that can get hard, I would run. I hated commitment because I wanted to be able to just walk away if I couldn't handle it. And even when I made commitments, I barely stuck with them. I ran, from everything. I couldn't even keep many friendships because of it. I hurt people I cared about because of it. I hurt myself because of it.
Relationships were always the worst for me. I never had much of a relationship with a guy after about 6 months. Things would start to get hard, or I would start to care too much, so I ran. I would cheat, lie, break up, whatever it was that would be an end to that relationship. Because, it was just too much. I was not the kind of person to work through things with a guy, EVER. If we had problems, well, it wasn't worth it to even try anymore. I gave up, walked away and just never even attempted to fix anything.
Now, I know that I can sit and dwell on things in the past, and I am very glad that my life is where it is today. However, all of that running taught me only one thing, how to run faster and how to spot problems before they happened and get a head start. So, it wasn't helping me, it was only making things worse. I was hurting more and more people while trusting fewer and fewer. Even allowed myself to ruin my first marriage, because it was easier to run than to face the problems.
Now, I admit that kids have changed me LOTS. I still think it would be easier to run at times. I have even had moments when I started to. However, they give me a reason to slow down and look at what I am running from. And, I find that I don't WANT to run anymore. I want to slow down, enjoy the good times and face the bad. Because my kids deserve better than that.
I know people who think Fil and I should just end it. That we should run from our issues and let our problems win. I know people who don't think I am good enough for him, or him for me. I know a few people who can't understand why we continue to stand by each other, through anything and everything. I also know a few who REFUSE to even attempt to respect our marriage and what we have worked together to build. And some of the people have never been married, so they truly have no idea what a marriage really takes. It is easy to walk away from someone you are simply dating, its completely different to divorce a spouse.
Is my marriage perfect? FAR FROM IT. I have made mistakes, he has made mistakes and together we have made mistakes. We've made big mistakes and small mistakes. However, the one thing I can say is that our marriage was NOT a mistake. Our love is not a mistake. Us fighting for each other, through everything, is not a mistake. And anyone who thinks it is doesn't understand true love, or marriage.
Our marriage hasn't been easy, though God never said marriage would be easy. But I can't run anymore, I need to face things I do wrong and try to fight for all the good that is in my life. I need to hold on to the things that bring me joy (God, my husband, my children) and stop letting the bad things get between me and that happiness. I need to face my own mistakes, repent for them, ask forgiveness and learn to move on. I just hope that others around me can learn to do the same things. And hope that some day people will accept me, just as I am, imperfect but happy!
There are many days that it would be easier to just give up, to walk away and do something different. Many days that it would be easier to do anything but face what that day has brought. Though, it doesn't matter where I go, I will always have problems. So, I either run from things for the rest of my life or I face life as it is and make it great!
If I ran away every time there was a problem, I would never stop running. Life is full of issues, even when we try to avoid them. Do you wanna run at every little issue, or do you want to be able to stop running and be able to enjoy life?
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"... Depending on your personality, this can be read different ways. I personally think that it means that the tough people fight harder and start working through the tough stuff. Though, I know too many people who apparently think the phrase means to literally GET GOING, and run, when things get tough. I was even that person at one time.
Relationships, work, anything that can get hard, I would run. I hated commitment because I wanted to be able to just walk away if I couldn't handle it. And even when I made commitments, I barely stuck with them. I ran, from everything. I couldn't even keep many friendships because of it. I hurt people I cared about because of it. I hurt myself because of it.
Relationships were always the worst for me. I never had much of a relationship with a guy after about 6 months. Things would start to get hard, or I would start to care too much, so I ran. I would cheat, lie, break up, whatever it was that would be an end to that relationship. Because, it was just too much. I was not the kind of person to work through things with a guy, EVER. If we had problems, well, it wasn't worth it to even try anymore. I gave up, walked away and just never even attempted to fix anything.
Now, I know that I can sit and dwell on things in the past, and I am very glad that my life is where it is today. However, all of that running taught me only one thing, how to run faster and how to spot problems before they happened and get a head start. So, it wasn't helping me, it was only making things worse. I was hurting more and more people while trusting fewer and fewer. Even allowed myself to ruin my first marriage, because it was easier to run than to face the problems.
Now, I admit that kids have changed me LOTS. I still think it would be easier to run at times. I have even had moments when I started to. However, they give me a reason to slow down and look at what I am running from. And, I find that I don't WANT to run anymore. I want to slow down, enjoy the good times and face the bad. Because my kids deserve better than that.
I know people who think Fil and I should just end it. That we should run from our issues and let our problems win. I know people who don't think I am good enough for him, or him for me. I know a few people who can't understand why we continue to stand by each other, through anything and everything. I also know a few who REFUSE to even attempt to respect our marriage and what we have worked together to build. And some of the people have never been married, so they truly have no idea what a marriage really takes. It is easy to walk away from someone you are simply dating, its completely different to divorce a spouse.
Is my marriage perfect? FAR FROM IT. I have made mistakes, he has made mistakes and together we have made mistakes. We've made big mistakes and small mistakes. However, the one thing I can say is that our marriage was NOT a mistake. Our love is not a mistake. Us fighting for each other, through everything, is not a mistake. And anyone who thinks it is doesn't understand true love, or marriage.
Our marriage hasn't been easy, though God never said marriage would be easy. But I can't run anymore, I need to face things I do wrong and try to fight for all the good that is in my life. I need to hold on to the things that bring me joy (God, my husband, my children) and stop letting the bad things get between me and that happiness. I need to face my own mistakes, repent for them, ask forgiveness and learn to move on. I just hope that others around me can learn to do the same things. And hope that some day people will accept me, just as I am, imperfect but happy!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Blessed are the persecuted
I have always found it pretty amazing that I hear the messages from God that I need, just when I need them most. At church this morning, I really had to evaluate things, and I admit that I am not nearly as faithful to God as I should be. Yes I believe, yes I pray, yes we go to church. But, have I REALLY been faithful like he expects me to be? Have I turned everything over and completely trusted Him? The answer is NO. I haven't. While I have tried to make choices pleasing to Him, I haven't completely turned everything over. And honestly, that is hard for anyone to do.
Matthew 5:10-12 says: Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
These verses don't sound appealing, do they? Who WANTS to be persecuted? Well, it clearly states here that we should be glad when we are, because it shows that we are doing what is right, and God will reward us. I haven't always believed this, but I have really started to see exactly what this means.
Now, the important thing is to not confuse this with being persecuted for the wrong things you do. When you mess up, the bad stuff is inevitable. You caused those things with your stupid actions, not as a result of doing good. I will use myself as an example:
I went out drinking, with a man who wasn't my husband. There were consequences to those actions that do rest on me for making the decision to be where my actions were unpleasing to God. In this sense, I will not be blessed because I faced trials, and hardships from this choice. Every bad thing that came from my choices was not God's doing, it was due to my stupid choices and the stupid choices of someone else.
However... when faced with a pregnancy that resulted of the assault which occurred as a result of my poor choices, I chose to not make stupid choices again. Instead, I chose to do what would be pleasing to God. I, first and foremost, told my husband what happened. When I could have lied and found ways to hide it, I chose honesty. Then, I chose life, the life of this unborn child. I chose to continue with the pregnancy, even though abortion was a very easy (and honestly appealing) way to not face what happened. And as a result, I have been extremely blessed.
Those are just small examples of what it means. There are much more in depth and intense situations all over the world. And while I chose the right things in that particular situation, there are still many situations and areas of my life that I need to turn over, release my control and let God run.
My trials right now, I believe, are because I do lose focus. I forget who should be leading my life and my choices. I forget to turn to Him, and it's my own desires that are leading me. So, I am working harder at this, and I do find myself being persecuted for doing what I feel God desires of me.
For example, the recent issues in my life involve me forgiving people. Forgiveness is difficult, especially when you have been betrayed so badly, by people you trusted and cared for with all your heart. It is hard to forgive those who have done unspeakable hurt to your heart. But I am choosing to do just that. I am choosing to forgive and move on. I am even choosing to keep them in my life, as my family in Christ. I am choosing to accept their apologies and treat them with love and kindness. I am choosing not to let my hurt turn to bitterness and resentment. I am choosing to love them as God would love them.
So, I am being persecuted (in a sense) for this choice. I am being told that I am stupid for this choice, that I am making the wrong choice. I am being told that by forgiving, I am saying what they did was okay. I am telling them that I am okay with what they did, and that I am too weak to do anything about it. Though, that is not at all what my forgiveness says. My forgiveness actually says that I am strong enough to be hurt by them, and strong enough to not allow myself to hurt them back. Instead, I will continue to love them and not punish them. I am strong enough to move on, even when it seems easier to punish them.
However, this forgiveness doesn't mean that I am still not guilty of losing sight of God. I still do, and I still will. I pray, however, that those times get fewer and farther between, and much shorter. Because only He can give me the strength to continue to make the right choices in life!
I went out drinking, with a man who wasn't my husband. There were consequences to those actions that do rest on me for making the decision to be where my actions were unpleasing to God. In this sense, I will not be blessed because I faced trials, and hardships from this choice. Every bad thing that came from my choices was not God's doing, it was due to my stupid choices and the stupid choices of someone else.
However... when faced with a pregnancy that resulted of the assault which occurred as a result of my poor choices, I chose to not make stupid choices again. Instead, I chose to do what would be pleasing to God. I, first and foremost, told my husband what happened. When I could have lied and found ways to hide it, I chose honesty. Then, I chose life, the life of this unborn child. I chose to continue with the pregnancy, even though abortion was a very easy (and honestly appealing) way to not face what happened. And as a result, I have been extremely blessed.
Those are just small examples of what it means. There are much more in depth and intense situations all over the world. And while I chose the right things in that particular situation, there are still many situations and areas of my life that I need to turn over, release my control and let God run.
My trials right now, I believe, are because I do lose focus. I forget who should be leading my life and my choices. I forget to turn to Him, and it's my own desires that are leading me. So, I am working harder at this, and I do find myself being persecuted for doing what I feel God desires of me.
For example, the recent issues in my life involve me forgiving people. Forgiveness is difficult, especially when you have been betrayed so badly, by people you trusted and cared for with all your heart. It is hard to forgive those who have done unspeakable hurt to your heart. But I am choosing to do just that. I am choosing to forgive and move on. I am even choosing to keep them in my life, as my family in Christ. I am choosing to accept their apologies and treat them with love and kindness. I am choosing not to let my hurt turn to bitterness and resentment. I am choosing to love them as God would love them.
So, I am being persecuted (in a sense) for this choice. I am being told that I am stupid for this choice, that I am making the wrong choice. I am being told that by forgiving, I am saying what they did was okay. I am telling them that I am okay with what they did, and that I am too weak to do anything about it. Though, that is not at all what my forgiveness says. My forgiveness actually says that I am strong enough to be hurt by them, and strong enough to not allow myself to hurt them back. Instead, I will continue to love them and not punish them. I am strong enough to move on, even when it seems easier to punish them.
However, this forgiveness doesn't mean that I am still not guilty of losing sight of God. I still do, and I still will. I pray, however, that those times get fewer and farther between, and much shorter. Because only He can give me the strength to continue to make the right choices in life!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Storms, Mattresses and Truth
Anyone who has read my past blogs, or who has known me over the last few years, knows that I have had some really rough stuff happen. Whether these things were of my own doing or not, the last few years have definitely tested me, my marriage and my faith. All of these things, mixed with the good stuff, has changed me. And I was just recently tested, again. However, these tests have shown me the kind of person I really am, and the kind of person I have tried to be.
The weather here in Illinois has been crazy, to say the least. We get some incredibly nice days, then we get hit with intense thunderstorms and tornado watches/warnings. It just so happens that some of the latest storms happened during a time that I was being tested with things in my life. And all I could do was notice the comparison.
Relationships, whether it be friendship or marriage, are a lot like the weather. There are beautiful days when you are happy and you wish it could just last forever. There are cloudy days where it's not all sunshine and smiles but still many good possibilities. Then, out of nowhere the dark clouds can roll in, causing storms and damage to everything. You want to run and hide, to avoid the storms, to protect yourself from the damage they could cause. Relationships are the same way. And when it's stormy in a relationship, a lot of people just run and hide from the storm.
Though, in these storms, it is family that protects each other. Family who work together to ensure the safety of everyone. Families who weather the storms together, huddling in a closet praying that the storms pass quickly and do as little damage as possible. Relationships should be the same way. Families working together to protect each other, to weather the storms together and to pray together for the storms to pass.
With this last round of storms in our area, I thought about the real possibility of a tornado coming through our neighborhood. What if damage was done to our home? What if I had to do more than get in a closet with my family? What if I had to take more drastic measures to protecting them? As everyone knows, or should know, the deadliest part of a tornado is flying debris. If one were to come through here, the best bet would be for us to have a mattress or something over us as protection from things flying and falling on us. However, this would likely terrify my children and would possible hurt them a little from the weight of the mattress or something related to it. Though, with all the flying and falling debris, you would hurt a lot more for a lot longer if the mattress weren't there. And that is even if you survive it. When storms happen in relationships, this can ring true as well.
The relationship storm has flying debris, in the sense of lies, infidelity, abuse, or any other issue that could tear a marriage apart. These things can also cause the end of the relationship. However, just like in a real storm, truth is the mattress. It is the truth that will protect the relationship from the other flying debris. I believe that no matter what debris is flying in the relationship storm, when you tell the truth, it protects you. It may still hurt a little at that moment, but the long term pain will be much less than if it weren't there. Even if there is no guarantee, it is better safe than sorry. And, speaking from personal experience, the truth is always the best bet when you want to protect those you love.
So, whether you are in a real storm or in a metaphorical storm, remember your mattress. Don't believe in the idea that you could still cause pain, so what's the point, because you could likely suffer way more pain without that protection. And remember that when you are weathering these storms, don't leave the family on the wrong side of that mattress, they need that protection too!
The weather here in Illinois has been crazy, to say the least. We get some incredibly nice days, then we get hit with intense thunderstorms and tornado watches/warnings. It just so happens that some of the latest storms happened during a time that I was being tested with things in my life. And all I could do was notice the comparison.
Relationships, whether it be friendship or marriage, are a lot like the weather. There are beautiful days when you are happy and you wish it could just last forever. There are cloudy days where it's not all sunshine and smiles but still many good possibilities. Then, out of nowhere the dark clouds can roll in, causing storms and damage to everything. You want to run and hide, to avoid the storms, to protect yourself from the damage they could cause. Relationships are the same way. And when it's stormy in a relationship, a lot of people just run and hide from the storm.
Though, in these storms, it is family that protects each other. Family who work together to ensure the safety of everyone. Families who weather the storms together, huddling in a closet praying that the storms pass quickly and do as little damage as possible. Relationships should be the same way. Families working together to protect each other, to weather the storms together and to pray together for the storms to pass.
With this last round of storms in our area, I thought about the real possibility of a tornado coming through our neighborhood. What if damage was done to our home? What if I had to do more than get in a closet with my family? What if I had to take more drastic measures to protecting them? As everyone knows, or should know, the deadliest part of a tornado is flying debris. If one were to come through here, the best bet would be for us to have a mattress or something over us as protection from things flying and falling on us. However, this would likely terrify my children and would possible hurt them a little from the weight of the mattress or something related to it. Though, with all the flying and falling debris, you would hurt a lot more for a lot longer if the mattress weren't there. And that is even if you survive it. When storms happen in relationships, this can ring true as well.
The relationship storm has flying debris, in the sense of lies, infidelity, abuse, or any other issue that could tear a marriage apart. These things can also cause the end of the relationship. However, just like in a real storm, truth is the mattress. It is the truth that will protect the relationship from the other flying debris. I believe that no matter what debris is flying in the relationship storm, when you tell the truth, it protects you. It may still hurt a little at that moment, but the long term pain will be much less than if it weren't there. Even if there is no guarantee, it is better safe than sorry. And, speaking from personal experience, the truth is always the best bet when you want to protect those you love.
So, whether you are in a real storm or in a metaphorical storm, remember your mattress. Don't believe in the idea that you could still cause pain, so what's the point, because you could likely suffer way more pain without that protection. And remember that when you are weathering these storms, don't leave the family on the wrong side of that mattress, they need that protection too!
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