God's Love is Why I Share!

I was asked why I share so much about my life.  Well, that isn't exactly a question that has a simple answer.  I've always been a pretty open person, though my avenue and way of sharing has definitely changed.  I don't like to hide who I am, nor do I feel I should.  By sharing all of the good, bad and ugly of my life, and then sharing the lessons I've learned from it all, I feel is part of what I've been called to do.

I am a firm believer that God calls us all to use our experiences and circumstances to help other who may face the same, or similar, in their lives.  I don't think that my past is going to go to waste because it can be shared to show others the dangers of those choices.  It can also be used to show just how amazing God's mercy, grace, and forgiveness truly is!  Why wouldn't I want to share that with the world?

I know at least a few people that believe I should stay quiet about my past.  They think I should fear the way people will think of me when they know things I've done or gone through.  But really, I just don't.  I used to.  I used to worry that if I shared my past with a Christian that I would be condemned by them because of my choices.  I feared that I would never have friends that were truly followers of Christ because they wouldn't understand my history or who I am now.  I honestly thought that the kind of people I needed as influence in my life were completely out of my league.  But what I have found is that any true follower of Christ won't judge my past, and they won't think any less of me because of my less than perfect history.  Because more often than not, they have a less than perfect history too.

I've found that my sharing has led me to some of the greatest women God has ever put in my life.  Through my honesty and openness, I've really formed bonds with the kind women that I only ever imagined having friendships with.  I've formed relationships with true Christ followers who accept me and my past, and encourage my future!  And, my past doesn't matter.  Even to those who haven't ever been through anything like I have, it just doesn't matter.  Why?  Because like Christ, they have love and acceptance of others!

But the biggest and most important reason for me to share is answered by a message I received from someone that read my story and has followed my blog ever since.  I am not sure how she was first introduced to my blog, and I do not ask a lot of questions.  She is someone I can tell just by her writing that she truly struggles with some demons that are similar to my own.  But her message was so encouraging and eye opening that I will never stop sharing my experiences.

A short portion of her email read:  "you have been such a good influence on me. i have finally opened up to someone i trust about things that happened to me. it was so hard but i am so glad i did it. if it wasn't for reading your blogs and seeing how honest you are, i may have never told anyone. and now i feel like i can take more control to keep making changes, because my life is really hard right now"

There was so much more said than that, but that was enough to encourage me to keep going!  I know that my story won't change anyone's life over night, but even that small change in someone's life is a huge victory!  I am so blessed to have my story to share, even if it is ugly in a lot of parts.  I am blessed to have a loving Savior that forgave me and continues to love me no matter what.  I am blessed to have people who support me, accept me, and love me through all of my brokenness!  And I want to share my blessings with the world!  

That, my friends, is why I share the ugliness of my life!  But look past that and see the beauty that is being created now!  Because God is AMAZING!

Dangerous, Inappropriate Relationships

At a very early age, I learned that I got a long better with males than I ever did with females.  Though, in recent years, I have learned it was because they made me feel good and females didn't.  But, until learning that, I held on to relationships with guys, even when I really should have let go.

For so many years I had these relationships with guys, and often kept guy friends, no matter what relationship situation I was in.  Even after marriage, I held on to these relationships and defended them as innocent, simple friendships.  I couldn't understand why my husband was getting so upset that I would talk to these men that I was "just friends" with.  It used to drive me bananas to feel like he was being ridiculous and over thinking something that was nothing.  And I got nothing short of ticked off when he would act like I was doing something wrong.

What was I doing so wrong?  I was just talking to friends about things that I was struggling with.  Trying to get a male perspective on the issues in my marriage.  It was innocent and there was no reason for my husband to act that way.  So, I fully believed he was the one with a problem, not me.

So, how did I come to realize that those relationships WERE harmful?  Well, I started to learn to little by little as some of those friendships began to turn into something else.  But, I still denied it and defended it.  The real wake up call was getting raped by one of those friends.

Some will argue that rape is different, because it wasn't me doing something wrong.  However, it was exactly because I was doing something wrong that allowed the situation to happen at all.  Now, a woman walking down the street and being raped by an unknown man is one thing... but I was raped by a man I called a friend.  Someone I allowed into my most intimate relationship, someone I had an inappropriate relationship with.

I thought that because he was a church-going, Christian man, and because I knew his wife just as well, that we were safe being friends.  Heck, even my husband believed it was safe.  I mean, this one WAS different.  We'd known each other for years, he was a Godly man, he was married, all four of us were close, and with all of that, how could it be wrong that him and I were close?

I would talk to him about my marriage.  He knew the struggles we had gone through in the past.  He knew that I was realizing my sexual addiction and trying to overcome it.  He knew I had an affair before.  He knew alcohol was a weakness.  He knew these intimate details of my life and my marriage that he really shouldn't have known, because I told him since he was a friend.

So, knowing these things about me and my marriage, and knowing I was in a vulnerable state after being without my husband for over a month, he felt that after I had enough to drink, he would help himself.  You can read my story at:

http://t-overthinker.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-am-not-rape-victim-i-am-rape-survivor.html

While I know I still didn't deserve what happened to me, I am fully aware that my own actions led to that event.  What I allowed in my friendships contributed to that event.  By allowing a man that was not my husband to have an intimate friendship with me, I sent signals that made him believe what he did was okay.  I opened a door that I should have closed and locked.  I know that it doesn't matter what I did, no woman deserves that to happen to her, but I am also very aware that it wouldn't have happened had I stopped crossing the boundaries and having and inappropriate friendship with a man that was not my husband.

I am writing about this for a couple reasons.  One is because I see it happen all too often in marriages, and people just don't seem to truly comprehend where their actions could eventually lead them.  And most likely, very few will experience what we did.  Though, the pain and resentments that happen are still just as real.  And I truly hope that my story shows just how far it really can go if you are not careful to watch your boundaries.

Because of what happened to me, I no longer have close friendships with men.  I am friendly, and do have male friends, but I do not have conversations with them about my marriage.  I do not sit and chat with them like I would my girl friends.  I no longer allow myself to have a one-on-one relationship with any man that is not my husband.  We have some couples that we are friends with, but you will never find me close with the male spouse like I was before. And it simply boils down to the fact that it is wrong to do so and has the potential to lead to very dangerous territory.

There is such a fine line that makes a friendship inappropriate that I no longer leave room for any questions.  I feel that if there is room for questions, I am probably already crossing a boundary, and rather than risking it, I just avoid it.  I instead now turn to my CR group or church leadership if I need to discuss my difficulties with my life and marriage.  I rarely even speak to my female friends about it anymore, because I would rather be over cautious than risking allowing Satan back into my marriage!  And if I am watching my actions, ensuring boundaries are not crossed, Satan has very little room to move in and God keeps His place as head of the marriage!  And that has created a much better marriage than I've ever had before!

Spiritual Maturity

The things I am learning about spiritual maturity is that not every person matures at the same rate, plus it may mean different things to different people. While the ideal of maturity is similar across the board, spiritual maturity can be extremely different from person to person. That is one of the most fascinating things about it!

For me, I find that my spiritual maturity this far has shown me boundaries I have to set for myself. Whether it be music, TV shows, movies, etc... I really have to limit what allow in my mind. This maturity has shown me that Christian music is about all I want to listen to anymore. I do have songs I like, and are not bad, that are not Christian songs, but they are not on my normal rotation of music anymore. I just prefer not to have that crack in the door, possibly allowing the bad stuff to creep in.

But there are many who feel that their spiritual maturity is about being able to listen to secular music without many issues. And for those who can listen to it without it affecting their spiritual walk, awesome for them! I don't find myself even drawn to that kind of maturity.  I personally like that the music I choose fills my mind, heart and ears with the Lord through every song! 

Same with TV shows and movies. Now, I am still working on taming my choices. But if you saw the shows I watched 2 years ago compared to now, you would see a HUGE difference. I choose not to fill my mind with the things that put a definite hindrance on my relationship with Christ, which is what I feel shows my maturity.

This also includes other areas, like how we dress, friends we keep, things we spend our time doing and even how you respond to situations.  Everyone may have a different opinion about what makes them spiritually mature in those areas.  It is such an individual definition, and I love how I can be among people who I believe are spiritually maturing and we are all still very different! 

I know that my personal journey requires a much more definitive line drawn in certain areas than other people may require. My struggles are different and the effects of outside influences are different in my life than the next person. And, that is alright. Just because our struggles, journey, and lines drawn are different does not mean one is more mature than the other, it just means that our maturity means something different.

First Testimony Shared!!!

Oh wow!  Talk about amazing healing!  I got to have a new experience for the first time this weekend, and how blessed I was to have that opportunity!  I gave my testimony for the first time ever!!!

I don't like to think my life has been horrible, but I have experienced some pretty horrible things.  I've done horrible things.  I've seen horrible things.  But I can see now that all of those horrible things have led to today, and that isn't at all horrible.

I wanted to share my story for a while now.  I had imagined myself sharing it, and imagined it being a blessing to someone else.  I never realized what a blessing it would be to ME.  But it surely was a blessing, and I really can't even describe how.

I know that getting it out there was part of it.  Just sharing it, knowing that I am no longer "hiding" myself from people.  Knowing that I am finally fully transparent and getting a better look at just how much God really has done in my life.  Those are part of the blessing.  But there is so much more, and I wish I could put it into words.

And, after I was almost embarrassed at the attention it got me.  Everyone telling me how great I was and how inspiring I was for sharing.  I felt like I was receiving the credit, where I truly deserve none.  God is the reason I was up there, God gave me the words, and God has gotten me to this moment.  It is God who did GREAT, and God who is inspiring!!!

Though, there was one compliment I received that touched me more than any others.  I was thanked for being so open and honest.  The person told me that they've always had a knack for being able to feel the honesty, and that they felt like I was one of the most honest people they'd ever heard give a testimony.  That the pure honesty was what moved them, not my words and not my experiences alone, but the honesty of pouring them out.  And truthfully, that is the one statement that meant the most to me.

I do want my story to inspire people, to move them in some way.  I want people to see how amazing God really is and to see His love shine through what He's done in my life.  I was blessed to be able to share it with a great group of people who were extremely supportive and encouraging, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for it next!!!