Love is a Choice

Being divorced, I do understand the argument to leave a marriage due to a lack of love.  I left my first marriage partly due to that reason.  I didn't love him the way I should as a wife, at least that was what I told myself.

So, when I felt the same way about my husband, it seemed only sensible to end things.  I mean, marriage can't survive without love, right?  And if I don't love him, why bother?  If I don't love him the way a wife should, then it wouldn't be fair to either of us to keep going in a "loveless" marriage.  

But, after some thought and prayer, we decided to keep fighting for our marriage, no matter what.

Over the last couple of years I have learned a few things.  First, my marriage has definitely been through some "loveless" times.  Second, there were times that the lack of love was one-sided, meaning only one of us was not loving the other.  Third, love is a choice.  Fourth, love is an action.

Now, what I mean by love is a choice but it is also an action is that we have to CHOOSE to love.  When you are choosing to do something, you are taking action!  When we love, we are taking action! 

The "loveless" times in my own marriage were during times action wasn't being taken, when there was no love being shown.  There were times we were both not loving, and there were times it was just one of us.  But either way, we were choosing not to love each other in those times.  We didn't feel like there was love because we were not providing any.  

The day I got married, I really wasn't sure we'd last long.  Honestly, I didn't marry for love.  I married because I was pregnant and was afraid of doing it on my own.  I mean, I thought I loved him, but I didn't marry him thinking that love would last forever.  So, how did we make it to more than 8 years and 5 children?  Well, we CHOOSE to love each other.  And honestly, I thank God every day for allowing me to love such an amazing man!

It is easy to say love is involuntary, and there are times it really can be.  But when you spend years with someone, things can become "normal" and boring.  It can feel like the love is gone because you get caught up in the day to day and stop focusing on the love you had, thinking it would always just be there.  This is where many couples decide to separate because they think they just "grew apart" or "fell out of love".  Though, I argue that they stopped making a choice to love.

If you wake up every day, doing the same thing (or close to), day after day and year after year, it can get boring.  And it is like that in relationships.  Couples really do need to make a choice to keep that love alive, and to keep lighting the fire they felt early on.  Fires only die if we don't feed them, or feed them the wrong thing.  Marriage is the same way.

I choose, daily, to love my husband.  I choose to uphold the vows I took the day I married him.  I choose the action of love.  I choose not to allow the hard times to come between us.  I choose to make each day different than the last.  I choose to be a wife worthy of his love.  I CHOOSE my husband over everything else.  I make these choices even on days I don't really feel like it, because THAT is what REAL love is, a choice.

I choose to love him every day, even when he is unlovable, because that was the promise I made to him and to God when I married him!

What a reTREAT!

What an AWESOME, AWESOME experience!  This was my first ever women's retreat, and I am so very glad that I went!  I can't even begin to describe the blessings that seemed to just pour out, for many, in the less than 24 hours we were together!  How amazing God is!

Eat, Pray, Love.  The lessons we learned about each of those topics were just great!  Our speaker, Stephanie Edge, talked about what each of them meant to our spiritual walk with Christ, and how to fulfill them with His word!  

Just like we eat food to stay alive, we need to be in God's word to be alive.  Though, many fail to truly study the Bible.  I am personally guilty of this, as I had many excuses not to be studying it.  I don't have enough time, I don't know how, and I can't make it interesting were my excuses... and there are others that are regularly used.  

However, learning the reasons we should study the Bible makes it even more important for me to truly begin and to take it seriously.  Technically I am still a new Christian.  I am still just learning and growing.  But, I want to have spiritual maturity and effectiveness someday too.  Plus, as our speaker said, it is also important to be in the word for spiritual warfare, because as Christians, that is a real fight that we are going to face.  Plus, the ultimate goal to feed others.  I can't do that if I do not know what food to offer them!

Prayer, our conversations with God.  This is still new to me as well.  I am learning how to pray, and learning how to effectively communicate with my Lord and Savior.  Part of the message was that prayer transforms our lives.  And I am quite a testimony to that truth.  Since I started becoming more purposeful in my prayer, and focusing on what blessings I already have and what I can do to bless others, I have found a complete change in my attitude and desires.  I do still struggle with being materialistic, but it's shifting, and that is something amazing!  

Lately I have found myself praying in the shower.  It really is one of the few times I am truly alone and able to have that quite time to focus on God.  I am completely vulnerable and feel that in that vulnerability is when I have the most honest intentions in my prayers.  One thing I have noticed is that I don't tend to pray for things for myself, I thank Him and ask that He use me to bless others.  I also tend to pray for people, especially those who have hurt me in some way.  And I have found some great freedom in that.

Love.  The one area that we all know how to do but often hold back from doing.  There are many reasons why people find it hard to show love, though the main one for me is not feeling appreciated.  I struggle with this more than anything.  I honestly love to love people.  I try to pour my love out to others.  But when I do not feel it is appreciated, or wanted, I tend to withdraw and stop showing any love to anyone.  But after this retreat and really discussing this topic, I want to find more ways to pour my love out to others, and not just to people I know, because God would!

One thing we were asked to do was to make a commitment to something new.  I have made the commitment to attend a women's Bible study at church that I signed up for a while ago and have never gone.  I really have had zero good reasons not to go, only excuses.  No more excuses, I WILL be attending!  The other is begin affirmation jars for Darien and Adrien.  They are growing up and need to be told how amazing they are, and we tend to get caught up and not remind them enough.  With affirmation jars, they can always be reminded of how amazing they are and by our words that are permanently written!  

This weekend was really just amazing!  Even the sermon at church was amazing!  God definitely reached out this weekend and has touched my soul in a great way!

God's Love is Why I Share!

I was asked why I share so much about my life.  Well, that isn't exactly a question that has a simple answer.  I've always been a pretty open person, though my avenue and way of sharing has definitely changed.  I don't like to hide who I am, nor do I feel I should.  By sharing all of the good, bad and ugly of my life, and then sharing the lessons I've learned from it all, I feel is part of what I've been called to do.

I am a firm believer that God calls us all to use our experiences and circumstances to help other who may face the same, or similar, in their lives.  I don't think that my past is going to go to waste because it can be shared to show others the dangers of those choices.  It can also be used to show just how amazing God's mercy, grace, and forgiveness truly is!  Why wouldn't I want to share that with the world?

I know at least a few people that believe I should stay quiet about my past.  They think I should fear the way people will think of me when they know things I've done or gone through.  But really, I just don't.  I used to.  I used to worry that if I shared my past with a Christian that I would be condemned by them because of my choices.  I feared that I would never have friends that were truly followers of Christ because they wouldn't understand my history or who I am now.  I honestly thought that the kind of people I needed as influence in my life were completely out of my league.  But what I have found is that any true follower of Christ won't judge my past, and they won't think any less of me because of my less than perfect history.  Because more often than not, they have a less than perfect history too.

I've found that my sharing has led me to some of the greatest women God has ever put in my life.  Through my honesty and openness, I've really formed bonds with the kind women that I only ever imagined having friendships with.  I've formed relationships with true Christ followers who accept me and my past, and encourage my future!  And, my past doesn't matter.  Even to those who haven't ever been through anything like I have, it just doesn't matter.  Why?  Because like Christ, they have love and acceptance of others!

But the biggest and most important reason for me to share is answered by a message I received from someone that read my story and has followed my blog ever since.  I am not sure how she was first introduced to my blog, and I do not ask a lot of questions.  She is someone I can tell just by her writing that she truly struggles with some demons that are similar to my own.  But her message was so encouraging and eye opening that I will never stop sharing my experiences.

A short portion of her email read:  "you have been such a good influence on me. i have finally opened up to someone i trust about things that happened to me. it was so hard but i am so glad i did it. if it wasn't for reading your blogs and seeing how honest you are, i may have never told anyone. and now i feel like i can take more control to keep making changes, because my life is really hard right now"

There was so much more said than that, but that was enough to encourage me to keep going!  I know that my story won't change anyone's life over night, but even that small change in someone's life is a huge victory!  I am so blessed to have my story to share, even if it is ugly in a lot of parts.  I am blessed to have a loving Savior that forgave me and continues to love me no matter what.  I am blessed to have people who support me, accept me, and love me through all of my brokenness!  And I want to share my blessings with the world!  

That, my friends, is why I share the ugliness of my life!  But look past that and see the beauty that is being created now!  Because God is AMAZING!

Dangerous, Inappropriate Relationships

At a very early age, I learned that I got a long better with males than I ever did with females.  Though, in recent years, I have learned it was because they made me feel good and females didn't.  But, until learning that, I held on to relationships with guys, even when I really should have let go.

For so many years I had these relationships with guys, and often kept guy friends, no matter what relationship situation I was in.  Even after marriage, I held on to these relationships and defended them as innocent, simple friendships.  I couldn't understand why my husband was getting so upset that I would talk to these men that I was "just friends" with.  It used to drive me bananas to feel like he was being ridiculous and over thinking something that was nothing.  And I got nothing short of ticked off when he would act like I was doing something wrong.

What was I doing so wrong?  I was just talking to friends about things that I was struggling with.  Trying to get a male perspective on the issues in my marriage.  It was innocent and there was no reason for my husband to act that way.  So, I fully believed he was the one with a problem, not me.

So, how did I come to realize that those relationships WERE harmful?  Well, I started to learn to little by little as some of those friendships began to turn into something else.  But, I still denied it and defended it.  The real wake up call was getting raped by one of those friends.

Some will argue that rape is different, because it wasn't me doing something wrong.  However, it was exactly because I was doing something wrong that allowed the situation to happen at all.  Now, a woman walking down the street and being raped by an unknown man is one thing... but I was raped by a man I called a friend.  Someone I allowed into my most intimate relationship, someone I had an inappropriate relationship with.

I thought that because he was a church-going, Christian man, and because I knew his wife just as well, that we were safe being friends.  Heck, even my husband believed it was safe.  I mean, this one WAS different.  We'd known each other for years, he was a Godly man, he was married, all four of us were close, and with all of that, how could it be wrong that him and I were close?

I would talk to him about my marriage.  He knew the struggles we had gone through in the past.  He knew that I was realizing my sexual addiction and trying to overcome it.  He knew I had an affair before.  He knew alcohol was a weakness.  He knew these intimate details of my life and my marriage that he really shouldn't have known, because I told him since he was a friend.

So, knowing these things about me and my marriage, and knowing I was in a vulnerable state after being without my husband for over a month, he felt that after I had enough to drink, he would help himself.  You can read my story at:

http://t-overthinker.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-am-not-rape-victim-i-am-rape-survivor.html

While I know I still didn't deserve what happened to me, I am fully aware that my own actions led to that event.  What I allowed in my friendships contributed to that event.  By allowing a man that was not my husband to have an intimate friendship with me, I sent signals that made him believe what he did was okay.  I opened a door that I should have closed and locked.  I know that it doesn't matter what I did, no woman deserves that to happen to her, but I am also very aware that it wouldn't have happened had I stopped crossing the boundaries and having and inappropriate friendship with a man that was not my husband.

I am writing about this for a couple reasons.  One is because I see it happen all too often in marriages, and people just don't seem to truly comprehend where their actions could eventually lead them.  And most likely, very few will experience what we did.  Though, the pain and resentments that happen are still just as real.  And I truly hope that my story shows just how far it really can go if you are not careful to watch your boundaries.

Because of what happened to me, I no longer have close friendships with men.  I am friendly, and do have male friends, but I do not have conversations with them about my marriage.  I do not sit and chat with them like I would my girl friends.  I no longer allow myself to have a one-on-one relationship with any man that is not my husband.  We have some couples that we are friends with, but you will never find me close with the male spouse like I was before. And it simply boils down to the fact that it is wrong to do so and has the potential to lead to very dangerous territory.

There is such a fine line that makes a friendship inappropriate that I no longer leave room for any questions.  I feel that if there is room for questions, I am probably already crossing a boundary, and rather than risking it, I just avoid it.  I instead now turn to my CR group or church leadership if I need to discuss my difficulties with my life and marriage.  I rarely even speak to my female friends about it anymore, because I would rather be over cautious than risking allowing Satan back into my marriage!  And if I am watching my actions, ensuring boundaries are not crossed, Satan has very little room to move in and God keeps His place as head of the marriage!  And that has created a much better marriage than I've ever had before!

Spiritual Maturity

The things I am learning about spiritual maturity is that not every person matures at the same rate, plus it may mean different things to different people. While the ideal of maturity is similar across the board, spiritual maturity can be extremely different from person to person. That is one of the most fascinating things about it!

For me, I find that my spiritual maturity this far has shown me boundaries I have to set for myself. Whether it be music, TV shows, movies, etc... I really have to limit what allow in my mind. This maturity has shown me that Christian music is about all I want to listen to anymore. I do have songs I like, and are not bad, that are not Christian songs, but they are not on my normal rotation of music anymore. I just prefer not to have that crack in the door, possibly allowing the bad stuff to creep in.

But there are many who feel that their spiritual maturity is about being able to listen to secular music without many issues. And for those who can listen to it without it affecting their spiritual walk, awesome for them! I don't find myself even drawn to that kind of maturity.  I personally like that the music I choose fills my mind, heart and ears with the Lord through every song! 

Same with TV shows and movies. Now, I am still working on taming my choices. But if you saw the shows I watched 2 years ago compared to now, you would see a HUGE difference. I choose not to fill my mind with the things that put a definite hindrance on my relationship with Christ, which is what I feel shows my maturity.

This also includes other areas, like how we dress, friends we keep, things we spend our time doing and even how you respond to situations.  Everyone may have a different opinion about what makes them spiritually mature in those areas.  It is such an individual definition, and I love how I can be among people who I believe are spiritually maturing and we are all still very different! 

I know that my personal journey requires a much more definitive line drawn in certain areas than other people may require. My struggles are different and the effects of outside influences are different in my life than the next person. And, that is alright. Just because our struggles, journey, and lines drawn are different does not mean one is more mature than the other, it just means that our maturity means something different.

First Testimony Shared!!!

Oh wow!  Talk about amazing healing!  I got to have a new experience for the first time this weekend, and how blessed I was to have that opportunity!  I gave my testimony for the first time ever!!!

I don't like to think my life has been horrible, but I have experienced some pretty horrible things.  I've done horrible things.  I've seen horrible things.  But I can see now that all of those horrible things have led to today, and that isn't at all horrible.

I wanted to share my story for a while now.  I had imagined myself sharing it, and imagined it being a blessing to someone else.  I never realized what a blessing it would be to ME.  But it surely was a blessing, and I really can't even describe how.

I know that getting it out there was part of it.  Just sharing it, knowing that I am no longer "hiding" myself from people.  Knowing that I am finally fully transparent and getting a better look at just how much God really has done in my life.  Those are part of the blessing.  But there is so much more, and I wish I could put it into words.

And, after I was almost embarrassed at the attention it got me.  Everyone telling me how great I was and how inspiring I was for sharing.  I felt like I was receiving the credit, where I truly deserve none.  God is the reason I was up there, God gave me the words, and God has gotten me to this moment.  It is God who did GREAT, and God who is inspiring!!!

Though, there was one compliment I received that touched me more than any others.  I was thanked for being so open and honest.  The person told me that they've always had a knack for being able to feel the honesty, and that they felt like I was one of the most honest people they'd ever heard give a testimony.  That the pure honesty was what moved them, not my words and not my experiences alone, but the honesty of pouring them out.  And truthfully, that is the one statement that meant the most to me.

I do want my story to inspire people, to move them in some way.  I want people to see how amazing God really is and to see His love shine through what He's done in my life.  I was blessed to be able to share it with a great group of people who were extremely supportive and encouraging, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for it next!!!

Me, It's Who I am!

What kind of stuff do you post to Facebook?  Are you a rare poster, casual poster, o a "let me tell you every detail of my life" poster?  Well, I think I fall closer to that last one.  I post A LOT, and sometimes I post things people may not even want to know.  Know what I say?  Get over it!

Being in the military, I've made friends that are now spread all over the world.  For me, that means a lot of people that I would love to talk to but can't due to time differences or just lives getting too busy for one or the other.  So, the compromise is Facebook in order to keep in touch.  So, I share a lot because it's easier to post things once for everyone to read than to try and talk to so many different people in different parts of the world.

Sometimes I post things that are my opinion or belief.  I don't expect everyone to agree, I only expect some respect for my opinions.  I try my best to respect the opinions of others, so I do think that should be returned to me.  There are times that drama has ensued over something I post.  Most times, I can't exactly help that it happens.  There are many people who feel the need to argue and go back and forth with their opinions.  However, I don't have the intention of creating drama when I post things.  And honestly, I would rather people not comment at all than to have that madness unfold.

I also post some general statements from time to time when something bothers me, or if someone sparks a feeling to do so.  Apparently people feel as if I do this to make direct hits at people.  I don't intend that at all.  A direct hit would involve me calling a person by name.  However, I never do that.  And I would be more likely to go to that person privately than to call them out publicly like that.  But if something happens, I may post a general statement about how I feel about it.  I really can't help if someone feels guilty or takes it personally.  I figure, if that happens, then maybe you should consider why it is you feel that way.  If you think it's about you, when most likely it isn't, but why do you feel guilty?  Maybe it isn't so much about what I posted, it's about what you did to feel guilty about it.

I have no trouble speaking my mind.  And honestly, this gets me in trouble sometimes.  But, its part of who I am, and part of the honesty that I hold dear to me.  Some people don't get it.  Some people think that speaking my mind is drama starting or attention seeking.  And if that is what you wanna label it, then so be it.  I don't see it that way, and let me explain...

If I post about having a bad day, being upset or whatever, I am normally posting because I need to vent.  I need an outlet, and Facebook has been a good one for me.  There are times that I am posting in need of support of my friends and family.  So, if that means I am creating drama or seeking attention, then I guess I will just have to live with that.  Because there are times I won't reach out to a particular person, but I will post in hopes that someone will reach out to me.  And who hasn't needed that at some point in their life?  I just know I do, admit it and am willing to seek it even if I won't directly reach out. 

Plus, me sharing my life with the world is part of my own healing.  I've come a long way in healing the struggles in my life.  And I did that by sharing my life with the public.  By opening up, putting my "dirty laundry" out for everyone to see.  To admit that I have faults and problems, but to show that I am facing them and owning up to them.  To be able to move past that junk and live a better, healthier life.  I don't care who knows my dirty laundry.  Know why?  Because I am a human sinner just like every other person alive, I just have the courage and desire to admit it and get through it, not to hide from it and worry who might judge me.  By writing it, I get it out.  By posting it, I am held accountable for how I continue to live.  That is what I need.

And honestly, life is just full of drama.  The only way to avoid drama all together is to be a hermit.  And I refuse to live that way.  I like people.  I like to be social and share my life with people.  I like to be there for others, to help people and to be part of something outside of my four walls.  So, if I have to deal with some drama in order to have all that, I will.  I don't want to hide from life, I want to live it!  

I've said before... I know who I am, and I love who I am... so if you don't, its okay to admit that.  It's okay to say that you can't handle, or that you don't agree with, the type of person I am.  I know that not everyone is going to like me, and I am okay with that.   I am an open book.  What you see is what you get.  I don't put on a false persona, I don't try to act like something I'm not.  So, you should know pretty quickly if you are going to like me or not.  But for just in case, here is some of who I am:

I am dramatic.  I am sensitive.  I am hormonal.  I am easily hurt.  I am easily angered/frustrated.  I am a woman who over thinks things, worries about everything, thinks the worst in a lot of situations, and tends to over react to the dumbest stuff.

BUT... I am loving, supportive, helpful, I love to be there for others, I want to do good things for people around me, I love to please and take care of people.  I can be your best friend.  I try to do every thing I can for people I care about.  

All of that is just a part of who I am.  It can make for some dramatic stuff at times.  But I am okay with that, and hopefully my friends are too.

Celebrate!!!

So here we are... almost a year since we got back to the U.S. from Germany, and things are going pretty great.  Now, don't let that fool you, we still struggle.  We still have bad days.  We still fight.  And I am not sure about him, but I still have to ask God for the strength and courage to forgive from time to time.

Forgiveness is a process.  One that people don't realize takes so much time and thought to do.  There are times that out of nowhere my mind starts replaying images or words that hurt me.  I know now that those images and thoughts are Satan's doing, trying to undo everything God has worked so hard on in my life.   And, it doesn't matter what I am doing, where I am at, or how hard it is.  I stop and pray.  I ask for God to take the images and thoughts away and to continue to strengthen the forgiveness.

And really, that applies to EVERY situation where I am working on forgiving someone.  I wish it was as easy as saying "I forgive" and it be done, but it's not.  Which, now that I truly understand that, I am able to understand the process of others forgiving me.  But now that we are working on that forgiveness, we no longer hold the past as a way to hurt each other, we have our past as a reason to do better in the future!

In March we will celebrate our 8th anniversary.  And I plan to CELEBRATE it!  We have really worked hard to make it to where we are and we shouldn't take for granted any of it. 

Plus, we will have another reason to celebrate that day!  We will be baptized ON our anniversary.  I've been baptized as an adult, just a couple years ago, though I want this to not be just a statement for the life I want to live as a woman.  I want it to SCREAM my statement of the kind of life I want to live as his wife.  I've had to really grow to get to this point, and I know that it will just be another new beginning in our lives, especially in our marriage!

It has been a crazy 8 years with Filip, but an 8 years that I would never give up. I think we needed our trials to make us closer.  We needed to face those tough struggles to remind us of the important things, and to open our eyes to just how much God loves us.  So, I won't just celebrate the past 8 years, I will celebrate that we have many more years to come!!!

My Children, My Choice

I recently read a blog, one not even worth sharing, that degraded moms.  Basically saying that motherhood is average and not worth much.  It even went on to say that women like Beyonce should be looked up to because she has other people raise her children while she continues her career.  And quite frankly, that disgusts me and makes me worry for the young girls that may think she is right.  She said quite a lot about moms and how they give up greatness for kids and that they do not accomplish anything important with their lives because of their kids.

You know, before I was a mom, it was easy for me to judge the women who decided to bear children and stay home to raise them.  I didn't understand why women wanted to give up their lives to have kids, it didn't look like much fun.  It was something I didn't want and didn't understand why anyone did.  Plus, like this girl expressed, I felt it was what was expected, and I didn't want to do what I was expected to do.

So, when I first found out I was pregnant with Darien, I was sad because I felt like my life was about to end.  I couldn't help but to think of all the things I would miss out on now that there was a child in the picture.  How could I give up my life?

It wasn't immediate, but I did learn quickly that I was so immensely wrong in my thinking.  It began with the first smile, then the first coo and all the way through the first step.  I was simply amazed with the life I had created and couldn't wait to have another baby!  Being a mom DID change everything about my life, but in a way I never expected.

I started to realize that the truly important thing in life was to raise a generation that would keep our country going.  To raise a generation of amazing and loving young people that would run our schools, hospitals and even government offices.  After all, if no one had children, who would take over when we are too old, ill, or dead?

Another thing I realized, after working most of the first year and having Darien in daycare, was that I didn't want someone else raising my kids.  I wanted to raise them myself.  It was then that we decided, as a couple, that I would be a stay at home mom.  And it was the best decision I ever made.

I didn't have children because I was lonely.  I didn't have children to have someone to take care of me when I am old (though it would be nice).  I didn't have children to clean my house.  I didn't have children for any reason other than simply loving them and wanting them.  And there is no other reason necessary.

I could have chosen not to become a mom.  I could have chosen to work outside the home and chase dreams that were of very little importance.  I could have chosen to pay other people to raise my kids for me while I still chased selfishness (and I am not by any means calling women like Beyonce selfish).  I could have done anything else that I wanted to do.  But what I REALLY decided that I WANT to do is be a mom.

Now, some people may agree with the girl who wrote that horrid blog and believe that what I do is unimportant.  But remember, when you are old and don't have any children there to help you or care for you, it will be the rest of us moms' children who are handling your pay, health care and other things that you will be relying on.  So, deem me unimportant and pray that my children won't repay you with that sentiment later.

Honestly, I have to wonder why woman go to war with each other over these things?  Why are we quick to judge the other side without considering that maybe they truly enjoy where they are?  I think it's great that women choose not to have children and chase their dreams!  I think it's wonderful that women work outside the home to help provide for their family.  I think it's simply amazing that women make their own choices and do what they do no matter what others think of them.  I just think we could do that without trashing each other.  

His Love and Forgiveness!

Honesty.  Whew.  It's scary.

I've been writing about things that I've never told anyone.  Some of the things I never even told my closest friends.  And I am a little fearful of people changing their opinion of me or judging me, but it's honestly been very freeing to get it out.

Sharing these parts of me is far from easy.  And if I thought that I could heal and keep them to myself, I probably would.  However, I know that healing is about being honest about who I am, and these things are part of who I am.  Ugly or not, every part of my past has helped get me to where I am now, and I am blessed to be here.

One of the things I am really noticing is that I no longer think about my past and feel sorry for myself.  I don't want to sit around and have a pity party because life was difficult or because I made some extremely poor choices.  What I feel now is empathy for all those people out there who have gone through any of the things I have, or worse.  I don't want to cry for myself, I want to cry for others who haven't found the healing and love that I've found.

God is simply AMAZING.  My history is tarnished, my past is ugly and dark in many spots.  I treated myself and others like nothing more than objects and took advantage of the niceness of others.  Yet, God still accepts me and forgives me.  He doesn't see me for my past, He sees His child who needs love and discipline.  He sees that I am human and that I require forgiveness. 

God has changed my life.  I went from a broken young girl with no hope to a woman who now won't get out of my bed without hope, and I am being mended by His unfailing love!

Psalms 71: 5-8 says:

O Lord, you alone are my hope.

I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.

Yes, you have been with me from birth;

from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.

No wonder I am always praising you!

My life is an example to many,

because you have been my strength and protection.

That is why I can never stop praising you;

I declare your glory all day long.

My life only is what it is because of God!  I will praise His name for the rest of my days for that reason!!!