I recently read a blog, one not even worth sharing, that degraded moms. Basically saying that motherhood is average and not worth much. It even went on to say that women like Beyonce should be looked up to because she has other people raise her children while she continues her career. And quite frankly, that disgusts me and makes me worry for the young girls that may think she is right. She said quite a lot about moms and how they give up greatness for kids and that they do not accomplish anything important with their lives because of their kids.
You know, before I was a mom, it was easy for me to judge the women who decided to bear children and stay home to raise them. I didn't understand why women wanted to give up their lives to have kids, it didn't look like much fun. It was something I didn't want and didn't understand why anyone did. Plus, like this girl expressed, I felt it was what was expected, and I didn't want to do what I was expected to do.
So, when I first found out I was pregnant with Darien, I was sad because I felt like my life was about to end. I couldn't help but to think of all the things I would miss out on now that there was a child in the picture. How could I give up my life?
It wasn't immediate, but I did learn quickly that I was so immensely wrong in my thinking. It began with the first smile, then the first coo and all the way through the first step. I was simply amazed with the life I had created and couldn't wait to have another baby! Being a mom DID change everything about my life, but in a way I never expected.
I started to realize that the truly important thing in life was to raise a generation that would keep our country going. To raise a generation of amazing and loving young people that would run our schools, hospitals and even government offices. After all, if no one had children, who would take over when we are too old, ill, or dead?
Another thing I realized, after working most of the first year and having Darien in daycare, was that I didn't want someone else raising my kids. I wanted to raise them myself. It was then that we decided, as a couple, that I would be a stay at home mom. And it was the best decision I ever made.
I didn't have children because I was lonely. I didn't have children to have someone to take care of me when I am old (though it would be nice). I didn't have children to clean my house. I didn't have children for any reason other than simply loving them and wanting them. And there is no other reason necessary.
I could have chosen not to become a mom. I could have chosen to work outside the home and chase dreams that were of very little importance. I could have chosen to pay other people to raise my kids for me while I still chased selfishness (and I am not by any means calling women like Beyonce selfish). I could have done anything else that I wanted to do. But what I REALLY decided that I WANT to do is be a mom.
Now, some people may agree with the girl who wrote that horrid blog and believe that what I do is unimportant. But remember, when you are old and don't have any children there to help you or care for you, it will be the rest of us moms' children who are handling your pay, health care and other things that you will be relying on. So, deem me unimportant and pray that my children won't repay you with that sentiment later.
Honestly, I have to wonder why woman go to war with each other over these things? Why are we quick to judge the other side without considering that maybe they truly enjoy where they are? I think it's great that women choose not to have children and chase their dreams! I think it's wonderful that women work outside the home to help provide for their family. I think it's simply amazing that women make their own choices and do what they do no matter what others think of them. I just think we could do that without trashing each other.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
His Love and Forgiveness!
Honesty. Whew. It's scary.
I've been writing about things that I've never told anyone. Some of the things I never even told my closest friends. And I am a little fearful of people changing their opinion of me or judging me, but it's honestly been very freeing to get it out.
Sharing these parts of me is far from easy. And if I thought that I could heal and keep them to myself, I probably would. However, I know that healing is about being honest about who I am, and these things are part of who I am. Ugly or not, every part of my past has helped get me to where I am now, and I am blessed to be here.
One of the things I am really noticing is that I no longer think about my past and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to sit around and have a pity party because life was difficult or because I made some extremely poor choices. What I feel now is empathy for all those people out there who have gone through any of the things I have, or worse. I don't want to cry for myself, I want to cry for others who haven't found the healing and love that I've found.
God is simply AMAZING. My history is tarnished, my past is ugly and dark in many spots. I treated myself and others like nothing more than objects and took advantage of the niceness of others. Yet, God still accepts me and forgives me. He doesn't see me for my past, He sees His child who needs love and discipline. He sees that I am human and that I require forgiveness.
God has changed my life. I went from a broken young girl with no hope to a woman who now won't get out of my bed without hope, and I am being mended by His unfailing love!
Psalms 71: 5-8 says:
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I've been writing about things that I've never told anyone. Some of the things I never even told my closest friends. And I am a little fearful of people changing their opinion of me or judging me, but it's honestly been very freeing to get it out.
Sharing these parts of me is far from easy. And if I thought that I could heal and keep them to myself, I probably would. However, I know that healing is about being honest about who I am, and these things are part of who I am. Ugly or not, every part of my past has helped get me to where I am now, and I am blessed to be here.
One of the things I am really noticing is that I no longer think about my past and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to sit around and have a pity party because life was difficult or because I made some extremely poor choices. What I feel now is empathy for all those people out there who have gone through any of the things I have, or worse. I don't want to cry for myself, I want to cry for others who haven't found the healing and love that I've found.
God is simply AMAZING. My history is tarnished, my past is ugly and dark in many spots. I treated myself and others like nothing more than objects and took advantage of the niceness of others. Yet, God still accepts me and forgives me. He doesn't see me for my past, He sees His child who needs love and discipline. He sees that I am human and that I require forgiveness.
God has changed my life. I went from a broken young girl with no hope to a woman who now won't get out of my bed without hope, and I am being mended by His unfailing love!
Psalms 71: 5-8 says:
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!
My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and protection.
That is why I can never stop praising you;
I declare your glory all day long.
My life only is what it is because of God! I will praise His name for the rest of my days for that reason!!!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Limited Audience
After speaking to a couple people who will be discussed on my blogs, I have been asked to limit my audience for certain things. Though, because of the huge impact it had on my life, I still want to share it. I may not be able to share publicly, but I would like to share with anyone who is interested, just privately.
If you would like to read those posts, please send me your email address on Facebook or email me at
tpantovich69@gmail.com.
Please don't be afraid to send your email address! I really do want to share with those who want to read!
If you would like to read those posts, please send me your email address on Facebook or email me at
tpantovich69@gmail.com.
Please don't be afraid to send your email address! I really do want to share with those who want to read!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Past Coming Out
I've shared quite a bit about my personal life. I've shared about my addictions, my marriage and other very personal things that a lot of people wouldn't even share with close friends. Why? Well, because I believe I have something to offer to other people who may be in any number of the situations I've been in:
HOPE
My stories are proof that you can come from any situation and still smile and have purpose. Life doesn't end because something bad happens. If that were true, my life would have been over as a child. But, here I am to share about it and hopefully change the life of someone else. Even if it's only 1 person, it is worth sharing.
Just tonight my husband let me in on a little project he is working on for me. A project that I am scared to death of, but also very excited for! He is working on turning my blogs in ebook format to publish onto the different online book stores. How awesome (and terrifying) is that?!!
So, the responsibility I have now is to create a Preface for them. But I also feel like I am going to take a little time and go back to the beginning. Going back to the beginning is going to be a very difficult task for me, though I feel it will help anyone who happens to read my stories to understand a little more about where I came from, how it shaped who I was, and how it's shaping who I am becoming! Because everyone's past plays a role in who they are, and mine most certainly does.
So, in the coming weeks be prepared for some very ugly truths and crazy stories that will probably stir up a lot of emotion (at least for me). I definitely didn't have the worst childhood possible, but it was far from pretty. The past is ugly but it's coming out!
Though, I want to share about it and allow everyone who is interested to see what miracles God can work when we allow him to. Because I could have turned out a whole lot worse than I have, and the only reason for that is God!
This will also give a lot of ammunition for people to judge and have opinions. And that is okay. Just know that I have come to terms with the things in my past - good, bad, and ugly - so I hope everyone reading will do the same. Be on the lookout!
HOPE
My stories are proof that you can come from any situation and still smile and have purpose. Life doesn't end because something bad happens. If that were true, my life would have been over as a child. But, here I am to share about it and hopefully change the life of someone else. Even if it's only 1 person, it is worth sharing.
Just tonight my husband let me in on a little project he is working on for me. A project that I am scared to death of, but also very excited for! He is working on turning my blogs in ebook format to publish onto the different online book stores. How awesome (and terrifying) is that?!!
So, the responsibility I have now is to create a Preface for them. But I also feel like I am going to take a little time and go back to the beginning. Going back to the beginning is going to be a very difficult task for me, though I feel it will help anyone who happens to read my stories to understand a little more about where I came from, how it shaped who I was, and how it's shaping who I am becoming! Because everyone's past plays a role in who they are, and mine most certainly does.
So, in the coming weeks be prepared for some very ugly truths and crazy stories that will probably stir up a lot of emotion (at least for me). I definitely didn't have the worst childhood possible, but it was far from pretty. The past is ugly but it's coming out!
Though, I want to share about it and allow everyone who is interested to see what miracles God can work when we allow him to. Because I could have turned out a whole lot worse than I have, and the only reason for that is God!
This will also give a lot of ammunition for people to judge and have opinions. And that is okay. Just know that I have come to terms with the things in my past - good, bad, and ugly - so I hope everyone reading will do the same. Be on the lookout!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Desires vs Needs
de·sire
dəˈzī(ə)r/
noun
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
need (nd)
n.
A condition or situation in which something is required.
Necessity; obligation
It is so funny to me how people confuse these things. Shoot, I am guilty of it myself. But, it's important to understand the difference, especially for people like me.
I have an issue with addiction. My personality just allows for me to become addicted to things, and stupid things, like soda. I get so addicted to having it that I begin to feel like I "need" it. But do I really need it or do I just have a strong desire for it?
This also goes for my sexual addiction. For so many years I used to justify my actions by saying I had needs, that my body had needs. And for many years, I believed it myself. I felt that we were made as sexual beings so I was only serving the needs I was created to have. And if my needs weren't being met then I had every right to serve them in other ways. My sexual "needs" came before the other needs I had, and they also came before the needs of other people. And, this is where the problem was.
A lot of the problem was that I put those needs before the needs of my husband. I just argued that he wasn't meeting my needs so I didn't have to meet his. I would also argue that since he wasn't meeting them, I had the right to meet them myself. Because, you know, it was completely his fault that I was not being satisfied. He had a responsibility as my husband to meet my needs and he was failing, so he was to blame. So, any time I took care of my own needs it was his fault because I NEEDED it and that need wasn't being met.
Acts 20:35 - I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.
Now, how ignorant does that sound? To me, it sounds like a pretty weak argument. Does a person really NEED sex? Do I NEED to be sexually satisfied? Do I really NEED more than what my husband has to offer?
NO. The answer is simply No. I do not NEED anything more than what my husband has to offer. I do not NEED sex. All of that is a desire. I want it. I want to be sexually satisfied. But I don't NEED it. There is no necessity to sex other than procreation and pleasure between husband and wife. I didn't want to procreate so there was ZERO need for the desires I felt. I just desired it, and my desires tricked me. What I found that I need is God. That's it. When I find satisfaction in God, I find satisfaction in all avenues of life! It's not my husband's fault that I am not satisfied, it's my own.
I would also argue that we were made to be sexual beings. But that was all wrong too. We were created to be spiritual beings. And for a long time I confused my spirituality with my sexuality. I replaced spiritual fulfillment with sexual fulfillment. Instead of looking for the permanent, spiritual healing God could give me, I looked for a temporary fix in the physical form. Just like a drug addict would with his drug of choice. If I had just turned to the Bible instead of sex, I would have found fulfillment many years ago. And this is true for all forms of sexual fulfillment - porn, sex outside of marriage, and self fulfillment. Those things only give a temporary fix to something that has a permanent solution.
All sexual satisfaction is temporary. I have never found anyone that can say they were satisfied enough for a lifetime in just one sexual encounter. That desire begins to build back up the moment satisfaction is reached. It may not be desired again right away. But days, weeks, months down the road the desire will come back. That satisfaction, no matter how great it might be, is only temporary.
However, God's love and grace is satisfaction that can last a lifetime. It took me a while to really see this fact. I absolutely NEED God in my life. Over the past two years I have really learned a lot about myself, this addiction and how to continue my recovery! The only thing that has been consistent and reliable is God. The desires I once had for sexual fulfillment has turned into a NEED for spiritual fulfillment!
Psalms 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Don't get me wrong, just like any addict, I struggle. I won't deny that fact in the least. But I know now that I can't allow my desires to trick me into a quick fix. I may desire one thing, but what I NEED is completely different. And now that I have stopped confusing those two things, I have been in much better control of my addiction and have been able to turn to God when I feel my needs are elsewhere.
Philippians 4:19 - But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
I will always have desires. Everyone will always desire one thing or another. But I now DESIRE and NEED God's love and grace! I am comforted knowing that He will supply the things I truly NEED as long as I trust Him to do so! And that satisfaction is WAY better than any other satisfaction I've ever felt before in my life!!!
dəˈzī(ə)r/
noun
a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
need (nd)
n.
A condition or situation in which something is required.
Necessity; obligation
It is so funny to me how people confuse these things. Shoot, I am guilty of it myself. But, it's important to understand the difference, especially for people like me.
I have an issue with addiction. My personality just allows for me to become addicted to things, and stupid things, like soda. I get so addicted to having it that I begin to feel like I "need" it. But do I really need it or do I just have a strong desire for it?
This also goes for my sexual addiction. For so many years I used to justify my actions by saying I had needs, that my body had needs. And for many years, I believed it myself. I felt that we were made as sexual beings so I was only serving the needs I was created to have. And if my needs weren't being met then I had every right to serve them in other ways. My sexual "needs" came before the other needs I had, and they also came before the needs of other people. And, this is where the problem was.
A lot of the problem was that I put those needs before the needs of my husband. I just argued that he wasn't meeting my needs so I didn't have to meet his. I would also argue that since he wasn't meeting them, I had the right to meet them myself. Because, you know, it was completely his fault that I was not being satisfied. He had a responsibility as my husband to meet my needs and he was failing, so he was to blame. So, any time I took care of my own needs it was his fault because I NEEDED it and that need wasn't being met.
Acts 20:35 - I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.
Now, how ignorant does that sound? To me, it sounds like a pretty weak argument. Does a person really NEED sex? Do I NEED to be sexually satisfied? Do I really NEED more than what my husband has to offer?
NO. The answer is simply No. I do not NEED anything more than what my husband has to offer. I do not NEED sex. All of that is a desire. I want it. I want to be sexually satisfied. But I don't NEED it. There is no necessity to sex other than procreation and pleasure between husband and wife. I didn't want to procreate so there was ZERO need for the desires I felt. I just desired it, and my desires tricked me. What I found that I need is God. That's it. When I find satisfaction in God, I find satisfaction in all avenues of life! It's not my husband's fault that I am not satisfied, it's my own.
I would also argue that we were made to be sexual beings. But that was all wrong too. We were created to be spiritual beings. And for a long time I confused my spirituality with my sexuality. I replaced spiritual fulfillment with sexual fulfillment. Instead of looking for the permanent, spiritual healing God could give me, I looked for a temporary fix in the physical form. Just like a drug addict would with his drug of choice. If I had just turned to the Bible instead of sex, I would have found fulfillment many years ago. And this is true for all forms of sexual fulfillment - porn, sex outside of marriage, and self fulfillment. Those things only give a temporary fix to something that has a permanent solution.
All sexual satisfaction is temporary. I have never found anyone that can say they were satisfied enough for a lifetime in just one sexual encounter. That desire begins to build back up the moment satisfaction is reached. It may not be desired again right away. But days, weeks, months down the road the desire will come back. That satisfaction, no matter how great it might be, is only temporary.
However, God's love and grace is satisfaction that can last a lifetime. It took me a while to really see this fact. I absolutely NEED God in my life. Over the past two years I have really learned a lot about myself, this addiction and how to continue my recovery! The only thing that has been consistent and reliable is God. The desires I once had for sexual fulfillment has turned into a NEED for spiritual fulfillment!
Psalms 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Don't get me wrong, just like any addict, I struggle. I won't deny that fact in the least. But I know now that I can't allow my desires to trick me into a quick fix. I may desire one thing, but what I NEED is completely different. And now that I have stopped confusing those two things, I have been in much better control of my addiction and have been able to turn to God when I feel my needs are elsewhere.
Philippians 4:19 - But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
I will always have desires. Everyone will always desire one thing or another. But I now DESIRE and NEED God's love and grace! I am comforted knowing that He will supply the things I truly NEED as long as I trust Him to do so! And that satisfaction is WAY better than any other satisfaction I've ever felt before in my life!!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Unnecessary, Unsolicited Advice
As a mom and wife, I am constantly hearing "advice" from other people about how to parent my children or on my marriage. Now, there are times I seek advice from people. Either because they have older kids or I know they have gone through similar things or because they are simply someone I trust to give me Godly parenting/marriage advice. Though, there are times I get advice when it's not asked for, and by people with no children or who have never been married. Though, this really goes for any kind of advice. People who have never been divorced giving divorce advice, someone who has never been in the military giving advice about military service... whatever the case is, it bothers me when people give unsolicited advice just because they think they know better than me.
Why does it bother me? Well, first I didn't ask for it. If I need help, or if I feel inadequate in a specific area of parenting or life, I will reach out to someone I trust for what I need. If I did not ask you for the advice, there is likely a reason for that. Mostly it's probably just because I do not need the help. I am definitely not a pro at this but I know myself, my family and the needs of my family better than anyone else does.
Now, getting advice from someone who doesn't have kids REALLY bugs me. Mainly because they don't have kids. How can they seriously give me parenting advice if they don't have parenting experience. And I am sorry, but younger siblings and babysitting does NOT count for experience. I used to babysit A LOT and it is vastly different than having my own children. So, when someone who has no real clue tries to tell me how to parent my children, I do get very frustrated. The kids I babysat were given back to their parents after a few hours. Yes, I spent a great deal of time around small kids as a teenager, but nothing ever equated to being an actual parent. I can't depend on another person to take over responsibility of my kids. Even younger siblings do not give you a full sense of parenting because there is a parent that cares for them (unless the parent is really just that useless). Until your life, 24/7, revolves around the care, concern and welfare of a child that has no one else that takes care of at least 50% of their care, you do NOT know what it's like to be a parent and should not be giving unsolicited advice to people who are parents.
I always told myself I wouldn't be like my mom. I would choose the punishments she chose, I wouldn't yell at my kids, I won't spank my kids, I won't ever do anything that my mom did to me. Not ever. I had the idea of the kind of parent I would be, what punishments I would use and how I would treat my kids. Ha. My "idea" is far from what my reality is. I do spank, rarely but it happens. I yell from time to time. I even say the exact same phrases my mom used to use. So, when I punish my kids, I don't want advice from someone who doesn't have kids about how bad that punishment is or how stupid it may be. I have to decide punishments based on the behavior, the current situation and other factors that people may not know about in the moment. I wish I had the time to come up with awesome and creative punishments, but sometimes life just doesn't allow for that. Sometimes I have to think quick on my feet and still keep moving. That means some punishments will be simple while others are more harsh. I will likely use punishments others think are stupid or too easy/too mean. But, until you are the one raising my kids or unless I come asking specific advice, please don't critique what I choose to do as a parent... Whether it is punishment, rewards or whatever. I have actually been told once that I should not reward my kids a certain way. Why not? They are my kids. They deserved a reward. What is wrong with what I chose? The way I see it is... if I am not doing anything illegal or harmful, what is so wrong with my choice of rewards? If I am harming them, please do call me on that. But, unless you think my kids are in danger from what I am doing, then is what I am doing really all that bad?
The same with getting advice on my marriage from someone who has never been married. Marriage is far different from dating or simply living together, and anyone who argues this point definitely doesn't get it enough to give advice anyway. Yes, a lot of aspects are the same but marriage IS different and should definitely be treated differently than dating. When you are just dating a person, when things go wrong it can be easy to just end things and walk away from it. There is no reason to really fight for the relationship, unless you want to. Same as living together. Yes, you care for each other and probably don't "want" to end it, but it's much easier to walk away. However, marriage is very different. Marriage is when you vow your life to another person, when you vow that death would be the only thing that will separate you. The first time I took vows, I treated them like they were just another sentence. However, I am not that same girl and I now take those vows very seriously. So, hearing advice to just end it simply because we hit a rough patch in our relationship, and from someone who has never been married, infuriates me. I am not a perfect wife, and I do not have the perfect husband... and there are times we get irritated with each other... we've both made some pretty huge mistakes in our marriage... we've both hit points of wanting to end it... we've been through some really rough things... but walking away is too easy. Walking away is the weaker choice. Walking away just isn't what we should do. We should fight for our marriage. It isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be. I love him and I am pretty sure he loves me. That is what matters!
Ok, I think I am done with that bit of a rant... But really. I will ask for advice if I need it. And you will know when I am asking because I will specifically state that I need advice. I know I need help once in a while, so I do ask for it. Please just wait patiently until that happens!
Why does it bother me? Well, first I didn't ask for it. If I need help, or if I feel inadequate in a specific area of parenting or life, I will reach out to someone I trust for what I need. If I did not ask you for the advice, there is likely a reason for that. Mostly it's probably just because I do not need the help. I am definitely not a pro at this but I know myself, my family and the needs of my family better than anyone else does.
Now, getting advice from someone who doesn't have kids REALLY bugs me. Mainly because they don't have kids. How can they seriously give me parenting advice if they don't have parenting experience. And I am sorry, but younger siblings and babysitting does NOT count for experience. I used to babysit A LOT and it is vastly different than having my own children. So, when someone who has no real clue tries to tell me how to parent my children, I do get very frustrated. The kids I babysat were given back to their parents after a few hours. Yes, I spent a great deal of time around small kids as a teenager, but nothing ever equated to being an actual parent. I can't depend on another person to take over responsibility of my kids. Even younger siblings do not give you a full sense of parenting because there is a parent that cares for them (unless the parent is really just that useless). Until your life, 24/7, revolves around the care, concern and welfare of a child that has no one else that takes care of at least 50% of their care, you do NOT know what it's like to be a parent and should not be giving unsolicited advice to people who are parents.
I always told myself I wouldn't be like my mom. I would choose the punishments she chose, I wouldn't yell at my kids, I won't spank my kids, I won't ever do anything that my mom did to me. Not ever. I had the idea of the kind of parent I would be, what punishments I would use and how I would treat my kids. Ha. My "idea" is far from what my reality is. I do spank, rarely but it happens. I yell from time to time. I even say the exact same phrases my mom used to use. So, when I punish my kids, I don't want advice from someone who doesn't have kids about how bad that punishment is or how stupid it may be. I have to decide punishments based on the behavior, the current situation and other factors that people may not know about in the moment. I wish I had the time to come up with awesome and creative punishments, but sometimes life just doesn't allow for that. Sometimes I have to think quick on my feet and still keep moving. That means some punishments will be simple while others are more harsh. I will likely use punishments others think are stupid or too easy/too mean. But, until you are the one raising my kids or unless I come asking specific advice, please don't critique what I choose to do as a parent... Whether it is punishment, rewards or whatever. I have actually been told once that I should not reward my kids a certain way. Why not? They are my kids. They deserved a reward. What is wrong with what I chose? The way I see it is... if I am not doing anything illegal or harmful, what is so wrong with my choice of rewards? If I am harming them, please do call me on that. But, unless you think my kids are in danger from what I am doing, then is what I am doing really all that bad?
The same with getting advice on my marriage from someone who has never been married. Marriage is far different from dating or simply living together, and anyone who argues this point definitely doesn't get it enough to give advice anyway. Yes, a lot of aspects are the same but marriage IS different and should definitely be treated differently than dating. When you are just dating a person, when things go wrong it can be easy to just end things and walk away from it. There is no reason to really fight for the relationship, unless you want to. Same as living together. Yes, you care for each other and probably don't "want" to end it, but it's much easier to walk away. However, marriage is very different. Marriage is when you vow your life to another person, when you vow that death would be the only thing that will separate you. The first time I took vows, I treated them like they were just another sentence. However, I am not that same girl and I now take those vows very seriously. So, hearing advice to just end it simply because we hit a rough patch in our relationship, and from someone who has never been married, infuriates me. I am not a perfect wife, and I do not have the perfect husband... and there are times we get irritated with each other... we've both made some pretty huge mistakes in our marriage... we've both hit points of wanting to end it... we've been through some really rough things... but walking away is too easy. Walking away is the weaker choice. Walking away just isn't what we should do. We should fight for our marriage. It isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be. I love him and I am pretty sure he loves me. That is what matters!
Ok, I think I am done with that bit of a rant... But really. I will ask for advice if I need it. And you will know when I am asking because I will specifically state that I need advice. I know I need help once in a while, so I do ask for it. Please just wait patiently until that happens!
New Year, New Beginnings
Today is the last day of 2013. The year has sure flown by, seems each year goes quicker and quicker. And as we bring the year to it's closing, I look back and feel extremely blessed! I won't say it's been the best year of my life but it has definitely been a year of growth and maturation.
I don't think I have a "best" year of my life. Every year has it's up and downs, just some years had more than others. Just as some years the downs won my emotions more than the ups did, it happens. However, this year I feel that there were more ups than downs and that I handled the downs much better than in previous years.
2013 in reflection:
We made a second international move from Germany to Illinois.
We got to visit family in VA, NC and FL for the first time in years.
We found a wonderful new church and church family.
I finally started attending CR and made 6 months sobriety from the habit I went there for (it's really more than that but I am only counting from the time I actually started attending).
I've met and began friendships with some pretty amazing women!
I have more confidence than I ever had before.
My marriage is the strongest it's ever been.
I am still taking college classes, and doing very well!
I've learned a lot about myself, my family and the people I've surrounded myself with.
I've learned better ways to cope with stress.
I've learned to take responsibility for myself and my actions.
Jorden and Jonathen have both given us serious health scares.
I've grown as a mom, a woman, a friend and a Christian!
There really is so much that has happened this year, many very small things, that have helped me grow in maturity and spirituality.
To me, each new year is a new beginning for personal and spiritual growth. Each new year is a beginning for me to continue changing my life for the better.
So, I have stopped making New Years resolutions. Really, who ever sticks to them anyway? I never have. I have made so many resolutions and get through, maybe, a few weeks and it's over. I stopped making resolutions years ago, because I knew it was nothing more than a broken promise to myself.
Instead of a resolution, I will make a vow. A vow to continue growing and seeking God in everything that I do. A vow to try harder to be a better follower of Christ. I am not perfect and I know I will still make mistakes. But as long as I am trying and as long as my heart is truly seeking God, then I know I am doing the best I can!
If I focus on God and His will for my life, each year can only get better and better! So, I reflect on 2013 with a smile knowing that I have had a wonderful year despite the hardships. And I look forward to 2014 with hope because I know God is in my life!
I don't think I have a "best" year of my life. Every year has it's up and downs, just some years had more than others. Just as some years the downs won my emotions more than the ups did, it happens. However, this year I feel that there were more ups than downs and that I handled the downs much better than in previous years.
2013 in reflection:
We made a second international move from Germany to Illinois.
We got to visit family in VA, NC and FL for the first time in years.
We found a wonderful new church and church family.
I finally started attending CR and made 6 months sobriety from the habit I went there for (it's really more than that but I am only counting from the time I actually started attending).
I've met and began friendships with some pretty amazing women!
I have more confidence than I ever had before.
My marriage is the strongest it's ever been.
I am still taking college classes, and doing very well!
I've learned a lot about myself, my family and the people I've surrounded myself with.
I've learned better ways to cope with stress.
I've learned to take responsibility for myself and my actions.
Jorden and Jonathen have both given us serious health scares.
I've grown as a mom, a woman, a friend and a Christian!
There really is so much that has happened this year, many very small things, that have helped me grow in maturity and spirituality.
To me, each new year is a new beginning for personal and spiritual growth. Each new year is a beginning for me to continue changing my life for the better.
So, I have stopped making New Years resolutions. Really, who ever sticks to them anyway? I never have. I have made so many resolutions and get through, maybe, a few weeks and it's over. I stopped making resolutions years ago, because I knew it was nothing more than a broken promise to myself.
Instead of a resolution, I will make a vow. A vow to continue growing and seeking God in everything that I do. A vow to try harder to be a better follower of Christ. I am not perfect and I know I will still make mistakes. But as long as I am trying and as long as my heart is truly seeking God, then I know I am doing the best I can!
If I focus on God and His will for my life, each year can only get better and better! So, I reflect on 2013 with a smile knowing that I have had a wonderful year despite the hardships. And I look forward to 2014 with hope because I know God is in my life!
Monday, December 30, 2013
I'm Not Their Dictator
I remember walking around the grocery store, hearing people's kids having massive fits and being total brats. Why on earth weren't these people controlling their kids? Make them shut up already, dang. It was so rude that people would bring their kids to a place like that and ruin the grocery store trip for everyone in the store.
"If I ever have kids, they sure won't act like that, especially not in public" I remember saying to myself. And if I did ever have a kid who thought to act a fool like that, I would beat their bottom. Yep, that was the kind of mom I was going to be, IF I ever became a mom. I didn't even want kids, so it was a major IF for me.
So, for those of you who know me and my kids, you know that I didn't exactly turn out to be THAT mom. Now, don't get me wrong. My kids are very well behaved and respectful. However, they have bad days. There are times I am the mom I hated in the grocery stores. My kids get upset, they have fits and I let them. Shoot, there are times I have even left them laying on the floor and walked to the next isle and let them stay behind.
I don't "control" my kids. I have a relationship with them. They are disciplined and have boundaries but I am not a dictator. I figure, they are people just like I am. They need to learn how to think for themselves and how to act even when someone isn't there telling them how to act. They can't learn that if they are constantly bogged down with rules and discipline. Plus, they are just kids. I want them to enjoy being kids while they can. Life passes too quickly not to enjoy it.
My kids have feelings and emotions just like anyone else does. I try to teach them appropriate ways of dealing with it all. They lose their cool and have bad days just like anyone else does. I just try to teach them acceptable behaviors.
We give them options. We can't always be around to choose things for them, so they need to learn to choose things for themselves. I don't want to be the mom of a 20 year old boy that can't make decisions for himself.
I want them to learn that there are consequences to those choices, good and bad. I can easily make the right choices for them, but they should know how to do that for themselves. Plus, they have to know that when they make bad choices that there are consequences to that. But I also want them to enjoy the outcome of good choices and to see the reward in that!
So, now, I kick myself for the thoughts I had about those parents in the grocery stores. I completely understand it now and wish I hadn't been so quick to judge them. Because no parent can have complete and total control of their kids, and they shouldn't. Because no child is perfect, so there will be bad days. And I am honestly glad for that. I love that my kids are all so different, with amazing little personalities and do not act like others want them to. They are their own people, they are blessings.
I wake up knowing that I have four blessings that need direction, discipline, and most of all, love! They are definitely loved, A LOT!!! I may not have had this plan for myself, but I LOVE that God's plan involved me being a mom and teaching me the lessons that can only be learned from being a mom!
"If I ever have kids, they sure won't act like that, especially not in public" I remember saying to myself. And if I did ever have a kid who thought to act a fool like that, I would beat their bottom. Yep, that was the kind of mom I was going to be, IF I ever became a mom. I didn't even want kids, so it was a major IF for me.
So, for those of you who know me and my kids, you know that I didn't exactly turn out to be THAT mom. Now, don't get me wrong. My kids are very well behaved and respectful. However, they have bad days. There are times I am the mom I hated in the grocery stores. My kids get upset, they have fits and I let them. Shoot, there are times I have even left them laying on the floor and walked to the next isle and let them stay behind.
I don't "control" my kids. I have a relationship with them. They are disciplined and have boundaries but I am not a dictator. I figure, they are people just like I am. They need to learn how to think for themselves and how to act even when someone isn't there telling them how to act. They can't learn that if they are constantly bogged down with rules and discipline. Plus, they are just kids. I want them to enjoy being kids while they can. Life passes too quickly not to enjoy it.
My kids have feelings and emotions just like anyone else does. I try to teach them appropriate ways of dealing with it all. They lose their cool and have bad days just like anyone else does. I just try to teach them acceptable behaviors.
We give them options. We can't always be around to choose things for them, so they need to learn to choose things for themselves. I don't want to be the mom of a 20 year old boy that can't make decisions for himself.
I want them to learn that there are consequences to those choices, good and bad. I can easily make the right choices for them, but they should know how to do that for themselves. Plus, they have to know that when they make bad choices that there are consequences to that. But I also want them to enjoy the outcome of good choices and to see the reward in that!
So, now, I kick myself for the thoughts I had about those parents in the grocery stores. I completely understand it now and wish I hadn't been so quick to judge them. Because no parent can have complete and total control of their kids, and they shouldn't. Because no child is perfect, so there will be bad days. And I am honestly glad for that. I love that my kids are all so different, with amazing little personalities and do not act like others want them to. They are their own people, they are blessings.
I wake up knowing that I have four blessings that need direction, discipline, and most of all, love! They are definitely loved, A LOT!!! I may not have had this plan for myself, but I LOVE that God's plan involved me being a mom and teaching me the lessons that can only be learned from being a mom!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
That Moment, LOVE.
Last night at dinner I was asked about the moment that I knew I was in love with Filip. And honestly, my answer surprised even me. Without thinking about it, I could say that it was love at first sight or make up any number of "magical" moments when I felt THAT moment. However, most of it would be romantic dreaming and exaggerating the feelings I didn't have.
When we met, we clicked immediately. It felt as if I had known him for years. We got a long well and the chemistry was intense. We immediately liked each other, well, at least I liked him. Though, being honest, most of that was sexual. I was at a time in my life that I didn't even love myself, how could I have possibly loved him? But, I sure thought I was in love.
As time progressed and we spent more and more time together, I grew to like him a lot. So much so that I honestly thought I loved him. So, when I got pregnant, it wasn't the worst thing life had ever happened to me. Though, I was upset because I never had any intention of spending my life with him. I still planned to move back to Florida, because I just wasn't all-in for a relationship with him. But, the pregnancy changed a lot of things, and it made me want to give a relationship with him a chance.
It wasn't long before we got married. I would have considered marrying him if I hadn't been pregnant, though I can't honestly say for sure if I would have. I fooled myself into believing it must be love if I would even think about it. So, I was a newlywed woman, pregnant and acting as if I was with the love of my life. Don't get me wrong, I did have love for him, but I definitely was not IN love with him. We really were just good friends, as far as I was concerned.
I thought that having kids would make my feelings deeper. Though, after our second child I quickly realized that I was very wrong. I didn't love him any more than before just because I had kids with him. I was actually feeling further away from him. I felt as if we were growing apart because of the kids. And I believe that these feelings, the lack of true love and feeling like we were growing apart, was what led me to be a foolish idiot.
A separation, an affair and thousands of miles now separated our marriage. I wanted to end it. I just couldn't imagine continuing life with a man I didn't have those feelings for. However, the man I had the affair with reminded me of all the jerks that I went through. Not all the guys I knew/dated were jerks, but the majority were, especially this guy. He reminded me of how truly amazing Filip was. Oh no. What had I done? I was about to lose the one thing that was ever really good in my life. Though, I still wasn't sure if I really loved Filip or if it was the love of an idea.
Well, after I confessed my affair, I knew it was over. My heart sank and I was completely prepared for the end of my marriage. And honestly, I think part of me wanted it as the "easy" way out of everything I was feeling. But God, and Filip, apparently had other plans.
Filip told me he had to go to Paris for a training thing. He had mentioned it once before, so it wasn't something I really questioned. So, preparing for a week of not hearing from him and now having to worry about to real state of our marriage, I talked myself into looking forward to divorced life. Man, what a mess it was.
A few nights later my phone rings. It's Filip. I was about to scream at him for making an international call like that because it was going to be insanely expensive using his phone in a different country. But, before I could say much, he told me to look outside. He was there. He showed up at my friends house to surprise me. I was excited, nervous and worried about what this could possibly mean.
To my surprise, though, he was there to take me home with him. I still remember the speech he gave me. First, a few things are important to know... I LOVE dolphins, prefer gold over silver and my wedding ring had been broken for 2 years and I hadn't worn it for about that long. I had also decided that I needed to turn my life over to God, FOR REAL this time, so I was going to attempt a new path.
So... first I got a rose. With the rose came a box. The box held a necklace with a charm of two dolphins, one gold and one silver, that came together and made a heart. Filip said that it symbolized how two completely different people can come together and create love.
Then another box. In this box was another necklace, with a cross charm. He said that this was to symbolize the new found faith I had. He also got himself a similar one, so that we both had this new faith.
Third was another box. This one held my ring. He had gotten it fixed before arriving. He said that the ring was a symbol of how anything that is broken can be fixed and made new.
And there is was... THAT MOMENT... The moment I knew, 200%, without a doubt, with every fiber of my being, that I not only loved the man standing there, but that I was completely and utterly IN LOVE with him.
So, when he held out the ring and asked me to marry him again, I didn't hesitate in saying yes! Because it was there. It was really there. A feeling that I had never felt before, not ever. I was finally feeling something that was unlike anything I've ever felt, and seeing this man I'd lived with for years in a completely new light. It was an amazing experience, and one I will remember forever.
So, when I thought about the question of when I KNEW that I was in love, it kinda surprised me that it was over 4 years into our marriage. Though, at the same time, it didn't really surprise me. For a long time I didn't even love myself. It took me years to truly find the love for myself that was needed to be able to love others. Though, that only came from God.
Honestly, I didn't mean for this to turn that way, but it was only because of God and deciding to truly go on blind faith for God that enabled me to love myself, and anyone else. It was when I asked God to lead the way that I woke up to those new feelings. It wasn't until His light was in my heart that I knew what true love really felt like. It was because of His love that I was open to the love of others, and able to truly share my love with others. I owe all the glory to God. I owe my happy marriage, the love for my husband and the love for myself only to God!!!
When we met, we clicked immediately. It felt as if I had known him for years. We got a long well and the chemistry was intense. We immediately liked each other, well, at least I liked him. Though, being honest, most of that was sexual. I was at a time in my life that I didn't even love myself, how could I have possibly loved him? But, I sure thought I was in love.
As time progressed and we spent more and more time together, I grew to like him a lot. So much so that I honestly thought I loved him. So, when I got pregnant, it wasn't the worst thing life had ever happened to me. Though, I was upset because I never had any intention of spending my life with him. I still planned to move back to Florida, because I just wasn't all-in for a relationship with him. But, the pregnancy changed a lot of things, and it made me want to give a relationship with him a chance.
It wasn't long before we got married. I would have considered marrying him if I hadn't been pregnant, though I can't honestly say for sure if I would have. I fooled myself into believing it must be love if I would even think about it. So, I was a newlywed woman, pregnant and acting as if I was with the love of my life. Don't get me wrong, I did have love for him, but I definitely was not IN love with him. We really were just good friends, as far as I was concerned.
I thought that having kids would make my feelings deeper. Though, after our second child I quickly realized that I was very wrong. I didn't love him any more than before just because I had kids with him. I was actually feeling further away from him. I felt as if we were growing apart because of the kids. And I believe that these feelings, the lack of true love and feeling like we were growing apart, was what led me to be a foolish idiot.
A separation, an affair and thousands of miles now separated our marriage. I wanted to end it. I just couldn't imagine continuing life with a man I didn't have those feelings for. However, the man I had the affair with reminded me of all the jerks that I went through. Not all the guys I knew/dated were jerks, but the majority were, especially this guy. He reminded me of how truly amazing Filip was. Oh no. What had I done? I was about to lose the one thing that was ever really good in my life. Though, I still wasn't sure if I really loved Filip or if it was the love of an idea.
Well, after I confessed my affair, I knew it was over. My heart sank and I was completely prepared for the end of my marriage. And honestly, I think part of me wanted it as the "easy" way out of everything I was feeling. But God, and Filip, apparently had other plans.
Filip told me he had to go to Paris for a training thing. He had mentioned it once before, so it wasn't something I really questioned. So, preparing for a week of not hearing from him and now having to worry about to real state of our marriage, I talked myself into looking forward to divorced life. Man, what a mess it was.
A few nights later my phone rings. It's Filip. I was about to scream at him for making an international call like that because it was going to be insanely expensive using his phone in a different country. But, before I could say much, he told me to look outside. He was there. He showed up at my friends house to surprise me. I was excited, nervous and worried about what this could possibly mean.
To my surprise, though, he was there to take me home with him. I still remember the speech he gave me. First, a few things are important to know... I LOVE dolphins, prefer gold over silver and my wedding ring had been broken for 2 years and I hadn't worn it for about that long. I had also decided that I needed to turn my life over to God, FOR REAL this time, so I was going to attempt a new path.
So... first I got a rose. With the rose came a box. The box held a necklace with a charm of two dolphins, one gold and one silver, that came together and made a heart. Filip said that it symbolized how two completely different people can come together and create love.
Then another box. In this box was another necklace, with a cross charm. He said that this was to symbolize the new found faith I had. He also got himself a similar one, so that we both had this new faith.
Third was another box. This one held my ring. He had gotten it fixed before arriving. He said that the ring was a symbol of how anything that is broken can be fixed and made new.
And there is was... THAT MOMENT... The moment I knew, 200%, without a doubt, with every fiber of my being, that I not only loved the man standing there, but that I was completely and utterly IN LOVE with him.
So, when he held out the ring and asked me to marry him again, I didn't hesitate in saying yes! Because it was there. It was really there. A feeling that I had never felt before, not ever. I was finally feeling something that was unlike anything I've ever felt, and seeing this man I'd lived with for years in a completely new light. It was an amazing experience, and one I will remember forever.
So, when I thought about the question of when I KNEW that I was in love, it kinda surprised me that it was over 4 years into our marriage. Though, at the same time, it didn't really surprise me. For a long time I didn't even love myself. It took me years to truly find the love for myself that was needed to be able to love others. Though, that only came from God.
Honestly, I didn't mean for this to turn that way, but it was only because of God and deciding to truly go on blind faith for God that enabled me to love myself, and anyone else. It was when I asked God to lead the way that I woke up to those new feelings. It wasn't until His light was in my heart that I knew what true love really felt like. It was because of His love that I was open to the love of others, and able to truly share my love with others. I owe all the glory to God. I owe my happy marriage, the love for my husband and the love for myself only to God!!!
Faith is more than belief, it is OBEDIENCE!
Growing up I heard all about God and the Bible. I even heard stories that were told as Bible stories that do not exist within the Bible. However, I did grow up believing in God. Believing that God sent His son, Jesus, to die as our savior. I believed in it all. But, I never really understood what it meant to have faith. I am learning a lot now as I walk closer to God and following the word.
Tonight's sermon touched on the meaning of faith. I love that the pastor said that faith isn't just believing, it's about being obedient. You can say you believe the Word, you can talk all day about what you know, but do you obey it? You can listen to the Word, you can listen to people tell you stories and you can read the Bible all day long. But do you search for meaning, do you live your life in God's honor, pleasing Him and following His commands?
If you don't follow the commands, how do you prove your belief in His word? It is foolish to know what is taught and not want to follow it.
Matthew 7:24-27 (NLT) says: Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock, Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.
As our sermon said, this has multiple meanings. Life has storms. Trust me, I have been through some crazy hurricanes of life. However, if you have a solid faith that includes truly living your life by God's commands, you will stay strong and be able to beat the storms. However, if you waver in faith or choose not to follow His commands, you will find the walls closing in on you during the storms.
Look at the storms that my life has been through. There are many times the walls closed in on me. My faith was non-existent and I was not strong enough. That was how drugs and alcohol won me over. It's how alcohol, sex and depression was the controlling factors of my life. It's the reason I lost control and was off my rocker. I had no real faith. I believed in God, I believed in all I had heard about Him. I just didn't want to follow His commands. But, by not obeying, I was showing disbelief. I was showing that I believed my flesh more than I believed Him.
Now look. I've weathered some insane storms in my life since I have started to seriously relinquish my control over to God. God never promised there wouldn't be storms, He only says that we can get through them. And I have. One of the worst storms of my life had the power to tear my entire life to pieces, but it didn't. It didn't because I obeyed. I followed what I believed was God's commands for me and I was blessed by a stronger marriage, an amazing support group that helps keep me focused on my walk with Christ and I am much happier and content with life that I've ever been! That doesn't come just from believing, that has only come from my obedience!
So, if you say you believe but don't truly follow His word, then you are only telling the world that you don't really believe. Because a true believer wants to follow His commands and wants to obey because it is what we are instructed to do. We don't get to Heaven simply because we believe, we get to Heaven by being obedient. I am choosing obedience!
Tonight's sermon touched on the meaning of faith. I love that the pastor said that faith isn't just believing, it's about being obedient. You can say you believe the Word, you can talk all day about what you know, but do you obey it? You can listen to the Word, you can listen to people tell you stories and you can read the Bible all day long. But do you search for meaning, do you live your life in God's honor, pleasing Him and following His commands?
If you don't follow the commands, how do you prove your belief in His word? It is foolish to know what is taught and not want to follow it.
Matthew 7:24-27 (NLT) says: Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock, Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.
As our sermon said, this has multiple meanings. Life has storms. Trust me, I have been through some crazy hurricanes of life. However, if you have a solid faith that includes truly living your life by God's commands, you will stay strong and be able to beat the storms. However, if you waver in faith or choose not to follow His commands, you will find the walls closing in on you during the storms.
Look at the storms that my life has been through. There are many times the walls closed in on me. My faith was non-existent and I was not strong enough. That was how drugs and alcohol won me over. It's how alcohol, sex and depression was the controlling factors of my life. It's the reason I lost control and was off my rocker. I had no real faith. I believed in God, I believed in all I had heard about Him. I just didn't want to follow His commands. But, by not obeying, I was showing disbelief. I was showing that I believed my flesh more than I believed Him.
Now look. I've weathered some insane storms in my life since I have started to seriously relinquish my control over to God. God never promised there wouldn't be storms, He only says that we can get through them. And I have. One of the worst storms of my life had the power to tear my entire life to pieces, but it didn't. It didn't because I obeyed. I followed what I believed was God's commands for me and I was blessed by a stronger marriage, an amazing support group that helps keep me focused on my walk with Christ and I am much happier and content with life that I've ever been! That doesn't come just from believing, that has only come from my obedience!
So, if you say you believe but don't truly follow His word, then you are only telling the world that you don't really believe. Because a true believer wants to follow His commands and wants to obey because it is what we are instructed to do. We don't get to Heaven simply because we believe, we get to Heaven by being obedient. I am choosing obedience!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)