Endings and Beginnings

Today is the last day of 2012.  Every year I have mixed emotions about the year ending a new one beginning, but not this year.  This year I am glad the year is ending and that a new year is beginning, and that we will begin that year with many changes!  Though, in order to really get past it all, let me reflect on the year and give some insight to what 2013 has in store!

The Bad:  In February my husband took off for his very first deployment.  I found out I was pregnant with a child I couldn't even remember conceiving, thus finding out that I had been assaulted (likely by someone we thought of as family).  The husband came home from his deployment early due to what happened to me and because I wasn't handling things well.  I spent a few months in a severe depression.  Had my first surgery, having my appendix removed.  Then, the pregnancy was difficult, having chronic placenta abruption, where the placenta separates too soon and spent a week in the hospital on strict bed rest and the rest of the pregnancy supposed to be on bed rest and worried the entire time that I could lose him (and myself) at any time if I wasn't careful.

I had to say bye to my best friend here :-(

The Good:  I had friends visit me!!!  and we took a couple trips!

Adrien started Preschool!

Darien started Kindergarten

Jonathen joined our family!

I now have 4 amazing little boys to love!

Jorden had his first steak, messy but so cute!

Though the year wasn't all bad, there was enough bad in it that I am glad it's coming to an end.  I am thankful for the good and bad that happened, I am just glad to move on from it and start with a new year and with the new beginnings we get!  Here's a look at what to expect from our new year!

We have quit smoking so we begin the year as non-smokers!  It's been almost 3 weeks for me and almost 4 for Filip!  I am so glad we finally decided to quit and we are already seeing the benefits of it! I am tasting things differently, my sense of smell is better and I am sure I smell better to other non-smokers.  I am only worried about the weight gain.

We PCS in March!!!  We are moving to Illinois, somewhere completely new to all of us!  A new adventure for our family with a new set of things to do and see! 

We get to visit with all of our family, some friends and enjoy time with them again!  I can't wait!

I suspect that 2013 is going to be an amazing year for us!  So many new adventures await us and I can't wait to share them!

Gold Medal Mom?

Today I had an appointment, one that I needed to have as part of our clearing to get out of here.  We move in March and trying to get everything done so we can get our official orders!  Anyway, this appointment was to clear me with the mental health because I was seen there after finding out about being pregnant with Jonathen.  I was treated for severe, situational depression and anxiety.  I stopped going back in September when I found that my doctor was leaving.  I didn't want to start all over with a new doctor and only see them for a short couple of months and end up leaving.  So, I had to clear with them and have them sign off on my paperwork.  They put me with the doctor I happened to see when I wanted to be put on medication, though she denied it because of the pregnancy and asked that I truly consider whether or not I truly needed the medication.

While I was in there, we went through the last year and just letting this doctor get a good understanding of what was going on and about my history.  After some discussion and her looking through my record, it seems that most of my "depression" was during pregnancy and after a pregnancy loss. 

Obviously it is expected to have some depression after pregnancy loss, especially when it was a pregnancy we were trying for.  Though, I am at a loss as to what happens to me during pregnancy that causes me to be depressed.  I realize that hormones are crazy and all sorts of changes, but such severe depression?  Weird.

Though, after I have my babies, I seem to bounce back with fury.  Even now, 4 weeks (man I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks) after having Jonathen, I feel GREAT!  Maybe my honeymoon phase lasts longer than most after having babies, I really do not know.  But she commented on how great and happy I look, compared to the last time she saw me. 

We talked about the kids and just made small talk while she filled out and signed my papers.  She told me how she had 1 son, her only child, and she has no clue how I do it with 4.  Not just that I have 4 but that they are all so close in age.  I told her that it can get difficult, frustrating and insane at times but that I just do it.  There isn't any real "trick" or secret, I just wake up every day and do what I have to do, love my children and start all over each morning.  She told me I was strong because her 1 child was rough enough, 4 would have terrified her.

Then we talked about what I do with my spare time.  I told her I was taking college course and starting to get ready for the PCS.  Plus trying to make time for "girl time" and other adult time that I very much need.  She was dumb-founded by that.  I thought her mouth was going to hit the floor when I told her I was taking classes.  That was when she told me I deserved a gold medal for all that I do and still being able to make time for myself.

Now, I don't feel like I deserve a gold medal.  I am not doing anything that other mothers don't do.  I wake up, do the best I can for my family and myself and that's it.  I am not supermom, I don't go above and beyond, I do what I am capable of to make my family happy and keep them healthy.  I feel that the "gold medal" that I get is knowing that my kids are pretty well behaved kids that are doing amazingly in school! 

I am very proud of my boys, and proud that I have been able to teach them enough that they are great at school and respect adults!  I know a few other moms that DO deserve gold medals, I am just not one of them.  But I appreciated the compliment and will continue to love my boys and teach them and keep praying that they will grow up to be happy, healthy, honest, respectful and loving!

Beautiful Chaos

Whew, life is CRAZY busy lately.  I thought people have said after having three children, more kids don't seem to add much.  Though, it seems to me like adding the fourth child has been even tougher than adding the second.  However, I think the fact that Jorden is only 14 months old, having two babies at the same time has been the hardest part of it all.  Getting to the car with two babies by myself is almost impossible and with the way the weather has been lately, I would likely slip and bust my rear end if I tried to take them both at the same time.

Now, these are not complaints.  I am extremely blessed to be dealing with all of this!  I love my kids more than anything and wouldn't trade any of them for easier.  I would rather risk busting my butt than not have my children to hug, kiss and snuggle.  Because those hugs, kisses and snuggles are the highlight of my days!

Another thing keeping me crazy busy is school.  Yes, I am still in classes no matter how crazy it may seem.  I will probably take one more class before taking a break while we move back to the U.S.!!!  But I really need to get my education finished so that I can begin working on my certifications.

All of this and still trying to keep up a house, which is impossible by the way, has me staying pretty busy.  And driving my crazy most days.  Though, this life is an amazing life!  I have the most amazing husband, great kids, supportive and loving family and the best friends anyone could have!  All this crazy will soon settle down and I will surely miss it!