I recently read a blog, one not even worth sharing, that degraded moms. Basically saying that motherhood is average and not worth much. It even went on to say that women like Beyonce should be looked up to because she has other people raise her children while she continues her career. And quite frankly, that disgusts me and makes me worry for the young girls that may think she is right. She said quite a lot about moms and how they give up greatness for kids and that they do not accomplish anything important with their lives because of their kids.
You know, before I was a mom, it was easy for me to judge the women who decided to bear children and stay home to raise them. I didn't understand why women wanted to give up their lives to have kids, it didn't look like much fun. It was something I didn't want and didn't understand why anyone did. Plus, like this girl expressed, I felt it was what was expected, and I didn't want to do what I was expected to do.
So, when I first found out I was pregnant with Darien, I was sad because I felt like my life was about to end. I couldn't help but to think of all the things I would miss out on now that there was a child in the picture. How could I give up my life?
It wasn't immediate, but I did learn quickly that I was so immensely wrong in my thinking. It began with the first smile, then the first coo and all the way through the first step. I was simply amazed with the life I had created and couldn't wait to have another baby! Being a mom DID change everything about my life, but in a way I never expected.
I started to realize that the truly important thing in life was to raise a generation that would keep our country going. To raise a generation of amazing and loving young people that would run our schools, hospitals and even government offices. After all, if no one had children, who would take over when we are too old, ill, or dead?
Another thing I realized, after working most of the first year and having Darien in daycare, was that I didn't want someone else raising my kids. I wanted to raise them myself. It was then that we decided, as a couple, that I would be a stay at home mom. And it was the best decision I ever made.
I didn't have children because I was lonely. I didn't have children to have someone to take care of me when I am old (though it would be nice). I didn't have children to clean my house. I didn't have children for any reason other than simply loving them and wanting them. And there is no other reason necessary.
I could have chosen not to become a mom. I could have chosen to work outside the home and chase dreams that were of very little importance. I could have chosen to pay other people to raise my kids for me while I still chased selfishness (and I am not by any means calling women like Beyonce selfish). I could have done anything else that I wanted to do. But what I REALLY decided that I WANT to do is be a mom.
Now, some people may agree with the girl who wrote that horrid blog and believe that what I do is unimportant. But remember, when you are old and don't have any children there to help you or care for you, it will be the rest of us moms' children who are handling your pay, health care and other things that you will be relying on. So, deem me unimportant and pray that my children won't repay you with that sentiment later.
Honestly, I have to wonder why woman go to war with each other over these things? Why are we quick to judge the other side without considering that maybe they truly enjoy where they are? I think it's great that women choose not to have children and chase their dreams! I think it's wonderful that women work outside the home to help provide for their family. I think it's simply amazing that women make their own choices and do what they do no matter what others think of them. I just think we could do that without trashing each other.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
His Love and Forgiveness!
Honesty. Whew. It's scary.
I've been writing about things that I've never told anyone. Some of the things I never even told my closest friends. And I am a little fearful of people changing their opinion of me or judging me, but it's honestly been very freeing to get it out.
Sharing these parts of me is far from easy. And if I thought that I could heal and keep them to myself, I probably would. However, I know that healing is about being honest about who I am, and these things are part of who I am. Ugly or not, every part of my past has helped get me to where I am now, and I am blessed to be here.
One of the things I am really noticing is that I no longer think about my past and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to sit around and have a pity party because life was difficult or because I made some extremely poor choices. What I feel now is empathy for all those people out there who have gone through any of the things I have, or worse. I don't want to cry for myself, I want to cry for others who haven't found the healing and love that I've found.
God is simply AMAZING. My history is tarnished, my past is ugly and dark in many spots. I treated myself and others like nothing more than objects and took advantage of the niceness of others. Yet, God still accepts me and forgives me. He doesn't see me for my past, He sees His child who needs love and discipline. He sees that I am human and that I require forgiveness.
God has changed my life. I went from a broken young girl with no hope to a woman who now won't get out of my bed without hope, and I am being mended by His unfailing love!
Psalms 71: 5-8 says:
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I've been writing about things that I've never told anyone. Some of the things I never even told my closest friends. And I am a little fearful of people changing their opinion of me or judging me, but it's honestly been very freeing to get it out.
Sharing these parts of me is far from easy. And if I thought that I could heal and keep them to myself, I probably would. However, I know that healing is about being honest about who I am, and these things are part of who I am. Ugly or not, every part of my past has helped get me to where I am now, and I am blessed to be here.
One of the things I am really noticing is that I no longer think about my past and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to sit around and have a pity party because life was difficult or because I made some extremely poor choices. What I feel now is empathy for all those people out there who have gone through any of the things I have, or worse. I don't want to cry for myself, I want to cry for others who haven't found the healing and love that I've found.
God is simply AMAZING. My history is tarnished, my past is ugly and dark in many spots. I treated myself and others like nothing more than objects and took advantage of the niceness of others. Yet, God still accepts me and forgives me. He doesn't see me for my past, He sees His child who needs love and discipline. He sees that I am human and that I require forgiveness.
God has changed my life. I went from a broken young girl with no hope to a woman who now won't get out of my bed without hope, and I am being mended by His unfailing love!
Psalms 71: 5-8 says:
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!
My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and protection.
That is why I can never stop praising you;
I declare your glory all day long.
My life only is what it is because of God! I will praise His name for the rest of my days for that reason!!!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Limited Audience
After speaking to a couple people who will be discussed on my blogs, I have been asked to limit my audience for certain things. Though, because of the huge impact it had on my life, I still want to share it. I may not be able to share publicly, but I would like to share with anyone who is interested, just privately.
If you would like to read those posts, please send me your email address on Facebook or email me at
tpantovich69@gmail.com.
Please don't be afraid to send your email address! I really do want to share with those who want to read!
If you would like to read those posts, please send me your email address on Facebook or email me at
tpantovich69@gmail.com.
Please don't be afraid to send your email address! I really do want to share with those who want to read!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Past Coming Out
I've shared quite a bit about my personal life. I've shared about my addictions, my marriage and other very personal things that a lot of people wouldn't even share with close friends. Why? Well, because I believe I have something to offer to other people who may be in any number of the situations I've been in:
HOPE
My stories are proof that you can come from any situation and still smile and have purpose. Life doesn't end because something bad happens. If that were true, my life would have been over as a child. But, here I am to share about it and hopefully change the life of someone else. Even if it's only 1 person, it is worth sharing.
Just tonight my husband let me in on a little project he is working on for me. A project that I am scared to death of, but also very excited for! He is working on turning my blogs in ebook format to publish onto the different online book stores. How awesome (and terrifying) is that?!!
So, the responsibility I have now is to create a Preface for them. But I also feel like I am going to take a little time and go back to the beginning. Going back to the beginning is going to be a very difficult task for me, though I feel it will help anyone who happens to read my stories to understand a little more about where I came from, how it shaped who I was, and how it's shaping who I am becoming! Because everyone's past plays a role in who they are, and mine most certainly does.
So, in the coming weeks be prepared for some very ugly truths and crazy stories that will probably stir up a lot of emotion (at least for me). I definitely didn't have the worst childhood possible, but it was far from pretty. The past is ugly but it's coming out!
Though, I want to share about it and allow everyone who is interested to see what miracles God can work when we allow him to. Because I could have turned out a whole lot worse than I have, and the only reason for that is God!
This will also give a lot of ammunition for people to judge and have opinions. And that is okay. Just know that I have come to terms with the things in my past - good, bad, and ugly - so I hope everyone reading will do the same. Be on the lookout!
HOPE
My stories are proof that you can come from any situation and still smile and have purpose. Life doesn't end because something bad happens. If that were true, my life would have been over as a child. But, here I am to share about it and hopefully change the life of someone else. Even if it's only 1 person, it is worth sharing.
Just tonight my husband let me in on a little project he is working on for me. A project that I am scared to death of, but also very excited for! He is working on turning my blogs in ebook format to publish onto the different online book stores. How awesome (and terrifying) is that?!!
So, the responsibility I have now is to create a Preface for them. But I also feel like I am going to take a little time and go back to the beginning. Going back to the beginning is going to be a very difficult task for me, though I feel it will help anyone who happens to read my stories to understand a little more about where I came from, how it shaped who I was, and how it's shaping who I am becoming! Because everyone's past plays a role in who they are, and mine most certainly does.
So, in the coming weeks be prepared for some very ugly truths and crazy stories that will probably stir up a lot of emotion (at least for me). I definitely didn't have the worst childhood possible, but it was far from pretty. The past is ugly but it's coming out!
Though, I want to share about it and allow everyone who is interested to see what miracles God can work when we allow him to. Because I could have turned out a whole lot worse than I have, and the only reason for that is God!
This will also give a lot of ammunition for people to judge and have opinions. And that is okay. Just know that I have come to terms with the things in my past - good, bad, and ugly - so I hope everyone reading will do the same. Be on the lookout!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Desires vs Needs
de·sire
dəˈzī(ə)r/
noun
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
need (nd)
n.
A condition or situation in which something is required.
Necessity; obligation
It is so funny to me how people confuse these things. Shoot, I am guilty of it myself. But, it's important to understand the difference, especially for people like me.
I have an issue with addiction. My personality just allows for me to become addicted to things, and stupid things, like soda. I get so addicted to having it that I begin to feel like I "need" it. But do I really need it or do I just have a strong desire for it?
This also goes for my sexual addiction. For so many years I used to justify my actions by saying I had needs, that my body had needs. And for many years, I believed it myself. I felt that we were made as sexual beings so I was only serving the needs I was created to have. And if my needs weren't being met then I had every right to serve them in other ways. My sexual "needs" came before the other needs I had, and they also came before the needs of other people. And, this is where the problem was.
A lot of the problem was that I put those needs before the needs of my husband. I just argued that he wasn't meeting my needs so I didn't have to meet his. I would also argue that since he wasn't meeting them, I had the right to meet them myself. Because, you know, it was completely his fault that I was not being satisfied. He had a responsibility as my husband to meet my needs and he was failing, so he was to blame. So, any time I took care of my own needs it was his fault because I NEEDED it and that need wasn't being met.
Acts 20:35 - I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.
Now, how ignorant does that sound? To me, it sounds like a pretty weak argument. Does a person really NEED sex? Do I NEED to be sexually satisfied? Do I really NEED more than what my husband has to offer?
NO. The answer is simply No. I do not NEED anything more than what my husband has to offer. I do not NEED sex. All of that is a desire. I want it. I want to be sexually satisfied. But I don't NEED it. There is no necessity to sex other than procreation and pleasure between husband and wife. I didn't want to procreate so there was ZERO need for the desires I felt. I just desired it, and my desires tricked me. What I found that I need is God. That's it. When I find satisfaction in God, I find satisfaction in all avenues of life! It's not my husband's fault that I am not satisfied, it's my own.
I would also argue that we were made to be sexual beings. But that was all wrong too. We were created to be spiritual beings. And for a long time I confused my spirituality with my sexuality. I replaced spiritual fulfillment with sexual fulfillment. Instead of looking for the permanent, spiritual healing God could give me, I looked for a temporary fix in the physical form. Just like a drug addict would with his drug of choice. If I had just turned to the Bible instead of sex, I would have found fulfillment many years ago. And this is true for all forms of sexual fulfillment - porn, sex outside of marriage, and self fulfillment. Those things only give a temporary fix to something that has a permanent solution.
All sexual satisfaction is temporary. I have never found anyone that can say they were satisfied enough for a lifetime in just one sexual encounter. That desire begins to build back up the moment satisfaction is reached. It may not be desired again right away. But days, weeks, months down the road the desire will come back. That satisfaction, no matter how great it might be, is only temporary.
However, God's love and grace is satisfaction that can last a lifetime. It took me a while to really see this fact. I absolutely NEED God in my life. Over the past two years I have really learned a lot about myself, this addiction and how to continue my recovery! The only thing that has been consistent and reliable is God. The desires I once had for sexual fulfillment has turned into a NEED for spiritual fulfillment!
Psalms 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Don't get me wrong, just like any addict, I struggle. I won't deny that fact in the least. But I know now that I can't allow my desires to trick me into a quick fix. I may desire one thing, but what I NEED is completely different. And now that I have stopped confusing those two things, I have been in much better control of my addiction and have been able to turn to God when I feel my needs are elsewhere.
Philippians 4:19 - But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
I will always have desires. Everyone will always desire one thing or another. But I now DESIRE and NEED God's love and grace! I am comforted knowing that He will supply the things I truly NEED as long as I trust Him to do so! And that satisfaction is WAY better than any other satisfaction I've ever felt before in my life!!!
dəˈzī(ə)r/
noun
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
need (nd)
n.
A condition or situation in which something is required.
Necessity; obligation
It is so funny to me how people confuse these things. Shoot, I am guilty of it myself. But, it's important to understand the difference, especially for people like me.
I have an issue with addiction. My personality just allows for me to become addicted to things, and stupid things, like soda. I get so addicted to having it that I begin to feel like I "need" it. But do I really need it or do I just have a strong desire for it?
This also goes for my sexual addiction. For so many years I used to justify my actions by saying I had needs, that my body had needs. And for many years, I believed it myself. I felt that we were made as sexual beings so I was only serving the needs I was created to have. And if my needs weren't being met then I had every right to serve them in other ways. My sexual "needs" came before the other needs I had, and they also came before the needs of other people. And, this is where the problem was.
A lot of the problem was that I put those needs before the needs of my husband. I just argued that he wasn't meeting my needs so I didn't have to meet his. I would also argue that since he wasn't meeting them, I had the right to meet them myself. Because, you know, it was completely his fault that I was not being satisfied. He had a responsibility as my husband to meet my needs and he was failing, so he was to blame. So, any time I took care of my own needs it was his fault because I NEEDED it and that need wasn't being met.
Acts 20:35 - I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.
Now, how ignorant does that sound? To me, it sounds like a pretty weak argument. Does a person really NEED sex? Do I NEED to be sexually satisfied? Do I really NEED more than what my husband has to offer?
NO. The answer is simply No. I do not NEED anything more than what my husband has to offer. I do not NEED sex. All of that is a desire. I want it. I want to be sexually satisfied. But I don't NEED it. There is no necessity to sex other than procreation and pleasure between husband and wife. I didn't want to procreate so there was ZERO need for the desires I felt. I just desired it, and my desires tricked me. What I found that I need is God. That's it. When I find satisfaction in God, I find satisfaction in all avenues of life! It's not my husband's fault that I am not satisfied, it's my own.
I would also argue that we were made to be sexual beings. But that was all wrong too. We were created to be spiritual beings. And for a long time I confused my spirituality with my sexuality. I replaced spiritual fulfillment with sexual fulfillment. Instead of looking for the permanent, spiritual healing God could give me, I looked for a temporary fix in the physical form. Just like a drug addict would with his drug of choice. If I had just turned to the Bible instead of sex, I would have found fulfillment many years ago. And this is true for all forms of sexual fulfillment - porn, sex outside of marriage, and self fulfillment. Those things only give a temporary fix to something that has a permanent solution.
All sexual satisfaction is temporary. I have never found anyone that can say they were satisfied enough for a lifetime in just one sexual encounter. That desire begins to build back up the moment satisfaction is reached. It may not be desired again right away. But days, weeks, months down the road the desire will come back. That satisfaction, no matter how great it might be, is only temporary.
However, God's love and grace is satisfaction that can last a lifetime. It took me a while to really see this fact. I absolutely NEED God in my life. Over the past two years I have really learned a lot about myself, this addiction and how to continue my recovery! The only thing that has been consistent and reliable is God. The desires I once had for sexual fulfillment has turned into a NEED for spiritual fulfillment!
Psalms 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Don't get me wrong, just like any addict, I struggle. I won't deny that fact in the least. But I know now that I can't allow my desires to trick me into a quick fix. I may desire one thing, but what I NEED is completely different. And now that I have stopped confusing those two things, I have been in much better control of my addiction and have been able to turn to God when I feel my needs are elsewhere.
Philippians 4:19 - But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
I will always have desires. Everyone will always desire one thing or another. But I now DESIRE and NEED God's love and grace! I am comforted knowing that He will supply the things I truly NEED as long as I trust Him to do so! And that satisfaction is WAY better than any other satisfaction I've ever felt before in my life!!!
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