"She probably drinks too"

Imagine watching a very pregnant woman walk to her car, sit down in it and light up a cigarette. What are your immediate thoughts of this person? Probably along the lines of "what on earth is she thinking" or "white trash". At least, that is what I imagine most people would think. I'm sure many people think even worse things.

I know that if I wasn't that woman people have those thoughts about, I'd surely be the one on the other side thinking the same things. Yes, I am a very pregnant smoker. Though, when you read this, I hope you find understanding in my decision to continue smoking.

At the end of February 2006 I found out that I was pregnant. Until this point, I truly started to believe that children just were not in the cards for me. The pregnancy was pretty unexpected, and at the time, I wasn't even sure I wanted to have children. I was smoking close to 2 packs a day at the time. A lot.

I knew that quitting was the best option so I talked to the mid-wife that I saw at my appointments. She was very honest with me and told me that with as much as I smoked it wasn't a good option to quit cold turkey. It would be better to cut back and gradually quit. So, I made a plan. I cut down right away and was sure I didn't smoke more than 3/4 of a pack per day. I did this for the first few weeks. Then, I cut down to 1/2 pack. I eventually got to where I was down to 1-3 at most per day.

Everyone around me still smoked and it was really very hard to not smoke socially. I managed to keep my limits and that brought me to the end of the pregnancy. The doctors all warned me of pre-term labor, low birth weight and other birth defects that were possible due to my smoking. I didn't take the warnings lightly but it was just too hard to quit completely.

My first son was born, by induction, 5 days late at 8lbs 3oz. He was born healthy and happy. We had no health issues other than the normal illnesses and as of today still haven't had anything that could be directly linked to me smoking while pregnant. He's now 4 and is a perfectly healthy, happy, very active little boy!

Then, I get pregnant before he turned 1 with son #2. Since my smoking had increased again since having my first, I made the same kind of plan to cut back. By the end of the pregnancy, I was at the same place I was with the first. Smoking 1-3 a day. There were some days I had more, though rare. I tried very hard to keep it minimal.

In July 2008, I had baby #2. He was 3 days late and 8lbs 3oz. Born just as healthy as his brother and in the early months had about the same illnesses as his brother. Nothing that other babies weren't getting. The only thing I can say could possibly be related to my smoking is that he's had more ear infections than his brother. Though, from what I can tell, even with mother's who didn't smoke, the ear infections are just common among children and some have more than others.

But do you see the similarities? They were both late, both over 8lbs and both born perfectly healthy.

Now. In December 2009 I found out that I was pregnant again. This time, I was determined that I'd quit smoking. So, I decided that since I didn't smoke that much anyway, I'd just quit. Ha. I quit cold turkey and within days I regretted that choice. I lost the baby. While no doctor in their right mind will tell me that it was due to me quitting, I truly believe that it played a part in it. I feel like the quitting put so much stress on my body that it just couldn't handle that and the stress of being pregnant. So, the result was that the baby didn't survive.

When I found out I was pregnant this time, I never even considered the idea of quitting. After having 2 perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies while smoking then losing a baby after deciding to quit, it just didn't make sense to me to quit. I just made the same kind of plan to cut back and go on with things the same way I did with the first two.

Now, I know that when I walk out to smoke or when I am around people who don't understand, I get dirty looks and comments about it. I've heard it all. "It's not right", "it has too many risks" and the most recent "I bet she drinks too". I get that most people won't understand, especially if they don't talk to me, but to assume that because I happen to smoke a couple cigarettes a day that it automatically means I do other harmful things while pregnant is just awful.

I don't expect everyone to agree or understand my decision but hopefully anyone reading this will at least see that I haven't made the decision with total disregard to my child. I'd much rather be able to just give it up and be the large pregnant woman who doesn't do anything potentially harmful to my unborn child but what would you do if you'd had the same results I've had? Honestly?

This just shows that you really shouldn't judge someone based on one action. I eat fairly healthy, or at least try to. I don't drink, I don't load up on lots of sugar and I drink enough water to drown an elephant most days. I try to make sure I do everything else to ensure a very healthy and happy pregnancy and baby. And, so far this pregnancy has been as healthy as can be. The baby was actually measuring bigger than average at 20 weeks, and there's been no reason to believe he will be born anything other than healthy.

If you know me, you know that I am already in love with this child, just as much as I love my other children. I will continue to put up with the comments and looks because I know people just don't understand. Though, instead of assuming that I am this piece of white trash who probably also drinks, look past that and just pray my son is born just as healthy and happy as his brothers were!