Scared Mommy

Having boys keeps me on my toes, and sometimes shaking. Today was one of those days that I have been on my toes and shaking through most of the day.

It started off as a pretty normal morning. We got up, had pancakes for breakfast and I started my daily chores. Then, I decided I'd start putting baby stuff together. I put the stroller and playpen together and started working on the swing.

My boys, being playful, wanted to play with the boxes. Fine with me because they were entertained and having fun! Darien was walking around with the box from the swing on his body when he tripped and fell face first into the ground.

Now, this kid has taken many HARD falls and hits to his head without being phased, so I didn't jump right up. He started to cry a little bit and stayed on the ground. I kept asking if he was alright but next thing I know his eyes are rolling and his tongue was hanging out of his mouth, his arms pulled up to his chest and his body shaking. Drool was coming out of his mouth, he wasn't responding to me at all. It even took him a little bit after this stopped for him to respond. I of course called the ambulance IMMEDIATELY.

They came out and he seemed okay but because I've NEVER seen him do that and he's had MANY falls, hard falls, with hitting his head and never had that happen, I was completely freaked out. This child has had unicorn sized knots on his head and maybe cried for a few minutes and was right back to his normal self. So, yeah, this had me worried.

The ride to the hospital was a little strange. He asked me a couple times where we were and had to wear my sun glasses because his eyes hurt. He just wasn't Darien. He was quiet and seemed really tired. Which of course added so much more worry. Once we got there, they checked him out and said he seemed to be acting pretty good under the circumstances.

The Dr was willing to do a CT if we wanted one though I do hate the risks of them on kids, so we opted for some monitoring and go from there. He checked out fine, no bleeding in his ears, eyes dilating normally, responding to commands and talking again. He was obviously tired, but still managed to stay awake to let the Dr examine him. We stayed there and they kept an eye on him for close to an hour and we were able to come home.

They do think it is probably a mild concussion, but even if they got the scan to see that, there isn't much they can really do about it. It would still be a matter of waiting and seeing how it goes. We were told if he was in any contact sports or physical activity that he shouldn't return to it without being cleared by Peds. Otherwise he was clear to resume normal daily activities and the Dr seemed pretty confident that he'd be okay.

Also, the likely reason that he had that sort of reaction when he's never had before is because of how he hit. Normally when he's fallen he hits the side of his head, around the temple. There is a little more protection in those areas, causing less direct force to the brain. Whereas this time he fell directly on his forehead, giving that direct force right to his brain. Makes sense to me and sounds like a justifiable reason for the episode he had. Didn't make it any less scary though.

Ever since we got home, he's been himself again! Though, every noise that sounded like throwing up or weird thing he did was making me worry. I don't think I've ever watched my child as closely as I have today. I'm still worried. Short of letting him sleep with us (which IS NOT going to happen), I am doing what I can to make sure he's still alright. He's my boy, I need to know that he's going to be fine!

It's scary being a mom. I love it more than anything but man, days like today really show you how much you worry when you are a parent. I don't think it's going to get any easier either. My boys are my life and thinking that anything has happened to them makes me freak. I'm really hoping it's a long while before we have another fall like that.

For now though, he seems just fine! I am sure he is, but any parent out there will understand the worry I feel. When we get up tomorrow, I am going to make us breakfast and take all these boxes OUTSIDE. I'm also going to just love on my boys and make sure they know how much they are loved!

Just moving right along

Well, life just keeps moving right along! We have 2 new family members, as of yesterday. Filip's sister had her twins, a boy and girl!!! Both healthy babies and everyone is doing well!

I'm now on the countdown to having my baby! I say after 9 more weeks this child can come whenever! I do enjoy being pregnant but I find myself being a lot more impatient this time. I love babies, especially my babies, so I am ready for it to be time and to get to hold my little prince!

I love my pregnant belly! I am going to miss it, just as I did after my boys were born, but I do love it! We are still undecided about having more, though the option will be left open for when we get back to the US.

School is going. I am in week 3 this week and so ready for it to be over. I am ready for a break again! I feel much more trapped in the house and unable to have quality family time being in classes. And I would love to enjoy the summer, or what we are getting, with my family.

It's been rainy and cool here. Not much of a summer just yet. I am thankful for that since I am pregnant and I'm not as uncomfortable as I could be in the heat. Though, I know the rain won't last forever, though it is Germany so it might, so I will soon be hot and icky.

Other than that, life is pretty boring around here. Adrien turns 3 in about 2 weeks, so we will have his party. I am also going on a Polish Pottery trip to Poland the weekend after his party! yup, pretty excited about that. Just going with the ladies so it should be a good trip!

Well, back to life I suppose. Hopefully the next update with be a really good one!

Just a few updates

Most people close enough to me know that I have been going to counseling lately. While some counselors have expressed that they believe I could be mildly bipolar, the lady I've been seeing doesn't feel that way. She believes that I am so used to a negative way of thinking that everything that happens is subject to my negative thinking patterns. Meaning, even something that could be viewed with the positive, I only see the negative and dwell on it, making it much worse than it is.

We've decided to go with the cognitive thinking therapy to help change my thinking patterns. There are many different ways of going about it, and I am willing to try them all. Recently, the biggest change is asking myself a list of questions when I start stressing or taking things personally. The questions are way to think through the entire situation and turn it into a positive or to at least prove that it isn't personal to me. This has helped immensely.

It can be difficult at time to remember to go over the questions, but they help. In the heat of the moment, I still have my moments and let things get to me more that I should, but when I get to those questions, it reminds me that I am over reacting and need to take a step back. I've noticed a small change in myself since starting with it and hope it continues to make changes in my habits and thinking patterns.

I am also going to start using "Guided Thinking" to help with sleep. I am going to download some stuff on itunes that should help relax me and also help with the positive thinking. Plus, if it can help me get to sleep, that would help because I wouldn't be as tired and cranky all the time!

So, small steps and small changes but definite improvement! I don't know if anyone else has noticed it, but at least I am feeling better! All I can do is take it one day at a time and pray that God even continues to work in me, making me better each day!

In other news, the hubby will be going to Vegas, lucky him. It's only for a week though, so hoping he doesn't have time for too much fun. Maybe one of these days we will be able to go together, and not on work time. So, a week for the kids and I to hang around and miss him. Thankfully, it is just a week.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant today!!! Only 14 weeks to go! I am starting to get very uncomfortable and feeling like I live in the bathroom again. He's got to stay in there at least another 10 weeks, but after that I'm hoping he won't want to stay in too long. I can't wait to see my baby BOY!!! Oh, and we have chosen a name...

JORDEN LUKAS

I am beyond excited!

Anyway... will post more updates soon!

Another class, added stress

Whelp, that was a much shorter break from school than I intended it to be. I am now getting enrolled in another class to avoid some unnecessary retardedness. Hopefully just one more class and I can be done with this school all together. I've had more stress and frustration dealing with these people than anything in my life.

I submitted my FAFSA form back in December. The financial adviser I had at the time didn't do a very good job of telling me what I needed to turn in, so it took until having a change of financial advisers to get this all done. Now, the new financial adviser has even slacked on giving me some information and it caused for some major confusion. Now, because I want to get my grant money for the 2010-2011 school year, I have to be actively in a class. So, even though I have already taken a full-time students course load for the year, I can't get the grant money unless I take another class. So, here I am trying to get into a class before it's too late. I want that money...

I am extremely frustrated because part of the issues I've had recently are that I had been putting too much on my plate and here I am adding the one thing I was able to cut out. I'm hoping that the next 5 weeks go by quickly and that it's plenty of time to get the grant money to me. Once I get that money and this class is over, I am totally done with this school. When I am ready to start classes again, after the baby is born of course, I will be finding a different school to attend. Just too much stress on me.

Other than that, life is good.

Weekend fun!

There is so much do around here with small kids, though we haven't really taken the time to explore those things. Yabadoo is an indoor play place for kids with like 5 or 6 different "bouncy houses", trampolines (with and without the harnesses), a volcano to climb up, swings and some other stuff for them to do. It's great for kids Darien and Adrien's ages, and even for bigger kids. If I weren't pregnant I'd be out there doing everything with them!

The first time we went was a few weeks ago and they had a blast. We decided to go back this weekend and make a day of it! We were there for about 3 hours and both kids were pouring sweat. Fil was soaking in it too. Honestly, it was quite disgusting. Though, very worth it to see all 3 of my boys having such a great time!

It's a little blurry but you can still see that HUGE smile on his face! I think he went on this thing 5 times, for 5-10 minutes each time. He LOVED it!

And of course, my jumper. He had so much fun just jumping into the balls. Though, this was after he had worn himself down by climbing the volcano and playing on all the other stuff!


Then on Sunday we decided to go to the pool. Well, the boys all decided we'd go to the pool. We weren't there too awful long but I am sure the boys had a pretty great time. Darien is starting to get a lot more comfortable in the water. Adrien is having his "don't let go of me" phase.

Aren't they awesome! Thats what I walked in to see when we were about to head out the door. I love my guys :)

After swimming we decided to come back and grill out at home. We made steak, chicken and shrimp kabobs. This was our first time ever making kabobs, and we don't grill out often, so an all new thing for us. It was fun to make the kabobs with Fil and just spend that time together. Plus, they didn't turn out too bad anyway. The steak was good, chicken was pretty good and the shrimp needed some work. But, it was good and the time we spent together is the best of it all!

Pregnancy Stress and Irritation

Having a baby can, and should be, a joyous time for women. Pregnancy is an amazing wonder and should be enjoyed. Though, I'm finding with this pregnancy that I am not nearly as happy with things as I was with my other pregnancies. It's not the pregnancy itself, rather the care I've received, or not received, however you want to look at it.

I realize that I had my other children at another hospital but does care really differ that greatly? I am still dealing with military providers, how come it seems so much different than what I had before? I understand that even with the military, different places will have different operating procedures, but the care I have received recently is definitely substandard and it's creating lots of stress and a lack of confidence in the people that should be caring for me and my baby.

A couple months ago I got sick. I had a head cold that lasted over 2 weeks. I'd made an appointment with my PCM but she said it was just something I needed to let pass. She'd also stated that she was uncomfortable prescribing medications to me because I was pregnant. So, a few nights later I went to the ER because I was getting worse, not better. They would have prescribed penicillin but I am allergic to it, so they were uncomfortable giving me anything else because, well, I am pregnant.

By that point I was fed up with being told that I couldn't get prescribed meds because I am pregnant. I was sick, have 2 other kids and a house to take care of. I can't afford to be sick for 2 weeks without some sort of help to make me better. I finally called the OB/GYN clinic to see if I could get in to see the midwife I'd seen for all my baby appointments. They, luckily, were able to get me in that day and she gave me some antibiotics and I was already feeling better by the next day. Just frustrating that I had to go through all of that to get helped.

Well, now, I am sick again. Head cold. I am stuffy, coughing and my left ear has so much pressure built up in it that it feels like I've stuffed an entire cotton ball in my ear. This started over the weekend, but since I had my baby appointment already scheduled for today, I decided to just wait to do anything and have them deal with it. Ha. I ask if she can look in my ear to make sure it's not an infection or to at least see what we can do about it. Her response was that they don't have that equipment because they don't look in many ears. REALLY?

Ok, I give credit to the fact that it is an OB clinic. They aren't looking at ears, but I know for a fact there is at least 1 room there that does have that equipment and she could have very easily made it possible for it to be checked. Instead I am being told to go to my PCM who isn't going to do anything for me anyway, I'll either end up in the ER or calling them back for an appointment when it could have all been handled today. I'm extremely disappointed and frustrated with this place.

At our last base, the hospital had 2 different OB clinics. They had the clinic that only saw pregnant women and the clinic that handled all other womanly appointments. Even if you weren't regularly seen in the women's clinic, before 20 weeks, that is where you'd go for any illness or issues during pregnancy, whether it was pregnancy related or not. This ensured that you were always seen by an OB and there was never the issue of a Dr feeling uncomfortable or unwilling to prescribe medications to a pregnant woman. I just think that is how it should be everywhere. While pregnant, whether the issue is pregnancy related or not, we should be seen by an OB or someone who has more knowledge of OB care than a general physician.

I'm beyond unhappy with this place as a whole, now adding this stress and irritation doesn't make me feel any better about being here. And with some of the stories I've heard about having babies here from other people, I am worried that my birth experience is going to be one huge nightmare. Just not the happy and joyous feeling of pregnancy I remember from when I was pregnant with my other kids. Hopefully things will either get better or my birth experience at least won't be horrible. If so, they are going to have a lot to listen to from me, that's for sure.

Disney in Paris and marriage!

Every time I travel, if it's more than a couple hours worth of a trip, I end up getting sick. Though, this weekend, feeling icky and sick wasn't enough to keep me from having one of the best weekends of my life!!! Getting to go to Disney and to see the Eiffel Tower was an experience that I'd do again, even with the cold.

Now, before I jump in to how the weekend was for us, understand that this was a trip hosted by, partially paid for and organized by the chapel on base. Only 40 families were chosen to attend and we did NOT pay nearly as much as we would have paid to do it on our own. That was the reason we wanted to go. Something to do for little money. Anyway, part of going was attending marriage seminars (very short ones that in no way interfered with our getting to experience everything we were supposed to) that were definitely informational and funny!

So, Friday morning we arrive at the chapel to sign in and get going. There was a mini seminar before taking off and by 10am we were well on our way! The bus ride was pretty smooth and the kids did great! We stopped for lunch in France somewhere, and let me say, the food was pretty good. I just had the chicken and potatoes while Fil and the kids ate pretty light. Then, around 4 we arrived at the hotel. And, I must say, I was slightly surprised at where we were staying after paying such a little amount.

That evening we had another seminar after having dinner. Luckily, the speaker was funny and the way he passed on the message, it wasn't something that made it a pain to have to do.

Saturday morning we had breakfast and then a short seminar before starting our day! It was so exciting going to Disney with the family! Though it was crazy crowded and lines were stupid long, we had a great time! Kids enjoyed seeing all the characters they got to see and Darien seemed to especially love the crepes! Yes, instead of selling funnel cakes at the stands, they were selling crepes.

And, something I really need to get used to is that Europeons don't wait around for you to decide what you're doing. They are fast-paced and let nothing get in their way. It seems a bit rude to us Americans, but it's just their way. So, lots of that in this very crowded park. Thankfully there were no trampled kids and everyone had a wonderful time. We did, however, lose our backpack that had some changes of clothes, diapers and other little items we'd taken with us. Thankfully the important stuff was in my purse so nothing of true worth/value was lost. It was all-in-all one the of best days for us as a family!

Then, Sunday was just as awesome! We had another short seminar in the morning after breakfast then were on our way to downtown Paris!

We decided to go see the Eiffel Tower (we had the option of that or the Louvre).

We made it a pretty chill day so we didn't go far from the tower. We hit up a small place for lunch nearby and did light shopping and rest the rest of the time. It was GREAT! Though, next time we go to Paris, not so much chill-ness will be had. There is so much I want to see and there just wasn't enough time this trip. Though, we wanted to see the Eiffel Tower and we got to see that, so either way it was well worth it!

Overall, especially for what we paid, this was just an amazing trip! Between the chapel paying for a portion and the husbands group paying a portion and us paying just what was left, this trip basically cost us hardly a thing. We were able to spend money and enjoy our time there rather than pinching because of how much it cost to get there. That really was a great thing for us!

Plus, the marriage seminars were actually informational and helpful. We learned quite a bit that we both are hoping to incorporate into our marriage and life. Plus, the speaker was making jokes and really just put the message out there in a way that was easy to understand and fun at the same time. It wasn't someone preaching at us or making us feel like bad people for having done things the way we have, just gave tips and ideas of how to make things better. All the while explaining why marriage is the way it is. Good stuff!

The kids also were so well behaved. I was worried with all the traveling to get there that we'd have cranky kids. Or because of being so busy all weekend that they'd get irritated and act out. We had hardly any issues at all. Adrien had a few times that he became fussy but mostly it was after being outside, stuck in a stroller and/or hungry. Other than that, they were fantastic and had a great time!

Fil and I also got to have dinner with other adults and no children. It was a nice evening out. Though, with that dinner, and throughout the entire weekend, I learned some pretty useful things that I need to remember next time we travel...

1. I get sick so medicines are necessary to take with us
2. I am such a picky eater that I really need to take more foods that can substitute meals
3. Some places, even when THEY realize they've messed up your food, you don't get new food, they only apologize for it.
3. I do not like king prawns
4. I do like fish
5. Big Mac's in Europe are made much neater than in the US, though I think I prefer a sloppy big mac.
6. Marriage takes work, but taking vacations together makes you see what you've missed the rest of the time.
7. My husband and children really are the most awesome people I know and I can't wait for our next vacation!!!

What a week, soon to end with Euro Disney!

What a week and it's only Wednesday. We've had the sickness running through here again, one by one getting us all. It started Friday night and Saturday with Adrien, Sunday night and Monday with me and today Darien has something going on. Thankfully Adrien and I only had some 24-hr bug or something, but Darien has a fever that is coming and going without meds. He is fighting something off, and hopefully his body wins the battle.

This weekend we are heading to Paris! We are going to Euro Disney on Saturday and getting a choice between the Eiffel Tower or the Louvre on Sunday. It's too bad we can't be there longer to really just see it all but there are definitely plans to return to Paris and to make it a couple of days worth of trip! I just can't wait to see what Euro Disney is all about and experience this with our family.

Darien is super excited. He tries to play it off like he doesn't care if he goes or not, but the expressions and questions are all it takes to show how much he can't wait until we get in the car and finally say we are on our way! I should him the website for Disney and his face just lit up, brighter than Christmas. He even asks us every time we get in the car if we are going there yet. We've started showing him on the calendar and he's grasping more that we still have another whole day at home first. But it's awesome that he's getting so excited and doesn't have any clue what is in store!

Adrien still just doesn't understand it. He knows we are going somewhere and will ask about it, but not as exciting for him just yet. Though, I am sure once we get there he will be like a kid in a toy store! I can't wait to see his face light up the way Darien's did when he saw the pictures. I really just can't wait to see both of their faces when we actually get there and they don't know what to do! It's going to be amazing.

I will definitely be taking lots of pics and posting some when we get back. This will be our first real trip and I am excited to share it! Watch out for it next week!!!

A Family Date

We go out often, having dinner or taking kids somewhere to play. Though, we have never actually taken them to the movies. I've taken Darien before, but never both boys and never as a family. I always worried that they wouldn't be able to sit still or make too much noise, even in a movie that was expected to have kids. That, and movies have always been linked to dates for adults, so they were what we did when we went out without the kids.

Tonight, however, we took them. It was great! We enjoyed having dinner before and then they sat and were quiet for the most part! I mean, expecting a 2 year old to sit quietly for that long is just a crazy expectation, but Adrien did very well! I was impressed by them both! Something we will definitely be doing again!

It's only Tuesday and it's already been an up and down kind of week for me. Today was really just a great day! And ending it with a wonderful family date was just awesome! I love my boys, all (soon to be) 4 of them :)

and Yes, since I haven't mentioned it here yet, there ya go!!! We are having another boy!!! I will be honest and say that I was a little disappointed when we first found out but I am super excited to be adding another precious boy! My boys have been such a blessing in my life and I think 3 of them will just overflow my blessings :) Plus, God has his plans for these boys and for making me their mother so I am more than thrilled :)

Ok, back to life!

Getting back to ME!

I've always put my family, mainly my kids, before anyone, including myself. I make sure their needs are met and try to meet as many of their wants as I can. I help others when I can, always making myself available to those who may need something. Know what happens when you do that too much? You start to lose yourself. I lost myself, and am on the road to finding ME again.

For those who don't know, I had a sort of mental breakdown. I spent the weekend in the hospital, by choice. The stress level had been unbearable and I finally just broke. Between the kids, other personal things, the pregnancy and just letting myself stress over all of it, I needed to just get away from it all, one way or the other. The hospital seemed to be the best option.

After a weekend there, talking to 3 different doctors and missing my family, I was able to come home. No official diagnosis yet but the general belief seems to be that I may be bipolar. This doesn't surprise me at all. Though, it is hard to deal with the fact that I may now have this label that portrays only half of the disorder on television.

The people we watch on tv who are bipolar are the extreme cases. I wouldn't be considered extreme, in fact, I'd only be considered mildly bipolar, or bipolar II. I don't get so excited and crazy right before a depression, I tend more to make major life choices or have bursts of energy that allow me to clean nonstop before having a depression. So, not horribly bad, just can cause for instability of moods and decisions.

After looking back and seeing how this has affected my marriage, I must admit that I have one crazy, but AMAZINGLY STRONG husband to stand by me through everything. Even when I was ready to walk out on him he stood by me and has always stood by me. I am pretty sure God knew what he was doing when he put this man in my life. I can't be anymore thankful for him, our children, or my closest friends.

For my husband and those friends who have helped get me through this last 2 weeks, THANK YOU. It stinks that it happened but I am glad to know who really are the real friends and who aren't. I've even been lucky to find a few people I'd ignored as friends before who really came through when I needed them, as well as had people disappoint me who I believed to be better friends.

I know that things are going to be challenging for some time, especially since I am unable to take medication. But I believe that with the support of my husband, family and closest friends, I can get through anything!