I had more thoughts to add to my last blog, though thought they deserved their own spot!
One thing that I have learned over time is that if I ended a relationship every time I thought love was gone... oh wait... I DID do that...
I was sitting here thinking about the past relationships and trying to see the pattern of "love" and when/how they ended. I ended relationships only weeks after thinking I "loved" them because that feeling was gone. And honestly, a lot of times that feeling was probably not love as much as it was lust. But either way, they ended the moment that feeling was gone.
The few relationships that I can honestly say that real feelings were involved still ended the moment I thought those feelings were gone. I always thought love was involuntary and that if it was gone then it meant we weren't supposed to be together. And even though I can admit now that things did happen how they were supposed to, it was a pattern I kept repeating, even into my current marriage.
I married my first husband for what I thought was love. We were so compatible and I thought I loved him. But, the problem there was that we allowed our love to be shared with other people rather than keeping it confined to our marriage. And because we weren't loving each other, I thought my love had faded and I left. And I soon found myself loving someone else.
Now, because I kept up that same pattern, even my second marriage faced ending too many times. I would threaten divorce just because I was unhappy with something. I would withhold my love if he upset me, or when he withheld his love. And those were the times that I felt like we were in a "loveless" marriage. And, it was loveless, because we weren't putting love into it.
But if we had ended our relationship, and I continued my pattern, I have to wonder how many relationships I would have been in and out of by now. And I would still have never learned the true beauty of what real love is and how amazing it feels!
Love isn't always involuntary. There are times that we really have to make an effort to love, and be very purposeful about it. There are going to be times that people are just simply unlovable, but we have to choose to love them anyway. And to love someone isn't just a feeling we have for them, it is the action we take for and to them.
I have never known love like this before! God's love is the only thing better than the love in my marriage! Fil and I do not HAVE to love each other, we CHOOSE to. Our love isn't something we just feel quietly within our own hearts, it is something we act on and show each other every day! Our love is more than something that just exists, it is something we built by CHOICE, TOGETHER!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Love is a Choice
Being divorced, I do understand the argument to leave a marriage due to a lack of love. I left my first marriage partly due to that reason. I didn't love him the way I should as a wife, at least that was what I told myself.
So, when I felt the same way about my husband, it seemed only sensible to end things. I mean, marriage can't survive without love, right? And if I don't love him, why bother? If I don't love him the way a wife should, then it wouldn't be fair to either of us to keep going in a "loveless" marriage.
But, after some thought and prayer, we decided to keep fighting for our marriage, no matter what.
Over the last couple of years I have learned a few things. First, my marriage has definitely been through some "loveless" times. Second, there were times that the lack of love was one-sided, meaning only one of us was not loving the other. Third, love is a choice. Fourth, love is an action.
Now, what I mean by love is a choice but it is also an action is that we have to CHOOSE to love. When you are choosing to do something, you are taking action! When we love, we are taking action!
The "loveless" times in my own marriage were during times action wasn't being taken, when there was no love being shown. There were times we were both not loving, and there were times it was just one of us. But either way, we were choosing not to love each other in those times. We didn't feel like there was love because we were not providing any.
The day I got married, I really wasn't sure we'd last long. Honestly, I didn't marry for love. I married because I was pregnant and was afraid of doing it on my own. I mean, I thought I loved him, but I didn't marry him thinking that love would last forever. So, how did we make it to more than 8 years and 5 children? Well, we CHOOSE to love each other. And honestly, I thank God every day for allowing me to love such an amazing man!
It is easy to say love is involuntary, and there are times it really can be. But when you spend years with someone, things can become "normal" and boring. It can feel like the love is gone because you get caught up in the day to day and stop focusing on the love you had, thinking it would always just be there. This is where many couples decide to separate because they think they just "grew apart" or "fell out of love". Though, I argue that they stopped making a choice to love.
If you wake up every day, doing the same thing (or close to), day after day and year after year, it can get boring. And it is like that in relationships. Couples really do need to make a choice to keep that love alive, and to keep lighting the fire they felt early on. Fires only die if we don't feed them, or feed them the wrong thing. Marriage is the same way.
I choose, daily, to love my husband. I choose to uphold the vows I took the day I married him. I choose the action of love. I choose not to allow the hard times to come between us. I choose to make each day different than the last. I choose to be a wife worthy of his love. I CHOOSE my husband over everything else. I make these choices even on days I don't really feel like it, because THAT is what REAL love is, a choice.
I choose to love him every day, even when he is unlovable, because that was the promise I made to him and to God when I married him!
So, when I felt the same way about my husband, it seemed only sensible to end things. I mean, marriage can't survive without love, right? And if I don't love him, why bother? If I don't love him the way a wife should, then it wouldn't be fair to either of us to keep going in a "loveless" marriage.
But, after some thought and prayer, we decided to keep fighting for our marriage, no matter what.
Over the last couple of years I have learned a few things. First, my marriage has definitely been through some "loveless" times. Second, there were times that the lack of love was one-sided, meaning only one of us was not loving the other. Third, love is a choice. Fourth, love is an action.
Now, what I mean by love is a choice but it is also an action is that we have to CHOOSE to love. When you are choosing to do something, you are taking action! When we love, we are taking action!
The "loveless" times in my own marriage were during times action wasn't being taken, when there was no love being shown. There were times we were both not loving, and there were times it was just one of us. But either way, we were choosing not to love each other in those times. We didn't feel like there was love because we were not providing any.
The day I got married, I really wasn't sure we'd last long. Honestly, I didn't marry for love. I married because I was pregnant and was afraid of doing it on my own. I mean, I thought I loved him, but I didn't marry him thinking that love would last forever. So, how did we make it to more than 8 years and 5 children? Well, we CHOOSE to love each other. And honestly, I thank God every day for allowing me to love such an amazing man!
It is easy to say love is involuntary, and there are times it really can be. But when you spend years with someone, things can become "normal" and boring. It can feel like the love is gone because you get caught up in the day to day and stop focusing on the love you had, thinking it would always just be there. This is where many couples decide to separate because they think they just "grew apart" or "fell out of love". Though, I argue that they stopped making a choice to love.
If you wake up every day, doing the same thing (or close to), day after day and year after year, it can get boring. And it is like that in relationships. Couples really do need to make a choice to keep that love alive, and to keep lighting the fire they felt early on. Fires only die if we don't feed them, or feed them the wrong thing. Marriage is the same way.
I choose, daily, to love my husband. I choose to uphold the vows I took the day I married him. I choose the action of love. I choose not to allow the hard times to come between us. I choose to make each day different than the last. I choose to be a wife worthy of his love. I CHOOSE my husband over everything else. I make these choices even on days I don't really feel like it, because THAT is what REAL love is, a choice.
I choose to love him every day, even when he is unlovable, because that was the promise I made to him and to God when I married him!
Saturday, May 3, 2014
What a reTREAT!
What an AWESOME, AWESOME experience! This was my first ever women's retreat, and I am so very glad that I went! I can't even begin to describe the blessings that seemed to just pour out, for many, in the less than 24 hours we were together! How amazing God is!
Eat, Pray, Love. The lessons we learned about each of those topics were just great! Our speaker, Stephanie Edge, talked about what each of them meant to our spiritual walk with Christ, and how to fulfill them with His word!
Just like we eat food to stay alive, we need to be in God's word to be alive. Though, many fail to truly study the Bible. I am personally guilty of this, as I had many excuses not to be studying it. I don't have enough time, I don't know how, and I can't make it interesting were my excuses... and there are others that are regularly used.
However, learning the reasons we should study the Bible makes it even more important for me to truly begin and to take it seriously. Technically I am still a new Christian. I am still just learning and growing. But, I want to have spiritual maturity and effectiveness someday too. Plus, as our speaker said, it is also important to be in the word for spiritual warfare, because as Christians, that is a real fight that we are going to face. Plus, the ultimate goal to feed others. I can't do that if I do not know what food to offer them!
Prayer, our conversations with God. This is still new to me as well. I am learning how to pray, and learning how to effectively communicate with my Lord and Savior. Part of the message was that prayer transforms our lives. And I am quite a testimony to that truth. Since I started becoming more purposeful in my prayer, and focusing on what blessings I already have and what I can do to bless others, I have found a complete change in my attitude and desires. I do still struggle with being materialistic, but it's shifting, and that is something amazing!
Lately I have found myself praying in the shower. It really is one of the few times I am truly alone and able to have that quite time to focus on God. I am completely vulnerable and feel that in that vulnerability is when I have the most honest intentions in my prayers. One thing I have noticed is that I don't tend to pray for things for myself, I thank Him and ask that He use me to bless others. I also tend to pray for people, especially those who have hurt me in some way. And I have found some great freedom in that.
Love. The one area that we all know how to do but often hold back from doing. There are many reasons why people find it hard to show love, though the main one for me is not feeling appreciated. I struggle with this more than anything. I honestly love to love people. I try to pour my love out to others. But when I do not feel it is appreciated, or wanted, I tend to withdraw and stop showing any love to anyone. But after this retreat and really discussing this topic, I want to find more ways to pour my love out to others, and not just to people I know, because God would!
One thing we were asked to do was to make a commitment to something new. I have made the commitment to attend a women's Bible study at church that I signed up for a while ago and have never gone. I really have had zero good reasons not to go, only excuses. No more excuses, I WILL be attending! The other is begin affirmation jars for Darien and Adrien. They are growing up and need to be told how amazing they are, and we tend to get caught up and not remind them enough. With affirmation jars, they can always be reminded of how amazing they are and by our words that are permanently written!
This weekend was really just amazing! Even the sermon at church was amazing! God definitely reached out this weekend and has touched my soul in a great way!
Eat, Pray, Love. The lessons we learned about each of those topics were just great! Our speaker, Stephanie Edge, talked about what each of them meant to our spiritual walk with Christ, and how to fulfill them with His word!
Just like we eat food to stay alive, we need to be in God's word to be alive. Though, many fail to truly study the Bible. I am personally guilty of this, as I had many excuses not to be studying it. I don't have enough time, I don't know how, and I can't make it interesting were my excuses... and there are others that are regularly used.
However, learning the reasons we should study the Bible makes it even more important for me to truly begin and to take it seriously. Technically I am still a new Christian. I am still just learning and growing. But, I want to have spiritual maturity and effectiveness someday too. Plus, as our speaker said, it is also important to be in the word for spiritual warfare, because as Christians, that is a real fight that we are going to face. Plus, the ultimate goal to feed others. I can't do that if I do not know what food to offer them!
Prayer, our conversations with God. This is still new to me as well. I am learning how to pray, and learning how to effectively communicate with my Lord and Savior. Part of the message was that prayer transforms our lives. And I am quite a testimony to that truth. Since I started becoming more purposeful in my prayer, and focusing on what blessings I already have and what I can do to bless others, I have found a complete change in my attitude and desires. I do still struggle with being materialistic, but it's shifting, and that is something amazing!
Lately I have found myself praying in the shower. It really is one of the few times I am truly alone and able to have that quite time to focus on God. I am completely vulnerable and feel that in that vulnerability is when I have the most honest intentions in my prayers. One thing I have noticed is that I don't tend to pray for things for myself, I thank Him and ask that He use me to bless others. I also tend to pray for people, especially those who have hurt me in some way. And I have found some great freedom in that.
Love. The one area that we all know how to do but often hold back from doing. There are many reasons why people find it hard to show love, though the main one for me is not feeling appreciated. I struggle with this more than anything. I honestly love to love people. I try to pour my love out to others. But when I do not feel it is appreciated, or wanted, I tend to withdraw and stop showing any love to anyone. But after this retreat and really discussing this topic, I want to find more ways to pour my love out to others, and not just to people I know, because God would!
One thing we were asked to do was to make a commitment to something new. I have made the commitment to attend a women's Bible study at church that I signed up for a while ago and have never gone. I really have had zero good reasons not to go, only excuses. No more excuses, I WILL be attending! The other is begin affirmation jars for Darien and Adrien. They are growing up and need to be told how amazing they are, and we tend to get caught up and not remind them enough. With affirmation jars, they can always be reminded of how amazing they are and by our words that are permanently written!
This weekend was really just amazing! Even the sermon at church was amazing! God definitely reached out this weekend and has touched my soul in a great way!
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