Being Thankful

Yeah, I am a little late here, but better late than never :)  I've been so busy with the new baby (Jonathen), Jorden was super sick all week, the older boys out of school for the Thanksgiving weekend and just so much going on.  However, I would still like to share what I am most thankful for!

First and foremost, I am thankful for God's love!  His unconditional, guaranteed love!  I've been through a lot in my life and over the last 2 years I have been able to get through a lot of it because of Christ!  I wouldn't be where I am, giving thanks for anything if not for the presence He has in my life!  He has blessed me beyond belief and I will never stop giving thanks to Him for all he has given me!

I am also just as thankful for my amazing husband!!!  Our 6 1/2 years of marriage haven't always been easy but we stick together through it all!  His friendship, love and compassion has been more than a blessing to me.  He's my best friend, the other half to my heart! 

I am also thankful for my children!  I have been given 4 amazing blessings and wouldn't trade any of them.  Darien is my clown!  He loves to joke and play and can make anyone laugh with his silliness!

  Adrien is my crazy child!  He will try anything at least once and has ZERO fear!  He also loves to be silly but in such a different way!  

Jorden is strong willed and very loveable!  He cuddles and all but when he is determined, stay out of his way.  

Jonathen is the blessing I didn't know I wanted.  He was given to us in a way that was undesirable but just 1 week with him and I couldn't imagine our lives without him!  Such a super cuddly baby, and mighty handsome!

All 4 of my handsome boys are amazing blessings!

I am thankful for the other family and friends who have been there for my family!  Especially this last year.  Things have been tough and so much going on, our family and friends have been amazingly supportive and encouraging through it all!  I can't express how thankful I am for those who have stood by us and really supported us!  Without each and everyone of them, who knows where I would be right now.

And of course I am thankful for all the smaller things in life... good food, water, shelter, nature, etc...  Everything I have, EVERYTHING, is a blessing and I will forever be grateful for it!  

Amazing Chaos

Whew.  Being the mom of 4 will definitely be a challenging, though extremely rewarding, adventure.  I guess dealing with all of this early on, I can be prepared for the future with all of these boys.  Only home for 24 hours and already have handled more than I expected.  Though, I thank God that I have the most amazing husband who is more than willing to do the things I am not able to do right now.

Yesterday Jorden (14 months old) started running a fever and being very tired.  It was obvious to everyone that saw him that he was not feeling well.  His breathing had gotten pretty bad, though his inhaler was helping and motrin had been taking his fever down.  So we opted not to stop at the ER before leaving the hospital.  Though, we should have.

We finally got home a little after 9pm.  I spent some time with all my boys and got settled in for the night.  Just as I was going to lay down, around 130am, I hear Jorden start crying, and pretty hard.  I go get him out of his bed and he was burning up.  Took his temperature and it was 100.4.  So, not awful but a fever.  Got some motrin for him and laid him down with Fil so that I could get back to Jonathen.  Checked his temperature again about an hour later, it went up to 100.8.  Not a huge difference but the motrin should have helped bring it down, not have it still rising. 

Because of that and the fact his breathing was getting bad again, he needed to be seen.  So, Daddy got up and took him to the ER at about 3am.  I was finally able to lay down and get some sleep until they got back a few hours later.

Poor Jorden has pnuemonia which is causing his asthma to act up really bad.  He has slept more like an infant than a toddler, being asleep most of today.  At least he had some medications now that are hopefully going to help get this gone.  Now we have to worry about the other kids, especially Jonathen, getting sick.

After being up at 3am and taking care of Jorden, Fil ended up even going to the commissary and grocery shopping.  We needed stuff for the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner plus wanted to get some pedialyte for Jorden.  And that, roughly, 2 hours alone with all 4 boys was interesting.  Jonathen slept most of the time, except the feeding he had mid way.  Jorden cried most of the time, even fell and whacked his head once.  The older two were playing/fighting with toys.  Lots and lots of chaos.  Though, I know that someday I am going to miss the chaos.

Though, with all the sickness, the craziness and even the recovering and newborn stuff going on here, I wouldn't trade one chaotic moment for any other kind of life.  Things may be completely crazy right now but my boys, my life and my husband are perfect for me! 

Jonathen has arrived!

After a long, emotionally and medically complicated pregnancy, little Jonathen has arrived!!!  Even with everything that has happened, I would not trade (most of) my labor and birth experience with him :)  He is truly a blessing and from first sight, this mama was in love with her baby boy!

On Tuesday I found out they wanted to induce on Thursday.  I was prepared for induction but not for at least another week.  So, the rush to get ready was on!  I had to finish his clothes and clean the house up and just have things together for when he got home so that we could both be comfortable!  Plus, I had parent/teacher conferences to attend for Darien and Adrien, so lots happening in just 2 days.

The plan was to call Thursday at 4pm to get the time to head in.  When I called, they told me to be there at 730pm.  We got up to the hospital and was in a room around 815.  All IV's and things were started and going around 9pm.  I was just hoping for after midnight so that his birthday would be 11/16.  Well, we got past midnight, plus some.

The doctor on shift Thursday night apparently wanted to be left alone.  She had them start me ridiculously low on pitocin and only increase in tiny amounts and hours apart.  When she checked me just before 9pm, I was 2cm, about 40% effaced and he was still pretty high up there.  Well, I didn't see that doctor again AT ALL.  Thankfully my contractions weren't getting THAT bad yet.  I was able to fall asleep in spurts and just waited for something to start happening.

In the morning, after the 730 shift change, the day doctor came in.  She asked when I was last checked and told her not since the night before.  So, she said they would increase pitocin and break my water and really get things going.  She attempted to break my water but I think it was still quite high and was too hard to get to.  I was only 3cm, about 50% effaced and he'd only dropped slightly.

About an hour later, the other midwife came in and broke my water with some effort.  After that, things got moving quickly.  Cori, a friend who was an amazing doula for me, came in shortly after my water was broken.  My contractions quickly picked up and became INTENSE.  It was hard to move around to do anything, though I tried the birthing ball.  The thing I found that helped the most was heat on my back.  But nothing was going to take all the pain away at this point, it was getting serious.

Not 2 hours later I was feeling a lot of pressure.  She came back and checked me to find that I was 6cm and pretty much fully effaced and he was down and in position.  So, things were really moving fast.  The contractions were REALLY hurting and I could feel my body pushing down.  It was almost time.  And that's about when I thought I couldn't do it.  Not that I couldn't have the baby, but that I couldn't do it without an epidural.  I started asking for it but Cori was there talking me out of it, telling me how great I was doing.  So, I kept on.

I did, however, end up getting a shot of pain meds to help.  I was getting so uncomfortable and was really ready to give in to an epidural.  Then, I felt it.  The need to push.  They came and checked and I was 9cm and almost ready to go.  Just had to wait for the dr and everyone to get ready without forcing pushes.  And not forcing pushes then became extremely hard not to do.  So, while they were getting everything ready, I was laying there trying not to force the pushing, but my body wasn't stopping.  I was reassured it was only a couple more minutes by Cori.  The dr then turned and said that it was going to be more like seconds, she was looking at the top of his head.

At this point, pushing wasn't an option.  I couldn't hold back.  Every contraction that came, even small ones, forced me to push.  It burned and felt like I was taking the worse crap of my life.  A few seconds later, I felt relief.  He was out!  They laid him on my chest while Fil cut the cord and I laid eyes on this handsome baby for the first time!

Jonathen Mikel, born at 1211 at 6lbs 2oz, 19 inches long and a full head of hair!  He was born perfect!  Though there are still a lot of fears and emotions, I can't wait to see what this little boy has in store for our lives!  What God gave him to us to do!  I am proud to be his mama!

And, I am definitely the proud mom, now of 4 amazingly handsome little guys!!!

6 Year Old, My First Born!

Yesterday we celebrated my first born son's 6th birthday!  I can't believe it has been 6 years since I became a mom for the first time.  It just doesn't seem possible.  Feels like just yesterday he was laid on my chest.

It doesn't matter how I felt before hand, the moment the doctor put him on my chest, I was head over heels in love with him!  He made me a mom, made me realize how amazing life is as a mother!!!  I was taken by surprise by the amount of love I had for him and now couldn't imagine life without him.

For his birthday this year we had a bowling party!  Nothing super special but something that he enjoys doing and something he requested.  And because he's in school he got to invite his own friends!!!  I think his birthday party was a super success!

I love his excitement!  Can't wait to see what we get to do next year!!!

Almost Time

Each day is another day closer.  Another day gone.  Another day awaiting the arrival of baby Jonathen.  And with each of those passing days, my anxiety increases a little and I am more and more nervous of what is coming.  I can't believe how fast time has gone through all of this.  It seems like the days have dragged on but overall, it's gone by really fast.  In just a few short weeks, we will be welcoming our newest addition into our lives!

I would be lying if I tried to say that the anxiety only comes from excitement.  I mean, I am definitely excited but I am scared at the same time.  Scared of what he is going to look like.  Scared that he is going to look just like [him].  Scared that seeing him will flood back memories I don't want to have.  Scared that seeing him will open up all the memories that I've seemed to have blocked.  And complete honesty, I am scared that I won't have the same connection with him that I had with the other boys.  I am scared that I will be a horrible mother, or that these feelings make me a horrible mother.  I love him, there is no doubt about that already, so I do hope my fears are just that, simple fears.

I will say that my husband has been AMAZING!!!  For a while I was back and forth on feeling scared of him and how he is going to feel about me after Jonathen is born.  And though I do still have some fear of that, he has shown more love and support to me through this than you could ever expect from any person.  I've truly seen and felt his love the last few months and can see that this IS HIS child, no matter what!  He really is just an amazing man, and Daddy!

I spent a lot of time questioning "why?".  Why did this happen to me?  Why did I let this happen to myself?  Why didn't I do something different?  Why can't I remember details?  Why did I have to get pregnant that way?  Why is my family being put through so much?  Even, why [and how] did I end up with such an amazing husband to stay through everything we've been through and raise this child?  And if I can ever come up with real answers to these questions, I will be sure to let you know.  However, I can only think of a few possibilities to answer them.

I don't understand WHY these kinds of things would ever happen to anyone, or why someone would do those things to another person.  I don't understand why a lot has happened, and I really can't understand what man in his right mind would stay after everything.  But I do understand that LOVE is what drives my husband and lack of love is what drives people to do bad things to others.  Love is also what has driven me to the decisions I have made, love for my unborn son.

While I don't understand it now, I am certain there is something special about our situation and our experience through all of this.  Whether we end up helping other families in similar situations or whether Jonathen is going to be the president someday, there IS a purpose.  Even if it is as simple as allowing our family to go through this just to become closer and stronger, the purpose of this child is important.  He has already made such an impact on our family relationship, making us stronger, tighter!

I know that there will come a day that I will not have these questions.  There will be a day that I look into Jonathen's eyes and KNOW exactly why he was given to me!  I will no longer ask Why but will say THANK YOU GOD!  Hopefully that day will be his birthday!  As I patiently wait for that day, I am enjoying the pregnancy, even the discomforts of it, and just trying to prepare for our new little arrival!  I can't wait to post about his birth!  Keep your eyes peeled for it!