"She probably drinks too"

Imagine watching a very pregnant woman walk to her car, sit down in it and light up a cigarette. What are your immediate thoughts of this person? Probably along the lines of "what on earth is she thinking" or "white trash". At least, that is what I imagine most people would think. I'm sure many people think even worse things.

I know that if I wasn't that woman people have those thoughts about, I'd surely be the one on the other side thinking the same things. Yes, I am a very pregnant smoker. Though, when you read this, I hope you find understanding in my decision to continue smoking.

At the end of February 2006 I found out that I was pregnant. Until this point, I truly started to believe that children just were not in the cards for me. The pregnancy was pretty unexpected, and at the time, I wasn't even sure I wanted to have children. I was smoking close to 2 packs a day at the time. A lot.

I knew that quitting was the best option so I talked to the mid-wife that I saw at my appointments. She was very honest with me and told me that with as much as I smoked it wasn't a good option to quit cold turkey. It would be better to cut back and gradually quit. So, I made a plan. I cut down right away and was sure I didn't smoke more than 3/4 of a pack per day. I did this for the first few weeks. Then, I cut down to 1/2 pack. I eventually got to where I was down to 1-3 at most per day.

Everyone around me still smoked and it was really very hard to not smoke socially. I managed to keep my limits and that brought me to the end of the pregnancy. The doctors all warned me of pre-term labor, low birth weight and other birth defects that were possible due to my smoking. I didn't take the warnings lightly but it was just too hard to quit completely.

My first son was born, by induction, 5 days late at 8lbs 3oz. He was born healthy and happy. We had no health issues other than the normal illnesses and as of today still haven't had anything that could be directly linked to me smoking while pregnant. He's now 4 and is a perfectly healthy, happy, very active little boy!

Then, I get pregnant before he turned 1 with son #2. Since my smoking had increased again since having my first, I made the same kind of plan to cut back. By the end of the pregnancy, I was at the same place I was with the first. Smoking 1-3 a day. There were some days I had more, though rare. I tried very hard to keep it minimal.

In July 2008, I had baby #2. He was 3 days late and 8lbs 3oz. Born just as healthy as his brother and in the early months had about the same illnesses as his brother. Nothing that other babies weren't getting. The only thing I can say could possibly be related to my smoking is that he's had more ear infections than his brother. Though, from what I can tell, even with mother's who didn't smoke, the ear infections are just common among children and some have more than others.

But do you see the similarities? They were both late, both over 8lbs and both born perfectly healthy.

Now. In December 2009 I found out that I was pregnant again. This time, I was determined that I'd quit smoking. So, I decided that since I didn't smoke that much anyway, I'd just quit. Ha. I quit cold turkey and within days I regretted that choice. I lost the baby. While no doctor in their right mind will tell me that it was due to me quitting, I truly believe that it played a part in it. I feel like the quitting put so much stress on my body that it just couldn't handle that and the stress of being pregnant. So, the result was that the baby didn't survive.

When I found out I was pregnant this time, I never even considered the idea of quitting. After having 2 perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies while smoking then losing a baby after deciding to quit, it just didn't make sense to me to quit. I just made the same kind of plan to cut back and go on with things the same way I did with the first two.

Now, I know that when I walk out to smoke or when I am around people who don't understand, I get dirty looks and comments about it. I've heard it all. "It's not right", "it has too many risks" and the most recent "I bet she drinks too". I get that most people won't understand, especially if they don't talk to me, but to assume that because I happen to smoke a couple cigarettes a day that it automatically means I do other harmful things while pregnant is just awful.

I don't expect everyone to agree or understand my decision but hopefully anyone reading this will at least see that I haven't made the decision with total disregard to my child. I'd much rather be able to just give it up and be the large pregnant woman who doesn't do anything potentially harmful to my unborn child but what would you do if you'd had the same results I've had? Honestly?

This just shows that you really shouldn't judge someone based on one action. I eat fairly healthy, or at least try to. I don't drink, I don't load up on lots of sugar and I drink enough water to drown an elephant most days. I try to make sure I do everything else to ensure a very healthy and happy pregnancy and baby. And, so far this pregnancy has been as healthy as can be. The baby was actually measuring bigger than average at 20 weeks, and there's been no reason to believe he will be born anything other than healthy.

If you know me, you know that I am already in love with this child, just as much as I love my other children. I will continue to put up with the comments and looks because I know people just don't understand. Though, instead of assuming that I am this piece of white trash who probably also drinks, look past that and just pray my son is born just as healthy and happy as his brothers were!

We went on a date!

Hubby and I got to have a date last night! Yup, got to go to dinner all by ourselves and enjoy a quiet meal. Well, it wasn't really "quiet" but the noise was not from children. It was fantastic! It's things like dating that remind me why I fell for him, and sometimes we just need those reminders.

Everyday life happens. Kids need us, house needs to be cleaned, laundry needs to get washed and other things just have to get done. Most days, in my house anyway, there just isn't enough time in the day to get it all done. Plus, by the time my husband gets home, I am so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. Then, I remember that I have homework to do. It's just never ending sometimes.

With all the craziness day to day, it's easy to get lost in life and forget the great connection I had to my husband before kids. We get so busy that we forget each other at times and things start to get boring or even difficult between us. I'm sure anyone who has been married can agree that this happens to the best of us too.

Then, we things are getting rough and we both know we just need that break, we do what we can to get it. Asking people to take our kids is where we have the most trouble. Trust me, I love a good break but it's still hard to muscle up courage enough to ask someone to take them. I will do it, it just takes time to finally just blurt it out.

But once we are finally out and able to enjoy each other, it's great. I decided this time to ask some questions, things I may not have known about him, to have conversation that didn't revolve around work or kids. It was pretty interesting. I learned some new things about my husband and it was kinda nice. Not everything I learned was nice but I was able to hear about and see a side I hadn't seen of him. It was nice because it made me feel closer to him in a way that can't be described.

We really should do date nights more often. I'd love to go weekly but I just don't think we could afford it or find someone each week to take the boys. Heck, monthly would be great too. Just having that time with him would be fantastic for us. It helps relax us and really gets us connected to each other through more than our kids and home. I can't wait for our next date!!!

THAT guy!

After reading another blog, I just want to share something :)

Growing up, all I ever wanted was for someone to love me. Now, I know I had family who loved me, but that's not what I mean. I wanted a guy to love me, to accept me and to take care of me. I wanted a guy who would choose me before anything and would be there in way no one ever had been. I wanted to find THAT guy for me.

Well, looking for that guy put me in a lot of bad relationships and with guys who only wanted 1 thing from me. Not that I complained at the time, it was fun. I honestly believed that "giving it up" to these guys would eventually get me that guy who would be what I was looking for.

Ha. I wish I knew then what I know now. All the time I wasted on these guys who thought nothing more of me than another quickie or just another number. It's sad the things I allowed guys to do to me, or ways I let them treat me. And for what?

Well, over the last few years, I've come to realized "for what". I endured all that mess so that when I did finally find THAT guy, I would know it. Though, I found THAT guy a long time ago, it has taken me quite some time to fully see it. How did I miss it when now it seems so obvious?

THAT guy married me 5 years ago. It was less than a year since we'd met and we had just learned that we were pregnant with our son. So see, same old pattern of looking for love, even with him. Anyway, we were married and started our lives together, with a baby growing inside me.

In the 5 years we've been married, we've had 2 kids, 1 coming and 1 pregnancy loss. We've gone through some extremely rough times, even almost ended our marriage a couple of times. We've really gone through a lot together in 5 years. I guess that is what we can expect from marriage and sharing our lives with another person, lots of events and struggles.

Now, with all that we've been through, I look at him and can't imagine my life without him. We've made it through, what I HOPE are some of the toughest things we will have to face as a couple. Though, knowing we can get through what we've been through lets me know that as long as we stay strong and together, we can make it through anything.

Those moments when he kisses me when he just came home from a long day. Or just turns and tells me he loves me for no reason at all, just to let me know he does. The moments that he comes in the kitchen and wraps his arms around me, or just takes over cooking and tells me to go sit down and relax. The moments that he looks at me just to take a look and thinks I didn't see it. Those moments are the moments that help me realize that all of my choices, right or wrong, and all of the things I went through with guys before him are what led me to him. That and God led me to him and obviously put him in my life for a reason.

No, it's hasn't been easy but he's been the 1 and only person (aside from family) that has really 110% stood by me NO MATTER WHAT! Even in those times that he was upset with me, disappointed with me or just plain hurt by me, he still made sure to let me know that he was right there and loved me. That nothing I could do would make him feel any differently. That's REAL love! Now I just hope he feels the same love from me in return.

I finally have THAT guy! and he has my heart :)

The count-down begins!!!

Wow, 31 weeks pregnant ALREADY!!! This pregnancy sure has been going by very quickly, at least it seems so. I know time is about to slow down though, especially since I am getting so close! The end always seems to drag on since that it the most uncomfortable time. Though, I've been feeling really good the last couple weeks so I am still truckin right along!

He's definitely dropped, pretty low too. There is no other time of pregnancy (for me) that makes me pee THIS much, lol. I feel like I might as well just set up shop in the bathroom sometimes, but I love it still!

He isn't as much of a mover as the other two were. He seems pretty calm in there. Though, that probably just means he is going to be even more of a handful than I have already. Or, maybe he will just be a calm and lazy baby, who really knows. Either way, he will get tons of love and I will be ecstatic to have him!

I am counting down though. Once I reach 36 weeks, anything that is safe and could possibly start labor, I am doing it. I am praying that he comes on Sept 9th to keep the birthdays of our kids similar. My boys both have same month/day birthdays so it would be cool if this one did too. So, gotta get the party started and well on its way to help myself reach that goal! Though, God already has his birth date picked out so we will find out what it is when it's time!

I haven't quite reached the point of not wanting to be pregnant anymore, more that I am just ready to meet my handsome little man! I enjoy pregnancy, for the most part, especially when they are moving. So, just seeing him for that first time and cuddling him is what I am wanting more than anything.

So, 5 more weeks of trying to stay pregnant then off to trying to have a baby! I can't wait!!!

Great Parties end with cops :)

Adrien, my little guy, turned 3 this past week. We planned his party for Saturday, July 9th, since the weekend before was the holiday weekend. The party was FANTASTIC!!!

The turnout was amazing, so many friends for him to play with and for me to talk to! And since we did it at the park behind our apartment, the kids got to wear themselves out for a couple hours! By far the best birthday for either of my kids yet! The only things missing were our bestest friends and family who couldn't be here on account the ocean is in their way...

The kids got to play on the water slide, have cake, play with the cool goodies in their bags and eat candy!!! Of course, not until after a hot dog or hamburger first, hehe. Just all around a great time!

Since it was a Saturday and the kids were having so much fun, we hung out for hours. Before we knew it, it was 10pm. Now, I am not normally the parent that likes for my kids to be up that late, especially not outside playing. But, with it being for Adrien's birthday, the fact there were still other kids and parents out there, it just seemed like it would be alright.

Ha. Apparently we were disturbing some people. We had started to clean things up and start bringing everything home when 2 cops walked up. Someone had called in a noise complaint. Wonderful. A few 3-6 year olds playing outside warranted cops getting called.

Now, they were playing and having fun but they really weren't being THAT loud. At least not to me, anyway. There were a few times that one of the kids would scream, though not nearly as loudly as they could have been screaming, because they were playing "Ghost". I just didn't think they were really being all that loud.

Anyway, a report had to be made, including Adrien's name since it was HIS party. How awful is that??? A 3 year old just having a good birthday had to have his name included in a police report. I'm still not sure whether I find it funny or maddening.

I'm upset with the fact that whoever called didn't have enough respect for themselves, us or the kids to come out and simply ask us to keep it down. Chances are, if we'd realized they were disturbing people, we would have just came home right then and called it a night. But instead, someone had to be a prick and jump straight to calling police to come quiet down a handful of toddlers.

Ah well, guess it's a great story for him to have later. That the first party he had cops show up to was his 3rd birthday. It's a great one!

Scared Mommy

Having boys keeps me on my toes, and sometimes shaking. Today was one of those days that I have been on my toes and shaking through most of the day.

It started off as a pretty normal morning. We got up, had pancakes for breakfast and I started my daily chores. Then, I decided I'd start putting baby stuff together. I put the stroller and playpen together and started working on the swing.

My boys, being playful, wanted to play with the boxes. Fine with me because they were entertained and having fun! Darien was walking around with the box from the swing on his body when he tripped and fell face first into the ground.

Now, this kid has taken many HARD falls and hits to his head without being phased, so I didn't jump right up. He started to cry a little bit and stayed on the ground. I kept asking if he was alright but next thing I know his eyes are rolling and his tongue was hanging out of his mouth, his arms pulled up to his chest and his body shaking. Drool was coming out of his mouth, he wasn't responding to me at all. It even took him a little bit after this stopped for him to respond. I of course called the ambulance IMMEDIATELY.

They came out and he seemed okay but because I've NEVER seen him do that and he's had MANY falls, hard falls, with hitting his head and never had that happen, I was completely freaked out. This child has had unicorn sized knots on his head and maybe cried for a few minutes and was right back to his normal self. So, yeah, this had me worried.

The ride to the hospital was a little strange. He asked me a couple times where we were and had to wear my sun glasses because his eyes hurt. He just wasn't Darien. He was quiet and seemed really tired. Which of course added so much more worry. Once we got there, they checked him out and said he seemed to be acting pretty good under the circumstances.

The Dr was willing to do a CT if we wanted one though I do hate the risks of them on kids, so we opted for some monitoring and go from there. He checked out fine, no bleeding in his ears, eyes dilating normally, responding to commands and talking again. He was obviously tired, but still managed to stay awake to let the Dr examine him. We stayed there and they kept an eye on him for close to an hour and we were able to come home.

They do think it is probably a mild concussion, but even if they got the scan to see that, there isn't much they can really do about it. It would still be a matter of waiting and seeing how it goes. We were told if he was in any contact sports or physical activity that he shouldn't return to it without being cleared by Peds. Otherwise he was clear to resume normal daily activities and the Dr seemed pretty confident that he'd be okay.

Also, the likely reason that he had that sort of reaction when he's never had before is because of how he hit. Normally when he's fallen he hits the side of his head, around the temple. There is a little more protection in those areas, causing less direct force to the brain. Whereas this time he fell directly on his forehead, giving that direct force right to his brain. Makes sense to me and sounds like a justifiable reason for the episode he had. Didn't make it any less scary though.

Ever since we got home, he's been himself again! Though, every noise that sounded like throwing up or weird thing he did was making me worry. I don't think I've ever watched my child as closely as I have today. I'm still worried. Short of letting him sleep with us (which IS NOT going to happen), I am doing what I can to make sure he's still alright. He's my boy, I need to know that he's going to be fine!

It's scary being a mom. I love it more than anything but man, days like today really show you how much you worry when you are a parent. I don't think it's going to get any easier either. My boys are my life and thinking that anything has happened to them makes me freak. I'm really hoping it's a long while before we have another fall like that.

For now though, he seems just fine! I am sure he is, but any parent out there will understand the worry I feel. When we get up tomorrow, I am going to make us breakfast and take all these boxes OUTSIDE. I'm also going to just love on my boys and make sure they know how much they are loved!

Just moving right along

Well, life just keeps moving right along! We have 2 new family members, as of yesterday. Filip's sister had her twins, a boy and girl!!! Both healthy babies and everyone is doing well!

I'm now on the countdown to having my baby! I say after 9 more weeks this child can come whenever! I do enjoy being pregnant but I find myself being a lot more impatient this time. I love babies, especially my babies, so I am ready for it to be time and to get to hold my little prince!

I love my pregnant belly! I am going to miss it, just as I did after my boys were born, but I do love it! We are still undecided about having more, though the option will be left open for when we get back to the US.

School is going. I am in week 3 this week and so ready for it to be over. I am ready for a break again! I feel much more trapped in the house and unable to have quality family time being in classes. And I would love to enjoy the summer, or what we are getting, with my family.

It's been rainy and cool here. Not much of a summer just yet. I am thankful for that since I am pregnant and I'm not as uncomfortable as I could be in the heat. Though, I know the rain won't last forever, though it is Germany so it might, so I will soon be hot and icky.

Other than that, life is pretty boring around here. Adrien turns 3 in about 2 weeks, so we will have his party. I am also going on a Polish Pottery trip to Poland the weekend after his party! yup, pretty excited about that. Just going with the ladies so it should be a good trip!

Well, back to life I suppose. Hopefully the next update with be a really good one!

Just a few updates

Most people close enough to me know that I have been going to counseling lately. While some counselors have expressed that they believe I could be mildly bipolar, the lady I've been seeing doesn't feel that way. She believes that I am so used to a negative way of thinking that everything that happens is subject to my negative thinking patterns. Meaning, even something that could be viewed with the positive, I only see the negative and dwell on it, making it much worse than it is.

We've decided to go with the cognitive thinking therapy to help change my thinking patterns. There are many different ways of going about it, and I am willing to try them all. Recently, the biggest change is asking myself a list of questions when I start stressing or taking things personally. The questions are way to think through the entire situation and turn it into a positive or to at least prove that it isn't personal to me. This has helped immensely.

It can be difficult at time to remember to go over the questions, but they help. In the heat of the moment, I still have my moments and let things get to me more that I should, but when I get to those questions, it reminds me that I am over reacting and need to take a step back. I've noticed a small change in myself since starting with it and hope it continues to make changes in my habits and thinking patterns.

I am also going to start using "Guided Thinking" to help with sleep. I am going to download some stuff on itunes that should help relax me and also help with the positive thinking. Plus, if it can help me get to sleep, that would help because I wouldn't be as tired and cranky all the time!

So, small steps and small changes but definite improvement! I don't know if anyone else has noticed it, but at least I am feeling better! All I can do is take it one day at a time and pray that God even continues to work in me, making me better each day!

In other news, the hubby will be going to Vegas, lucky him. It's only for a week though, so hoping he doesn't have time for too much fun. Maybe one of these days we will be able to go together, and not on work time. So, a week for the kids and I to hang around and miss him. Thankfully, it is just a week.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant today!!! Only 14 weeks to go! I am starting to get very uncomfortable and feeling like I live in the bathroom again. He's got to stay in there at least another 10 weeks, but after that I'm hoping he won't want to stay in too long. I can't wait to see my baby BOY!!! Oh, and we have chosen a name...

JORDEN LUKAS

I am beyond excited!

Anyway... will post more updates soon!

Another class, added stress

Whelp, that was a much shorter break from school than I intended it to be. I am now getting enrolled in another class to avoid some unnecessary retardedness. Hopefully just one more class and I can be done with this school all together. I've had more stress and frustration dealing with these people than anything in my life.

I submitted my FAFSA form back in December. The financial adviser I had at the time didn't do a very good job of telling me what I needed to turn in, so it took until having a change of financial advisers to get this all done. Now, the new financial adviser has even slacked on giving me some information and it caused for some major confusion. Now, because I want to get my grant money for the 2010-2011 school year, I have to be actively in a class. So, even though I have already taken a full-time students course load for the year, I can't get the grant money unless I take another class. So, here I am trying to get into a class before it's too late. I want that money...

I am extremely frustrated because part of the issues I've had recently are that I had been putting too much on my plate and here I am adding the one thing I was able to cut out. I'm hoping that the next 5 weeks go by quickly and that it's plenty of time to get the grant money to me. Once I get that money and this class is over, I am totally done with this school. When I am ready to start classes again, after the baby is born of course, I will be finding a different school to attend. Just too much stress on me.

Other than that, life is good.

Weekend fun!

There is so much do around here with small kids, though we haven't really taken the time to explore those things. Yabadoo is an indoor play place for kids with like 5 or 6 different "bouncy houses", trampolines (with and without the harnesses), a volcano to climb up, swings and some other stuff for them to do. It's great for kids Darien and Adrien's ages, and even for bigger kids. If I weren't pregnant I'd be out there doing everything with them!

The first time we went was a few weeks ago and they had a blast. We decided to go back this weekend and make a day of it! We were there for about 3 hours and both kids were pouring sweat. Fil was soaking in it too. Honestly, it was quite disgusting. Though, very worth it to see all 3 of my boys having such a great time!

It's a little blurry but you can still see that HUGE smile on his face! I think he went on this thing 5 times, for 5-10 minutes each time. He LOVED it!

And of course, my jumper. He had so much fun just jumping into the balls. Though, this was after he had worn himself down by climbing the volcano and playing on all the other stuff!


Then on Sunday we decided to go to the pool. Well, the boys all decided we'd go to the pool. We weren't there too awful long but I am sure the boys had a pretty great time. Darien is starting to get a lot more comfortable in the water. Adrien is having his "don't let go of me" phase.

Aren't they awesome! Thats what I walked in to see when we were about to head out the door. I love my guys :)

After swimming we decided to come back and grill out at home. We made steak, chicken and shrimp kabobs. This was our first time ever making kabobs, and we don't grill out often, so an all new thing for us. It was fun to make the kabobs with Fil and just spend that time together. Plus, they didn't turn out too bad anyway. The steak was good, chicken was pretty good and the shrimp needed some work. But, it was good and the time we spent together is the best of it all!